Since warri don tire me I just thought to myself na death sure pass oh, I no fit take in all this pain nd suffering again, so I decided to borrow a gun from a rather razz and low life friend of mine to kill my miserable self with, but inside the gun na only one bullet dey inside the gun and to think that I plan on using it on myself saddens me.

Life has dealt me a strong blow and I yearn to put an end to it, why should I continue to live when i have nothing to live for, no one to render my love to and vice versa, nd even no money to spend,shingbai no dey my hand, warri don sama me big time, but I con think am again say to die by bullet no easy oh if I no die instantly e go bad oh,I no won die by gun at all oh e go better make I look for another way nd that aside am not a big fan of guns.

A knot around my strained neck seems fair than a bullet, have always hated guns so I think I will opt for a rope around my neck..I go just place chair under tree and just strung myself up to the tree so e go be death by hanging like that at least I sabi as dey dey do am all thanks to the pile of nollywood movies I watch.

But may una wait oh the groans and yelps from a knot abi na rope I go call am isn't fair either if I no go die instantly nko d pain go too much oh, so am doing away with the idea of hanging myself.

Should I just take a plunge into the lagoon but I heard in a documentary that drowning isn't a good way to go and the lagoon isn't a child play either no be sere sere, and I no even like water at all especially one as large and vast as the lagoon, what if shark or whale swallow me while still drowning dat one go bad oh so I don't think I wanna die via the lagoon.


I don sabi how I go take die, I will just jump infront of a moving train but wait oh train go just grind me and there will be nothing to scoop up from the trail track at all dat one bad oh, hw I go allow train grind me, at least if I won die make I do am in a way wey be say dey go see my dead body carry..hmmmba I no like train.


I don tire jor infact I no won commit suicide again, I think say suicide easy ni but wallahi e no easy at all, i think I will wait for nature to take it course on me in other words I will wait for God's appointed time, sebi a death by natural means is still considered as death right?, guess I just have to wait till it happens.

Guy pls send me ur Acc No. ℓ̊ will surely help U̶̲̥̅̊ ok?

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Waoh....dis thread needs to b on d FRONT PAGE...

Most suicide devotees wey me I sabi no dey hesitate @ all if dey won kill demselves oh but my own case dey different pata pata, I won kill myself but I no get the liver to do so, na then I know say I dey utterly useless even to take my own life I no fit do, I no get usefulness @ all.

A friend told me to part ways with my weary nd sore past, he urged me to start afresh, he got me dis tin dey call JAMB and even enrolled me under a tutor but with all the book wey d teacher abi na tutor dey hammer me nothing gree enter my head, initially I think say na d old skool hair wey dey my head no dey let d book enter so I had it all shaved off leaving me with a shiny and bald head.


With my completely bald head I was totally convinced that the book was gonna sink in with ease cz there wud be notin to stop d book from entering my head now.. I even lubricated my bald head with vegetable oil so the head go dey reflect book wella..


Armed with a pen and a hefty note book I went to meet my tutor who was patiently waiting for me,seeing that I was completely bald nd loaded with learning materials he seemed pleased with me, the first subject we did was government nd I really enjoyed d lesson though most of d times I no grab and I no understand wetin d tutor dey say bt I just dey go with d flow..I kept nodding
my bald head as if I understood the strange chants and blurbs coming from his mouth..


Now it was time for mathematics, nd me I hate am die but I still gatz go with d flow cz if not na die be that nd my future waz @ stake as well, the tutor first started with how Y and X no dey gree see each other for face, the tutor even emphasized this by not placing X and Y beside each other on d chalk board... I con think say shey na so X nd Y hate demselves reach, the tutor went on and on about this two silly characters but me I don dey doze off small small.


Na so maths make life tire me oh, d tutor kept rambling about X nd Y nd it got to a point that I had to tell d tutor to shut up that I had known enough about X and Y to last me for a life time.


JAMB abi sey na UTME una dey call am was a week ahead, before then a friend urged me to visit one Babalawo, d Baba inturn instructed me to bring just one vital item that I was gonna use for the exam so I brought my BIRO, he said he was gonna help me reinforce my BIRO with supernatural intelligence so I go fit pass d exam without a glitch and this he did. It was time for d exam and there I was in the exam hall getting set for d useless exam nd I was of d mindset that I was gonna ace d exam, the question was first brought to me and then the answer sheet abi na OMR sheet dey dey call am, na then I know say I don enter wee, I don die oh, which kind exam be dis wey be say na pencil we go use all through, na so I call d invigilator nd I tell am say me I no won shade my answers say I won use biro write am down ni oh but instead he gave a short burst of laughter and almost rolled on d floor.


Na then I know say d Babalawo don kill me, how d useless Babalawo no go know say na pencil dey dey use for JAMB, d useless man just crashed my hope completely with nothing left to do I fixed my gaze aimlessly into empty air... Na so I dey hope for imaginary expo to drop from above...

Lol nice update abeg no kill urself o

Lol nice update abeg no kill urself o.l

No b small tin, u don truely die

Funny... But I wonder how u take see mosquito 4 nyt...abi ur eye don get bulb?

guy u knw say u knw no book u allow ur friend to get u jab where u wan see d money for school. Guy but u don try so far cuz i really enjoy u

guy na wetin dey worry u? 2 update na wahala 4 u. nice story bt if u don tire 2 dey update, pukuma dis-activate ur account. smh

Am sure u guys are familiar with the term DIVINE INTERVENTION, abeg who fit define am among una, rara oh una no get am jor, now lemme give una d true definition of d term DIVINE INTERVENTION as it applies to my present situation: it means the sort of yeye help u seek from God when u no say ur own don finish patapata.

As I dey exam hall now, na divine intervention I dey seek from God, make angel gabriel just knack me with some correct expo from above, na d kind divine intervention wey I dey seek be that oh, bt since this didn't happen I had to improvise,so I had to make use of my brain, I sabi book wella but na me no dey won show off but today I go show JAMB wee.

Jamb hard no be small oh, no wonder people dey fail am year in year out...the questions pricked my nerves, strange terms and letters were all I could see, I couldn't in anyway make any sense of them...

I sat still and chewed on the tip of my pen, I ate the pen halfway before my sense jeered back to its normal state then dropped the pen back on the desk...there was a lady seated beside me, she was a science student so her question type was totally different from mine but this didn't dissuade me from copying her, as she dey shade na hin I dey shade, if she pause I go pause...she took notice of me and covered up her work, since I had a sizeable portion of the paper I decided to do the rest by myself..

Na so I start to dey shade BABA and CAC (Christ Apostolic Church), I shaded more of Christ Apostolic Church because I felt that God in his infinite mercy no dey forsake hin own pikin...i made up different combinations like "CAB"... "BAC"..."ABC" and so on...I wasn't contented with what I had to shaded so I decided to stretch my neck more to catch a glimpse of other people's work...

na comment be this abi na update!!! Oga which way na!

my eyeballs are not really that large so e go dey hard for me to see another person answer sheet from afar and na cause of times lilke dis I dey always pray to God make he gimme eyeballs wey be like that of SEGUN ARINZE and BASKET MOUTH combined na binocular eyes those two get.., coz with eyes like that I go fit zoom in and pry into other peoples answer sheet without them knowing..

All the questions wey dey d paper no tally with my own answers at all, una go see wetin I dey talk about now, oya oh for one of their government questions I was told to fill d gap with the right answer wey correspond with the question from d options nd the question was: WHILE OIL IS TO THE EAST AND COCOA IS TO THE WEST _________ IS TO THE NORTH, abeg na everybody know say d answer na BOKO HARAM oh but wallahi nothing like that dey the options na den I begin to suspect say d computer wey print the question sheet get omission virus for hin body, among the options dey put groundnut pyramids sey na so I no sabi book reach ni afterall na every body know say na for Egypt groundnut pyramid dey...yeye people dey won trick their father...

Again I was asked of the first man to cross the river niger, among the options I had something like mango park listed but seriously how mango go cross river eh see me see wahalla dis people are playing on my intelligence abeg who among us know sabi say na JESUS CHRIST first cross am abi dey don forget as hin take waka with swag ontop the water ni.

The third one wey con pain me pass na d one wey be say I sabi pass for my life coz it concerns women, make una see d question wey dey ask oh: LAMBS ARE TO SHEEPS WHILE CHICKS ARE TO______ dey put line there say make I shade one option to fill am up, my brother abeg who know know say na calaber wey be cross river state get chicks wey make sense pass oh, so if LAMBS ARE TO SHEEPS THEN CHICKS ARE TO CALABARIANS cz na their chicks make sense pass, but I no gree see anytin of that sort for the option at all..na then I con make up my mind say I go write to that man wey dey dey call DIBU OJERINDE say make e go service their computers coz dey don dey omit options na so I drop my pencil out of anger, d fact say JAMB dey belittle my intelligence na in pain pass, I waka commot for d exam hall thus making me the first person to finish with a record time of thirty minutes, a new world record so to say..

I thought in d other update u said u hv eyes that could see mosquitoes in the night, why are u then contradicting that in the last update? Waow ur story is hilarious, interesting and the best of it kind u can do better bro

I love this keep it up bros

The late update has to do with work and all, am tied down doing stuffs am nt cut out for @ my workplace, so it's really hard squeezing out personal time for updates and alike..so ma peepz make una no vex.

With all the mess am tucked in down @ warri I waz still optimistic of better day's ahead.
Now I had to reason a way out of all these unpleasantriez plaguing me so I tot to myself that a police station will be the best place to do so, I will explain to the OC of my abduction and all other irregularities warri had dealt me, that way I was quite certain of help from these set of amiable black khaki lads.

On getting to the front entrance of the police headquarters, the field unit of the force got a distress call abt an ongoing robbery bt dey no gree respond to the call on time,the head of the anti robbery squad had these special stop watch fastened onto his wrist and he paid careful attention to it, na then I know say the man dey use style time when dey go commot, he dey tell the others say time never reach to go oh nd when he was certain that the robbery had ended, he ordered the boys to start their rickety pick up truck, dey neva even pass d next street na hin fuel finish for their pick up truck, so they had to come back to the station to carry one of the danfo bus they seized earlier...

But as that one no consign me. I just waka pass as but deep inside I dey shake my head for them...
As I won enter d counter na so I see one notice wey dey write for the parking space of the police station...
I wasn't really sure If I was reading aloud what I had seen cz a warning of that sort wasn't suppose to be boldly written in the parking lot of a police station...

The warning goes thus: CARS PARKED HERE ARE PARKED AT OWNERS RISK, inside police station premises dey dey tell people say their cars are parked at their own risk...

And who says our police force isn't the best..(yinmu), I went to the front desk and relayed my story to the OC who was more like an inefficient receptionist....the OC told me to first pay complaint fee before I talk wetin bring me come, I chuk my hand inside my pocket and brought out a filthy two hundred naira note but I pleaded with him to help me manage hundred naira sey I won use d remaining 100 naira chop solid fufu... he agreed after a lot of convincing and and gave me hundred naira change out of d two hundred, i bowed a bit and thanked the idiot...

Guy u too much abeg, no mind them oo "the police are ur friend" na so them tell us ooo. Abeg try dey write dey full spelling of ur words make wey also sabi hw to spell, u knw say na learn we dey learn here na.

Please also Read my romantic love story,I promise not to disappoint you cos it supense ,romance story

This actually my first post on nairaland I need your comments,critize nd help

https://www.nairaland.com/1527536/love-
chemistry-101

Lols....very funny indeed

tumbs up keep it up

Hi peepz, long time oh...na data loss wey NL dey suffer from dey hinder updates from ma end oh

Bros update nw

The OC told me to write down my statement, the book he brought out for me to write in was already filled up with statements and complaints, thus leaving no page left for me to write on..he ask me weda I get any change for hand wey I fit use buy book outside so I go fit use am write my statement, I gave him a stern look and told him I had nothing on me to use for such..

He told me to wait a while so e go fit go collect money from the DPO wey e go use buy the book, as the idiot commot for counter go meet the DPO he forgot to carry his fone along, the fone was on the counter, na so I carry am chuk for pocket and dashed out of the police station...at least the phone go cover my hundred naira wey the stupid idiot collect for my hand..

As I reach one corner I commot the fone sey make I check am out wella, I press the on button to on am but to my greatest surprise the fone no gree on...na so I vex throw am away...

The need to eat caved in on me heavily,my muscles and nerves were all revved up in anticipation for a meal..

Outlines of wrinkles were starting to form on the surface of my belly and my once bloated belly was now flattened...

I kept swallowing my spittle all in the hope that it will douse the sharp fangs of hunger but this didn't help out at all, so i resorted to something much more heavier than mere spittle which was my "kelembe" phlegm, the thick "phlegm" helped out a bit as it tasted like "akamu", I coughed out the phlegm each time I felt the sharp pangs of hunger and swallowed an immense amount, this I did in a recurring cycle till I exhausted all the "kelembe" I had in my trachea abi sey na throat I go call am..

.as I dey think of how I go see food chop na so one "idea" enter my head...


Na so I enter taxi with the last change wey dey my pocket, seated next to me was a woman with her kid, the woman dozed off intermittently thus leaving her kid unsupervised, the kid carry gala for hand and one cold bottle of lacasera, I gave the kid a stern look and quickly took the gala from him, to my utmost surprise the kid acted cool and made no attempt to call his mom's attention to the little ruckus I had just caused, I chop the gala clean mouth but still there was still this wide vacuum that needed to be filled in my stomach so I decided to do something silly...

I hailed one of the sprint bread sellers who were always in the habit of chasing after cabs and buses in order to sell their wares and edibles..as I take call am na so e dribble hin way around the inert buses till he got to me ...I don use eye survey the traffic so I knew that within minutes the road would be free thus easing the free flow of vehicles, as e stretch hand gimme the bread which was the longest he had and was expecting me to pay him...."God don catch you I said in the confines of my mind" I quickly urged the driver to speed off since the road was now clear, the driver pedalled the accelerator and zoomed off, I sat with my back on the backseat and tore off a large chunk of the bread and quickly tucked it in my dry mouth, as I chewed on it I felt relieved, I felt wrapped around this heavenly feeling of wholesomeness and edible fulfilment...

The shout of "ole"(thief) "ole"(thief) pervaded the air and as I look back say make I see wetin dey happen na so I see say na the stupid bread seller they shout "ole" "ole" and was vigorously chasing at the cab...as I look am I thought to myself that he was bound to get tired soon enough but to my utmost surprise the bread seller ran on renewable energy, the guy no tire at all...

The unexpected happened and the cab came to an abrupt halt, the engine knocked, I inquired from the driver what happened and he told me that his cab just developed a minor hitch, "minor wetin ogini", the bread seller was closing in on us, I dashed out of the cab and disapeared into thin air before the breadseller could come within my reach..

Na so I sidon dey look,I don over chop belleful and was filled up to the brim to move an inch...I summoned up the courage to move and could only do so in small leaps...na so something catch my attention, my eyes jutted out from its socket in deep awe and I felt completely overwhelmed by the holy spirit..."con see yansh"....lemme write the yansh in capital letters to show you how massive e take be..."Con see YANSH"...

Doesn't it just amaze you, the large mass of flesh protruding from their yansh and how they carry such yansh with ease and elegance, Warri yansh na one of a kind oh, you can't just compare it with any other behinds in the world... though I never taste or sample one before but from afar I can sense that such yansh are supple and worth having but wetin church rat like me won do as one kobo no gree dey my hand.

I marvelled at her back side, the curves were rightly placed and wallahi I sure say she con support am with all those air pads otherwise known as yansh pads, with precise accuracy my eyes danced to the magnificent swaying of her backside, my eyes twitched and longed for more of her backside, if only I could have just a moment with her, I would aggressively hold on to her behind, sit on it and get lost in its euphoria..her yansh na like table tennis board u fit smack egg on top am and the egg won't deviate from the board just to show how large and broad it was...

With the influx of erotic feeling taking over me, I was lost in an erotic niche and completely unaware of the happenings around me, my uneven footings stamped the ground without due recourse to the terrain of the ground, na so I chuk one of my leg inside gutter, (u sabi all dose gutter wey be say if u throw grain of corn inside e go suddenly sprout and within a short while e go don ready for harvest) just to show you how rich and purificated the slimy gutter take be.

I don chuk leg inside finish before I sabi, all the skin cell wey dey my leg die instantly, infact the complexion of my leg follow change, e con remain as I go take clean all the yanma- yanma commot.

Money wey I suppose use buy one congo of gaari to drink na hin I use buy dettol antiseptic and bleach take wash my almost condemned leg...

How una dey...how church..hope most of una no skip am...jez tot I check up on u guyz...

funny story bt we nid updates.

updates pls

Assuming I get girlfriend all this one wey I dey look another person yansh no go happen.

I be don dey sight one girl for street like that, her name na Amaka, she no really two carry for chest like that and her backyard sef no too get cement but she fine for face.

I be don try whyn her but the screw for her head no gree loose, she be talk say I no get money and na one shirt I dey always wear.

Then to my utmost surprise the needed opening have been waiting for crossed my path. Na so Amaka boyfriend tell her say e no do again after he don job all the better better wey dey her body, as a sharp guy na so I run compose letter wey I go give Amaka.

Na my love letter to Amaka be this...

Ntooor Amaka, I be telling you since that shoookwoodi isn't very good for you. When I first coming to you that you is totoring me and doing me like sugar in my heart, you shunning me and slapping me but instead i cool down and melo.

Now the same shoookwoodi you were dying all over for has left you for Hafusa..ntoor. is a pity, a very big pity cz I be shaking my head for you.

When I first hearing the news that shookwooding broking your heart I first dance up and down and it sweeten me that u enter wee and gbege at the same time but later on I feeling pity for you so I stop to dance but deep inside e still feel like say make I dance.

Now that you have vacancy in your heart because the former tenant has left sey you won me to pack in..and if you like do shakara for second time you hear..now I dropping my pen in the basket of love.