hahaahhaahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhhahahhahaha.....i don laugh tire, my belly just dey ache. i think am loving dis oooo. Guy i gats to ve a sweet day wit dis ur story ooooo. Oyaaaaaooo come & update!!!

With bumps all over my body you would think i got ran over by a mack truck,the beating i got from that bystander was just too much,never in my life would i attempt to rob a random stranger instead i would just rob someone i know.

While at school the next day my co staffs kept asking me why i had bumps, i told them i got robbed,i twisted the story to best suite my pathetic sight nd in return they all felt sorry for me.

Akpororo the dumb kid was back in class cz the decision to get him expelled was rescinded,we became instant enemies,but as a matured man i dey try prove seniority for am cz i no fit dey beef am make hin dey beef me too,while my class pupils referred to me as uncle,na bros akpororo dey call me e no dey gree call me uncle at all.the idiot no dey respect me @ all.

If i ask am question he would call on another pupil to answer the question on his behalf,imagine na then i know say i don loose my respect for akpororo face.

The bumps on my face were still evident nd that was when akpororo came over to my desk nd inquired if he could get a tom tom sweet from me, the idiot insisted say make i give am tom tom lick,see me see trouble oh na me akpororo dey insult,he was referring to the huge bump right around my cheek as tom tom sweet,out of anger i just daze am slap sharp sharp before i knew what was going on he layed on the floor like a lump of wood out of anger i kicked him cz i tot he was faking things but the boy no gree move at all,na then i know say i don enter wee.

I became disoriented nd sweat trickled down my face,wetin i go do oh,i poured sachets of water on him to resuscitate him but it was all to no avail,i called on the headmaster and he dashed in right away,i explained to him what had happened,he told me to carry the lifeless lump to the nearest clinic before he summons the police to come and arrest me..

^ u don die be dat. But why is d update so faccking slow?
I don almost forget where u stop

hyper gig
allah! your wit too big
you should be called the hilarious king
abeg take this diamond ring

Since u don return,make i follow d thread,dis is hilarious i must confess,lol

Bros this is captivating, can'nt wait ....... U too much o

With my heart beat bolting nd husseining at a really fast pace,I knew it was the end time for me,with the heavy slump positioned on my back i started a rather tedious search for a hospital,I came across a privately stirred health clinic nd i dashed in real fast.


I went to the emergency section nd narrated what had happened to them,they hurriedly passed a drip into his skin nd gave me a list of provision to buy,inside the list BOURNBITA,MILO,KON FLAKES,GOLDEN MOURN,KEISHA,SANDIN,OBAMA ABI SEY NA BAMA DEY DEY CALL AM, ASSAULTED BISCUITS nd lookozade dey the list,were I won take see money buy all these items na then I know say I don die,an idea popped idea up nd i thought to myself akpororo will surely have to settle for less cz me i no fit afford all these top notch oyinbo ijekuje wey dey write for this paper OH!


So na so I go market,I got him gaari ijebu to replace the golden mourn nd cornflakes,dry fish to replace the sardine nd geisha nd a bottle of 50 cl alomo to replace the lucozade boost, after all na d same energy wey alomo go give am na in lucozade boost go give am also, na then my mind con settle say at least I don try my best.


I tucked all the items inside a shaka shaka sac,na gaari sack I mean oh for those of una wey no sabi am,nd I headed straight to the clinic,on getting to the front desk I told the female nurse there that I wanted to deliver some provision to a patient who was recuperating at the emergency niche,she asked if she could examine the items in the sac nd i promptly gave her the go ahead to do so, she removed the items out one by one nd i could see the grin on her face as she did so,con see as she use me laff,she told me i was instructed to get the ailing kid some provisions as listed out on the sheet I was given nd not FOODSTUFFS.I tried explaining to her say all na same same,say na d same work dey go do for the kid body,but all my plea fell on deaf ears.



I was told to go nd buy the provisions as listed out,na then I know sai I don enter WEE,I tried returning the gaari nd all the other rubbish wey i buy but the woman wey i buy them from no gree collect them back nd i only had five hundred naira left with me nd there was certainly no miracle wey my five ondred naira fit perform cz e too small to buy all the oyinbo stuff wey dey dat list.

Welldone bro...I dey feel u..

See as i dey laugh like mumu bcoz of ur tori. My guy you too much, carry go, nothing do you.

Hmmm.... You're already doing it... But u can do better.... Nice work

LMFAO ....

Intresting!!!! The lord is ur muscle....

Am a dead man walking,am the sort whose pocket idles around due to lack of monetary presence to keep it busy,were on earth will i get the bulky sum to purchase the provisions lined out on the crumbled sheet of paper..
Since i was in dire need of a way out,i decided to try one of my chldhood stunts out,the devious stunt or sly act so to say had always worked for me in the past so i was quite confident it was gonna click out once more,,all i had to do was just wait till dark,when everywhere became dim nd dark nd i go carry out the operation.

Darkness pervaded nd gloomed everywhere,i got myself geared up for the task at hand nd uttered out some hail mary to guide me through nd also to ease the tension that was raging in me.

My victim was seated under a tree,she only lit her atukpa(indigenous slang for local lamp) so the illumination from it wasn't really strong,the lamp just sent out faded beams of light rays,my mind don dey at rest say i go see my operation carry out without undue hindrance.

I said my prayers once more nd this time around it was a lengthy prayer,then i headed to were my helpline was seated,some customers were standing right in front of her nd they all stretched out their hands to collect the stuff they had payed for,i waited till the crowd doused off a bit before proceeding to effect my act,when i see say most of d customers don commot nd e remain only three for her front,i stretched out my arms nd wallahi i get long arms,my arms be like those people own wey dey throw javelin.

I dipped my stretched arm into the first container but it wasn't the container i was looking for,i commot my hand nd i chuk am inside the second container but again it wasn't the container i had in my mind,i knew it was gonna be a matter of minutes before i get the right container so my mind dey at rest say yawa no fit gas,i stretched out my long arms again nd dipped it into something but this time around no be inside container i chuk am cz as i chuk am inside i felt a sharp pang nd some sizzling sensation,OH MY GOD NA INSiDE HOT OIL WEY D WOMAN DEY USE FRY AKARA ND YAM I CHUK MY HAND..

My throat went awry nd completely out of control,i yelled out at the top of my voice nd when GOD go con catch me again nepa com bring light join,,na then i know say i don die tru tru,my hand become oyinbo straight, all becos i won chuk hand inside the woman container for money...akpororo wallahi na God go punish u oh...

abeg make una no vex say evertin dey jampacked na my fone cz am oh

Chei hyper abeg pity for dis guy na dis kin badluck don too much. Biko oo?

U don really surfer o. Warri baaaad fo u.... Sweet story.... Update

I don die,infact e just remain make dem bury me, way back i told u how chubby I was, I had extra flesh padded all over my bulky body,my backside before i cum warri be like that of Mercy Johnson nd instead of six packs na extra pomo i get for my belle "confirm pot belly" like don jazzy own.

But now tinz don change for me,instead of my usual pot belly,I had diet inflicted six packs which in actual reality were the outlines of my ribs,and my backside con level join.

I knew akpororo was faking tinz but there was no way i could prove it, while i was thinking how i would get the money to procure the provisions for that God forsaken warri kid na im one woman waka pass for my front,she backed a baby nd was really fat,as a sharp guy i just run snatch the woman nylon bag from her, to my surprise the woman no gree chase me, instead of raising an alarm she just wave me bye bye,,as i enter one uncompleted building na im i use rushing empty the items of the nylon on the floor, con see wetin i see, used pampers, sanitary pads nd all other smelly stuffs,it was as if i had just helped her dispose off her waste..no wonder she waved me goodbye.

My guy, diz ur update too small. Welldone shaa

I sell my fone so I go see money buy apkororo provision for am, that's why have been unable to update my story but I don run borrow my guy fone so I go fit do quick upload, infact I rent d fone from d guy hand ni.

With akpororo out of the way (am sure you are wondering why I dey use small letter begin d pikin name na cz e no worth make I use capital letter ni o, that boy no be proper noun @ all, na object of pronoun e be..stupid boy.what he did to me made me vow not to have kids ever, that boy made me suffer no be small.

I sat still with my five fingers positioned on my cheek thinking of what next to do,cz I needed money real bad and there was no way to get any..as I sidon dey look na in one of my warri padi come my side, he asked what was wrong and I told him I was in dire need of money, he gave out a short bust of laugh and told me not to worry that money will come if and if am gonna take heed to his instructions, and I told him I would do anything and he said we should meet by mid night.

As midnight reach like this I go meet the guy, he was all set cz he had an axe and multiple containers with him, I ask am wetin we won use d axe and container do, he said we were going to bust a fuel pipeline, he said one of his informant don sight one pipe at the back of one hotel like that and that we were gonna bust it and take fuel from it.

I felt happy that at last money go come my way, I took the axe and slumped it over my shoulder while the guy carried the containers, we took a bike to where the pipeline was but we first did a background check on the neighbourhood just to check if the (Ww.that's all people no dey there) cz na them they look after pipelines.

When we were certain that the ghost was clear we proceeded to the site of the pipeline, I started to dig out the soil and the guy instructed me not to make too much noise so as not to wake the neighbourhood up.

Wallahi the pipeline deep no be small, I was yet to see any sign of any pipe, but as I dey dig the soil I just dey happy say at last my life go better, I put more effort into the digging and all of a sudden I heard a sound, the axe had hit something,I was happy that at last I don reach the promise land, with this pipeline I would go into the oil business and even open up a filling station.

I told my guy that the axe had struck something, I reached out with my hand to feel what the axe had struck and it was a pipe, but it was yet to be broken, so I raised the axe high above my head and hit it again and this time around liquid started oozing out from the pipe, since it was dark It was hard to see so I had to dip my fingers into the pipe and feel the liquid oozing out from it, but lo and behold the liquid no be like crude oil for my hand it was somehow sticky and watery so I thought maybe they never refine am at all so I took a little of it and tasted it, na there I know say I don die, na shi.t water I put for mouth wey I taste, so all this while na soakaway pipe I dey dig...eeyah I don die.

Lwkmd..! I jes d imagine d luk on ur face

Speechless!

Very interesting walahi!

Hewww! Disgusting! Reading through it again!

.

Hahahaha,i don laff tire,ur story make sense die...kip it cuming

Haba, Diz guy eh! U fit kill persn wit laff


oya, go borrow d fone again kun update d remaining story na

Na so I taste shit/igbe oh, bt the shit/igbe had this distinct taste nd flavour, it was unlike anything have ever tasted before.

The thought of me tasting poo/igbe had quite a grip on me, it rendered my taste buds yanma'ish(from d word yanma yanma) nd I just felt like cutting my tongue out, but seriously wetin man go do.

The next day I had to prep myself up for an interview, the coat wey I borrow say I go wear go d interview be like extra large blanket and the shoulder pad that was meant to be at the shoulder had slipped to the ankle, the trouser to the dilapidated coat was even worse It was all bloated like a balloon.

I was set for the interview, it was as if I had a parachute on with the coat I had on, I would have opted for a suite instead of the bizzare coat but where I won take see d money, but who cares as long as I get the job.

As I dey waka for street go where I won take do d interview na so people dey hail me say dey like my coat, I even got some couple of shot from obsessed onlookers who had cameras nd phones na so I turn to instant celeb oh.

The interview room was all tense and laced with fear, we were up to a hundred plus that came for the interview, we were all seated with a desk ryt in front of us, d atmosphere felt like that of a jamb centre.

Since I was the brainy sort I was mentally ready to devour any question they hurl at me, I wasn't smeared in tension nd fear like d rest who were big olodo's instead I was cool, calm nd collected.

They gave out the question sheet nd another empty sheet onto which we were gonna write the answers on.

The questions were so cheap, they were just three questions I had to answer, two of the questions were biblical nd the third was kinda historical it had to do with a sinking ship.

The questions were lined out in this format and the answers I provided to them can be seen beside them.



1: who is regarded as the father of many nations-----------(ans) tuface Idibia.

2:what made the titanic sink---------(ans) because lepacious bose was onboard.

3:where did gorillas evolve from------(ans) olusegun obasanjo.

I was the first to submit while the other dullards were still busy eating the bud of their pens, olodo's.

Lmao so u be olodo haha.nice update

Guy! U 2much! Just finished readin all dis! U are talented but pls give us d tori as e dey hot

Lwkmd..
chei! So na lyk diz u wan take fail d interview

Writing a comic piece is a really hard task to nail mostly due to d fact that I sort my materials by myself, so if u find my write up rather absurd or in need of some amends abeg tell me.



My poor parents try for me no be small oh I forget make I tell una say I be thirty two years when I leave my papa house, the stigma at home was just too much, na my parents dem dey feed me and clothe me, I was more like a family pet abi sey na family "bingo" i go call am before I commot nd now am 43 nd still struggling but now outside d confines of my parents house..If I had known better I should have kukuma stayed with them..


The result for the interview was a complete wreck, am quite sure they gave my mark to someone else cz how I go get 0/3, zero over three as in capital ZERO, but wetin man go do I just had to accept the fact that we live in a world filled up to d brim with OJORO, I gave d best possible answers nd yet I was denied the job..

All these years with the numerous torrent and torment have been through, I tot to myself d only way I can make it fast in life is to engage myself in shady deals, what ever brings in the token for my survival...



Life in warri has been really cruel to me, why I dey even tell una say life dey cruel to me e dey obvious to una now, it's been a week since I took a meal nd the urge to eat was burrowing deep into me,

I exercised sum patience till dark, nd when I was quite sure that everywhere was dim nd dark I headed to a kiosk nearby, the trick I had in mind was to stuff my pocket with as many handful of gaari as I could, since I knew d exact spot where the woman always placed the container which contained her gaari I was quite certain it was going to be an easy task on my path.

While she was busy attending to another customer I dipped my hand into d container nd scooped as many handfuls of gaari as I could into my pocket, my pocket was now swollen nd there was no space to put more, my pocket get gaari belle nd I was delighted to be the fada..winks*

Since it wz dark I wasn't sure if na garri ijebu or na yellow garri I carry but I was quite certain that It was gonna be garri ijebu the sort that needed no sugar. cz the texture was smooth nd nice.

I quickly emptied my pocket into d bowl wey I won use wak am in d cover of d dark abi na nyt we go call am, but as I chuk ma finger into d bowl say make I start to dey wak d gaari cz na soak and travel I use am do, I felt a sharp sting thrust through my fingers nd I tot to myself dis gaari go conk no be small.

The gaari swell no be small and I enjoyed it, infact it was like dining on something special, na my hand I use do spoon. U shud av seen me as I take lick my fingers.

As I say make I sleep like this after I don wak finish na hin mosquitoes start to dey buzz for my ears but I just tot to maself say d mosquito dem don enter wee this nyt, if u see my eyeballz na like that of Segun Arinze and Tinubu all rolled into one, nd na HD display I dey see tinz, I fit zoom nd even do auto focus with my poppy eyeballs, so all d mosquitoes wey dey gimme problem didn't really pose a threat b'cos it wasn't really hard killing them even though it was dark,my extra large eyeballs did a great job of spotting them nd my hands did a great job of killing em though d way I dey clap when I dey kill them be like worshipper wey dey do praise nd worship, after I don slay all of them finish nd sent them to d afterlife I went to sleep with no buzz @ all.

Lol guy ur suffering no get part 2 hope u are deliverd o.