Good day. Here is this script I just drafted entitled 'The Plight'. Read and enjoy. Comments and criticisms are welcome.

Please, find the attached.

semid4lyfe: Hmm, not exactly original IMO.

Unlike ''Paranoia'', it wasn't riveting & I knew how it was gonna end (from the point @ which the applicants were asked to pay N1500). _{Maybe, it's because it's something that happens too well around us.}

Make I even ask sef, what emotion was Lanre's plight supposed to stir up in me? Empathy? In fact, it did the opposite and I felt like slapping Lanre for falling "maga" for that cheap job con.

Lanre may be book smart but he lacks street smarts & intelligence and maybe that's why he's been unable to get a job 2 years post NYSC.

After all said and done, it ain't bad as it's a simple straight forward story one can relate to. Also, the inclusion of Yoruba gave it more cred.


5.5/10

Lol...tnx for your comment. But I dnt agree wiv a lot you wrote up there. Many ppl may end up as 'maga' as a result of desperation. And though it's quite predictable, but it's more relatable than 'paranoia'. It is just a highlight of the plight of an average unemployed young nigerian.

Simple and sad.
I wish there was another twist to it coz it was predictable. It's a nice script nonetheless.

ijebabe: Simple and sad.
I wish there was another twist to it coz it was predictable. It's a nice script nonetheless.

U ppl and ur love for twists ...lol. Thanks ma.

Semid has been very kind and given you a massive thumbs up. I read it once you posted it but didn’t even want to write anything because I’d be giving you a massive thumbs down. Not going to lie to you but this totally sucks. I don’t even know where to start suggesting to you on how to fix this. Ok, that’s my rant over.

Everyone on this site knows for a fact that you CAN write a million times better than this. It’s too short a film for you to really use any narration. All the narration does here is cover up the fact that you had nothing to write or even show.

You and I both know that you came up with this idea in five seconds and wrote it in five minutes – It’s so clear to see that no thought went into this at all. And we KNOW you CAN think up seriously good stuff… so why post this bland brain fvck? Ok, maybe my rant is actually over this time lol.

As said earlier on, how do I make suggestions on how you might go about fixing this? It’s so boring you shouldn’t even bother fixing it – just throw the whole idea in the bin.
You do realise not every ‘idea’ that pops into your head should be written? You’re a darn good writer so behave like one – Good ones probably throw away 80-90% of their ideas because they are shitty ideas.

This has a ton of narration, a ton of flash backing stuff and one crappy scene in the middle. What the fvck were you smoking? You need to shoot your drug supplier… he totally cheated you, go and ask for a refund.

Ok if you were going to fix this then cut out ALL of the narration. Enough of the tell, tell, tell style – start showing; afterall you alrady know how to. Even that proper bushmeat for mine village wey I dey chase go understand picture wey flash in front of her eyes.
The problem I have in making suggestions is that since nothing at all happened in this ‘film’ I have no idea what you were trying to write.

You gave us this logline – ‘The story revolves around an unemployed, young man who has another chance to change his luck the next day.’ That is the problem, you didn’t even follow your own logline and ended the script without the ‘twist’ or whatever of him changing his luck the next day. So again, you didn’t think about jack did you? So what was the rush? Fire dey burn for ya kitchen na im you press ‘send’? Or one local-sista come knock for ya door, na im all blood wey dey ya brain rush go south? Or you have gone old skool ‘Nollygoof’ on our a$$e$ and want us to come back for part 5? You and who?

ijebabe:
I wish there was another twist to it coz it was predictable. It's a nice script nonetheless.

He can write something totally cliche, totally predictable and it could be amazing... But totally boring is a no, no,no!

sholay2011:
U ppl and ur love for twists ...lol. Thanks ma.

It's a short film. I can easily go and watch clips of cats on Youtube or flowers blowing in the breeze and get a kick out of that lol

VillageBoi:
Semid has been very kind and given you a massive thumbs up. I read it once you posted it but didn’t even want to write anything because I’d be giving you a massive thumbs down. Not going to lie to you but this totally sucks. I don’t even know where to start suggesting to you on how to fix this. Ok, that’s my rant over.

Everyone on this site knows for a fact that you CAN write a million times better than this. It’s too short a film for you to really use any narration. All the narration does here is cover up the fact that you had nothing to write or even show.

You and I both know that you came up with this idea in five seconds and wrote it in five minutes – It’s so clear to see that no thought went into this at all. And we KNOW you CAN think up seriously good stuff… so why post this bland brain fvck? Ok, maybe my rant is actually over this time lol.

As said earlier on, how do I make suggestions on how you might go about fixing this? It’s so boring you shouldn’t even bother fixing it – just throw the whole idea in the bin.
You do realise not every ‘idea’ that pops into your head should be written? You’re a darn good writer so behave like one – Good ones probably throw away 80-90% of their ideas because they are shitty ideas.

This has a ton of narration, a ton of flash backing stuff and one crappy scene in the middle. What the fvck were you smoking? You need to shoot your drug supplier… he totally cheated you, go and ask for a refund.

Ok if you were going to fix this then cut out ALL of the narration. Enough of the tell, tell, tell style – start showing; afterall you alrady know how to. Even that proper bushmeat for mine village wey I dey chase go understand picture wey flash in front of her eyes.
The problem I have in making suggestions is that since nothing at all happened in this ‘film’ I have no idea what you were trying to write.

You gave us this logline – ‘The story revolves around an unemployed, young man who has another chance to change his luck the next day.’ That is the problem, you didn’t even follow your own logline and ended the script without the ‘twist’ or whatever of him changing his luck the next day. So again, you didn’t think about jack did you? So what was the rush? Fire dey burn for ya kitchen na im you press ‘send’? Or wan local-sista come knock for ya door, na im all blood wey dey ya brain rush go south? Or you have gone old skool ‘Nollygoof’ on our a$$e$ and want us to come back for part 5? You and who?

Did I hit a nerve with my 'bad' script? Everything is noted sir.

sholay2011:
Lol...tnx for your comment. But I dnt agree wiv a lot you wrote up there. Many ppl may end up as 'maga' as a result of desperation. And though it's quite predictable, but it's more relatable than 'paranoia'. It is just a highlight of the plight of an average unemployed young nigerian.

Then write a good script about that!

sholay2011:
Did I hit a nerve with my 'bad' script? Everything is noted sir.

No, not at all... but you know fully well I'd push you hard when I have to... you're good, now show us even better! You've followed enough of my various rants to recognise that I'd go Ninja on someone if I like them and think they have something really good in them.

Okay.

sholay2011: Okay.

No probs

VillageBoi:

He can write something totally cliche, totally predictable and it could be amazing... But totally boring is a no, no,no!

Cliche is not always bad, how many movies on romance are out there already. The script was too safe and maybe a story on how all those guys came to be at that interview that day would have made it more interesting somehow link it to turning his luck around? I dunno but I found it very safe.

You gave us this logline – ‘The story revolves around an unemployed, young man who has another chance to change his luck the next day.’ That is the problem, you didn’t even follow your own logline and ended the script without the ‘twist’ or whatever of him changing his luck the next day. So again, you didn’t think about jack did you? So what was the rush? Fire dey burn for ya kitchen na im you press ‘send’? Or one local-sista come knock for ya door, na im all blood wey dey ya brain rush go south? Or you have gone old skool ‘Nollygoof’ on our a$$e$ and want us to come back for part 5? You and who?

ijebabe:
Cliche is not always bad, how many movies on romance are out there already. The script was too safe and maybe a story on how all those guys came to be at that interview that day would have made it more interesting somehow link it to turning his luck around? I dunno but I found it very safe.

It was more than safe. It was soooo safe that nothing happened.

Every idea can be told in a million ways and you've just dropped an interesting one - who are the 'others' at the interview? Why was David favoured? Did he already know the interviewer as per na who know who?
And if he wants to tell the story from just the Lanre angle he should use far more 'description' and 'actions' to show his plight and then how he changes his luck. Not just a heavenly voice-over revealing all.

VillageBoi:

It was more than safe. It was soooo safe that nothing happened.

Every idea can be told in a million ways and you've just dropped an interesting one - who are the 'others' at the interview? Why was David favoured? Did he already know the interviewer as per na who know who?
And if he wants to tell the story from just the Lanre angle he should use far more 'description' and 'actions' to show his plight and then how he changes his luck. Not just a heavenly voice-over revealing all.

Seems lyk u dnt get d story. David, Alice and Mr Makinde planned the whole scam together while Alice and David still duped Mr Makinde of the little N500 over the N1000. David was just stationed there as one of the applicants.

Secondly, I don't see anything wrong with d logline. Yes, Lanre had the chance to try his luck the next day...It doesn't translate to him getting a job. It only means he had another platform, an interview, which was a scam anyway, to secure a job for himself.

I also get that you don't like the idea of a narration which I do because it covers a whole lot of scenes that I think are unnecessary that may prolong a short.

Lol@heavenly voice. God help u.

sholay2011:
Seems lyk u dnt get d story. David, Alice and Mr Makinde planned the whole scam together while Alice and David still duped Mr Makinde of the little N500 over the N1000. David was just stationed there as one of the applicants.

Point of correction - That did happen in the script but that WASN'T the story.

sholay2011: Lol@heavenly voice. God help u.

Lolol. Ah broda, my voice is very heavenly.

More on descripion - 'Heavenly voice-over' made you laugh because you could 'picture' the joke. Use words in your writing that are stong enough to convey a powerful image. Describe, describe, describe! Will be back in a sec, just have to quickly do someting.

Having read Paranoia my taste for your works are a bit high tbh. This was ok but not to my expectation. Looking forward to reading more from you. You're gifted

An0nimus: Having read Paranoia my taste for your works are a bit high tbh. This was ok but not to my expectation. Looking forward to reading more from you. You're gifted

Sorry this work wasn't up to par. Would work towards improvement, thanks.

Oga shola, i am sorry that this is coming late. I actually downloaded the script the day you posted it but i could not read it because i had to leave home for some days to help a dear friend out of his PLIGHT.

Now that i am back home, i have read it and all i can say is "nice write up, you can do better."
I clearly understand the story, i can read your mind and i can see the vision so i know what you were thinking. (wor da fork were u thinking?)
Don't be suprised if you are not getting positive reviews, this is because there are many ways you could have written your story to make it more captivating if you had taken the TIME but lets leave it... infact na LongThing.

NOW. *Sighs*. If i were you, i would not want to use the element 'NARATOR'. I don't know about traditional nollywood, but nobody uses the element NARATOR nowadays EXCEPT when writing for a Documentary feature or any other Narative feature or for tv.

Remember you are writing what your audience will SEE and what they will HEAR, that is why every character should have a distinct voice even if it is an Animated feature.

But here we dont know the voice of your NARATOR whether he has the same voice as one of the characters you have listed in the beginning, or if it is a machine voice, a robotic voice, or the voice of MTN CustomerCare Line.

For me i would prefer to use the element 'VOICE OVER (V.O)'.

E.g LANRE (V.O): Welcome to my world.

This shows that lanre is actually the same person as the narator. Isn't it sexy?

So long as you are not trying to acheive 'suspense'-maybe u dont want your readers to immediately figure out the identity of your narator. V.O is the tool.

I know you are working for 'the best' so keep going but try doing it the way 'the best' do it.

prof800: Oga shola, i am sorry that this is coming late. I actually downloaded the script the day you posted it but i could not read it because i had to leave home for some days to help a dear friend out of his PLIGHT.

Now that i am back home, i have read it and all i can say is "nice write up, you can do better."
I clearly understand the story, i can read your mind and i can see the vision so i know what you were thinking. (wor da fork were u thinking?)
Don't be suprised if you are not getting positive reviews, this is because there are many ways you could have written your story to make it more captivating if you had taken the TIME but lets leave it... infact na LongThing.

NOW. *Sighs*. If i were you, i would not want to use the element 'NARATOR'. I don't know about traditional nollywood, but nobody uses the element NARATOR nowadays EXCEPT when writing for a Documentary feature or any other Narative feature or for tv.

Remember you are writing what your audience will SEE and what they will HEAR, that is why every character should have a distinct voice even if it is an Animated feature.

But here we dont know the voice of your NARATOR whether he has the same voice as one of the characters you have listed in the beginning, or if it is a machine voice, a robotic voice, or the voice of MTN CustomerCare Line.

For me i would prefer to use the element 'VOICE OVER (V.O)'.

E.g LANRE (V.O): Welcome to my world.

This shows that lanre is actually the same person as the narator. Isn't it sexy?

So long as you are not trying to acheive 'suspense'-maybe u dont want your readers to immediately figure out the identity of your narator. V.O is the tool.

I know you are working for 'the best' so keep going but try doing it the way 'the best' do it.

Thanks. God bless.

prof800: Oga shola, i am sorry that this is coming late. I actually downloaded the script the day you posted it but i could not read it because i had to leave home for some days to help a dear friend out of his PLIGHT.

Now that i am back home, i have read it and all i can say is "nice write up, you can do better."
I clearly understand the story, i can read your mind and i can see the vision so i know what you were thinking. (wor da fork were u thinking?)
Don't be suprised if you are not getting positive reviews, this is because there are many ways you could have written your story to make it more captivating if you had taken the TIME but lets leave it... infact na LongThing.

NOW. *Sighs*. If i were you, i would not want to use the element 'NARATOR'. I don't know about traditional nollywood, but nobody uses the element NARATOR nowadays EXCEPT when writing for a Documentary feature or any other Narative feature or for tv.

Remember you are writing what your audience will SEE and what they will HEAR, that is why every character should have a distinct voice even if it is an Animated feature.

But here we dont know the voice of your NARATOR whether he has the same voice as one of the characters you have listed in the beginning, or if it is a machine voice, a robotic voice, or the voice of MTN CustomerCare Line.

For me i would prefer to use the element 'VOICE OVER (V.O)'.

E.g LANRE (V.O): Welcome to my world.

This shows that lanre is actually the same person as the narator. Isn't it sexy?

So long as you are not trying to acheive 'suspense'-maybe u dont want your readers to immediately figure out the identity of your narator. V.O is the tool.

I know you are working for 'the best' so keep going but try doing it the way 'the best' do it.

I was thinking same over here as i read the script. nice dialogue scene but the dialogue btw lanre's mum and him wasnt original.

ojesoj:
I was thinking same over here as i read the script. nice dialogue scene but the dialogue btw lanre's mum and him wasnt original.

Lol...I feel dat's even d most original of d dialogue in d script. Most Yoruba women of dat age wud rada speak Yoruba wiv dia son dan english especially wen dey re nt d rich type. Come on!

sholay2011:
Lol...I feel dat's even d most original of d dialogue in d script. Most Yoruba women of dat age wud rada speak Yoruba wiv dia son dan english especially wen dey re nt d rich type. Come on!

No,i dont mean her speaking yoruba to her son.i speak yoruba very well. But the food part tin. I wuld prefer he goes 2 d kitchen 2 make 4 himself,his younger one maybe like two younger one & 4 his mum

ojesoj:
No,i dont mean her speaking yoruba to her son.i speak yoruba very well. But the food part tin. I wuld prefer he goes 2 d kitchen 2 make 4 himself,his younger one maybe like two younger one & 4 his mum

Don't agree wiv u. No 1, he is the only child. No 2, he had an interview d next day. An 'overcaring' mother wud prefer to bear d burden of cooking just for her son to focus on how to make d interview a success.

Besides, some women just like to cook for their children. Example is mine.

sorry this is late, I downloaded it a few days ago and read it almost immediately.
I feel it was a great story and haven read all comments I have no idea what that village boi guy is smoking.
What I think the script lacked was basic screen writing techniques. I liked the concept of the narrator, however, like some others have noted a simple parenthesized (vo) would have done the trick, perfectly.
This is the 21st century, the character names should be above their statements.. Do you get?
LANRE
Bla bla bla bla bla.
I liked the flashback idea. Great. The 3rd scene i think, lacked a heading there should always be a heading.
What else??
Yes, twist. There are a million ways you could have ended it with a twist, for instance, Lanre could have seen David at a bar or something, having fun before the flashback. I haven't seen the paranoia everyone's talking about buh i'll rate this a good 6.5/10

kingchamp: I feel it was a great story and haven read all comments I have no idea what that village boi guy is smoking.

Yeah I smoke a lot of stuff. Don't you?

later.......i wan sleep.

speedyboi: later.......i wan sleep.

Sweet dreams nd dream of ijebabe

Hmmmm

sholay2011:
Sweet dreams nd dream of ijebabe

I'm back! Is my bro smoking some silly shii? The script wasn't that bad joor! It seems he doesn't like narrations, So this kinda storytelling isn't his taste.

WELL, Sholay....first of all, I have to say this story is not my type of story (sentiments attached)....so......

#this work is not really original. At some point, It kept reminding me of the short 'To serve With all my strength'.
#plot isn't well developed at all. You know this. It's so predictable! and nothing gives me 'that feeling'.
#To top it all, this script looks like a lazy job!

I'm sorry bro, but you are better than this. you already gave us that 'wao!' feeling and you just have to maintain the standard. One love!