A friend of mine fell in love with a guy who was ten years older than her and got pregnant for him after 4years of wonderful relationship in her third year in d university at 21.
after which she moved in with him without marriage and they lived together with the hope of getting married legally but got pregnant again,thereby having 2 pretty girls for him after which he changed and became something else.
to cut the story short they broke up after 3years and my friend had to go back to her parents after so much emotional and physical torture,while he took over the children.
Then ,she was posted to kano for her nysc and was offered employement there
which she took as an escape route out of her problems and so had to stay in kano while her children are in lagos with their dad.
while in kano ,she joined achurch and served wholeheartedly and along the line met another guy who is just ayear older than her,this guy proposed marriage and my friend had to tell him her story to chase him away but to her amazement the guy was so touched by her story and insisted on marrying her,which she accepted, but after 8 months in the relationship her ex shows up again to apologise.
now she is so confused ,she is in love with this new guy and really want to marry him because he is God fearing but on the hand loves her children and would want to take care of them herself cos they are young -3and 5 years.
Pls nairalanders , i don't know what to tell her ,kindly advise cos the new guy wants to marry her as soon as possible.

which is important to her ? her kids or herself she shud weigh the pros and cons on both side and den decide wat if it doesnt work out in the end with dis god fearing fellow wat about her kids ? its all about wat she loves most herslf or her kids.

No, it's not about her loving herself or her kids more, shes confused because she wants the kids to grow up in a proper family unit, which is okay, but, should she give up someone she loves and someone that loves her, just for an unstable relationship with the baby's father? what if he becomes harsh again after all of that apologising? She will loose on both ends. So you are right, she should weigh the pros and the cons of her staying or going, but don't simply go because he came out the woodwork after she got herself settled. The kids will be fine, she needs to in fact, make herself happy. Again, the decision is hers to make, just hope she can live with it.

Since you are now a born again Christian, I advice you seek the face of the Almighty God before taking any decision that can make or mar you in future. There is nothing hard for God to do likewise you know actually what you want and what will make you to be happy in life. Wishing you the best of luck.

@Topic

I will not go back to the father of my children!  I have been with him and know what he is all about.  Let your friend give this other guy a chance who accepted her with all her baggage. . .they have the same faith and have a lot in common.  She can have joint custody with the baby daddy to raise the two girls.

Usually, men are selfish and the father of the children is just in her life to mess things up.  Women only look attractive to mean spirited men when they feel insecure about other men going after what they have rejected in the past.

Especially, when the new guys are much better men than they are. 

It is a trap. . .the father of her kids maybe a changed man and so forth, but I would not give him a chance even if I were your friend and single.  He needs to move on and stay gone!


_{Even dog no dey vomit for road go back go chop am because of hunger!}

What she needs to do is really weigh her option.
Go back to the man she has a child for or staying with the new guy -that has brought nothing but joy and peace to her.

If anybody deceives her by saying 'the devil u know is better than the saint u dont', thats just pure rubbish.
what she needs to do is really prayerfully weigh her options but the one fact is that God will never want u to enter a relationship where u will be battered - so she really needs to sit down and try and sort a way where she can get her kids back.

This is an easy one! Your friend would have to ask herself a couple of questions. At what point in time did her children`s dad become a bad/different person? If that started after 3 or 4 years, how does she know that the guy she met 8-months ago would not become a bad boy after 3 or 4 years? The current boyfriend must have his own weaknesses, what are those? Does she know how he would react when he comes face-to-face with her own worst weaknesses?
From what you have said here, her current boyfriend is still in his 20s, right? Trust me, he is still developing, I`m sure you know what that means!
More importantly, you guys don`t seem to attach much importance to the fact that some kids are involved here. The next ten years would be the most important in the lives of those two kids, by then your friend would be in her 30s. Why is it that she can`t wait so as to bring those kids up before moving on, if she must? Those kids did not ask her to bring them into this world. She may think their dad would take a good care of them, but that may change the moment a step-mum come into the equation.
From the way I frame my response, you could see that I`m in favour of her remaining with the dad of those children. This is the time to read the riot act to him! Let her set the conditions that must be fulfilled before she can go back to him. The reasons why he is coming back now are the same reasons why the new guy wants to marry her; those reasons are embedded in her character and are not like to vanish in her 30s. They were happy together for 3 years before something happened, both of them need to discuss why. Should things remain unchanged, divorce is always an option. but by then, Your friend would have successfully brought up some wonderful children, and still be in her 30s. She won`t be losing much by so doing. Good luck!

@Teriba
I beg to differ, not all men are dogs.

@Topic

I would advise her not to go back to her ex. She has found someone who accepts her as she is, flaws and all, she should thank God and pray with him for their relationship.
As for the children, she can get them back. She doesn't need to worry about raising the children in a stable family environment with her ex because that itself may not be stable. There's no stability in a home when mummy and daddy don't care for each other. We have this mentality that if you're with the father of your children then the family will be stable. What kind of an example is she setting for her daughters? That it's okay if they fall in love with the wrong guy as long as they stick it out? No.
She needs to stay away from her exa and try to get her girls back. More than likely the man doesn't want the children, he's only using them as a leverage.

@Modupsie

Tell your friend or if it's you that this happened to stick to the new guy, that brother has a heart. You can sing this song to the baby daddy. " Hit the road jack, don't you come back no more no more. hit hit the road jack, don't you come back no more". Your baby daddy is a disgrace to African men and he should be banned from having sex or making babies. Keep your head up sweetheart and enjoy your new relationship !!

stick to the new guy

Tell her to stick with the new guy. An abusive man will always be an abusive man. Unless, a leopard's spot can be changed. Marry the new guy that shows better prospect, caring and loving. Just because a man is your children's father, it does not automatically mean he is the man for you. It can mean you chose the wrong man to have children with, or you weren't thinking right then.

dear, why go back to egypt?

@Ibkaye

What's up beautiful? How was school today? And how's your Mama? It seems like everytime i look at your profile, i feel your mama looks like she is saying " What are you looking at, Leave my daughter alone". But still she is beautiful though. Got a nice little dimple on that smile.


Do you speak any hausa?

@ poster.
I would advice your friend stick to the new guy. An abusive relationship is not healthy for the kids. It will actually do more harm than good if she chooses to stay with her children's father. The best thing she can do is to forgive him of all he did to her but going back should not be an option. THERE IS NO REASON WHY A WOMAN OR MAN SHOULD STAY IN AN ABUSIVE REALATIONSHIP FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS. What she can do is to make sure to continue to keep in touch with her children. In time they will grow up and she will be able to explain to them why she didn't stay.

The most important thing is to pray about the situation and count on God to help her take the right step. I know they say "the devil you know is better than the one u don't" but I say, why stay with the devil anyways, just move on. She should make sure to stay in contact with her children, keep them in prayer and all will be well.

I'll advise your friend stay with the new guy!
I'll advise your friend return to her ex!!
I'll advise your friend stay away from both!!

That is not what anybody here can say emphatically. Alot of silent questions need answer before making any decision.
Teriba's series of questions would help her.

We forget that the lady was not married to the ex and had two kids at 21. I am seeing deeper than an abusive man. I am seeing a misunderstood case. Let take a second look at the circumstance of that 4 year marriageless cohabitation. I personally would NEVER be happy living with a woman who is not married to me and not ready to marry me after having my baby whatever her . I'll lose interest in her and change toward her since I know, she might be using me. Must the ex hav gone through that scenerio? Living with a lady that has his kids but doesn't want to marry? What kind of parents would allow their ward go into that venture? Everyone that must castigate the ex must equally seek to answer that question. The lady brought the troubles on herself and she must accept that her "immaturity" drove her into that union. Or is it possible she did that for economic reasons? Again, no man who had brain in his head would respect a lady tha cling to him for selfish reason.

That said: the lady must realise that everyman has his weakness, only marriage exposes the hidden gabbages in us. When we marry, we aenter into a contract to accept the other person's shortcoming and live with it. Born or Dead again, a man must have his shortcoming.

She fell in love with the new guy because there was a vacuum in her heart to be filled and the guy happen to be there. He was on hand to listen to her and threw pity party. Not because the new guy is better than others.

Tell your friend to first ponder on her role in the breakup with her ex. Let her re-examine herself and not jump into conclusion. Only this can guaranttee her happiness. But, if she want her kids, she had to marry the ex legally.

THANKS EVERYONE COS MY FRIEND HAS BEEN READING ALL CONTRIBUTIONS AND HAS DECIDED TO PRAY MORE B4 TAKING ANY ACTION.
@ TERIBA,THANKS, SHE IS NOT SAYING THIS NEW GUY IS A SAINT BUT THE DIFFERENCE BTW D 2 IS DAT ONE HAS A HEART FOR GOD AND LOVES HIM THAN THE OTHER. AND I ALSO THINK IT TAKES GOD FOR A SINGLE GUY TO WANT TO MARRY A MOTHER OF 2.

@AKINGIRL- YOU GOT IT RIGHT SHE ABSOLUTELY WANTS HER CHILDREN TO GROW UP IN A PROPER FAMILY SETTING AND HAS ACTUALLY GONE ALL OUT TO BEG THIS GUY COS OF THIS B4 NOW BUT HE REFUSED. ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY HE IS COMING BACK NOW.
@OLANAJIM- SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED TO HIM BUT HER PARENTS INSISTED IT SHOULD BE AFTER HER GRADUATION.WHICH LED TO HER MOVING IN WITH THE GUY AGAINST THEIR CONSENT CO SHE WANTS THE BABY DELIVERED IN HER FATHER'S HOUSE."WHICH WOMAN WOULD NOT TO GET MARRIED TO A MAN SHE LOVES."
SHE HAS GROWN UP NOW THAN THEN AND HAS REALISED HER SHORTCOMINGS WITH HER EX.
SHE NEVER ENTERED FOR ECONOMIC REASONS BUT PURE LOVE,SHE IS FROM A COMFORTABLE HOME



BUT ABOVE ALL, SHE IS PRAYING FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW

modupsie:


@AKINGIRL- YOU GOT IT RIGHT SHE ABSOLUTELY WANTS HER CHILDREN TO GROW UP IN A PROPER FAMILY SETTING AND HAS ACTUALLY GONE ALL OUT TO BEG THIS GUY COS OF THIS B4 NOW BUT HE REFUSED. ONLY GOD KNOWS
BUT ABOVE ALL, SHE IS PRAYING FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW

There is not much to pray about.  The hand writing is on the wall. . .the children never grew up in a "proper family setting" with all this baby-daddy-mama-drama. Probably never will with all the step daddies and step mothers they are about to accquire left, right and center.   So who is she trying to deceive? Herself or Narialand?

Kudos for the parents for allowing her to graduate first.  Moving in with the guy was the smartest move she ever made.  That was the best time to observe him and find out what he was all about.  It is called dating after the fact.  That experience counts too.  If the guy could not do the honorable thing and marry her after graduation. . . tough!  He did not have to keep sleeping with her and making more babies.  That was a trial marriage as far as I am concerned and the divorce is final.  Thank their lucky stars it is not recorded in the "House of Deeds"! 

The reason I love this kinds of shack and breed unions. . . nothing counts against you in the books of matrimony.  No one ever has to see that record only hear of it.  No proof of such a failure! If they had done the registry or church thing now. . . the divorce will be in black and white. . . a solid proof of a failed marriage. . . .recorded as STRIKE ONE!  Your friend needs to do the right thing so she does not record that "STRIKE #1" with the wrong person in black and white!  She can never erase it if she messes up!   

If I were in your friend's shoes I would be using ma head God gave me to think with. . . that is called praying I think.  My trend of thinking would be in the following lines.

If I did not have another person given me the much deserved attention I needed now, I would have said fine. . . let's make a go for it.  But since I have someone else. . .he just has to wait. . . .after all we have 2 kids together and he can't do any better for my life.  I will thank him from the bottom of ma heart.  But I am sticking with ma new guy. . . a single and religious one for that matter. . . . .  who has accepted me with all ma "garawa".    Then if it does not work out. . .we can hook up later after he too must have been humbled by the almighty rejection process! Second hand jam second hand!  Not a vendatta. . .but I sure would take the opportunity to dish out the same serving of cold salad he dished out to me. . . no qualms about that at all! I have made ma choice and I am sticking with it.  Will deal with the consequences later!

Move on with the new guy. Many times the angel is always better.

My Big cousin married a woman that went thru ur friend's predicament. In her case too the first guy she lived with wasn't a legal marriage. She had two kids also & the called hubby treated her like trash. She had to leave before she got killed. She met my big cousin several years later. They both fell in love and they'v been happily married ever since. She has three kids for my cousin now. I could never believe my cousin would marry her, altho u could hardly tell she had drops kids then, but later i saw in her a good woman. And i saw more of what my cousin fell for. She has five kids altogether now & they are all doing fine. My cousin even took over sponsoring the education of the second child from his wife's first union (he as graduated now). I'm sure that woman has a fulfilled life. I'm thinking there couldn't have been anyone better for my cousin.

Once a guy has pushed u to the wall, & u thot it well before u took a walk. Don't allow any sweet talks he comes up with especially after several years turn u in again. Tell ur friend to move on & not look back. My 2 kobo.

Aj,
I think you have a good point. When a relationship is proving to be irredeemably cursed, it is foolhardy to hang on to it and endure the torments it brought whether it has kids in it or not. Yes, I agree wholeheartedly to that. But NO, I disagree with that trial marriage and those things you added to it. I believes the trouble with many of our youth in that age bracket is that thex equate sex with love. Compassion, empathy, and closeness is never equivalence to love. What is more, when a girl had a crush on someone, she started thinking of love!

I will never subcribe to trial marriage even though it is allowed in some religions including Islam. (though it is resented in muslim world). It is meant for the mature and not the teenage mothers that are just tasting the forbidden fruits.

On that prayer stuff. Again, I get the point in it. Many people are using prayer as an excuss not to think. If the lady fall into that category, I am sorry she would be disappointed. We need to understand that prayers lighten our tasks NOT remove them. The girl should pray for guidance and think with her head.

@poster,
tell your friend to put aside love at this junction because it is apparent she still have feelings for her ex.

Is she willing to live with her "ex" shortcomings?
Has the ex shown her convincing reasons that he is a changed man?
If she return to her ex, will her parents consent to the marriage?
If she return, did she has enough shock absorber to absorb the negative influence of her ex habits?

Finally, do me a favour, ask her what the problem she had with her ex is and what the thing the man did that made her quit. Post it. Maybe they are minor, or unpardonable, who knows. I especially want to know so I can have a clearer picture. At times, it is just a passing phase in marriage. At times, it is not. Let hear it.

Posted by: olanajim
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Many people are using prayer as an excuse not to think.

[/size]

Truer words were never spoken!

@ almondjoy, thanks but she is not using prayer as an excuse not too think but to ensure her decision now would not bring regret in future.so she needs God guidance.
so far i think she wants a fresh and real marriage now with the new guy.
@ olanajim, the trial marriage was not planned but happened cos she wants her child delivered in her (baby)father's house not with her own parent. And she did not just quit but had to be taken out of his house by her grandma cos the pain was just toomuch.
Finally, do me a favour, ask her what the problem she had with her ex is and what the thing the man did that made her quit. Post it. Maybe they are minor, or unpardonable, who knows
well, from what i know infidelity was one of the problems and he complains about everything and anything.
also late nights and on her part he complains that she does not respect him and not submissive, which she has worked on now.

~Lady~:

@Teriba
I beg to differ, not all men are dogs.

@Topic

I would advise her not to go back to her ex. She has found someone who accepts her as she is, flaws and all, she should thank God and pray with him for their relationship.
As for the children, she can get them back. She doesn't need to worry about raising the children in a stable family environment with her ex because that itself may not be stable. There's no stability in a home when mummy and daddy don't care for each other. We have this mentality that if you're with the father of your children then the family will be stable. What kind of an example is she setting for her daughters? That it's okay if they fall in love with the wrong guy as long as they stick it out? No.
She needs to stay away from her exa and try to get her girls back. More than likely the man doesn't want the children, he's only using them as a leverage.

What a breaking news! Do you really mean that all men are not the same? Thanks alot, I didn`t see that coming. Going by what I`ve been reading from our sisters on nairaland, I was thinking that all men are the same: selfish, disnonest and womanisers. OK, let`s move on then on that positive note. This issue has to do with our ability to link the past to the present so as to have a reasonable guess about the future. Since over 6 billion people in this world are calling on God and Jesus in all our prayers then it means that there must be something that we need to add in order to get a positive outcome. That is where our judgement and objectivity come in. Is it possible for me to advise someone to just leave her boyfriend/husband until I`ve heard what he`s done wrong? Would it be right and proper for me to give such advice without looking at the options available? I`m truly worried that the moment someone comes here for advice on relationships, there is a separation brigade that is too quick to scream ` leave him` or `dump her`. In this case the urge to do that is so high that we don`t even bother to ask the poster the kind of problems the ex is giving the poster`s friend. No, that is unnecessary, what is important is that she is happy elsewhere and that is it.
One of the problems we have on our hands here has to do with the options available to the poster`s friend. The only option we are discussing happens to be a 20something Nigerian bachelor who is promising heaven and earth to a good woman. The fact of the matter is, he has seen this woman who looks pretty and decent and, most importantly, still available. Now there is a bubble building up in Kano that is not taking cognizance of Lagos reality. However, the reality in Lagos is that two kids are living with a dad that is thinking about the options available to him. Now that he`s going to hear the fact that the mother of his children is gone for ever, this scenario would then assume a new dimension, and it is this that would deliver Lagos reality to the new lover. Truth is, up until now, the guy in Kano hasn`t tasted the practical manifestaion of his girl-friend`s status, that would come when he has to live with two children with their dad blowing hot and cold simultaneously. Do we know what he would do at that stage? Do we know what his parents would say at that point? I put all these factors into consideration before giving the advice I gave.
The kid`s dad is back. For the first time, she is in a position to dictate the terms of their relationship. Unless his flaws are life-threatening, or that he is a womanising alcoholic, I still believe that he is a better choice than the loverboy. Of course, the person here can choose to remain single or look for another man. But to say that she should leave this ex for this new guy is a decision pregnant with too many uncertanties.

yemivictor:

My own concern is about the other youngster @ kano who seems to have a heart of gold!

Are his parents going to approve of his marrying an after two!?

I mean, we all know our culture & the way our parents are!!

God bless you for asking this almighty question!

she is first not a good mother - which mother leaves the gustody and upkeep of her children to a man? where is that done? if she loved the children that much all along, she wonuldnt have left them at the mercy of the man - i will rathr advice the man to stay clear - if she wasnt good to you before, how do you think she will be good this time?

You self - u no fit get another pu ssy to dey put yah penis again, wey be say na dis old pu ssy you still dey come meet - shio,.

@teriba, the guy's mum is aware and support her son cos he is also from a broken home and was raised by his mum.

@ his grace, why do u talk without thinking, she is a good mother, the guy insisted on having his kids cos she has to go for nysc in kano, should she drag 2 kids to nysc camp or how can she be reposted to lagos without a marriage certificate.
and moreover, the kids her being taken care of by her ex sister not him and she visits lagos bi-monthly to visit her kids and spend time with them .she just returned from her 2weeks easter holiday to celebrate the birthday of one of them.
Also ,she is a young lady of 27 not an old mama,if she did not open her mouth to tell me her story i would neva believe she had one child not to talk of 2. she is beautiful inside out

@ olanajim, the trial marriage was not planned but happened because she wants her child delivered in her (baby)father's house not with her own parent. And she did not just quit but had to be taken out of his house by her grandma because the pain was just too much.


that is bad enough. I think it mean women should stop clinging to men just because of pregnancy, I have a cousin whose husband is bad, the father told her to go and deliver the baby. After that, she came back home and continues her life,


Finally, do me a favour, ask her what the problem she had with her ex is and what the thing the man did that made her quit. Post it. Maybe they are minor, or unpardonable, who knows
well, from what i know infidelity was one of the problems and he complains about everything and anything.
also late nights and on her part he complains that she does not respect him and not submissive, which she has worked on now.
[quote][/quote]


what do you mean by , " he complains that she does not respect him and not submissive, which she has worked on now." ? what has she worked on? and who?

I mean she accepts her fault, she was not submissive in the relationship which could be as a result of her immaturity at that time and her age.
and has outgrown some childish attitude she exhibited in the relationship e.g unnecessary malice and crying.
she has grown now and her faith has made her more humble and lively.

@Sweet T
I'm fine thankyou! You? School? Lol, nah im on holiday Just been doing a lot of revision Hausa? Nope, I don't speak hausa

@ Topic

Its quite interesting reading peoples response and opinion.

But I couldn't help but notice that guys are already tagging the man "an abusive father". A guy changing in a relationship does not mean he is abusive.

Secondly, we don't know the circumstances that lead to the so called changing in the guy's behaviour. Besides any body living with a partner (legally married or not) will know that couples experience ups and downs in relationships. That does not make the relationship wrong.

@ Poster

What should be paramount in your friend's mind is the future of her kids. I will only tell her that a broken home is not palatable!