What would you do? We humans often love to brag about our accomplishments, but what happens when your biggest and proudest achievement(s) doesn't fair so well compared to his/her peers? Is it so bad?

I was reading the following article about one woman's experience and someone commented "The world will always need check-out assistants" . Share your thoughts

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/22/why-isnt-my-child-clever-as-me

I didn't realise how important being bright was to me until I had a daughter who wasn't. I was brought up by searingly intelligent parents, both complicated, funny, intellectual. They bonded over cryptic crosswords and were contemptuous of tabloid-reading mouth-breathers.

I grew up believing that having an incisive wit and split-second recall of arcane facts is more important than being kind or compassionate. I modelled myself on Dorothy Parker and admired her brand of effortlessly cruel humour.

If someone was bright, I warmed to them. If someone was not, I yawned. I assumed that my child would share my feelings. No, I assumed that she would be like me. The first signs were good. In the womb, Bella was constantly kicking and hiccupping, as if she yearned to be out there, engaging the world in a lively debate. And when she arrived she was restless, with a nervous energy that was alarming. My father declared her "very alert" and I glowed with pride, even though she cried endlessly. "She is too clever to just nod off by herself," I reasoned as she screamed through the night.

But as she entered the toddler years, this agitated, highly emotional baby didn't show any signs of developing the cerebral abilities you'd assume came with being alert. She was slow to talk; while friends' children could string together three words – "Wan go slide" – Bella would just utter "slide". All the other milestones found her trailing behind her peers: potty-training, dressing herself, identifying colours. She'd reach them eventually, but always months behind her contemporaries.

It's not helpful to compare, I'd tell myself. Celebrate her for herself. But when you're a new parent, it's impossible not to measure your child against other children.

I searched for reasons. She had a long and traumatic birth – had it left her with slight brain damage? Did all that crying in the first year frazzle her synapses?

I grew weary of the competitive mums at the playgroups with their "stealth boasting". "I'm so cross with Saffron," one mum said. "She's taught herself all her letters – she'll be so bored at school." I'd get a sick feeling when even the sweetest of friends would mention her child's progress, as I hated having airily to reply that, "No, Bella isn't doing that yet".

I felt protective of Bella – she didn't know she wasn't measuring up – but also disappointed. I desperately wanted her to be as good as, if not better, than her friends.

I'd try to "hot-house" her with educational toys, but she found anything but the most basic games baffling. She loved to play with dollies and teddies and grew edgy around anything challenging such as jigsaws – she just couldn't grasp how to tackle them and didn't like me trying to help her.

When she started at infants school, I was hoping that somehow things would just click for her; that she would respond to her teacher differently from how she responded to me.

Bella came home with a work book. We'd go through it together, and she'd carefully draw around the letters I'd outlined in dots for her. But turn the page and the lesson would vanish from her mind. By the end of the school year, the alphabet was still a meaningless set of squiggles to her. I wondered about dyslexia, but her teacher was unconcerned. "She's one of the youngest in the class. Don't worry – she'll catch up," she said. I felt that she didn't care.

Her dad's spelling is dubious and his memory for names and dates is laughable. It must be his fault, I reasoned, glad to have something to pin the blame on to. He wasn't concerned, saying that he needed extra help at school, but seeing as he went on to university and into a profession, it didn't really affect him in the long term.

Comforted by that, I relaxed a little and tried not to be so anxious about Bella. I learned to resist peeking into her friend's bookbags, to see how far they had got through the school's graded library. It only brought heartache when I saw they were light years ahead of Bella. I focused instead on her positive traits: her friendliness and sensitivity. I imagined the cleverer kids gloomily grinding away in a boring job while Bella was surrounded by laughing friends.

But a new school year brought a new teacher, one who was less laid-back. She had noticed that Bella often daydreamed in class and didn't seem to be focused on what was going on, and wondered if there was an underlying cause. I was heartened by her hands-on approach, and gladly agreed to have Bella's eyes and hearing tested. Both tests came back normal. But I already knew her learning delay wasn't due to her eyesight or hearing. It was about cognition.

By the time she was six, she was far behind her classmates – evident by seeing all their work up on the wall in class – and had developed a block about anything remotely academic, because it was associated with stress and failure. To be faced every day with impenetrable squiggles that she couldn't decipher was miserable. The teacher encouraged me to practise reading and writing every night with her, but every letter was a struggle and every session ended in tears, tantrums and dejection. Being a good middle-class mum, I didn't give up. I researched different approaches, turned each exercise into a game, used reward charts and bribery. We had so many stickers that they papered the walls. But ultimately she was resistant to reading and would do anything to avoid it, including sliding off the chair like an eel.

An educational psychologist was called in at school, and declared that although Bella was behind, she was still progressing, just at her own pace. I asked about dyslexia, but they didn't test for it until she was in year three, two years away.

I voiced my concern to Bella's teacher that if she was dyslexic, it seemed a long time to have to endure without any support, but she thought differently. She wasn't showing the classic characteristics of it and anyway, "It may just be that Bella's talents lie elsewhere. Just because you are academic doesn't mean she will be." I instantly felt she had consigned Bella to the slush pile.

Bella looked like me, I so wanted her to be a mini-me, and it was deeply ingrained in me that being clever was important. But while I felt defensive on behalf of Bella, shamefully, I also wanted to distance myself from her, to splutter that I had learned to read before school; I love reading, I'm a writer. It wasn't my fault.

Bella was put into a special class for some subjects, so she had more one-to-one support. I had to sign a consent form for this, and felt mortified. It only served to heighten my awareness that she was not as bright as her classmates, and that I wished she was.

I confided in some friends that Bella wasn't doing well at school and they batted away my concerns with platitudes: "Oh, Bella's lovely. She's so creative, it doesn't matter about that." I think it made them uncomfortable. What could they say?

I asked the teacher whether Bella would always need to be in the euphemistically named "sunshine room". "I just wish all the children got the attention that Bella is getting," she replied. "It's a wonderful way of learning." In other words, yes.

Now that Bella is in year two, her class has been streamed. At the start of term, the parents were brought in to be told what was involved. One mum demanded to know whether there was a top, middle and bottom stream. "No, no, no," they replied. "They are only there to support how the child learns."

I'm no fool. Bella is in the bottom stream. All her friends are in the middle and top streams. Sadly, the only thing the streaming has taught her is that she is behind, as she recently confided while upset. My heart broke for her. All this time I had been stewing in my own frustration and disappointment and anxiety about Bella's lack of progress, I had been comforted by the fact that she was oblivious to it. I had made sure that I told her every day how wonderful she was, despite my inner worries. Her being aware of it made it doubly sad. One ray of hope, though, is that she now sees the point in doing her homework and has discovered an inner resolve. I left her last parents' evening feeling optimistic. She's on the brink of turning a corner, the teacher said.

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll grow up loving the cryptic crossword or maybe she'll be happier with word searches. I have set so much store on being clever that it may take a while for me to come to terms with this, but it's a lesson I need to learn.

I can soooo relate to this article. Am just remembering how i was flipping out when my daughter was classed as on the lower end of class based on numeracy. I practically clugged the whole house with numbers and in 3 weeks holidays she made a vast improvemrnt.I banned peppa pig,princess whatever and was a real meanie(after much harrassing in short if it was possible to be counting rice on the plate i woild have made her).Her teacher could not get over the progress in 3 weeks.

Do i feel bad?A lil.Do i regret it?Not really.Maybe some kids need pushing

From the article, it appears she is not in Nigeria (probably US or UK). So I'm quite surprised there was no mention of the child seeing a psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation to figure out what exactly the problem is. I don't believe the school psychologists do as comprehensive a job as an independent psychologist would. That would help them figure out how best to help the child attain her maximal capacity and have realistic expectations.

I can imagine the mother's frustration though.

ileobatojo: From the article, it appears she is not in Nigeria (probably US or UK). So I'm quite surprised there was no mention of the child seeing a psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation to figure out what exactly the problem is. I don't believe the school psychologists do as comprehensive a job as an independent psychologist would. That would help them figure out how best to help the child attain her maximal capacity and have realistic expectations.

I can imagine the mother's frustration though.

Interestingly i agree with you on the eval of the child to help identify latent abilities which a parent would not be able to adjudge

Parents shd not look at a child with the same eyes
Some children are not meant to be book genuises like their parents are
Some kids develop late and have interest in other things that their parent dont care about

If Leonardo da Vinci's parent had stifled his creativity, we would not have his drawings today
Ditto Bill Gates who left school to pursue his dream
Wole Soyinka was adjudged third class and yet hes a Nobel Laureate
Tolu Elumelu founded a modern financial empire

Some people are latent genius but dyslexic and supposed cant read (but they do in their own way)

This is an illustrious list of people who im sure would have been found puzzling by their parents and peers in the growing days
If dyslexia is key to being in this group, maybe its not a bad thing to have


- Note i am not saying this child is dyslexic (he may or may not be) but that parents should be patient with kids and study them to identify their gifts

- Prayerfully commit your child to the Higher Authority (if you believe) and to your logic (fir the other brothers). That child has a purpose and your goal is to help him acheieve it in life

- Parents should not live vicariously through their kids.

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Read more: http://www.dyslexia.com/famous.htm

I agree Biola and my hubby keeps telling me that academics( the way we were caned into learning times tables )the naija way is not the be all and end all of a childs achievement.I am learning to ease up a lil and stop the comparison.

My daughter teacher keeps telling me ease up mummy she is doing well.I guess its just the first child syndrome.

Dylesxia in Naija when i was growing up is just an Olodo who could not spell

damiso: I agree Biola and my hubby keeps telling me that academics( the way we were caned into learning times tables )the naija way is not the be all and end all of a childs achievement.I am learning to ease up a lil and stop the comparison.

My daughter teacher keeps telling me ease up mummy she is doing well.I guess its just the first child syndrome.

Dylesxia in Naija when i was growing up is just an Olodo who could not spell

na so,, u go collect baba nla iya cane jagbajantis until the spirit of dys-wetin run comot for your body

but seriously parents are the first indicator of direction for a child's life
Observe his interactions among his peers, very important

In modern work places, the leaders are not necessarily the most brilliant but those who have the highest emotional intelligence and can get people coordinated to acheive business goals

I believe it is not a do or die affair! As Parents, appreciate your child for who he/she is as Children are beautiful gifts from God Almighty. Thank God you referred to him/her as a 'Child', you don't know what tomorrow may bring! Wether Intelligient/Dumb, God has a purpose.

I have seen cases where intelligent Children became dumb and were crowned a president. I am citing GEJ as a case in point!! .

damiso: I agree Biola and my hubby keeps telling me that academics( the way we were caned into learning times tables )the naija way is not the be all and end all of a childs achievement.I am learning to ease up a lil and stop the comparison.

My daughter teacher keeps telling me ease up mummy she is doing well.I guess its just the first child syndrome.

Dylesxia in Naija when i was growing up is just an Olodo who could not spell

I totally respect your honesty! I'm not a mother, but I would assume my natural reaction would be very similar to yours .

I don't advocate trying to make your child "the smartest", but all these "experts" harp on about how fundamental the early years are for a child to grasp basic literacy and numeracy. I'm not sure of the point at which I would say "that is enough, my child has caught up!". That makes me fearful. The better part of me understands that it is probably better to encourage my child to reach their own potential. I hope "my husband" will neutralise the potential inner control freak I feel is emerging .

I belief in prayer nd serious coaching,and with God all things are possibble.

biolabee:

Parents shd not look at a child with the same eyes
Some children are not meant to be book genuises like their parents are
Some kids develop late and have interest in other things that their parent dont care about

If Leonardo da Vinci's parent had stifled his creativity, we would not have his drawings today
Ditto Bill Gates who left school to pursue his dream
Wole Soyinka was adjudged third class and yet hes a Nobel Laureate
Tolu Elumelu founded a modern financial empire

Some people are latent genius but dyslexic and supposed cant read (but they do in their own way)

This is an illustrious list of people who im sure would have been found puzzling by their parents and peers in the growing days
If dyslexia is key to being in this group, maybe its not a bad thing to have


- Note i am not saying this child is dyslexic (he may or may not be) but that parents should be patient with kids and study them to identify their gifts

- Prayerfully commit your child to the Higher Authority (if you believe) and to your logic (fir the other brothers). That child has a purpose and your goal is to help him acheieve it in life

- Parents should not live vicariously through their kids.

This is what I thought when reading the womans tale. I agree 100^1000000%!!!!!! (My own mother probably would scold me for not obeying the rules of true percentages but mummy I choose to express myself in this way )

Lmao, intelligence cannot be only measured by academics. Focus on nurturing and realising the child's potential It can be music, arts, or social welfare the child will excel in. Quite frankly for the truely intelligent, routine things like classroom and education can be boring and non stimulating. Correct karma though for the writer of the article. This is what happens when you make fun of other's. Your kid may just be dull.lmao.

Flytefalls: I was reading the following article about one woman's experience and someone commented "The world will always need check-out assistants"

FUNNIEST SHITTT I'VE READ THIS YEAR..... LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **real tears**

ileobatojo: From the article, it appears she is not in Nigeria (probably US or UK). So I'm quite surprised there was no mention of the child seeing a psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation to figure out what exactly the problem is. I don't believe the school psychologists do as comprehensive a job as an independent psychologist would. That would help them figure out how best to help the child attain her maximal capacity and have realistic expectations.

I can imagine the mother's frustration though.

It's UK. Perhaps there is no developmental/learning problem here. Relatively, she may just be on the bottom end of her academic class? It does make me wonder though

ileobatojo: From the article, it appears she is not in Nigeria (probably US or UK). So I'm quite surprised there was no mention of the child seeing a psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation to figure out what exactly the problem is. I don't believe the school psychologists do as comprehensive a job as an independent psychologist would. That would help them figure out how best to help the child attain her maximal capacity and have realistic expectations.

I can imagine the mother's frustration though.

And how has that helped the tons of academically-disadvantaged(ungifted) people in the UK attain the maximal capacity?

Some are just not naturally gifted academically... However, that doesn't mean that they're less intelligent - it has more to do with their cognitive skills...

Anyway, I think intelligence is grossly overrated, tbh...

biolabee:
Interestingly i agree with you on the eval of the child to help identify latent abilities which a parent would not be able to adjudge

Parents shd not look at a child with the same eyes
Some children are not meant to be book genuises like their parents are
Some kids develop late and have interest in other things that their parent dont care about

If Leonardo da Vinci's parent had stifled his creativity, we would not have his drawings today
Ditto Bill Gates who left school to pursue his dream
Wole Soyinka was adjudged third class and yet hes a Nobel Laureate
Tolu Elumelu founded a modern financial empire

Some people are latent genius but dyslexic and supposed cant read (but they do in their own way)

This is an illustrious list of people who im sure would have been found puzzling by their parents and peers in the growing days
If dyslexia is key to being in this group, maybe its not a bad thing to have


- Note i am not saying this child is dyslexic (he may or may not be) but that parents should be patient with kids and study them to identify their gifts

- Prayerfully commit your child to the Higher Authority (if you believe) and to your logic (fir the other brothers). That child has a purpose and your goal is to help him acheieve it in life

- Parents should not live vicariously through their kids.

Prof. B killed it!!

Bro., you've judged the thread - bustaid!!!

Flytefalls:
It's UK. Perhaps there is no developmental/learning problem here. Relatively, she may just be on the bottom end of her academic class? It does make me wonder though

It's possible. But in such a case, extra time, extra tutoring and extra effort spent studying the material should help. It won't make the child an expert, but it should help them get by. If all mom's extra effort in teaching the child is not leading to improvement, then it may be time to consider something else.

I remember my dad flogging my nyash with belt cos I came 3rd in class at primary school.

I later found out that when my dad was at school he was always top of the class. The 1 term he came second, he waylaid the 'ursurper' in the bush and panelbeat the poor guy.

My son must be clever or else....Jaguda runs in the family, blud!

ShyM-X:


And how has that helped the tons of academically-disadvantaged(ungifted) people in the UK attain the maximal capacity?

What do you understand the phrase 'maximal capacity' in the context I used it to mean?

Never give up on your child, by force by fire they will be intelligent
Push for it, don't accept ' dyslexia'/ olodo or whatever
Pray for them, prophesy into their life
I still remember what Ben Carson's mother did for him........read Gifted Hands again

Humanoids dwell on stupidity... If your child isn't academically intelligent/gifted - try help the kid discover his/her unique talents from a young age, and focus on that... We are/were all created to function differently on this planet!!

Cant read it all! But to make a say... Let remember change is constant, anybody can change anytime, anyhow. Myself was not brilliant too, but facin humiliation from friends and teachers even disgrace attimes made me grow up... So i wont be suprise if ma child is not brilliant as i am... Smh *wat bout d mother*

Bro, abeg, summarize am

ileobatojo:

It's possible. But in such a case, extra time, extra tutoring and extra effort spent studying the material should help. It won't make the child an expert, but it should help them get by. If all mom's extra effort in teaching the child is not leading to improvement, then it may be time to consider something else.

I'm curious to know pls , what?

I still think every child has an outstanding quality about him/her. It may not be academic, but it will surely be there.

I worry for my son because he's not as bright as I was at his age. I pray more now, love him and encourage him. He's gradually picking up. When I remember his father side, I'm consoled.

ileobatojo:

What do you understand the phrase 'maximal capacity' in the context I used it to mean?

You were alluding the best the girl can do academically...

Anyway, what "maximal capacity" are you looking for when the kid has already shown that she isn't academically gifted? It's just pointless and a waste of time, tbh - it's either you have it, or you don't... However, if she had been diagnosed/showing-symptoms of dyslexia - that's another thing entirely...

ShyM-X:
Humanoids dwell on stupidity... If your child isn't academically intelligent/gifted - try help the kid discover his/her unique talents from a young age, and focus on that... We are/were all created to function differently on this planet!!

Indeed, we are! I think with this lady's tale, her fault is that she holds intelligence as a major factor to overall success in life. Even by the end she cannot reason with herself that her daughter will be anything other than not clever. It's sad really

ShyM-X:


Prof. B killed it!!

Bro., you've judged the thread - bustaid!!!

i am humble sir

Flytefalls:
This is what I thought when reading the womans tale. I agree 100^1000000%!!!!!! (My own mother probably would scold me for not obeying the rules of true percentages but mummy I choose to express myself in this way )

LOL... its not easy
parents always want to push but know they shd let the brood find their own feet
That balance is not very easy

jackbauerspower: I remember my dad flogging my nyash with belt cos I came 3rd in class at primary school.

I later found out that when my dad was at school he was always top of the class. The 1 term he came second, he waylaid the 'ursurper' in the bush and panelbeat the poor guy.

My son must be clever or else....Jaguda runs in the family, blud!

LOL at jaguda ..

ol boy our dad was some old school pa.. imma whoop your azz
but that was the older gen - buuku or nada mehn...
there are newer techniques of imparting knowlege

Some kids may not just be cut out academically

jidegirl12:

I'm curious to know pls , what?

Well, at least 3 of those things have been mentioned on this thread. Hearing problems, vision problems can lead to school failure. That has been ruled out by the mother already. Dyslexia, a type of learning disability has also been mentioned; there are several other learning disabilities too apart from that. ADHD is a possibility (possibly inattentive type in this case since there was no mention of hyperactivity). It may just be that the child has low intelligence. That can also be uncovered by a psychologist. There are many other possible medical problems too, thyroid problems, sleep apnea, anemia, lead poisoning e.t.c.

The hardest ones to overcome with would be low intelligence (IQ), learning disabilities would also be difficult to overcome. You would need to just find a way around in those cases.

ShyM-X:


You were alluding the best the girl can do academically...

Anyway, what "maximal capacity" are you looking for when the kid has already shown that she isn't academically gifted? It's just pointless and a waste of time, tbh - it's either you have it, or you don't... However, if she had been diagnosed/showing-symptoms of dyslexia - that's another thing entirely...

Maximal capacity for the particular child's abilities and/or disabilities. Not how to get the child to be first in class.