John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived & was ushered through. D cardinal was a bit upset about this & demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, dey had been waiting outside for quite some time & were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment? St. Peter smiled & told him: "While she was alive, dat young lady drove a little yellow sports car, regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, & generally scared the devil out of more people than all of u combined.

There was a man who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him. But the man said: "It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?" Don't give up loving, Don't give up your goodness, Even if the people around you, HURT and STING , love them [have a blessed day

Professor at Management Institute was explaining
marketing concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's very rich; Marry him."
- That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say "Hi, I'm very rich; Marry me."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
say, "By the way, I'm very rich; Will you marry me?"
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says, "You are very rich , "
- That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I'm rich; Marry me" She gives you a nice
hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich; Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband
- That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and before you say, "I am very rich; Marry me!" she
turns her face towards you she is your wife!
- That's competition eating into your market share!!!

The Donkey and the Farmer

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf

Nice one!

U enjoyed it, me 2

A miracle could be defined as a dumb man telling a deaf man that a blind man saw a crippled man run across the street 2 help a barren woman carry her baby.

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

yes'oooo as coconut take get water, no body sabi, as ant take dey chop, no body sabi, i say as god go take bless you this year, all your enemy no go sabi. if you beleive send am to me and every body wen dey your list and say amen 3 times

a guy didn't want his girlfriend to know how small his dick was so he switched off the light and put his dick in her hands then the girlfriend said, ''sorry, i don't smoke''

Live everyday like tomorrow may never come. Actually, you can't force it down if it wont!

Live everyday like tomorrow may never come. Actually, you can't force it down if it wont!

Live everyday like tomorrow may never come. Actually, you can't force it down if it wont!

A man reporting at his office in the early hours of the day had his two ears bandaged. The manager on seeing him asked, 'Mr Paul, why are your ears bandaged?' The man replied, 'I was ironing my clothes last night when my phone rang and I mistakenly picked the iron instead of my phone'. The manager again said, 'but that only explains for one ear' and the man said, 'Ye, Yesh Sir, but the truth is that they called again.

THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO TRUE, If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% Yes,and B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l 2-5-1-21-20-9-6-21-12=97% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% AND, look how far the love of God will take you L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101% Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top! Have a nice day

Education is overated!
I learnt more in two months of work than in 4 years of School. . .
-Farah

>THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
>
>Well, it's >SHIT ,  that's right, shi t!
>Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
>
>Consider:
>You can get shi t-faced, be shi t-out-of-luck or have shi t for brains.
>With a little effort, you can get your shi t together, find a place for your
>rubbish or be asked to shi t or get off the pot.
>
>You can smoke rubbish, buy shi t, sell shi t, lose shi t, find shi t, forget shi t
>and tell others to eat shi t.
>
>Some people know their shi t, while others can't tell the difference between
>shi t and shineola.
>There are lucky shi ts, dumb shi ts and crazy shi ts. There is bull shi t, horse
>shi t and chicken shi t.
>You can throw shi t, sling shi t, catch shi t, shoot the shi t or duck when the
>shi t hits the fan.
>
>You can give a shi t or serve shi t on a shingle.
>You can find yourself in deep shi t or be happier than a pig in shi t.
>
>Some days are colder than shi t, some days are hotter than shi t and some days
>are just plain shi tty.
>Some music sounds like shi t, things can look like shi t and there are times
>when you feel like shi t.
>
>You can have too much shi t, not enough shi t, the right shi t, the wrong shi t
>or a lot of weird shi t.
>
>You can carry shi t, have a mountain of shi t or find yourself up shi t creek
>without a paddle.
>Sometimes everything you touch turns to shi t and other times you fall in
>a bucket of shi t and come out smelling like a rose.
>
>When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
>the English language.
>And remember, once you know your shi t, you don't need to know anything else!!
>You could pass this along, if you give a shi t; or not do so if you don't
>give a shi t!
>Well, Shi t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give
>a shi t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shi t. But, if you
>happened to catch a load of shi t from some shi t-head,
>Well, Shi t Happens!!!

christino, where do u get all these crazy jokes frm? they are lovely, got me laughing like mad here.

Man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Man offlines are everywhere, subscribe to me and i'll offload the latest to you, unknowingly sha

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.

Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,

"That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out ", and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

Joan Rivers - On Madonna: "She's so hairy. When she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."

Life means missing expected things and facing unexpected things. When you are right, no one remembers, but when you are wrong, no one forgets… This is life keep the lamp of friendship burning with oil of love bcoz sun rises in east and sets in west but friendship rises in heart and sets after death. do remember this every day because this life is bolo don't take it too heard

HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH; GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE CARRIES HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE IS SO SURPRISED AND ASKS "DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"? THE HUSBAND SAID " NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS.

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

An 80 year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long." The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?" The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish." The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?" The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A man reporting at his office in the early hours of the day had his two ears bandaged. The manager on seeing him asked, 'Mr Paul, why are your ears bandaged?' The man replied, 'I was ironing my clothes last night when my phone rang and I mistakenly picked the iron instead of my phone'. The manager again said, 'but that only explains for one ear' and the man said, 'Ye, Yesh Sir, but the truth is that they called again.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
the Hershey Man will know!

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ,
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)








2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)










3. Add 5












4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator













5. If you have already had your birthday this year

add 1756 ,

If you haven't, add 1755.














6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.










You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was the number of times you really want to eat
Chocolate
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).










The next two numbers are









YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS.