hmm, for once, olanajim has been silenced into muteness!

Tanna:

No, Tanna is not Mormon. Tanna's mind is just freed from the religiousness of man and societal dictated morality.

My illness was not MENTAL nor was it LIFE Threatening. IT WAS DEBILITATING, and CRIPPLING, and PAINFUL. And thanks to God, I happen to be healed from it now.

I have not been in love with a married man, nor have I dated one - what was your point?

And just like you can't see why I condone polygamy - I don't see why you would have sex with someone you aren't married to. Why are women so "independent" that sleeping around is the first and foremost task on her independent agenda? You need to get your mind right and understand WHY GOD MADE YOU and what your role is as a WOMAN.

My wishful thinking about the second wife, was because I wanted my husband to have the support he needed as a man, and king of our household. I wasn't able to do that for him. I really felt like he was being punished in the midst of my sickness, and I wanted him to have comfort, and the basics like a hot meal, someone to talk to who was NOT complaining daily of her ills, someone to hang out with, to rub his back after a long week's work, to kiss him and tell him I would be okay, and provide some sexual satisfaction. I wanted someone to step in and be me- since I could not be me. He's a good good man, and I just hated that he went without so much for such a long time.

Then, my kids basically lost their mother- yet I wasn't dead - I was just helpless and useless.

its really really really absurd that you hold women to such high accountable standards and yet your standards for men leaves a lot to be desired. you keep referring to God and religion and morals. Dearie, im curious, erm what god do you serve? 
your views are quite bizzare.
when your husband is deathly ill (hope that doesnt happen! ) will he let you marry another man to rub your back, give you multiples, look after the children, pay those damn bills and be a protector of your household? will he?
i don't think so honey. my point is this. moral standards are moral standards. there should be no discrinmination when it comes to acceptable behaviour. like i said before,  women are not born monogamous. we have learnt to excercise self control because of all what we have to lose. society isnt very kind to women. your mother drums into your head the consequences of waywardness. with tales of what became of the women before you who tried it. (didnt some of them run mad? )

any man can cage that roving eye if he wants to. but with women like you, why would they? why would they  you condone it. you don't expect any better treatment. poor you.
and the way you portray men one would think that men never stand by their sick wives. there are thousands of men out there who have very sick wives and who hold down the forte looking after the children, paying the buills and waiting for madam to recover. the last thing on their minds is to bring in another woman to give them sex.sex and more sex.  as if that is what the world revolves around. the cons of polygamy outweigh the pros thats what makes it a not worthwhile venture. 

enough said, you are just fantasizing about the second wife who will come in and make everything alright. honey if only you knew!!!!!!!

we know polygamy is very much in existence, and nl's disapproval won't prevent its continuity. women are more prone to be on the short end of it, but the women who engage in polygamy are not simply "idiots" as thiefofhearts suggested. some of our foreparents practiced polygamy, famous icons like fela were polygamists, etc. it's equally disrespectful and idiotic to call polygamists idiots until you comprehend the situation they're in, even then it's still not okay to label them idiots because you disagree with their chosen lifestyle. people aren't calling you an idiot for living your life the way you choose. awofia.

ignorance is a disease. _{i take my leave}

seun:

So, I think the real question is why any woman will agree to enter into such a relationship.  Why play second fiddle?

thiefofhearts:

beacause they're idiots

@ thiefofheart, during our ancestors time women married another woman for their husbands just to have happiness at home, not being stupid.

lovemajek:

@ thiefofheart, during our ancestors time women married another woman for their husbands just to have happiness at home, not being stupid.

you think picking the woman yourself changes anything? will it guarantee you a more peaceful polygamous home? quit playing! because your husband tricks you and sweet talks you with a false sense of power to pick the woman he'll sleep wih you think that makes it ok? that sounds like stupidity to me. why not let your husband pick another husband for you? afterall he'll pick a good man. it sounds even more ridiculous with each additional post and each new angle added. you guys should quit playing.

spoilt leave them to continue to justify the unjustifiable, some people made a vow on their wedding day 'cleaving/clinging (dunno which ) to you alone, till death do us part' start arranging another woman to warm their husband's bed out of 'love' Even if you were sick, were the vows not in sickness and in health - forsaking ALL others?

what is this famed happiness in the home that they 'married another woman for their husbands' for? so the man can shag another woman and not have to hide it? puleeze

@ k0be, from your viewpoint now, I would also like to rephrase: (although offtopic)

we know lying about virginity is much in existence, whether we dislike it or not on nl will not change that, women are prone to do this more than men, and the women who lie are not 'idiots' or 'objectifying themselves to suit a man's ego' like k0be said. Famous women such as Mama Sikira lied about their virginity, etc, it is equally disrespectful to call women who lie about virginity idiots, you are not a woman and have not been in their position where society judges them so harshly if unmarried, no one is calling you stupid because you think the way you do. awofia

do you get the msg now

lol, debosky you're not serious. i get the message sir. that was, I admit, foolish on my part to let my judgement cloud my reasoning.

Glad to know you've realised that, for a minute there i was expecting another nuclear strike

this polygamy thing is even getting out of fashion among muslims sef, my friend from Saudi Arabia was telling me about when he got married, his older colleagues were telling him 'welcome to the land of trouble, good luck handling life with one wife, if you want to die young, marry a second one'

Who says Olanajim had been silienced? I was just on break.

I still hold tenaciously to my conviction that polygamy is a blessing to womenfolks. Like it or hate it, the practice will remain till end of time. Any attempt at outdating it would create imbalance in family system. Worse than what you are presenlty experiencing in western countries.

Someone even said it is due to cultural variation that the polygamous nations are experiencing family stability. How would she reconcile the fact that western nations began gradual slide to family instability when the natural order were interupted? How would you people explain the increasing rate of divorce cases in monogamous nations, most of which were tied to infidelity? It is no more news that when a man want to marry another wife in those morally corupted nations that you are examplifying, he would upset the system and file for divorce at slighted opportunity. Meanwhile, he would have started enjoying the second wife even before wedding! You girls are just being natural, Ladies hate rivals. They are insecure and generally jealous. Exception abounds and I have seen ladies fit perfectly. But so far, I had been disappointed by the venominous attacks on men on this forum whereas ladies are the real culprits. It is no surprise anyway.

Let me reiterate my point, under some circumstances, polygamy is justified. In fact, IF I FOUND MYSELF IN THAT CIRCUMSTANCE, I WOULD HUMBLE THE OPPOSITIONS.

As for those who think polygamists are stupid, male or female, I would give you the benefit of doubt. But could stupidity now be defined upon the concept that WHEN A MAN OPPOSES YOUR VIEW, AND DERIVES FAVOUR IN WHAT YOU DISLIKE, THEN HE AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFIED AS "IDIOT", "STUPID"? By that concept, the polygamists would equally consider you as "STUPID".

Undoubtedly, polygamy sustains the world. Rather than crucify the practitioners, we must seek to EMULATE them. If you no get the power, just shut up!!

Who says Olanajim had been silienced? I was just on break.

I still hold tenaciously to my conviction that polygamy is a blessing to womenfolks. Like it or hate it, the practice will remain till end of time. Any attempt at outdating it would create imbalance in family system. Worse than what you are presenlty experiencing in western countries.

Someone even said it is due to cultural variation that the polygamous nations are experiencing family stability. How would she reconcile the fact that western nations began gradual slide to family instability when the natural order were interupted? How would you people explain the increasing rate of divorce cases in monogamous nations, most of which were tied to infidelity? It is no more news that when a man want to marry another wife in those morally corupted nations that you are examplifying, he would upset the system and file for divorce at slighted opportunity. Meanwhile, he would have started enjoying the second wife even before wedding! You girls are just being natural, Ladies hate rivals. They are insecure and generally jealous. Exception abounds and I have seen ladies fit perfectly. But so far, I had been disappointed by the venominous attacks on men on this forum whereas ladies are the real culprits. It is no surprise anyway.

Let me reiterate my point, under some circumstances, polygamy is justified. In fact, IF I FOUND MYSELF IN THAT CIRCUMSTANCE, I WOULD HUMBLE THE OPPOSITIONS.

As for those who think polygamists are stupid, male or female, I would give you the benefit of doubt. But could stupidity now be defined upon the concept that WHEN A MAN OPPOSES YOUR VIEW, AND DERIVES FAVOUR IN WHAT YOU DISLIKE, THEN HE AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFIED AS "IDIOT", "STUPID"? By that concept, the polygamists would equally consider you as "STUPID".

Undoubtedly, polygamy sustains the world. Rather than crucify the practitioners, we must seek to EMULATE them. If you no get the power, just shut up!!

why the need for the double post? Nothing you said will change most of our mind's so posting it again isnt helping your stance.

debo jare. Thank you. kobe is just running his mouth. Again I think the other women that decide to come in and ruin a woman's marriage is a malicious idiot. The End.

money talks

olanajim:



Undoubtedly, polygamy sustains the world. Rather than crucify the practitioners, we must seek to EMULATE them. If you no get the power, just shut up!!

sustains which world? your own obviously! what are you talking about?wait a minute, shut up? no you shut up! . we've had enough of your desperate justifications. why three or four women under the same roof will want to take turns sharing one wart encrusted ding-a-ling is what beats me hollow! im tired of this bizzarre thread. im out!

@TOH:

Please stop embarassing us anti-polygamists and cool down on the name calling, eh? Or at least be tactful and indirect about it like @babyosisi . the pro-polygamists have been more civilised in putting their points across.

My opinion:

Polygamy is wrong. But it has nothing to do with sex or whether a man or woman should have self control or whatever. It rather has everything to do with the children. Both my parents are from polygamous homes and I know what that entails. My nuclear family is monogamous and the difference is huge.

I have never seen a polygamous family where the kids are happy.

The *older* woman is not neccesarily unhappy (rail all you like spoilt, many 'madams' love the idea of having an 'iyawo' to treat like a housegirl along with her supposedly lower-ranked children). The younger woman went in with eyes open, so if she isnt happy, tough cookies. The man is obviously over the moon, regardless of whatever nonsense he says about 'wahala' (all na grammar. Most polygamous men have their wives in seperate houses and just abandon the one that talks too much.)

At the end of the day, claiming that a man shouldnt be polygamous because he should 'have self control' and 'be fair' is like telling the rich to give their money to the poor. So you got shafted by your genes and ended up female, tough. By nature polygamists don't have sympathy for you, so their answer is just 'suck it down'.

Claiming that the man will die of wahala is just laughter-inspiring. The family will go to hell but the dude will just smile to a happy grave with a satisfied libido and a full stomach

Claiming that one wife will poison the man is blatantly stupid. The fight is *FOR* the man afterall. why admit defeat by breaking the toy thats in contention? she'd rather poison her adversary instead. At which point the man will just drive her out and go marry a tight-a$$ed 20-year old from OSU.

The ONLY WAY you can prove that polygamy is wrong is to mention those who REALLY suffer- the children. The kids are the #1 priority of a marriage, and if you agree with me, you'll never condone polygamy. Of course if you don't care about kids, theres nothing stopping u from going wild and building a harem.

dakmanzero:

@spoilt and TOH:

Please stop embarassing us anti-polygamists and cool down on the name calling, eh? Or at least be tactful and indirect about it like @babyosisi . the pro-polygamists have been more civilised in putting their points across.

please read all my posts again brother. wheres the name calling?  be tactful and indirect about being against polygamy? how is that even possible? maybe you don't know the meaning of those 2 words.  . don't use them again out of context.

The *older* woman is not neccesarily unhappy (rail all you like spoilt, many 'madams' love the idea of having an 'iyawo' to treat like a housegirl along with her supposedly lower-ranked children). The younger woman went in with eyes open, so if she isnt happy, tough cookies. The man is obviously over the moon, regardless of whatever nonsense he says about 'wahala' (all na grammar. Most polygamous men have their wives in seperate houses and just abandon the one that talks too much.)

i can't believe people still generalize. and where did you come by your conclusions? a personal survey of yours?
make up your mind if you are for polygamy or against it. and quit blowing hot and cold.

Apologies. You were openly aggressive and sharp-tongued but somehow managed *not* to use any foul language! Impressive. So TOH is the sole offender it seems. I'll remove your name from the post.

Nonetheless, consider softening your stance and delivering your posts in a more relaxed, thoughtful manner. Attacks may be fun but hey dont help your cause. I only attack people on NL when I dont give a crap about the topic and just want to get someone wound up for nothing.

I don't do foul language. least i try not to.  Dont want my baby picking up any colorful language.  .  Any opinion i express on nairaland is not an attack against any  person or groups of persons and should not be taken personally. It is simply a point of view which will always be delivered without ambiguity as to my stance. If it is misinterpreted as agression or an attack ,then  my regrets for hurting sensitive emotions. 

[s]and sharp tongued? yeah! ive been told i tend to sound caustic sometimes. [/s]

@spoilt:

the 'extended version' of your first response to mine wreaks havok with the continuity of this thread! Please move the admonitions about my generalization to the second response. It appears I was apologizing for my stance on polygamy which isn't the case. I apologized for lumping u with TOH vis a vis calling people idiots.

My stance on polygamy is clear: I am AGAINST it.

I am also against people coming up with weak arguments FOR my anti-polygamy stance that WEAKEN my position. claiming that the man will not know peace is just WRONG. It is NOT TRUE.It is the kind of argument the opponents can shoot to pieces easily.The people that suffer are the wife and children.

Remember, if you tell your son that he will turn to a yam when he steals, the day he steals and doesnt transform, you are in trouble. Let a spade be a spade. A man is NOT suffering when he has multiple women to choose from, LEGALLY. Trying to scare people away by misrepresenting the facts worsens the problem. Let it be clear from the get-go: *IT IS FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN*

A man who hates his first wife already doesnt care about her happiness, so he wont give a crap if his polygamy is 'unfair' to her.

As for the personal survey: i explained my sources. Primary source is my own extended family, the only family whose dirty secrets I can claim to be privy to. Small it may be, but large enough to provide a substantial number of counterexamples to the 'only a mad woman will accept another woman into her house' theory.  Old-school yoruba values are different from what we learnt while growing up.


PS *once again: kindly fix the continuity of your responses. Thanks!*

get over yourself darkman. I will respond to topics in whatever way I feel like. Have  aproblem with it, ignore my posts

So simple. I don't know why people can't just do that instead of whining about how posts are written.

As long as you are not a woman that decides to break into another person's home, you're not an idiot in this instance so spare me the sermon of internet decorum

E se.

The *older* woman is not neccesarily unhappy

Did you come up with this after doing a poll for all polygamous homes?

dakmanzero:

The people that suffer are the wife and children.

A man is NOT suffering when he has multiple women to choose from, LEGALLY. Trying to scare people away by misrepresenting the facts worsens the problem. Let it be clear from the get-go: *IT IS FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN*

lets get something straight. there's more to polygamy than the limitless sex with multiple women that outsiders see. seriously only an honest man will go outside and confess to friends and family  (who probably warned him not to walk that road) that the polygamy thing is really not working. you only get those vibes when they let down their tough-man guard or maybe when drunk. . instead he brags that he rules his household with an iron fist and that his women wont dare stir trouble when he's around.  the man suffers. trust me does he suffer! but just as men are not allowed to show emotions, they keep the pains of their 'barracks' hidden well. very well. 

Just when a woman thinks her husband loves her most, he announces the coming of a new "wife". You can't beat that pain. God forbid! Whatever happened to wisdom?

I don't know why men go for other wives but I really don't get why a woman born by a fellow woman would agree to such a proposal.

tnaidaR:

Just when a woman thinks her husband loves her most, he announces the coming of a new "wife". You can't beat that pain. God forbid! Whatever happened to wisdom?

Exactly so this "first wives really dont have a problem with it" garbage is just what it is "garbage"

Maybe some women relish being in command of another woman but most hate the thought of sharing

Nigeria needs to modernize

ThiefOfHearts:

Maybe some women relish being in command of another woman

You can't beat that stupidity! Rubbish!

Berra cool it dear radiant before the "good manners" police of Nairaland attack you for calling them "stupid" eg being "tactless and uncivilized"

*rolls eyes*

Huh? Are you kidding me? That's my own point of view and every "good mannered being" should respect that. Jokers all around!

Tiffy, I really wonder sometimes.

@toh

I know you aren't referring to me when you call others idiots. I'm just highlighting the fact that it makes it sound as though you are responding based on pure emotion, and not thinking through the facts (note: i said *it makes it seem*). There's a time to be forceful and a time to appear reasonable. Since the opposition chooses to act civil, we owe them the courtesy of reciprocating or we sound like a mindless rabble. I'm not attempting to limit your freedom to unleash your vocal missiles on your hated enemies. Afterall its the anonymous net. Check my posting history- you'll see I have unleashed more than my fair share of deadly insults on nairaland! To tell you to stow your sharp tongue for its own sake would be hypocrisy on my part. I merely recommend that you cool it for this particular discussion, since ola, tanna etc have chosen the road of civil discourse. When they start with the insults, I will shut up and let you do your stuff.


@spoilt

I said not *neccesarily* unhappy. Interestingly, the polygamous marriages I actually had the devious privilege of witnesing in my extended family were treated like death sentences by the Iyale and her people- it always felt like divorce, but African style. That goes without saying. However as time goes by, things change and the Iyawo starts to suffer terribly at the hands of practically everyone, her slavemistress most of all. And I hope you are aware of the tendency of polygamous men to choose one wife as the trophy and the other as the manager? guess who usually ends up the manager? guess who's kids end up wielding the most power in the household? It goes without saying also that the two polygamous marriages I witnessed from inception till date took place in wealthy households.

Other polygamous situations in my experience were in existence before I landed on this mortal coil, and the husbands usually not alive. The Iyale rules with an iron fist and is usually anything but unhappy.

I offer no explanations for these beyond the rudimentary, because I can only report on what I observe, and not my theory on how things *should* be. Sure the iyale is supposed to become a destroyed, wrecked, nervous skeleton of a woman. However in my experience she becomes a large domineering primadonna. Sure the husband should become a hypertensive wreck. However he just comes across as an 'untouchable God' held in awe by everyone in the household, including both wives who franticaly tidy the house and admonish their children on their behaviour when they hear that daddy is on his way to 'this' house.

The other thing I have noticed is, that the children are NEVER happy about the situation. I havent seen an exception. I dont know why, and I dont care to know. Its just how it is. And it makes perfect sense.

As a result, choose Monogamy not for the sake of your mental health or wellbeing, or the love of your wife. Choose it for the children. Its that simple. (ps I'm not advocating taking a second wife if the first wife cant/wont have children. The kids of the iyawo will suffer just the same. It becomes worse if the Iyale later gives birth)


Postscript: for non yoruba speakers, iyale = first wife, iyawo = second/subsequent wives. In a monogamous home, the only wife is called iyawo, for whatever reason.

my "uncivilized" responses are in response to the whole situation in general not to the comments made by the "pro-bigamists"

except for maybe Tanna but that's mainly cos I find her utterly depressing.

dakmanzero, don't bother explaining to toh if she sees no ill in her responses.

@spoilt

I said not *neccesarily* unhappy.

. The Iyale rules with an iron fist and is usually anything but unhappy.

I offer no explanations for these beyond the rudimentary, because I can only report on what I observe, and not my theory on how things *should* be. Sure the iyale is supposed to become a destroyed, wrecked, nervous skeleton of a woman. However in my experience she becomes a large domineering primadonna.

@dakmanzero
well i know that an assistant manager reports and defers to the manager. Always .so what did the second wife expect?
lets be real. The first wife has paid her dues, done her share of slaving for husband and children. when the new wife comes in, it can't be one continuous honeymoon for her. she does the dishes used by the whole army, does the cooking and cleaning. she does have to earn her stripes you know! she'll only get some respite when another wife comes in. and on and on it goes with a new wife added to the harem. its complicated. Its not for me to ponder on the mechanics of their reporting ladder or hierarchy. thats what they chose. oh well! what a life! goodluck to them .  

So now you see how it is.

The first wife is so bitter she takes it out on the second, then gets used to it and eventually it becomes like 'I can handle this!'. When the man now goes for a third wife imagine what the second wife will put *that* one through.

Not to mention the Yoruba culture which will see the iyawo kneeling down to greet the iyale every morning (in front of the iyale's kids) and not being able to give her anything with the left hand, etc etc.

Now imagine an Iyawo from a wealthy family. The Iyale immediately gains status and privilege, plus the dubious pleasure of slapping someone around who, weeks earlier, would have scoffed down her nose at her.

I'm niot saying women should be grateful for polygamy or whatever. No woman would exchange her husband (or ability to have a husband) for a personal lifetime slave/army of slaves. But just as the kingpin of the prison yard gets used to his status as jailhouse don, the iyale eventually lets the power go to her head. And since the husband will probably die before anyone else in the household, eventually she becomes the custodian of his entire empire and shares it amongst her children.

This is not ideal, but all a far cry from 'suffering'. If the Iyale, like Tanna, was already expecting a second wife anyway, she would in fact be overjoyed.

My point is this: the people GUARANTEED to suffer are the children. Even the Iyale's children. Because they will be robbed of a father and given a demigod, and forced to play office politics in their own home. When the man dies, all out war will break out and they will ALL be casualties, even thiose that get the lions share of the spoils. We all take for granted our ability to trust our siblings with our lives. In a polygamous home its an endless game of cat/mouse, with backstabbing and intrigue. That is a terrible fate and one that no right thinking person would want for their kids. But by the time it happens, its too late.

@toh:

Understandable that Tanna makes you depressed. In fact to an extent I wonder if she's real and not some guy masquerading, but she sounds genuine enough. My point is that she has been so tolerant and laid back that it seems a shame not to at least hear her out. Evn if you are sure you will never understand her. I know personally how an illness can change a person's perspective, and I also know I can never fully understand her position, since she's a woman (supposedly) and I am not. So I won't just jump to a conclusion and call her an idiot.

I'd hear her out. And if she still sounds like a raving maniac, I'll conclude that she is an idiot, but keep the view to myself. Courtesy should count for something, ne?