i am a canadian who married a nigerian 7.5 yrs ago. he didnt have papers. he wanted to get married immediatly. we soon had a son, and lots of financial problems. he sent me home to live with my parents for a year. then i went back, and soon my saved money was gone and he had trouble finding work. i got pregnant, he threatened abortion or else i should return to my parents to work. i returned, worked enough for mat. leave money and then he wanted to name the baby when i had it. he was not around for either of the boys birth. i used his name for a second name. i have been at my parents now 4 yrs. and he has sent only 400 dollars for the boys in that time. i am now filing for custody and child support but not divorce. should i believe that our marriage can be saved or should i proceed with this and divorce? i am a praying woman and i need answers. my boys are my life and i dont want to go back to something that could harm them. i believe we loved each other but its been a tough go. abeg please help!

Hope for what?
Depends on what caused the separation in the first place.

In this case: NO HOPE.
You can't have it all in life. The boys are your life.
You need to start acting like it.
FORGET THE SPAM-DONOR!


You don't want a divorce, but you want custody and child support?
In WHAT planet?

If u pray pls pray and ask God to direct u.

nowwhat: i am a canadian who married a nigerian 7.5 yrs ago. he didnt have papers. he wanted to get married immediatly. we soon had a son, and lots of financial problems. he sent me home to live with my parents for a year. then i went back, and soon my saved money was gone and he had trouble finding work. i got pregnant, he threatened abortion or else i should return to my parents to work. i returned, worked enough for mat. leave money and then he wanted to name the baby when i had it. he was not around for either of the boys birth. i used his name for a second name. i have been at my parents now 4 yrs. and he has sent only 400 dollars for the boys in that time. i am now filing for custody and child support but not divorce. should i believe that our marriage can be saved or should i proceed with this and divorce? i am a praying woman and i need answers. my boys are my life and i dont want to go back to something that could harm them. i believe we loved each other but its been a tough go. abeg please help!

You've mentioned quite a lot here, @OP. So, let's see:

~ First of all, I think you need to ask yourself (sincerely) what it is that you really want. Do you want to get back with your husband and settle your differences? If yes, then you shouldn't be thinking of applying for custody of the kids. It gives the impression that you want to end it all and go your separate ways. I understand that you're confused and probably dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions at the moment, and looking after two very young boys is taxing, but you need to ascertain what your expectations of this relationship/marriage are.

~ Secondly, assuming you want to work on it and turn things around for the better, you'll also have to address the financial issue bugging you both. Finance is one of the major reasons or causes of strife between couples, so you both need to sit down and work out a plan that suits the family best. You did mention that you've had to live with your parents while working while pregnant. Why couldn't you do this with your husband? Why did he insist that you either have a termination or go back to your parents? I'm trying to figure out what difference it would have made, your staying with him versus living with your parents, seeing as you were working.

I mean, your rent for example won't be dependant on the number of people living under the roof would it? Especially as you're man and wife anyway. It would be a fixed amount. Or was the issue with regards to utility bills such as light, heating, water, gas, etc? That too shouldn't have made that much of a difference as you'd be out working anyway. Unless of course you both work different shifts or you work online from home...but even then, the difference should have been negligible.

~ Your last statement is a bit worrisome. What did you mean by saying even though your boys are your life, you don't want to go back to something that could potentially harm them? Are you saying that their father, your husband is violent or has violent tendencies? Because if he does, then that changes everything! Your children and your safety must come first. If he really is violent then you'll have to keep your distance and let him solve his issues by undergoing Anger Management treatment / classes.

~ Four years is a long time to be living apart from your spouse. The longer you leave it, the more difficult achieving a reconciliation would be. Why did you have to live apart for so long? I think what really does need to happen is that you both sit down and discuss these issues. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more with him. You both come from different backgrounds and cultures, so your issues won't be resolved in one day but you've got to keep at it. Does your husband want a reconciliation? Does he want you all to live together under one roof as a family? You need to find out if he too is willing to commit to this relationship and to make it work. If he does, then you're halfway there.

Like I mentioned earlier, if he isn't violent, then you really should try and get back to living together as a family. You're meant to be a team working together. United. You're meant to be each other's supporting backbone. You don't stay together only when there's money. It's got to be for both the good and bad times.

See, if you're able to sail through the rough times together, you'll both come out at the other end stronger, wiser and much more solid as a couple. I really do hope it works out well for you. You do sound like a nice lady.

Wishing you all the best!

nowwhat: i am a canadian who married a nigerian 7.5 yrs ago. he didnt have papers. he wanted to get married immediatly. we soon had a son, and lots of financial problems. he sent me home to live with my parents for a year. then i went back, and soon my saved money was gone and he had trouble finding work. i got pregnant, he threatened abortion or else i should return to my parents to work. i returned, worked enough for mat. leave money and then he wanted to name the baby when i had it. he was not around for either of the boys birth. i used his name for a second name. i have been at my parents now 4 yrs. and he has sent only 400 dollars for the boys in that time. i am now filing for custody and child support but not divorce. should i believe that our marriage can be saved or should i proceed with this and divorce? i am a praying woman and i need answers. my boys are my life and i dont want to go back to something that could harm them. i believe we loved each other but its been a tough go. abeg please help!

you should fast n pray for your husband to cop a financial breakthrough. money seems to be the problem in this marriage.

there's a big hope for you provided his situation has changed from an unemployed adult to a man in full employment. set up a meeting in a neutral place and have a heart to heart talk with him.

good luck!

efemena-- thanks.... i'll go into a little more detail. i was very sick with my pregnancy and could barely hold down a part time babysitting job. not nearly enough to support my family. because of this i could not have a steady job and returning to a job i had previously in my parents area was the only work i could do. it was an easy and flexible caregiving job. but shouldnt a husband make sure to provide when his wife is very sick and pregant with his child??
the question that plagues me is did he marry me for love? i paid for the quick marriage ceremony with a commissioner, i never got a ring from him, and he never took me on a honeymoon. he never has beaten me, only with his words, til i am so insecure with myself. after we were married and before his citizenship interview he came out with some violence in his past which he thought i should know about in case they questioned me. the reason it might be bad for the boys if i return is that how do i know if he'll not continue being out all night drinking with friends, using my money and being an irresponsible father?? he would never beat me or the boys, and i only want whats best for us. should i just start a fresh page of life, and move on with someone else? he lives 10 hrs away, and any kind of relationship with him will be extremely hard to rebuild after 5.5 yrs altogether of us being apart. (we've been married 7.5 yrs) will i always feel guilty if if i do divorce him? will i always think of him if i marry someone else? how do i know when to move on or when to try to rebuild what was already a difficult relationship?

nowwhat: efemena-- thanks.... i'll go into a little more detail. i was very sick with my pregnancy and could barely hold down a part time babysitting job. not nearly enough to support my family. because of this i could not have a steady job and returning to a job i had previously in my parents area was the only work i could do. it was an easy and flexible caregiving job. but shouldnt a husband make sure to provide when his wife is very sick and pregant with his child??
the question that plagues me is did he marry me for love? i paid for the quick marriage ceremony with a commissioner, i never got a ring from him, and he never took me on a honeymoon. he never has beaten me, only with his words, til i am so insecure with myself. after we were married and before his citizenship interview he came out with some violence in his past which he thought i should know about in case they questioned me. the reason it might be bad for the boys if i return is that how do i know if he'll not continue being out all night drinking with friends, using my money and being an irresponsible father?? he would never beat me or the boys, and i only want whats best for us. should i just start a fresh page of life, and move on with someone else? he lives 10 hrs away, and any kind of relationship with him will be extremely hard to rebuild after 5.5 yrs altogether of us being apart. (we've been married 7.5 yrs) will i always feel guilty if if i do divorce him? will i always think of him if i marry someone else? how do i know when to move on or when to try to rebuild what was already a difficult relationship?

Re the bolded bit: I think, in your heart of hearts, you know the answers to those questions...but let's take it slowly first.

You've been married for seven and a half years, of which you've been apart for five and a half. Meaning you were only together for two years of your union. You need to find out what exactly your husband's been doing for the 5.5 years you've been apart. Obviously, since you're both based in Canada, it's unlikely that he would have re-married. Not while married to you, else he would risk committing bigamy which is a punishable offence under the Canadian laws I'm sure. So, what you need to do is find out if he has a wife 'back home' i.e in Nigeria.

If he doesn't, then that says a lot and I daresay, would give you more hope of a reconciliation. If he does have a family back home, then that would explain a lot about his I-don't-care attitude towards you and the boys as his heart obviously is/would be with his other family. You need to find this out.

Secondly, I find it hard to believe that having worked so hard to acquire his papers (via marriage to you), he now has a laid-back attitude to work and has virtually spent most of that time drinking and 'socializing' with friends. Majority if not ALL Nigerian men who leave the shores of Nigeria to the West are very, very, hardworking. They usually have a vision of what they want in life and wouldn't mind going back to school or picking up menial jobs in the interim to help achieve their goals. I also know that it can be frustrating securing a well-paying job over here in the west as unfortunately, discrimination still does exist and it's worse for our black brothers. Yes, many do eventually achieve success but they have to work twice/thrice as hard as their Caucasian / Asian counterparts and earn only half of what these other people earn, even for the same job.

So you really do need to ascertain whether your husband's drinking is as a result of him being frustrated with the job market / his unemployment and is simply finding solace in the bottle, OR, if unfortunately, he does have a drink problem. If he is an alcholic, then that's almost if not, just as bad as being a wife/child beater. Alcoholism as you know, is an addiction with severe health complications and if not treated early, could end up with him losing his life. If the issues is not alcoholism but mere frustration, then this is where you have to step in as a supporting partner. Work with him to see where he can turn things around for the better. Has he got any specific skills which he might want to use in starting up his own business? If yes, then see how he can get a job, no matter how low paying it might be for starters, from where he might be able to save up to achieving that goal. Or is he academically inclined? Does he want to go back to school to acquire / fine-tune his skills? If so, then you might want to help him look into adult, evening classes at your local college or Uni. Whatever the case might be, don't look at it this way by saying: "He only contributed $400 a year towards the upkeep of his sons..." If he isn't working and is on social welfare / benefits, then you should understand that he can't give you what he hasn't got. Bottom line here is, help him upgrade himself. Him doing well in future can only be a positive thing for you all. Don't give up on him. Sometimes, men can be big babies and just need a push in the right direction. This is were you come in as his companion and supporting other half.

Going back to the questions you asked towards the end:
should i just start a fresh page of life, and move on with someone else? he lives 10 hrs away, and any kind of relationship with him will be extremely hard to rebuild after 5.5 yrs altogether of us being apart. (we've been married 7.5 yrs) will i always feel guilty if if i do divorce him? will i always think of him if i marry someone else? how do i know when to move on or when to try to rebuild what was already a difficult relationship?

~ Do you love your husband?
~ Do you want to work things out between you?
~ Does he feel the same way too? I.e does he love you and want to work things out for the better?

If the answers to those questions are YES, then like I said earlier, you're already halfway there.

May I ask why you asked that bit in bold about moving in with someone else? Do you already have someone else you're considering moving in with? If yes, then you don't love your man and simply want to get back with him for?? (you tell me). There are no two ways about this. Rather than ask yourself endless questions on what you should or shouldn't do, or how you think you might feel if you take a particular course of action, wouldn't it be much easier if you sat down with him to discuss and table you doubts and uncertainties? Sometimes, it's better to hear from the horse's mouth directly. Then and only then would you know exactly where you stand in this relationship / marriage.

I like being positive, so I'll assume you both want things to work out. In that case, my suggestion to you would be to start slow and easy. No need rushing back into his home with your cooking pots and pans. Start by spending weekends with him (alone). Leave your boys with your parents. You need to do this to see if the dying flames of love can be rekindled between you both. You're a woman. You should be able to tell. During this time, be as supportive as you can be. Show him (actions speak louder than words), that you're there to help him work through any issues he might have. Use that time alone with him, your weekends to recapture the lost love. Go out together. It doesn't have to be anywhere fanciful or expensive. It's summer time anyway. A walk in the park with your picnic basket should be fine. Rediscover yourselves and use your naughty weekends together to re-compensate for the honeymoon you never had.

If this works out well (i.e: after a couple of weekends alone with him) then see about introducing your sons back to their father. Do this on your time off work. So if for example you have a couple of days leave, see about spending them with him and the boys. Remember, just as you'll have to go slow with him, you also need to take it easy with the boys too. They also need time to get to know their father from scratch, so please don't rush this either. But do make sure your husband is in agreement with this AND let him know ahead of time, so that he too can make plans and preparations for your visit with his kids. Make it fun and look like an adventure and sleep-over for your kids. So a trip to the library, park, museum, or even a bus ride together like tourists around the town / city centre should do. Make home made snacks for you both, so the only thing you need to worry about spending money on are ice-creams and your bus fares.

I really do hope my advice helps you out here. All the best and good luck!

well in the last year he has started a moving truck business. we have seen none of that money and his income tax reports he earned at least 15, 000 dollars. should i even consider reconciling if he will not show he is able to support his family? i hate the thought of him being with someone else. and i have no reason to believe he has a wife or other kids back home. that has never been a worry. while being separated i have got acquainted with someone else with whom i share a lot of similarities. i have not been physically intimate with this person but have had a lot of conversations. he has become quite serious about being involved with me but i've kept a distance because i need answers about my present situation and marriage.
i honestly believe i love my husband and i think he loves me. the cultural differences have been enormous. i come from a strict mennonite religion (i do not belong to it anymore but still practice a lot of their beliefs) and he grew up catholic. he claims to be a born again christian but how can he be with such behaviour? a few times he has earnestly told me he has changed and he has "God in his life now" but it never lasts. when will i ever know i can trust him? for how many years do i need to wait for him to change?

we live 10 hours apart so its not like i can see his lifestyle now, but i really doubt its changed. i have by no means been a perfect wife either. i cant observe his daily behaviour when he only visits for a day each year. my boys are at a very impressionable age and i have to move carefully. boys tend to copy their dad so am i better being single, or waiting for him to change, or going back and just hoping for the best or ending the relationship for good?

Judging from the tone of your two latest posts, you've already made you mind up on what it is you want to do (i.e: leave the relationship). You've also got another man in your life whose caught your attention and focus, and you sound embittered about your ex even though you've chosen to live separate live and 10 hours apart.

I gave you a lot of suggestions in my post, none of which you've acknowledged.

Well, what more can one say, except good luck with your decision. Just make sure that your two sons aren't caught in the middle.

nowwhat: we live 10 hours apart so its not like i can see his lifestyle now, but i really doubt its changed. i have by no means been a perfect wife either. i cant observe his daily behaviour when he only visits for a day each year. my boys are at a very impressionable age and i have to move carefully. boys tend to copy their dad so am i better being single, or waiting for him to change, or going back and just hoping for the best or ending the relationship for good?

go back to their father and raise these boys the proper way. don't add to the statistics that say 43% of the kids raised in america are without their dads. you are likelier to get away with raising girls on your own than trying to raise boys on your own.

boys need a father figure - the time is now!

yes thankyou efema for your suggestions. i will see if maybe i can have a good long chat with him when he comes next to visit. the last 2 times he came to visit my family was insistent i should not meet with him alone.. they do not trust him and never wanted us to marry from the start. so i have not been with him alone for quite some time. however, the other day my eldest son was done talking to him on the phone and handed me the phone and said i needed to talk with his dad. i did a bit. the first time in about 8 months. and we have started texting a bit in the last week, so yes efema i am going very slowly with some of your suggestions. i guess i need to just wait and see how it turns out from here.

I'm reading from a teeny tiny phone so please pardon me if somehow I missed it but where exactly did hubby say he is ready for a reconciliation?

In everything you have written, there is no smidgen of him caring if you come or go yet you are asking about reconciliation. Am I missing something here? When did indifference become the new sure fire sign of love?

nowwhat: yes thankyou efema for your suggestions. i will see if maybe i can have a good long chat with him when he comes next to visit. the last 2 times he came to visit my family was insistent i should not meet with him alone.. they do not trust him and never wanted us to marry from the start. so i have not been with him alone for quite some time. however, the other day my eldest son was done talking to him on the phone and handed me the phone and said i needed to talk with his dad. i did a bit. the first time in about 8 months. and we have started texting a bit in the last week, so yes efema i am going very slowly with some of your suggestions. i guess i need to just wait and see how it turns out from here.

Why should your family insist that you don't meet with him alone? Is he not your husband?

Yes, we all have families and try to look out for each other's best interests, but there comes a time in life when you have to take responsibility for the direction you want your life to take. As long as he hasn't got violent tendencies, I see no reason why you can't be alone with him.

As long as your family keep watch over him like a hawk when he comes visiting, that man won't feel free or comfortable enough to open up to you. You do need your privacy, especially if you want to sort issues out with him, and to get the answers to the numerous questions plying your thoughts about him and your relationship with him.

Lady,do as coogar said or worst still free d man.u can't hv it both ways.
But never distance the children from their father.
It seems u and ur family want to box the man and believe u me,no Nigerian dude will want that. Life is too short to be wasted. Free him if u can't meet him half way so he will look for a woman that suits him and u go to ur new man.

You didn't mention Child Tax and additional Benefits you receive monthly....and without those kids you'll be working yourself or living on tiny paycheques on your name only if you're not working ..... So people here will understand you're not only doing okay financially but reconciliation will be a disadvantage for you financially and you know it So I don't get your story line here.

You're probably collecting boarding fees from family services too don't you? I may be wrong but being a single mom in Can is like money ritual.

Nuff said, the man clearly doesn't want this relationship but you want that inscribed on the placard for you, I strongly believe you know this.

I honestly think you want a piece from his new trucking Job bacon ... That's my own perception tho , I don't really buy that'' feeling bad leaving him story'' ... You already moved on girl, you can't have it all. Done

Work out visits for the boys , you can do without him, a friend pays child support for her kids father ( she's working full time NP) and share custody/ visit .... they live more than 12hrs drive apart, inter province.

OP are you by any chance Aboriginal?

How can you be apart from your husband for 5 years? I think you should move on & just look after yourself & your boys. He clearly doesn't seem to be making any effort to reconcile with you, he's out there having a great time, with no responsibilities or nagging wife at home! He doesn't deserve you & you know you deserve better!

5 years ke!

A year is long enough to know!

O now now people! U make it sound as if i just up and left! Did u not read that twice i was sent back 2 live @ my parents cuz he could not provide 4 us?? I never wud have left of my own idea. He has mentioned reconciling but i hav no proof hes different. I have strong feelings against divorce and wud like 2 somehow renew my love 4 him. I have 4given him but how does a heart heal enough 2 go back 2 someone who threatens abortion and who basically made my heart numb by now with no feelings. Can i feel love again and not always have bad memories playin like a movie over n over? And no i am not first nations and i do work 4 a living as well as get child tax etc. Im def not sittin n twiddling thumbs

Ok so he came out to visit two months ago and we spent a few days in city together with the boys. It went well and we had a good time. He definitely talked of reconciliation and neither of us was enthused to carry on with plans for a pretrial. I found out that last year he only made $2000 and lived with a friend and received financial support from his fam. He wud wish I'd move back where he has finally gotten a little more success with a business he has. Our eldest son is happy in his school here and we r very happy as we finally moved into our own house after living with my parents for four yrs. how can I move back for the third time wen I am feeling settled here? Yes I love him and have a little more trust in him but I don't know if I could go thru stress of uprooting again. Shud we just maintain long distance relationship?

^^ You and you only knows where the shoe pinches - meaning only you can answer that question.

If you're both committed to make it work for yourselves and the sake of you kids (family), then you just need to let go of your fears and start trusting and communicating.

Best wishes.

Ok so it's been a long time since I wrote. My husband has been out to visit prob 3 or 4 times in last year, and generally the visits went well. I think we both deep down want this to work.
Now the issue is he wishes we would move to his area 10 hrs away. I Hav kinda got settled down at my own place in the last few years, and my boys are doing well here. My parents are growing older and I always wanted to help them as they aged after all the ways they've helped me. So I am between a rock and a hard place as to what decision to make. Do I pull up my roots for a third time to move back to him? He has been sending money finally, (not very much, and only started when he got a court order to do it or his license would be taken). So please hand over all ur wise advice!he is talking like he is ready to move on if I don't make up my mind. My parents have helped me raise my boys in his absence and he never has once said a word of thanks to them. They don't get along with each other at all. They don't trust him and he is mad at them and feels they have never accepted or liked him. I don't want to grow old alone and raise the boys fatherless but can I uproot the stabity me and my boys have now, break my parents hearts and move back?!

nowwhat:
Ok so it's been a long time since I wrote. My husband has been out to visit prob 3 or 4 times in last year, and generally the visits went well. I think we both deep down want this to work.
Now the issue is he wishes we would move to his area 10 hrs away. I Hav kinda got settled down at my own place in the last few years, and my boys are doing well here. My parents are growing older and I always wanted to help them as they aged after all the ways they've helped me. So I am between a rock and a hard place as to what decision to make. Do I pull up my roots for a third time to move back to him? He has been sending money finally, (not very much, and only started when he got a court order to do it or his license would be taken). So please hand over all ur wise advice!he is talking like he is ready to move on if I don't make up my mind. My parents have helped me raise my boys in his absence and he never has once said a word of thanks to them. They don't get along with each other at all. They don't trust him and he is mad at them and feels they have never accepted or liked him. I don't want to grow old alone and raise the boys fatherless but can I uproot the stabity me and my boys have now, break my parents hearts and move back?!

Reconciliation, reconciliation, reconciliation.

That is the only way forward. There are so many old wounds that haven't healed yet and unfortunately, you my dear are caught right in the middle.

You can't cut yourself away from your family, and you need to rebuild your relationship with your husband for the sake of your boys. You just have to find a way to mend the broken bridges between him and your folks, otherwise you'll always be the one at the receiving end, bearing the brunt of it all.

Strive to be the peacemaker, but always remember to keep your business strictly your business. Resist the temptation to bring your family into any disagreements you have with your hubby, because your family will always take your side no matter what. Sort of explains his resentment towards them.

Good luck.

Basically he is still the way he was and you are right when you say you know he hasn't change. The thing is, he is laid back and runs away rather than confront challenges. If you go back, chances are that your parent will always be right and you may end up always regretting. My take is, if you decide to go back, go back cos of love and family not looking up to him as the major provider as he is not trustworthy/dependable in that angle due to his laid back attitude, in otherwords you always have to ensure sustenance with or without his contributions. He didnt do much for himself when with and without you cos thats just who he is, but i believe with your support, a bit of tough pushes here and there he can do much ONLY if he is willing. If on the other hand, you cant accept or cope with the way he is, let him go cos your parent will always be right, him always wrong and you always regretting. First question you should have answer for is, what is he bringing to the table? If he cant be relied upon as major provider, he should be a good dad, husband or something worth having otherwise let him go without guilt or regret. You can start by visiting weekends to be sure you really want to move, build bridges between him and your parents like the poster above said. You can make him appreciate your parent's effort and make your parent see a reason to give him a chance but first be sure he has a treasure worth keeping.

Thank you.... I am weary of trying to make peace between my parents and him but I will keep trying if he truly has a kernel of good inside I gess it's worth the fight to try and find it and build him up.
It also would be easier if he lived closer, 10 hours is a long way to drive!
O well, thank you all so much for ur advice and point of view