Please respect that I am only interested of receiving serious advice on this matter.

Hi all,
Hope you are enjoying the christmas holidays.
Ive decided to write on this forum as I am seeking advice from people with the same background as my partner ( or perhaps I should call him my ex partner.) I will call him A.
I myself is a Swedish citizen and A is a Igbo man and we have had a relationship in UK.
To make a long story short, me and A have been a couple for nearly two years.From the very start A has been a practicing Christian and it has never been a problem between us. I myself is also a Christian and to be honest I have not been practicing my beliefs very well.Several times I asked A to take me to his church but he never did and I kept quiet about it instead of pushing for it.
I always wanted to go with him to see and experience the joy and love he feel while attending church.

Me and A used to live together before as a non married couple but due to work I moved back to Sweden and we have been having a long distance relationship since. We had been planning to get married and to start a family but all of suddenly A changed and said he has decided to serve God and put God first so he asked me to give him some time. He also said that if I would come to UK I would have to stay somewhere else and not with him. ( it was never a problem before when we lived together and he was fasting/praying. I always respected that.)
That really broke my heart to hear.. the man who I had been living together with for a year and been planning a future with all of suddenly refused me to stay with him whilst visiting him.

I asked him why he had decided to make this drastic change and so but at the time A did not find the will to explain to me.
So I started to find the answers myself by researching his church etc and I came to realize that A is aiming to become born again and therefor he has sacrificed me and our relationship.
I know that once a person has made this decision nothing or no one will make him/her to stop until he/she has become born again.
It is okey with me but what I don't understand is because we had already spoke about marriage and was planning a future together why he has decided to call it off?

When he started this transformation he asked me to give him time... yesterday, 6 weeks later,when we spoke he said he don't want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend any more but we can be best friends.
Best friends?
At the moment it is very difficult for me to see that the man I love so deeply and want to marry will be my best friend.The man who has broke my heart.
A have many times said to me that I deserve more than what he can give me because I am the kind of person who gives my all to the person I love. I have never wronged him and I have always been loyal, committed, faithful, supportive etc.
I know I have given him everything a man want from a woman and all tough Im Swedish Im very well adapted to Nigerian culture and mentality.
I can cook Nigerian food,speak and understand Igbo a little bit and I am very understood in the culture.

What is most painful to me is that I know A knows I´d be a great wife and mother but he has probably made a decision not to be with me because according to his church, Redeemed Christian church of God, they should only marry members of the church.
I am hugely disappointed that A never sat me down and told me about his church and their beliefs.That he didn't even asked me to join him to church and to go with him to services. At least then I would have been able to make a decision if I wanted to join or not and then we could have had a conversation about our beliefs and to decide weather we could be together or not.
I feel completely left out.. rejected and thrown away.

I know its a personal decision to become born again and its not something you go around and tell everyone... but to tell your partner who´m you had planned to marry I think it is.

So guys, I don't know what do to. Should I just accept that we are never going to be again or should I pray that we can be together?
Me and A have not had problems in our relationship that has affected where we are now. It is his choice to become born again that has lead us to where we are now.

I really want to be with him. My heart desires to marry him and to have a family with him. And he has always said he want to be married and have three children.
Is there anything I can do or say? Is there anyone who is reading this that has been in a similar situation?
I need some advice as I don't know how to handle this or if I should just move on.

Manny Thanks in advance.
Oyinbo girl.

Well thank God its not a case of him going back to Nigeria to marry, that's the major problem faced by foreign girls in such relationship. I will come back when I have figured out an advice. compliments of the season. Ndewo!!!

move on!!!!!

so sad your eyes Is just opening to the fact that you have only been a side babe all this while. Unfortunately the has always been a MRS A all the while and he dis a good job hiding It so well for you.

No point praying and fasting over anything. simply dust your shoe and nd move on. life Is beautiful.

Don't push it. If he is no longer interested in you leave him and look for someone else who sees you compatible enough for himself.
Just ask him point blank if he is no longer interested.

Stick to the poster above me. Those two words are what you should do. Transforming to a born again doesn't stop one from barring their woman to spend time with them nor living together. The signs were there for long but you were too deep in love to see them. He has moved on, you too should.

Redeem Christian Church does not have any doctrine prohibiting you from marrying outside the church, if it is true he wants to ne a born again christian, your relationship might not work again especially if he is not ready to settle down in a long time,he might be trying to avoid temptations for now......i'll advice you just be calm, don't sweat it, if you are meant to be together he'll definitely come back to you, and in d process of reading replies some people might say some crazy things on this forum, I advice you take the positive comments and ignore the negatives....cheers!

My dear,pls move on,u will get over it in a matter of weeks,he doesnt deserve u

@AnnaOyibo

Even if mr.A is born again, he still has to marry. The issue mr.A has is cohabitation, premarital sex especially when he is now born again. He has done that with you and peradventure if he is to marry you today, you both have to face the marriage committee of the church and they will ask both of you some few questions like have you had sex before, are you cohabiting etc the point is, it is not that he does not love you but he is in a dilemma. He asked for friendship because he wants a clean slate. Give him a break. What you can do now is to find out the branch of RCCG he goes to, try and attend there. Give your life to Christ and start by being a worker in the church. But of cause, the issue with your work and relocating back to Britain

He does not want to marry you, please move on

If you push further he will use you

Please be glad if a man is at least sincere to give you excuses

bennyrazz:

@AnnaOyibo

Even if mr.A is born again, he still has to marry. The issue mr.A has is cohabitation, premarital sex especially when he is now born again. He has done that with you and peradventure if he is to marry you today, you both have to face the marriage committee of the church and they will ask both of you some few questions like have you had sex before, are you cohabiting etc the point is, it is not that he does not love you but he is in a dilemma. He asked for friendship because he wants a clean slate. Give him a break. What you can do now is to find out the branch of RCCG he goes to, try and attend there. Give your life to Christ and start by being a worker in the church. But of cause, the issue with your work and relocating back to Britain

This is a very sound advice..He might just be going through a spiritual transformation and has a sense of guilt about his past experiences with you
Try to talk things with him...and it won't be a bad idea if you seek God too in a deeper sense

He doesn't want to do again.

If a man really wants you, he might not care if you worship Baal.

@bennyrazz
Thank you for your message,Im pleased to see that there is at least a few people out here who understand what A is undergoing.

AnnaOyibo:
@bennyrazz
Thank you for your message,Im pleased to see that there is at least a few people out here who understand what A is undergoing.

He is the only poster you said thank you to because he said what you wanted to hear.

AnnaOyibo:
@bennyrazz
Thank you for your message,Im pleased to see that there is at least a few people out here who understand what A is undergoing.

don't be deceived lady, A is not undergoing anything. be wise and open your eyes. its written on the wall very glaring. what stops him from opening his mouth and explaining in details why lie to you that redeemer don't alow members marry except from same church why hasn't he ever allowed you attend his church so you both can become same member of the church and get married I am also a redeemer and I am married. beside last time I checked church weddings are done in the brides parents church and not the grooms, except both parents decides otherwise.

He just doesn't want to trow the blow in your face by telling you the truth being that you have lived together for 2 years like couples. my opinion though


the truth they say is bitter, better for you to swallow it now in peace before it gets to bitter to pass thru your throat.

AnnaOyibo:
@bennyrazz
Thank you for your message,Im pleased to see that there is at least a few people out here who understand what A is undergoing.

The transformation is usually like that especially when he is newly bornagain. He is trying to cut off anything that would make him fall back to his old sinful self. You just have to support him and make him see you from another angle by supporting him. Give your life to Christ and start going to church. Become a worker and you start relating with him by using the Scriptures. Do not fake it. You both talk about the Bible, share Christian journals, talk about sermons, pray together and you start living a godly life. You would experience a new thing

All you need now is to find the courage to move on. see it as life experiences. Hopefully, you apply such experiences and land yourself an ideal mate.

A is gone. look for B.

Mindfulness:


He is the only poster you said thank you to because he said what you wanted to hear.

Truth.

OP, what's the name of his RCCG branch in the U.K.? Is it Jesus House? That place is a hunting ground for single Nigerians looking to settle down with each other. I'm gonna say that most of us on the forum will tell you: A knew he couldn't marry you, but enjoyed the relationship and now, maybe he wants to get serious about settling down, maybe he's met a girl in church. But it's over between you two. So move on.

Btw, Redeemed doesn't stop marriages between members and non-members, they use that to increase their flock knowing the spouse will eventually be brought to church. He broke up with you when he could have simply righted wrongs in the eyes of God and the church by both of you attending his church and not co-habiting (the church will still marry you as long as you're not pregnant as at the time of wedding). He didn't want you attending his church because in Nigerian culture, taking a girl to your church is a public announcement that you're interested in a committed relationship with her and don't mind who knows this. Sorry.

Onegai:


Truth.

OP, what's the name of his RCCG branch in the U.K.? Is it Jesus House? That place is a hunting ground for single Nigerians looking to settle down with each other. I'm gonna say that most of us on the forum will tell you A knew he couldn'to marry you, but enjoyed the relationship and now maybe he wants to get serious about settling down, maybe he's met a girl in church. But it's over between you two. So move on.

Btw, Redeemed doesn't stop marriages between members and non-members, they use that to increase their flock knowing the spouse will eventually be brought to church. He broke up with you when he could have simply righted wrongs in the eyes of God and the church by both of you attending his church and not-haunting (the church will still marry you as long as you're not pregnant as at the time of wedding).

What I find strange in the entire story is the line where she said that even before he ended the relationship and became born again, he didn't want to take her along to church and didn't even try to pull her more to the pious way of life even though she is a Christian who seems to be pretty open-minded to be engaging in several of the religious practices. A man who is serious about a woman always tries to make her part of what is important to him and in this man's life it is apparently his religion.

AnnaOyibo,

what we say here is actually quite irrelevant as it will confuse you. You are in the best position to know and feel whether this relationship is worth it. Does it feel right?

Hi to all of you whom have left comments on this matter.

First of all I am sorry that I did not reply to each one of you.. the reason why I replied to one comment is that he totally understood what this matter is about.

What I have described in my post is only briefly what has happen during a period of six to seven weeks and not the two years that we had.

I have lived and stayed with A and I am almost sure that I was not just a side babe to him. It is quite interesting to read the judgmental comments from certain people who only knows briefly the situation Im in.

First of all, A is a wonderful person who has always spoke to me in a respectful way. But it doesn't make him perfect of course.
What I did not mention in my post is that A is from a very strict conservative Catholic family. The fact that he has converted to the Redeemed Christian Church has lead to a lot of problems within the family.

A has been not succeeding very well in terms of job and money since he took his MA in IT. He do a job he don't like and of course it doesn't bring him the income that he desires.
I myself is a well paid professional who does a job where I get to travel a lot. Many times Ive been the bread feeder which I did not mind but I knew it was painful to A.

Another thing that I did not mention is the fact that I am white ( but of course you know because of my Nick) and I have since some time started to questioning weather that would be a problem for A...
My family has met A and they absolutely love him.
But I myself has not met his family since they are based in Naija and we did not get the time or chance to travel to visit them. A have also said he is not very close to his family and mostly just speak to his mother.

I know it might sound very strange but at least I know that no matter what, A has been a great guy, always kind and humble. I do not for a minute think I was his side babe and if it turns out that I was I´d clap for him, to have succeeded behind my back.

I honestly think it has to do with the color of my skin ( apparently it doesn't matter how well you cook egusi, bitter leaf soup, lol) because he knows it will not be accepted within his family, that he has already disappointed by converting.
Or it could be the fact that he is being "manipulated" at his church and because Im a Lutheran he see reasons why it won't work.

@ Onegai: The church is called " House of praise"

AnnaOyibo:
@ Onegai: The church is called " House of praise"

Okay. But RCCG policy does not stop members from marrying non-members. Your last writeup is you trying to understand and give excuses. There are none. I had a relationship counselor (also white) who once said "it doesn't matter the reason why, but the fact that the man has broken up with you means he's just not that into you. And that is all you need to know". And that's the truth: I've seen interracial, interfaith, age-and-pay difference issues not stand in the way of 2 people who truly want to be together. This man doesn't want to be with you.

It's in your best interests to move on and forget.

And the reason why I may sounded judgemental is that I have seen this scenario play out, a lot. I had a male friend who had a foreign gf and she went everywhere with us and was friendly to me. Meanwhile, he was asking me to marry him and when I asked about her, he told me pointblank that if I agreed, he'd come with something to tell her as to why they could not end up together and one of the somethings would be "mama cannot accept a foreign chick". Rarely will a man have the courage to say to your face "I'm not that into you, we can't keep going on, I'm sorry", he would prefer to give you countless excuses (you dated for almost 2 years and your race and religion suddenly became a problem, he's been fine with you supporting him through his rough patch but now no more, you've lived together, discussed marriage, yet not only does he not want you back in his home, he wants you gone from his life?? Oh honey... )

I think he wants to move on and marry however that does not preclude the fact that Bennyrazz may be right as others may want to separate from sin in some cases..just not sure about A's case


Annaoyibo

I'm really not sure how this is going

If changing church is causing rifts in a family then maybe progressing into marriage with you is just one too many things he's not ready to take on.

I'd say give him space.

I do feel he's using church as an excuse though.
But you know him more than we do.

If he's not sure of marriage with you then let him go.

If he comes back then he comes back.
Stick with your instinct I'd say...your first assumption is probably right.

I seriously think the problem is your nationality. . It's so hard for an Igbo guy to marry outside his tribe, how much more outside his country. .Except Ofcourse his family isn't deeply rooted in tradition; I really doubt though, since they live in Naija. .


All d best Oyibo, whatever happens just be happy. . There are other great guys! No need beating yourself since you played your part well!

Oyinbo girl, for your own good, look for another man. Even if you marry him now, he will surely marry someone from Nigeria after he gets what he wants from you. Spare yourself the heartache and move on.

AnnaOyibo:
Hi to all of you whom have left comments on this matter.

First of all I am sorry that I did not reply to each one of you.. the reason why I replied to one comment is that he totally understood what this matter is about.

What I have described in my post is only briefly what has happen during a period of six to seven weeks and not the two years that we had.

I have lived and stayed with A and I am almost sure that I was not just a side babe to him. It is quite interesting to read the judgmental comments from certain people who only knows briefly the situation Im in.

First of all, A is a wonderful person who has always spoke to me in a respectful way. But it doesn't make him perfect of course.
What I did not mention in my post is that A is from a very strict conservative Catholic family. The fact that he has converted to the Redeemed Christian Church has lead to a lot of problems within the family.

A has been not succeeding very well in terms of job and money since he took his MA in IT. He do a job he don't like and of course it doesn't bring him the income that he desires.
I myself is a well paid professional who does a job where I get to travel a lot. Many times Ive been the bread feeder which I did not mind but I knew it was painful to A.

Another thing that I did not mention is the fact that I am white ( but of course you know because of my Nick) and I have since some time started to questioning weather that would be a problem for A...
My family has met A and they absolutely love him.
But I myself has not met his family since they are based in Naija and we did not get the time or chance to travel to visit them. A have also said he is not very close to his family and mostly just speak to his mother.

I know it might sound very strange but at least I know that no matter what, A has been a great guy, always kind and humble. I do not for a minute think I was his side babe and if it turns out that I was I´d clap for him, to have succeeded behind my back.

I honestly think it has to do with the color of my skin ( apparently it doesn't matter how well you cook egusi, bitter leaf soup, lol) because he knows it will not be accepted within his family, that he has already disappointed by converting.
Or it could be the fact that he is being "manipulated" at his church and because Im a Lutheran he see reasons why it won't work.

please move on..have not seen any sign of seriousness on his part frm d write ups..you are a side chick no matter what ur story tells. if a naija man is in love, he will chase relentlessly. pls dont later come and post story that touches about Nigerian men if he dumb u at d end.

hope you are not one of these fat wyte women dat rely on African blacks? Naija men do not like fat women anymore

AnnaOyibo:
Hi to all of you whom have left comments on this matter.

First of all I am sorry that I did not reply to each one of you.. the reason why I replied to one comment is that he totally understood what this matter is about.

What I have described in my post is only briefly what has happen during a period of six to seven weeks and not the two years that we had.

I have lived and stayed with A and I am almost sure that I was not just a side babe to him. It is quite interesting to read the judgmental comments from certain people who only knows briefly the situation Im in.

First of all, A is a wonderful person who has always spoke to me in a respectful way. But it doesn't make him perfect of course.
What I did not mention in my post is that A is from a very strict conservative Catholic family. The fact that he has converted to the Redeemed Christian Church has lead to a lot of problems within the family.

A has been not succeeding very well in terms of job and money since he took his MA in IT. He do a job he don't like and of course it doesn't bring him the income that he desires.
I myself is a well paid professional who does a job where I get to travel a lot. Many times Ive been the bread feeder which I did not mind but I knew it was painful to A.

Another thing that I did not mention is the fact that I am white ( but of course you know because of my Nick) and I have since some time started to questioning weather that would be a problem for A...
My family has met A and they absolutely love him.
But I myself has not met his family since they are based in Naija and we did not get the time or chance to travel to visit them. A have also said he is not very close to his family and mostly just speak to his mother.

I know it might sound very strange but at least I know that no matter what, A has been a great guy, always kind and humble. I do not for a minute think I was his side babe and if it turns out that I was I´d clap for him, to have succeeded behind my back.

I honestly think it has to do with the color of my skin ( apparently it doesn't matter how well you cook egusi, bitter leaf soup, lol) because he knows it will not be accepted within his family, that he has already disappointed by converting.
Or it could be the fact that he is being "manipulated" at his church and because Im a Lutheran he see reasons why it won't work.

Madam please go ahead and fast and pray very hard too, afterall its your life and na you go marry the guy. If it works out fine best of luck, if it doesnt best of luck as well in facing it alone.

Most problems ppl face these days dont just pop up out of the moon, there are signs everywere we humans just ignore it and feel we can handle it. Its not only in relationships, its in our daily lives, business, friends we keep, even inside the married ones homes, also with our children, in schools and working places.

It's when the deed has been done our eyes dey clear. May God help us all

Onegai:


Okay. But RCCG policy does not stop members from marrying non-members. Your last writeup is you trying to understand and give excuses. There are none. I had a relationship counselor (also white) who once said "it doesn't matter the reason why, but the fact that the man has broken up with you means he's just not that into you. And that is all you need to know". And that's the truth: I've seen interracial, interfaith, age-and-pay difference issues not stand in the way of 2 people who truly want to be together. This man doesn't want to be with you.

It's in your best interests to move on and forget.

And the reason why I may sounded judgemental is that I have seen this scenario play out, a lot. I had a male friend who had a foreign gf and she went everywhere with us and was friendly to me. Meanwhile, he was asking me to marry him and when I asked about her, he told me pointblank that if I agreed, he'd come with something to tell her as to why they could not end up together and one of the somethings would be "mama cannot accept a foreign chick". Rarely will a man have the courage to say to your face "I'm not that into you, we can't keep going on, I'm sorry", he would prefer to give you countless excuses (you dated for almost 2 years and your race and religion suddenly became a problem, he's been fine with you supporting him through his rough patch but now no more, you've lived together, discussed marriage, yet not only does he not want you back in his home, he wants you gone from his life?? Oh honey... )

Biko free her sis, she isnt intrested. She will fast for months and pray very hard and all will be well.

OP taryour and co have said it all.
Whether the problem is another girl or the color of your skin, it's all the same thing.
He's no longer into you. It has little to do with faith.
If it had to do with faith, he'd try to get you to go with him to his church.

Move On! You think you are great and yada yada, but he obviously does not feel the same way and has moved on. He just doesn't know how to tell you to your face, because obviously you would take it really badly.
Move on, you know you are a great person. That should be enough! You will find your own man. Don't let any human being make you question yourself, or if you can be loved. He is not married to you and has made a decision that he does not want to be with you. Leave him alone and stop pushing.
And please, don't let him come back. Just keep walking and don't look back. I do not believe in reconciliation with ex's when you put yourself out there and tried your best. If they come back, it's because you are the stumping ground that is sure. He will surely break your heart again! Just move on!

Most people all strangers have given you a solid point, move on, no church, nor salvation makes one dump someone because of renewed faith
Or salvation
The sooner you open your eyes the better

He should be proposing by now, but instead he has thrown you very flimsy excuse,

Love is blind for sure, but open your eyes before it's too late