A Policeman"s Prayer
Lord, I ask for courage;
Courage to face my daily responsibilities and conquer my own fears...
Courage to take me where others will want me to go.
I ask for strength; To protect lives and properties...
Strength of body to protect my environment...
Strength of spirit to lead my country well.
I ask for dedication; To my duty and not to take BRIBE
Dedication to my job to do it well and avoid Twenty naira (#20)...
Dedication to my command and obey lawful command, and not unlawful twenty naira.
Lord, Give my authority the love to re-brand the image of the Force;
For all those who trust road block to forget #20...
And have compassion for thecitizen
Who need me should come tothe Station, am always there as their servant.
And, please, Lord, through itall, have mercy on us and remember our welfare.

A Nigerian,an American and aGerman were talking and bragging about the technological advances of their representative countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
The American says, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him. And now that he is grown, hehas become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that."
The German replied, “That"snothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached artificial legs on her and she is now 3times marathon gold medallistin the Olympics!!"
The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abeokuta, we have a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he even became the the president."

The farmer"s son was returning from the the market wth the crate of chicken"s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell ad broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds ad returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping hehad found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose,"the boy confessed sadly,"But i managed to find all twelve of them".
" Well, you did real good, son ," the farmer beamed, " You left with seven."

Long,long,long time ago,whenthe number of people well educated could well counted on one"s finger tips,there lived an Ijesha man who came to Lagos for the first time and was taken on a sight seeing to marina streetin Lagos where you have a lot of sky scrappers.
This man,like many of the people of his age who were still miles away from civilisation was marvelled at the site of these sky scrappers.Since in his villageas of that time houses were built with mud with one person throwing a big ball ofmud which the other who will be on top of the building would catch then carefully moulding it to build up the house.then you only have bungallows since the throw each person can make to thebuilder on top of the buildingis limited.
This was the type of buildinghouses this man was used tountil he came across these multi stories sky scrappers,and thinking aloudhe shouted to the consternation of people around him that "the person that threw this mud is surelynot a normal human being,because how can somebody throw a ball of mud from this place and will almost reach heaven".
Some of the people around included some " area boys",which is an acronym for some bad boys who regalled in smoking indian hemp and harrassing unsuspecting people going about decent businesses on the street of Lagos.
One of the area boys went near him asked him "how many times have you viewedthat building?".Two times he retorted.
For each view you will pay us 500 naira that is the law ofd Lagos,the area boy further said.
He quickly brought out 1000 naira and paid the gut and muttered to himself I viewed it more than 20 times and I told him just two times foolish man i showed him thatI was smarter than him.
Tell me who was smarter my dear reader.

To find a WOMAN you need TIME and MONEY,
Therefore:
WOMAN = MONEY X TIME
"TIME is MONEY" so
TIME = MONEY
Therefore :
WOMAN = MONEY X MONEY
WOMAN = (MONEY)^2 = MONEY squared
"MONEY is the ROOT of all PROBLEMS"
MONEY = SQUARE ROOT of PROBLEMS
Therefore,
WOMAN = (SQUARE ROOT of PROBLEMS)^2
which implies dat: WOMAN = PROBLEM

A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports aroundthe world.
The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an emptybriefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.
In Brussels, Belgium the casewas stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.
In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.
In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.
In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.
At Lagos, Nigeria, the peopleconducting the study were robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase was stolen along with the car!

AT A FRIEND"S WEDDING RECEPTION, THE GROOM WASCALLED UPON TO GIVE HIS VOTE OF THANKS. THIS IS WHAT HE CAME UP WITH:
FIRST AND FOREMOST, I THANK THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY FOR CREATING MY WIFE. I WILL ALSO LIKE TO THANK MY BOSS WHO APPROVED THE LOAN USED FOR THIS WEDDING OTHERWISE......
SPECIAL APPRECIATION GOES TO MY LANDLORD FOR LENDING US HIS CAR. I ALSO APPRECIATE THE PASTOR AND HIS WIFE FOR KINDNESS IN LENDING US THEIR WEDDING RINGS.
SPECIAL THANKS GOES TO MYBROTHER AND HIS WIFE FOR LENDING US THEIR WEDDING SUIT AND GOWN RESPECTIVELY.
UNEXPRESSABLE THANKS TO THE CAKE DESIGNER, AS FOR THE CAKE I PROMISE TO RETURN IT TOMORROW AS EARLIER AGREED.
I WILL NOT END THIS VOTE OF THANKS WITHOUT EXPRESSING MY GRATITUDE TO THE COMMITTEE OF FRIENDS FOR THE APPEAL FUND RAISED ON MY BEHALF. IALSO THANK THEM FOR BRINGING FOOD FROM THEIR VARIOUS HOME TO HELP ME FEED YOU ALL.
THANKS FOR COMING AND GOD BLESS.

Which of these Girls Lie Pass?
..... Amaka: Waiter I like my salad very hot also can I
have 2 bottles of Sharwarma? Lol
Tope: Ore mi give me your pin let me call you... Lol
Bukola: I'm so tired I just finished making my hair @
Shoprite
Gift: really? I want to spend my summer in London
this Christmas.
Cynthia: I just bought a BB but I haven't collected
my pin
Tricia brags: when I'm flying I like to sit at the
window so I can open it for fresh air
Fatima: I prefer London to UK during winter
Titi: you can't imagine; I just bought a g-string and
the thing I love most about it is the back pocket..
Bukola : If you don't have meat pie, egg roll or
scotch-egg; give me snacks
Eno: In our house we had 3 swimming pools until
armed robbers stole one.

99% will fail this,,
When a conductor is promoted, he becomes a driver.
When an apprentice is promoted, he becomes a master.
When a class teacher is promoted, he becomes a head teacher.
When a housegirl/maid is promoted, What will she become________??
Answer fast if u r smart!

Football vs Sex.
1. Going to your bf/gf withoutbeing invited = OFFSIDE.
2. Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day= FREE-KICK.
3. Condom = GOALKEEPER
4. Condom breaks = PENALTY
5. Abortion = RED CARD
6. A girl with lots of energy = CAPTAIN
7. Having sex without a condom = OWN GOAL
8. Taking a lot of time withoutcoming = MAN OF THE MATCH.
9.Banging 3 girls in a day = HAT-TRICK.
10. Having many chicks and banging all = MVP
11. Having sex with your ex= FRIENDLY MATCH
12. 8 years of sex without getting a child = ARSENAL
13. After 2 rounds, u requestfor more =EXTRA TIME.
14. Taking it gently when having sex = FAIR PLAY
15. Biting her n!pples = SUAREZ
16.Two legs on shoulder = THROWIN
17. Asking her 'how do you want it' = Taking instructions on the sideline.
18. A lady using pills after sex and later still got pregnant = DEFENSIVE ERROR
19.Girl being pregnant = GoOoOoOallllll
20.Ur guy collect ur chick= True pass
21.Having sex with a girl..andyour mum open d door= Injury
22.You and your girl break up= Game over
23. Girl tell u to stop= YELLOW CARD

Two Brothers Nicknamed P.SQUARE sang a
song called DO ME.
And Got IFUNAYA pregnant.
They Ran to Escape the TEMPTATION but their BIZZY BODY
Couldn't allow them to stay because, E NO EASY.
While Running, they ran
into DANGER Till they began to ROLL IT until THE GAME IS OVER.
This twin Brothers have now Decided to trick BEAUTIFUL ONYINYE by telling Her, you must
CHOP MY MONEY.
She is now happy, dancing ALINGO.

JOKE : Anything You Cannot Touch Does
Not Exist.
.
Akpos is a very naughty boy, he has
away of giving replies to questions and
making people feel stupid. Sure you are going to enjoy this.
.
Here is the conversation between
Musa , Akpos and their Teacher.
.
TEACHER: Anything you cannot see, touch and feel does not exist. Example,
Can u see God?
MUSA: NO
TEACHER: Can you touch God?
MUSA: NO
TEACHER: Can you feel God? MUSA: NO
TEACHER: This means There is no God.
Can anybody give me any other
example?
.
AKPOS: Yes Ma, TEACHER: Go ahead AKPOS
(AKPOS faces the teacher)
AKPOS: Can you see your brain?
TEACHER: NO,
AKPOS: Can you touch your brain?
TEACHER: NO, AKPOS: Can you feel your brain?
TEACHER: NO,
AKPOS: Therefore, YOU HAVENO BRAIN.
.
Is Akpos Right or Wrong?

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemedthat all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used tocome up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You"re next."
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike theirEnglish counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
""House," in French, is feminine - "la maison" and"Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon.""
One puzzled student asked,"What gender is"computer"?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn"t in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the classinto two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men"s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer", because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories forit.
The women"s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer", because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, buthalf the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you"d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

It Pays to be a Nigerian
A man died & goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he"ll pick the least painful to spend his
eternity.
He goes to the German hell &asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of
nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in...Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told"first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in& whips you
for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man. A concerned fellow callshim aside
and said, "Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair doesn"t work.
The nails were paid for but were never supplied by the contractor, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to bea civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for other business!!"
................. IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN

ASUU. PERSONALLY
Personally.... ....x3
Personally.... ....x3
Personally i once had it
I don taya 2 feed my body
I just dey fear my books like say i
neva jacked it.People reason dat am jokin like it
Aaaah............Na wetin b dis
Saga............Dem no won gree
Them say FG no gree pay
Chorus.........
Personally,professionally,dis
strike is nt intentionally,but d effect on us is physically,do dey want us 2 go radically,emotionally
psychologicallyour gals forcefully
are going sexually,
kelechically,biologically,
dramatically and dem no won gree
Chorus.........
Yeah exceptionally,we need 2 go in spiritually.Them reason na financially but magicaly dem dey grove internationally
Nawa,,,,nawatically
Haba....habatically waka na from
my dictionary
Saga.....Dem no won gree
They sey dem no won gree
Chorus.................
ASUU Vs FG=Lord pls intervene..
Gud afrnoon palz,ao is ur day goingcally

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Funny Post (written in pidgin)
All na the same!
1.You buy egg roll N150, I buy buns N20 boil
egg N30, all na N50 ‪#‎ all‬na d same, money
cannot waste#
2.You buy Five Alive N300; I buy , orange
+mango+pineapple N80, mine own na
natural, money cannot waste#
3. Nepa cut your power, you pay N2000
reconnection fee sharp sharp; me I wait, for
night I call electrician pay am N200 fix the
wire back, money cannot waste#
4. You buy Milo, peak milk and sugar; me I
buy cowbell chocolate which already
contains every, Money no waste#
5. You pay 5k go watch p.square show, me I
buy the pirated CD N100 watch n sing along,
money no waste#
6. You pay N1000 for cinema buy pop corn
N500; I buy 20-in-1 DVD, dey my house dey
chop N50 pop corn, movie dey show, money
cannot waste#
7. You buy red bull N400 to become active,
me I buy paraga N20, i'm super active,
mtchew, money cannot waste#
8. You buy Don Simon, I buy zobo add
squaddy, , all na red wine#
9. You fix brazillian hair 100k; I buy
xpressions attachment N350, I fine pass you,
guys dont even know the difference,
hahahahaa#
10. You go club for V.Island buy hennesey
40k, me I enter joint for area buy alomo
N200, all na higness#
11. You pay dstv 9k to watch match, me I
pay N50 for viewing centre,, all na
de same#
12. You buy BB torch 95k, me I buy BB Storm
15k, sheybi na ping all of us they ping#
ADD YOURS...

Money has lots of names!!!
In church we call it (Offering)
In a wedding we call it (Bride price)
When you owe someone (Loan )
When we pay the government (Tax)
In court (maintenance)
Government to old age people (Pension)
Boss to workers (Salary)
And when a Boyfriend gives to his Girlfriend
what do you call it?

I was coming home saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya Wake up eba don ready.

Udeme always comes to a
restaurant in my neighbourhood to eat rice and stew.
There was a day he came as usual
and ordered for rice and stew but was told stew was still been prepared. He then requested for rice and ate it. After eating, he was told stew was ready. He requested for stew and drank it. After drinking, he collapsed terribly, holding his stomach and started rolling on the floor. I rushed down to him and asked; What is wrong with you?.
He replied; I am mixing the rice and the stew.

UDEME VS FATHER-IN-LAW Young man, you coming
to seek my daughter’s
hand in marriage and you are chewing gum. That’s
a sign of disrespect! Akpors: Sir, I only chew gum
when I drink or
smoke. Father-In-Law: You mean u drink & smoke
and you
are here to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage?
Akpors: Sir I only drink & smoke when I go to the
club. Father-In-Law: U club too? Akpors: I’m sorry
sir, I
started clubbing when I came out of prison. Father-
In-Law:-U’ve also been in prison before? Oh
my God! Akpors: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I
killed
somebody! Father-In-Law:-What!!! U’re a killer
Akpors: Sir, it happened out of anger. It was a
certain man that didn’t allow me marry his
daughter so I killed him. Father-In-Law: You are
highly welcome my son. U
are on the right track. U are absolutely the right
man for my daughter.

Peter : "I want my money now!"
Tom : I'll kill myself so that I wont pay you
*he pulled a gun and shot himself dead*
Peter : "hahaha..... If you think you will get
away with my money then you are wrong, I
will follow you until you pay me *he takes
the gun and shot himself dead as well*
Udeme : Was watching from a distance he
laughed n said "these guys are funny, I want
to watch this till the end".... he also took the
gun and killed himself!
SO IF U WANT 2 KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT,
U KNOW WHAT 2 DO....

UDEME'S STORY

I was in the public toilets
and had just sat down, a voice
from the next cubicle said “Hi !,
how are you ?” Embarrassed, I
said, “I’m doing fine”. The
voice said “So what are you up
to ?”. I said, “Just doing the
same as you, sitting here !”.
From next door, “Can I come
over?”. Annoyed, I said ”
rather busy right now”. The
voice said, “Listen, i will have to
call you back, there’s an idiot
next door answering all my
questions"

A female teacher,was
having a
problem with Udeme in her
class of 3rd grade.
Udeme said 'M'am, I should
b in
4th grade, i'm smarter than
my sis
& she's in the 4th grade'.
The M'am {Teacher} had
heard
enough of his complains &
took
Udeme 2 the Principal's
office.
She explained everything 2
the
Principal who decided 2 test
Udeme with some questions
that a 4th grade should
know.
Principal: What's 3 + 3?
Udeme: 6
Principal: 6 + 6?
Udeme: 12
& so on..
The Principal asked the boy
many
questions & Udeme got
them right.
The Principal then asked
M'am 2
send Udeme 2 4th grade.
M'am decided 2 ask some
more
questions & the Principal
agreed.
M'am: What does a cow
have 4
of, that I've only 2 of?
Udeme: Legs
M'am: What's in ur pants
that u
have but I dont have?
Udeme: Pockets
M'am: What starts wit a C
&
ends
with T, is hairy, oval,
delicious &
contains thin whitish liquid?
Udeme: Coconut
M'am: What goes in hard &
pink
then comes out soft &
sticky?
The principal's eyes open
really
wide,but b4 he could stop
the
answer, the boy was taking
charge.
Udeme: Bubble Gum
M'am: U stick ur poles inside
me. U
tie me down 2 get me up, I
get wet b4 u do. What am
I?
Udeme: Tent
The principal was looking
restless
M'am: A finger goes in me.
U
fiddle
with me when u're bored.
The best man always has
me 1st n what am I?
Udeme: Wedding Ring
M'am: I come in many sizes.
When
Ï'm not well, I drip. When u
blow
me,u feel good?
Udeme: Nose
M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My
tip
penetrates,I come with a
quiver
Udeme:Arrow
M'am: What starts wit 'F' &
ends
with a 'K' & if u dont get it,
u've 2
use ur hand?
Udeme:Fork
M'am: Whats it that all men
have,it's longer in some
men than
others,the Pope doesn't
use his & a man gives it 2
his wife after
marriage?
Udeme: Surname
M'am: What part of the man
has no bone, but has
muscles with a lot of veins
like pumpin & is responsible
4 making love?
Udeme: Heart
The principal breathed a
sigh of
relief & told the teacher:-
'Send
Udeme 2 University, I got
the last
10 questions wrong myself!

A lady with her baby is sitting in a bus beside the driver… “What an ugly baby!”, said the driver to the lady.
Feeling insulted, she moved to another seat and murmurred a few things under her breathe. The man next to her asked, “What happened?”
“The driver just insulted me!” she cried. Sympathetic, the man offered, “That bastard, he shouldn’t have insulted you! Go, get his number. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
What"d You Think

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation.
He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?”
“Mais oui!, of course!” responds the Frenchman.
“Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
“And what about steaks?” he continues. “Do you eat all parts of them?”
“Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman.
“You don’t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don’t! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we
sell in France.”
Now the Frenchman is really riled . So he asks, “And what do Americans do with their used condoms?”
“Hey, we throw them away of course,” says the American.
“Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband"s away!
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Husband says; "When I"m gone you"ll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I"d want another man like you!"
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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn"t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It"s $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I"ll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I"ll get you some nails and wood.
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.