.

This is not something that is peculiar to Nigerians. And I guess it has to do with the level of financial security the man is willing to accept as "sufficient". I often ask myself the same questions when I see my friend doing these things.

So forumites, abeg, wetin dey happen??

@ poster,

I will say i am someone that loves family life, being around my siblings, parents, wife etc but professional calling has turned me to another person. I have been 'lucky' to have jobs that take me away from home for months etc. Anytime i try changing my work, i'll get anither one that requires more travel than the previous. Infact i left my wife for 3 months just 5days after our marriage. Right now, i have seen my wife just for a total of 9days this year.

It's not because , i am nigerian, but for my professional calling. It's same for most of my collegues ( who are not Nigerians, anyway)

.

amber_ella:

Thank you so much for responding. I am very curious to hear the motivation behind this.

I'm sure this isn't unique to Nigerians but it is very uncommon in my country. For me, what is important in life is spending time with my family. I want to sit down each night and eat dinner with my husband and children. I want to be there to satisfy my husband's needs, and to allow him to satisfy mine. I don't need the biggest house on the block or a mercedes. To me, it seems that you are choosing material possessions over spending time with your family. I'm sure you don't see it that way, so please could you explain that to me?

Also, I completely understand if you don't choose to answer, since it's really none of my business, but could I be so brave as to ask you whether you have had sexual relationships with women other than your wife in the 356 days of the year that you've been away from her? (I apologise in advance if you find this question distasteful!)

No problem,
Before we got married, i was into somethings like that , but after exchanging vows at the alter, I make bold to tell you that i have not seen the undies of another woman. It's been difficult but i am very determined to keep to the vows. It's about two years now and i am still good to go

Its really very common, because of economic conditions and the need to earn enough to make ends meet.

My parents thankfully didn't have to do that, the longest my mum was away that I remember for was when she went to do her Masters degree, and I was almost 10 by then so it wasn't too bad. I think most people would not voluntarily choose this way of life, but when they see others doing it and 'coping' (whatever that entails) and getting a 'better life' in the process, family pressures and the like make it almost inevitable, just to make sure you can provide for the family.

@ deor can you enlighten us as to the kind of job you do? Not prying, but just to give a better understanding of the matter.

I do think in many regards that family life has been set aside or made a lower priority all in the name of providing enough. I realise many do not have other choices, but some do and end up leaving their families in danger of breaking up.

debosky:


@ deor can you enlighten us as to the kind of job you do? Not prying, but just to give a better understanding of the matter.

don't you think, that's drilling too deep

No probs mate, you can leave that out. . .but if there is a certain occupation that Nigerian men seem to engage in that takes them away from their families for long periods of time, it may help shed more light on the situation. Its your prerogative of course to leave it out if you want to.

These types of profession ( i am not sure if 'type' is the right word  but 'nature') is for a short time. Maximum of 5 years, however i know a couple of guys that have been doing this for over 10 years. The Sad reality is that none of them has a compact family now. Examples of these jobs are offshore jobs, telecoms consultant jobs, etc

Someone's got to do these job, I notice that once enter the cycle, it get more difficult for you to leave. The offers you get will be close to what you are doing now

.

A thread like this was opened by Leilah and because of her record of tying everything down to culture I was a little bit harsh with my response.

Now I am in the danger of repeating maself,,,,,,,,,, Whenever I hear a white woman trying to use culture to understand everything that goes on in thier marriage with our Naija brothers, it irritates me. Cos I know the so- called culture (of at least the Igbos) is the very opposite whatever is being advocated here.

A little dig into the family structure of the Africans would show that it always consists of not only the dad, the mom but also extended family members. That is our culture. We even have a popular saying that goes this way "One person is not sufficient to raise a child". That accentuates the importance of the extended family viz a vis the whole community in the issue of raising a child. I remenber being disciplined not only by my parents but also by uncles and aunts. That is culture for U right there. Culturally, most Africans practice the extended family system rather than the nuclear family system.

Now what U guys like to call culture are actually trends. And this is driven by a whole array of factors ranging from financial to academic pursuits. And these trends are not restricted to the Nigerian man alone.

Part of the problem here is that most of ur Nigerian spouses dont actually take the time to educate U guys about what our culture is really like and that might be the reason why trends and fads like anal sex and patronising clubs would be classified as a Nigerian culture   I have  dated a couple of white girls and I always make it a point of duty to teach them a little bit of what it is like to be an Igbo man. Most of them grudgingly end up watching some Nigerian home movies with me. They always thank me later  

@Uche2nna
Take it easy. It's quite difficult appreciating the the perception of our culture by whites. It takes a while, because the perception of us has been built around CNN,VOA,BBC view of Africa

@poster

What Uche2nna was trying to say is that, it is not by being African that makes a man want to stay away from the family. Infact, traditionally Africans lives and values are built around strong family ties. Different pursuit in life, however changes some of these values in everybody, including Africans

.

amber_ella:

However, you failed to address my question. I am not here to talk about anal sex or to complain about my husband. I am simply interested in talking to men who work away from home, or women whose husbands work away from home, to hear their point of view.

If this statement was made without a reference to culture , then I would have held my peace.However, making it a Nigerian/African thing kind of got me hot under the collar.


Sorry, if I came out too strong there. Nothing personal.

On a lighter note,

Yeah, I agree that culture is always in a state of flux but it is more deeper and far more steadier than a trend.

Anyway, back to the topic of Men leaving thier families. Hope U get more helpful responses.

Uche2nna:

If this statement was made without a reference to culture , then I would have held my peace.However, making it a Nigerian/African thing kind of got me hot under the collar.

I stated in my original post that I am not judging, that I love my in-laws deeply and admire their strong family values.  Clearly I'm not coming here to criticise your culture.  Your people and my people have a very different approach to families and the role of husbands and fathers.  For that reason, if I want to understand my husband and his family, I should go to his people for answers, no?

This is very different from a poster who comes on here asking if anal rape is a Nigerian thing.  I quite resent being compared with that poster.

Thank you, I do hope I can get some more helpful responses. It's difficult for me to get straightforward answers on this topic from my husband because I think he feels torn between his wife's expectations, his family's expectations and his own expectations of himself.

I too don't understand the whole working away form home and family thing. . . .

If I'm willing to relocate to another country so I ca be be with my spouse, I'd expect the same in return.

One way to look at could be "alleged" link between material wealth and success and the perfect life. I suppose couples who agree to this kind of arrangement want the best of both worlds. . . really doesnt make sense to me but it has become widespread especially with young girls. is now something of a status symbol to have a husband who lives half way around the world (some kind of marriage  )

In a case where its about getting a degree or going on a course or sumthin that I can understand. but "living" permanently away from your family, i don't understand.

A case can be made that the guy probably isnt settled enough to have his family over, again, this makes no sense to me, why not wait till you're ready to have a wife over before u marry or wait till u can get a proper job before u move to whatever country? This is me ranting but Its definitely not part of our culture but a recent trend that doesnt help our already decaying family values.

amber_ella:

straightforward answers on this topic from my husband because I think he feels torn between his wife's expectations, his family's expectations and his own expectations of himself.

that is a valid point.
Unfortunately many people do it for many reasons and it could be that he feels the pressure to achieve whatever standard his peers are imposing consiously or unconsiously. Lets face it, Nigerian men, especially have huge egos and underachievemnt comes most especially in the form of not being able to properly provide for your family. Many nigerian wives put up with this arrangement, so i expect u shd get used to it too (in as much as i hate to tell u to )

HR.hotness:

that is a valid point.
Unfortunately many people do it for many reasons and it could be that he feels the pressure to achieve whatever standard his peers are imposing consiously or unconsiously. Lets face it, Nigerian men, especially have huge egos and underachievemnt comes most especially in the form of not being able to properly provide for your family. Many nigerian wives put up with this arrangement, so i expect u should get used to it too (in as much as i hate to tell u to )

We have discussed this and decided that we won't do it anymore. I believe him, since he is a man of his word.

His family has high expectations of him. His father wants to do business with him in Nigeria. If that's what we decide to do, then I will stay in Nigeria. We will both make sacrifices. I know it will be difficult for his family to understand why I'm not more independent. But after 20 years, when they see that I've been a faithful, devoted wife and mother for all those years, I'm sure they won't be complaining!

amber_ella:

 For that reason, if I want to understand my husband and his family, I should go to his people for answers, no?

Yeah, but wont it be much better and probably more productive if U talk to the parents of ur spouse. Parents of spouses in Nigeria most of the time help out in cases like this. People frown at divorces back home so the parent s would try all they can to reduce the strains in the marriages of thier kids. And since U said U are very close and friendly with them, I wan to believe they would be a better resource to tap into than coming opn a public forum where there are diverse opinions, motives and upbringing.

.

amber_ella:

I want anonymous responses because I don't want to offend anyone. I can't go to my inlaws and say "you people seem so materialistic, putting money before the family"!! How rude and disrespectful would that be?! I don't even feel comfortable to ask a friend my age.

LMAO.

Maybe I am naive but I want to believe there are more tactful ways to say these things

amber_ella:

I want anonymous responses because I don't want to offend anyone. I can't go to my inlaws and say "you people seem so materialistic, putting money before the family"!! How rude and disrespectful would that be?! I don't even feel comfortable to ask a friend my age. There's not really any way you can put that and sound nice.

Also, this isn't so much an argument between my husband and I. As I stated, we have come to our own compromise on the issue. It's more about me understanding his brother, friends and other family.

Like you said earlier, it has more to do with 'expectations'. It has less to do with culture (which is very family oriented), and more to do with fear, fear of ever encountering the 'rough' times he may have had as an immigrant initially. I'm not sure there is any way around it, cuz I think he may be right in some ways. There's just going to have to be compromises both ways.

.

Hmmmn, this one is hot.
One cannot be comprehensive enough on this issue, lets try taking it in snippets.
Ours is a culture of fast-eroding values. The Nigeria that I know, that I live in, is one in which culture has been relegated to the background. In the original African setting, family is everything. Today however, there is a difference, I would like to call it a 'generational shift' of ideas/values/fad, whatever.

My Nigeria has become a place where unneccessary emphasis is placed on what one possesses, or what position one occupies. Respect and honour is according to the size of one's material possession or how high up his position is.So a lot of us try making more, achieving more, nudging higher. As someone who leaves his family for 2wks of every month, it is hard for me admitting to this problem. But, this is by no means exclusive to Nigeria. We are just a small part of a materialitc- driven world contributting it's share

Because Nigerian men are born Pussy Treasure hunters!

A disease that has no cure.  When they are sick of pussies, they start searching for the anuses of other men to stick their shitty deeks into and back to more pussies!




Like most have pointed out here. . . not a Nigerian thing really.  But Nigerians are the worst culprits.  The men are bonafide "pussy" sniffers and hunters.

To accomplish this sordid task. . . they definitely have to spend time away from home.  Wives are only meant to "breed" kids not to be loved and to spend time with.

Please accept your fate.  On the bright side of things. . .they phock very well with good lessons!

.

This is a serious issue that is fast becoming a trend.The wives like it cos they get more freedom, more spending money(if she is not working) .At the long run you end up becoming strangers with your partner and a nuisance to your children.
The diffrence btw us and the parents of before is, there utmost priority is ther children(family), while for us its to keep up with the joneses

Amber I know lots of ladies that live away from their husbands and vice versa in particularly one lady allowed her husband to go to somewhere like the Ukraine to study medicine for two years! she actually lives in London and him in Ukraine among the most beautiful women in the world his wife is a doctor herself and doesnt care where he is really. I work with a lady whose husband moved back to Nigeria and she stayed in europe. They still remain married. This was something that also puzzled me and still does actually. I suppose its all down to money. Personally, I dont see the point, how can you be still married when you havnt even slept in the same bed for years. Let alone cope with the 'secret children' he may have made while away! worse again the many STDs out there! God no!

Xiomarra you are brilliant! you always got me laffin!

amber_ella:

@Xiomarra

You seem to have had some bad experiences with Nigerian men, and for that I'm sorry.

I would never accept a fate like that. IF I ever found myself married to a man like that, I wouldn't stick around for even a week.

Which bad experience?   I am telling you that that is how God created them and you are talking of bad experiences? I have not had any bad experiences please. . . .I handle them well. . . in the only language they understand. . . "KRASE"!  Period!



Look at what you wrote up there and I quote:

Topic: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families  (Read 170 views) 
amber_ella (f)
Canada
Posts: 78

Offline

  Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families
« on: May 30, 2008, 01:51 AM » 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've joined this forum in the hopes of getting some insight into my husband's culture and background.

There is something that seems common in Nigerian culture which seems very strange to me.  Perhaps you folks can help me understand it better.

It seems common for men to be away from their families for extended periods of time.  We have many friends who are African men and have wives back in Nigeria (we are in North America).  They are sometimes apart for several years.

Also, my husband's brother is expecting his first child any day now, and he is moving to Nigeria this fall.  He will leave his wife and child in the US.  After a couple of years the wife and child hope to join him in Nigeria.

We are friends with another couple who have only been married for 2 years, are expecting their first child shortly, and the man plans to spend several month in another African country while his wife goes back home to live with her mother and take care of the child.


I guess it's a very sensitive topic for me because my husband also talks about leaving us here and going back to work in Nigeria.  He's always said he plans to travel alot for work and to be away from the family.  Recently, we were apart for a couple of month while I took care of our baby and he was schooling elsewhere. 

He couldn't understand why I found this arrangement unacceptable, since he was doing it to better himself and work toward our future.  On the other hand, I think it's unfair for him to ask me to take care of our child alone, and to be away from him.  I trust him but there is always temptation to be unfaithful and it seems that nearly all of our friends who are apart from their spouses do end up cheating.  (This is not a Nigerian thing, of course, I've seen this as a trend across cultures.)  Why risk that?  Shouldn't family be a priority?  Don't children need both parents to be around? 

I also want to note that my husband could hardly bear being away from us and has recently changed his mind and promised that we would never be apart like that again.  I guess my attitudes are rubbing off on him.  So anyway, I'm not here to complain about my husband or to ask for relationship advice.  We need to find a compromise that works for us.  I'm simply here to try to get some understanding of his culture.)

Also, my husband and his siblings were basically raised in a boarding school from a very young age.  They only spent holidays wth their families.  When my husband was a baby, both his mother and father lived in another city while he lived with a friend of the family.  This was because his father was a businessman and his mother was studying.  I know that it hurts him deeply to this day.  I cannot imagine leaving my child.  I'm not trying to judge your culture because, in fact, I love his parents very deeply.  They mean the worlld to me and we can even say that I feel closer to them than to my own family.  They are good people with strong family values. 

Please, I would appreciate any insight you can offer.

Thank you in advance.

You are very lucky you were able to cage that your husband where he belongs.  I would definitely do the same.  Most of these "so called businessmen" would leave their families for months to go and start other families outside while you remain married "in name only"!

If your husband had succeeded in letting you deal with the pre-separation "Modus Operandi", you could as well kiss him goodbye.  I will never allow such a marriage of long distance convenience.  Of course family is more important.

But like you noted, it is the norm for most Nigerian men especially to live "nomadic" lives in search of "greener" pastures.  Thereby sacrificing the integrity of the marriage and family set up for their own selfish motives.

I say thank your stars.  That dude would have been phocking like a mad dog in Nigeria with all those "night bus" ladies!


_{E be like say dem don lock that night bus ashewo thread!}

Leilah:

Xiomarra you are brilliant! you always got me laffin!

he he he he he he.

Leilah baby, you sure you did not start this thread with a new ID.

Nairaland don teach oyinbo pickin 499!

You go girl!

anyone else care to add?

I really appreciate everyone's responses. very insightful!

Yes especially those that feels that they have cash, today they in this country tomorrow in another state with there mistress