Mum Z :
Sad story, dnt likey. Sorry 4 ur loss. Like sme1 said, u ll av 2 work on ur tense. Weldone. D arabic phrase "Allah we cme 4rm n 2 Him we ll return" is used 4 d dead, nt as an exclamation. 4 exclamations most times we say d arabic phrase 4,"I seek refuge in Allah 4rm all d antics of d devil", "allhamdullilai" or "Allahu akbar" dependn on wat news we r reacting2. 1ce again kudos, look 4wrd 2 ur nxt story. Hpefully it won't brng a tear 2 my eyes.

underage:

Thanks Mum Z. But as I said (from Allah we are and to him we shall return) can also be as an exclamation especially on hearing bad news as Allah has said in the. Holy Quran surah 2 verse 106 (I hope you don't mind checking it up )while Alhamdulillah and Allahu Akbar (We thank Allah and Allah is great respectively) are used to praise Allah especially during happy moments, if u could read thru the story once more, I believe u'll understand why my mum (in one case) exclaimed such. Sorry abt the tear

Mum Z :


Ok noted, mayb its cos I'm used 2 seeing it on funeral annoucemts n invites. We most use "Ahusubillahi mina shaitan ragihum" (pardon my spellings)4 sad or bad occurences.

underage:

R u Nigerian?

Mum Z :


Full" blooded", born n bred in Nigeria, still in Nigeria. Y do u ask?

harlos: *sights*
Allah knows best.


Nice story from you underage.

Though i'm not used to reading long stories but i did this one and enjoyed it. Kudos.

May his soul rest in peace.

harlos:

underage:

Watch out for my next story soon

underage: "He sure needs your help", the strange caller responded.

Earlier in the day,I have been ( tense confusion. The subsequent sentence is in past tense ) feeling kind of strange, acting wierd and worrying over nothing in particular. My face was gloomy and I hardly paid attention to anything because my mind was carried away thinking of Basheer. I was that kind of a person who finds it hard to hide my feelings. I was always lively, you can call me a talkative who knows when and where to talk. (More inconsistencies) People always say I am smart complimenting with the way I handle situations.(Complimenting me on or complimenting the way??) I had the ability to remain calm even at the most difficult situations.
( the whole paragraph is fraught with tense inconsistencies. Consider revising )

At the age of 19, I have grown into a young woman, matured both in looks and mind. I was dark, slim and tall having curves at the right places. I had beautiful bright eyes, a pointed nose and well-shaped lips, I was indeed beautiful. ) (Tense inconsistency)

Basheer was my best friend, almost the same age as I was, a guy I have known right from my childhood.(A semi-colon should separate the two sentences) Owing to the fact we are both fulanis, he was also tall, biult (built?? Slimly built? Heavily built? What kind of build? When giving descriptions, keep it in mind that we are painting pictures with words so that we the readers can visualise what the writer is describing. It is therefore imperative that we be as clear as possible.) and had a very cute face,(a period, not a comma should follow since its a different thought you are expressing, hence, 'he' should be a capital letter) he was one of those lucky handsome and nice guys

"I would never get tired of staring at your face", I usually tease him.
(past tense. I usually teased him.)

There was something unique about Basheer, he was always smiling. He was patient, a very good listener and knew how to make a girl smile. Those qualities in him kept our friendship alive even after so many years.

"Are you there"?, the strange caller interrupted my thoughts
"Yeah", I answered rather absent-mindedly.
"Where is he now"? I asked
"The pinnacle hospital", he replied and went on "I guess you know where that is" (seperate the dialogue lines)

"Are you there"?, the strange caller interrupted my thoughts

"Yeah", I answered rather absent-mindedly.

"Where is he now"? I asked

"The pinnacle hospital", he replied and went on. "I guess you know where that is"

Ishilove: I bolded the last sentences because I was trying the illustrate the ideal line spacing when writing dialogue. You jammed the lines together so I separated them. Spacing them makes it easier for the reader to follow.

When writing, stick to one form of tense. If you want to write in present continous, stick to it. If past, stick to it. Switching and mixing them up is wrong and makes your writing look amateurish.

For example:

"Earlier in the day,I have been feeling kind of strange, acting wierd and worrying over nothing in particular. My face was gloomy and I hardly paid attention to anything because my mind was carried away thinking of Basheer. I was that kind of a person who finds it hard to hide my feelings. I was always lively, you can call me a talkative who knows when and where to talk.

This is how it is supposed to read:

Earlier in the day, I had been feeling kind of strange, acting weird and worrying over nothing in particular. My face was gloomy and I hardly paid attention to anything because my mind was carried away thinking of Basheer. I was that kind of a person who found it hard to hide my feelings. I was always lively; you could call me a talkative who knows when and where to talk.

You will notice I used past tense because I am giving a despcription of my temperament. I didn't switch from past to present, then back again. I was consistent.

Nice intro, by the way

underage:

Thanks so much Ishilove, with people like you going through my works, it'll be great. I really appreciate it. May God continue to bless you with these talents, ameen. I hope u'll be here for me next time. Thanks once again

Ishilove:
Amen!!! And you too

underage:

I hope to know you better; people like you inspire me

Ishilove:
I am glad lil ol' me inspires you. All thanks be to God. You have it in you. Consistency and hardwork will see you being the best of the best

MacT33: I got to see your work through this: https://www.nairaland.com/1466615/most-painful-death-loved-one/1
I could not afford to have pass by this thread,after reading,without attesting to the fact that U're a good writer. Accept my sympathy @ Ur frnd Basheer...May he rest in Peace...

Miracy:
...sooo touching!i couldnt help myself withold the lil tears that came dripping on my face...

I wonder why death takes away our loved one without an opportunity to say goodbye...

May the soul of your friend rest in perfect peace!!


kudos to this great work,you’re a great writer;its in you...i can see you excel in it...
i really admire your qualities and i wish to be like you someday...



BTW,you’re Nai’mah or....

underage:

Thnx and ameen to ur prayers .
Yes I am Na'imah

lola_bridget: Wow Madan underage, this is anoda wonderfull story. So sorry for ur friend

Candis009: Y did I read it n d nyt?
Y did u(underage) av to take tears 4rm my eyes tonyt?

Wallahi,I felt my h@ constrict n d tears fell freely...


Ya Rabb

Jhymrod: Sorry for your lost ma'm,may Allah grant him Aljannah Firdous.