chineloSA:
See, the best person to understand my predicament is Annie Macaulay - Idibia.
Make I pick up the phone and call her.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU LOTS.

MY DECISION WILL BE WISER. YOU WILL GET MY UPDATE IN FUTURE.

Goodluck chineloSA, hope whatever decision you take work well for you

Hey guys and funnyx

Thank you all for your advises. The last time I was on this thread I was more confused and guilty, Not about my feelings for my partner, but, if the man I could be about to marry was married in the eyes of God, thereby committing a sin.

I had to breakdown my strategy into mini strategies and one of them is to seek the advice of the church that will likely marry us ( Parish Priest ) .

Well, since my partner and I are both staunch Catholics, I had to get the views of the church, on whether staying together with the ex-babymama and having kids without marriage amount to wife.

According to the church, before we prepare for marriage classes, the Parish Priest will have to do some checks on whether both of us are not married according to the Catholic Church. If one of us was married and the marriage was never nullified on the basis of ( death of the spouse or nullity according to the church ), then we will not be free to marry.

Well the answer is NO, COHABITATION AND HAVING KIDS IT DOES NOT AMOUNT TO MARRIAGE.

It was the woman and my partners decision to cohabit thereby BOTH committing fornication, and that has nothing to do with me.

According to the church there was never any marriage, so we are both free. Just got a report from my parish priest

Again culturally, there was never any introduction done for her I also gather that the babymama has moved on.


MY NEXT STEP IS ATTENDING MARRIAGE CLASSES.

Apparently, its like marriage counselling. It will give us an opportunity to uncover things that could be red flags if we do decide to proceed into marriage.
What I also like about it is that, we can still both pull out after counselling if we discover things that cant work for both of us.

As for the introduction and paying of the "BRIDE PRICE", it will have to wait until the end our marriage classes.

Wish me LUCK

Thanks alot.

You are dealing with a very ungodly and irresponsible man (he brough TWO human beings into this world and he is messing around without any plan for them - By his actions, he is bringing so much confusion and pain for the next generation) and are asking for a counsel that only God or a person with godly authority over you can give you. You may be living in a fantasy romance-filled world because of holiday, sex, and pre-commitment feeling you have for each other, but when all fizzle out, your experience will not be different from those of the other lady (and will be worse).

Ma'am the best thing is to fundamentally change your way and allow Christ into your life, and you know that is the right thing to do. Anything less is a big gamble with your life, future and destiny and men will continue to play you around because you havent established you worth.

Any man/woman in a poor spiritual state will always make wrong marriage decisions to be regretted in the future. This is a fact established from history past.
In all you wrote, there is no evidence of God in them, all about lust, feeling, vacation ( I am sure the other lady went through this roller coaster) etc and every things about that relationship is so flawed to the core.

I am not meant to be harsh to you, but just want to tell you the raw truth. So dont think I am judging you, but look at it like I want the best for you even if you disagree with me.

God bless you as you do the right thing!!

EBK2: You are dealing with a very ungodly and irresponsible man (he brough TWO human beings into this world and he is messing around without any plan for them - By his actions, he is bringing so much confusion and pain for the next generation) and are asking for a counsel that only God or a person with godly authority over you can give you. You may be living in a fantasy romance-filled world because of holiday, sex, and pre-commitment feeling you have for each other, but when all fizzle out, your experience will not be different from those of the other lady (and will be worse).

Ma'am the best thing is to fundamentally change your way and allow Christ into your life, and you know that is the right thing to do. Anything less is a big gamble with your life, future and destiny and men will continue to play you around because you havent established you worth.

Any man/woman in a poor spiritual state will always make wrong marriage decisions to be regretted in the future. This is a fact established from history past.
In all you wrote, there is no evidence of God in them, all about lust, feeling, vacation ( I am sure the other lady went through this roller coaster) etc and every things about that relationship is so flawed to the core.

I am not meant to be harsh to you, but just want to tell you the raw truth. So dont think I am judging you, but look at it like I want the best for you even if you disagree with me.

God bless you as you do the right thing!!

Thanks for your honest opinion. Don't worry, about being harsh. I was expecting anything when I started spreading my personal matters on Nairaland.

Someone quoted one time that
" No one is perfect in this world, if you always avoid people for their mistakes, you will be alone in this world. because everyone is imperfect"

I do not want a perfect man, because I am also not perfect. I am as imperfect myself and I have done things that I am also not proud of, but by Gods grace, not that I deserve his grace, he protected me and changed me. Some of the things that I have done in the past, I cannot thank God enough. ( feeling emotional ) I have shared some of my imperfections with Mr Chinelo, and he judged me less.

When I was growing up and being critical of other peoples mistakes my mother used to say " If you think the person is bad, do you have a dustbin/trashcan for bad people, so we can get rid of them. If you continue to show any person, Gods love, they can be better people."

She would continue to quote different verses in the bible. One that comes to mind is a " Prostitute who offered Jesus water, when he was thirsty" Did the woman deserve the worst husband because of her history?

As for allegedly his money, I have met and have as we speak better suitors than him, in all aspects ( including money, history, baggage ) , but I do not love them. Its no use playing with their hearts. The marriage would definitely head for disaster.
I am quiet matured to do that mistake. Past has been my best teacher in that aspect. But then there are things I love in a man that involves his money, that is "being spoiled" as I also spoil my partner. Is there something wrong with wanting a partner who spoils you?

The truth of the matter is, when people are younger, they sometimes make mistakes ( multiple intimate partners, babies, choosing partners based on material, abortion etc ), those mistakes stay with them for the rest of their lives. Because they did UnGodly mistakes Do they now deserve to be permanent outcasts from the society because they were unGodly?? He made those mistakes, together with his ex partner, all I need to find out is, " has he realised his mistake and is he willing to change?? How is he planning to make it up to the kids"

Sometimes, you can meet a man with no kids, but sucks ( excuse my french). So I cannot settle for a man with bad character, because he does not have kids. Or " evidence that will prove that he was once unGodly"

The fact is we have all been unGodly, its just that some of us were never left with obvious consequences as evidence.
Most of us have been intimate ( some with more than 10 partner before turning 25 ) , but we were fortunate enough not to conceive ( to show for it ) Basically the deed was the same, but the consequences are different.

Am I worse than someone who marries a divorcee??
Am I worse than someone who decides to marry a former prostitute
Am I worse than a woman who aborted and wanting something good for heself

The fact is in the eyes of God if the above mentioned people decide to change, they may enter Gods Kingdom faster than yourself. My God does not use human standards but his standards, which no one understand, not even Pope and Pastors.

"Ma'am the best thing is to fundamentally change your way and allow Christ into your life, and you know that is the right thing to do"
Not to be rude or something, you sound like you attend one of those pentecostal churches, aren't you. I find those people to be extremely judgemental and to be hypocritical at times, that I sometime prefer Atheists and AntiChrist to them .

All I am saying is, we all make mistakes and If we are willing to change and do things right, then we deserve as second chance. That is the God I serve. A God of second chances.

I understand your concern, just like anyone will advice anyone against marrying, Ex - prostitute, Ex - offender/ convict , Ex - 419 etc.

Are you perfect?? Are you Godly as per the standard you impose on other people How will you feel if you are judged based on your past mistakes


As I said above, we are still going to go for marriage classes/ counselling to start pretty soon, which will put things into perspective for both of us. I am also praying in my Catholic way, so I know God will guide me in my decision.

Judge yourself by all the points in your original remarks. If you think this man has changed, if you think you and your kid will not end up like the baby mama and her kids, if you think that the two kids are not going to come back and be an issue, if you think that a man that brought two kids into the world and abandoned them should be your husband and finally, if you think that you will have a happy marriage knowing this man and all about him, then go ahead. Pls note, don't count the counselling for anything. You have made up your mind before that counsel or even coming to seek advice in NL. The fundamentals are utterly flawed purely because you crossed a line with him before checking him out and your decision ability is weakened because of how far you went with him before now.
My suggestion is that you seek a wise counsel preferably from the closest male figure in your life eg dad, brother uncle etc and follow your heart which appears to differ with your head at the moment. Pls don't hide behind the guise of imperfection and judgement and get this wrong. Marriage is not a joke and if you get it wrong, that's a big chunk of your life gone and a huge price you don't want pay. Get a wise counsel ma'am.

EBK2: Judge yourself by all the points in your original remarks. If you think this man has changed, if you think you and your kid will not end up like the baby mama and her kids, if you think that the two kids are not going to come back and be an issue, if you think that a man that brought two kids into the world and abandoned them should be your husband and finally, if you think that you will have a happy marriage knowing this man and all about him, then go ahead. Pls note, don't count the counselling for anything. You have made up your mind before that counsel or even coming to seek advice in NL. The fundamentals are utterly flawed purely because you crossed a line with him before checking him out and your decision ability is weakened because of how far you went with him before now.
My suggestion is that you seek a wise counsel preferably from the closest male figure in your life eg dad, brother uncle etc and follow your heart which appears to differ with your head at the moment. Pls don't hide behind the guise of imperfection and judgement and get this wrong. Marriage is not a joke and if you get it wrong, that's a big chunk of your life gone and a huge price you don't want pay. Get a wise counsel ma'am.

Loud and clear. Thanks

I hope it goes well with you. I don't underestimate the challenge you are facing and sorry if I came across harsh or judgemental. That wasn't the intention and it doesn't benefit my to do so. I was giving you my objective assessment based on your initial remarks.
This is not something you can handle alone. Since you still have so many questions, doubts and lack of peace about this move, I suggest you suspend all plans and spend some bit of time talking to God and close male relations of yours until you feel the peace in you for the next steps. You can't go wrong if you do these two things.
All the best.

EBK2: I hope it goes well with you. I don't underestimate the challenge you are facing and sorry if I came across harsh or judgemental. That wasn't the intention and it doesn't benefit my to do so. I was giving you my objective assessment based on your initial remarks.
This is not something you can handle alone. Since you still have so many questions, doubts and lack of peace about this move, I suggest you suspend all plans and spend some bit of time talking to God and close male relations of yours until you feel the peace in you for the next steps. You can't go wrong if you do these two things.
All the best.

You will be surprised that I take all Nairaland advises not with a pinch size. I take all advises serious. There is nothing personal for me, I don't know about you. You did not come across as harsh at all. You only came across as judgemental, which is fine, because the reason why I opened a thread is obviously to get objective judgements somehow

As I said we still have to go for marital counselling/ classes, which normally takes no less than 6 months, so I still have a lot of time on my hands to ponder through things. I have suspended introduction so the ''supposedly engagement " is our secret until marriage classes are done. ( lucky my family is far). All other benefits still stand

As for male family, honestly, they are a no go area. They are very very protective of me. So whatever I tell them they become very subjective, controlling and overprotective. I think they have certain very high expectations of me which are totally the opposite to my expectation

Then again they have been trying to kind of hook me with man I have no interest in for a very long time. It can be really emotionally suffocating, hence Nairaland was the best and perhaps objective platform for me.

Prayer has been my source of strength, but now God doesn't communicate in voices but in action

I appreciate all your criticism etc. No matter what my outcome I will communicate to the people on this thread and thank them for their efforts and advice. thanks a ton.

chineloSA: Guys, I need an honest opinion. A few years back ( 3yrs back to be precise ) I met met this wonderful person, but not perfect person( who is perfect anyways ) , that I love. We started dating and everything was good. Initially, He didnt tell me about his kids that he had with a woman that he was engaged to but not married to. I got furious after finding out ( through facebook of cause ) that he had two kids (around 6yrs and 4yrs) with the woman in question, nevertheless we talked about it though not thouroughly and I forgave him.
It turned out that him and the babymama were cohabiting out of Nigeria ( in Italy ) and they had two kids together. When we met, in hindsight It is now clear that him and the babymama were not really over. Nonetheless, when he met, he moved to the UK, and left the babymama in Italy for reasons know to him ( looks like he was trying to end their relationship). After two years in the UK, he is back in Nigeria running his own business( which is doing pretty well ) . In all these years we were communicating perfectly and he would visit me though I never visited him while out of the country ( Nigeria), but I have visited him while in Naija and there was nothing that made me suspect anything. I have not met his kids, since they are with their mother in Italy, but I have met his family

Anyways, fastforward>>>>>>>>>>> the guy has proposed. I am just so confused and uncomfortable with the proposal, reason being
1. Since he lied initially and didnt tell me about the kids, I do not think that I managed to gain confidence and trust him again.
2. After all these years, I now think that its not fair for the baby mama to be dumped just like that and be left with two kids.Though I do not have full knowledge of what happened and I dont wanna know
3. I am the selfless type and I feel that God will judge me in my marriage if I do not convince him to go back to the babymama.
4. I am not convinced that him and the babymama are on the same page with regards to their relationship. ( The babymama still wants him with her whole being.
5. I am not convinced that I will have peace in my marriage when there is a woman sulking at the side for being left with two kids and whom they were angaged to each other
6. I think I am the " ALL OR NOTHING'' type, I am not sure if I can handle a man with such baggage.

By the ways, I do not have kids of my own, and I am not in a rush.

My partner is loving, caring, spoils me, brother, friend, good listener, provider, intelligent, funny, doesn't smoke or drink, likes travelling ( he has taken me to different vacations and we have three more coming soon, we also share the same religion and more

He is also, selfish sometimes, lies sometimes and a bit harsh at times,repeats same mistakes that were previously addressed but does have the descency to apologise

As much as he IS good he is also imperfect just as much as I am.

I asked him to give me time to think about his proposal. He will be expecting me to tell him on our next planned vacation coming in November where I have chosen three destinations courtesy of him.

I do not wanna to hurt him and neither I do not want to raise his hope, at the same time I am a bit unsure because of my points stated above.

I dont want to regret for any decision made though decision are always not perfect. I need your input just to weigh my options.

PLEASE ADVICE

ANY INSULTS, I AM READY TO SLAP YOUR FACE

Now you have listed all the guy's shortcomings, have u ever thought of your of own shortcomings? Why do think that ur checklist is OK and acceptable to the man?

adconline:

Now you have listed all the guy's shortcomings, have u ever thought of your of own shortcomings? Why do think that ur checklist is OK and acceptable to the man?

If you read what you quoted me on,i did acknowledge that I have shortcomings. Though I did not list them. I did not say I am an angel hence I am slack on judgement.

Besides, I am the one who is evaluating him against my standards. He has to meet my standards.

Nonetheless he is also at liberty to evaluate me against his standards. For now, its me assessing him against my standards, i don't see anything wrong with that

All the best Chinelo and apologies for coming across as judgemental. That wasn't my intention. Your best safeguards still remain prayer and wise counsel.
Take care.

Heeey guys, Its been long since I opened this thread. As I promised to give feedback on the progress, I will do exactly that.

Well, we were booked for marriage classes and fortunately we got good marriage counsellors,who drilled sense in our heads and made us discuss perhaps issue which were of controvesial nature to us.

We had so many issue that when we started dissection each and evry one of those issues, I felt that the best way was for us to go our own seperate ways.

Well its was hard in the beggining, especially thinking that I waisted three years of my time. But it proved to be a better choice than future divorce.

I honestly respect the Catholic church with regards to the way they do marriage preparation. Fortunately my counsellor was a Catholic priest who has been sitting in marriage tribunals that assess if couples are elligible for anulment or not. He really made sense to us.
It was a five day course which really knocked me down with vital information.

Thanks a lot for your concern and contributions .
@EBK2, adconline, funnyx. Thanks a ton.

I have good news, though I will share with you when the time is right.