Mazi_Omenuko: Abu Mikey

You've got the illustrative skills. If illustrative skills is the only criteria for nominations, then I would nominate your work a hundred and one times. But its lacking in other areas.

Your work looks unorganized. Your punctuation was irregular and the regular use of quotations created a bumpy read.
Example; instead of representing all parts of a conversation in quotations, you can include them in the body of your work.
Example: Instead of...

"Jesus!!!!!"
Mr.Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had, "honey,what's wrong?" Ojo's wife asked.
"I had a terrible dream" Ojo responded

Why not...

"Jesus", Mr Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had. His wife asked what was wrong and he informed her he just had a terrible dream.

You get my point? That way, the reading is smooth and continuous; rather than having unnecessary breakages.

I can recall you saying you were yet to put down a story even few hours to deadline. I thought you were joking, but when I read your work, I knew it wasn't a joke. It looked rushed.

Mazi_Omenuko: Ruby spice

Your work looks to me like a long poem rather than a short story. The content is a bit poor; there were just two characters, maybe three; a man, his love and an orange tree. You should have taken more time out to develop the characters fully for us to understand the bond created by love between the two.

Since there were no much plots, characters and scenes, there was nothing much to expect from the organization therein. The tense was irregular and the story sounded monotonic. However, I commend your spacing, paragraphing and order of presentation.

Its always difficult to illustrate stories in the first person singular. This has been my method of writing ever since I started writing; and its always difficult. There were areas you would have ventured into if you weren't illustrating in the first person singular. I will give you an instance;

If you had written your work from a narrative perspective, you would have included paragraphs like:

Lora looked confused as she stared at her dad on the sick bed. The doctors had refused further treatment, insisting on an initial deposit of £12. But where will the money come from? There are 6 more mouths to be fed at the house, an angry landlord awaiting his rent and an ageing mum to carter for.
Her thoughts drifted towards Chief Adebayo. He seemed to be the only solution to the present crises; but how will she explain to her love that she must be married to the Chief? How will he understand? He must be waiting for her under the mango tree, singing sweet melodies of love songs...

You see what I mean? By choosing to base your narration on the first person singular, there's no way the narrator will know what is going on in the mind and life of Lora.

However, you have a nice background story, it only needed lots of development from different perspectives.

Mazi_Omenuko: T-flow

you flowed effortlessly like you were born to write. The fact that you still used the difficult first-person singular to narrate your work made it more endearing to my heart: its same style I adopted in my writings.

One big advantage you have is that you used real plots and scenes, so its easy for the reader to comprehend; it was actually easier to imagine the entire plot like you painted it. Choosing the uniLag scene won ishilove over. I don't know if it was a calculated attempt, but I'm sure you will have her vote for the finals.

I was almost praying that your story wouldn't come to an end. You've got talent bros, and I can't wait to see you at the next round.

Mazi_Omenuko: Numero uuno

Your story, journey to greatness was a real journey. Within 2,500 words, you told about a child upbringing, his secondary school and university days, still managed to put a happy ending and a touching footer.

I kept imagining where we're headed to as I read your work. Seems you were trying out a biography within the limited allocation of 2,500 words. You ended up doing a rush-rush work, with no depth.

If you intend to write more often, you have to catch your audience. I read where a judge speculated that it was difficult reading some stories after the first paragraph. Its a general trait for most readers. They don't have that patients to skim through your work, waiting patiently for that happy ending. You have to keep them spell-bound, else, they will ignore your work halfway.

There is always room for improvement, and I believe you will improve greatly.

Mazi_Omenuko: Plainmirror

I love adventures, and your work was a good one. You wrote with confidence and I liked that. However, I have to point out a little bit of this bump in your work. The occasional use of brackets to indicate side comments or buttress a point doesn't just do it for me. Check out this paragraph of yours;

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], I banked my money myself. During ‘break’ periods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys [girls inclusive atymes] and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy].

In just one paragraph, you have three of such speed breakers! It doesn't make for an easy read as it distracts the reader from the main work. I love smooth rides when I'm reading.

Your adventure was fun, and you presented it in such a way that the reader would want to jump to the next paragraph to find out what happened next; that's the element of suspense.

Mazi_Omenuko: Royver

Your story was classic! The first line was perfectly fashioned in such a way to introduce the reader to a promising tale of endless suspense.

Your descriptive prowess is awesome; I could almost picture the akara balls frying in the hot oil. You were also able to give a clue about the old woman's poor background and almost miserable life and still not deviate from the title of the story.

However, I made a little observation. The continuous use of 'She' to start sentences close to each other somehow dulled the reading.

Example: instead of...

She sighed and inspected the bean cakes again. She decided that this would be the last batch. She brought them out of the fire and proceeded to scatter the firewood, allowing the flames to die slowly. She waited for the oil to cool then gently poured it into the container.

We can have something like this;

She sighed and inspected the bean cakes again and decided that this would be the last batch.

You get the drift?

Never believed I would be rooting for a horror story. Yours was a perfect blend of horror, thriller and suspense. Trust me, if you can pull up such a story in the next round, you'll definitely be the contender to beat.

Mazi_Omenuko: Bestluv584

I am forced to believe that you didn't put your best in this work. Your presentation was too casual, you made lots of typographical errors, you used some informal writing techniques like using '2' for 'to'.

You didn't care much about spacing and paragraphs, neither did you bother developing your plots.

Your story reminds me of those tales by moonlight stories on national tv.

Mazi_Omenuko: Sammy Hoe

It took me a great deal of energy to read your work. This is not unconnected to the numerous dosages of grammar found only in oxford dictionary of advanced english. Trust me, you don't need people reading your work with a dictionary by their side; its a joy-kill.

Your adventure was well planned and well delivered. It had a foreign setting and plot that left me wondering who your intended audience was; obviously not we the judges nor the fans reading your work here at Nairaland either.

You will make a great author writing for foreign tabloids.

By-the-way; I had to google your work to confirm its originality. I saw a work with the same title at amazon. Couldn't open it, but my instincts told me it could be a coincidence, so I let it be.

Mazi_Omenuko: Nuges11

Nice story. The flair of delivery was awesome, the illustration was delivered in a plain and simple manner. It was easy to read, fun and entertaining. Apart from the dream scene, you were still able to create more scenes like the Omenuko Grammar school, the neighborhood etc.

It was rich in characters, plots and scenes, at a point, I was scared you would mix them all up and make the story complicated; but you didn't.

I enjoyed your story, and I'm pretty sure the audience did also, as seen in the number of 'Likes' you garnered.

Inasmuch as you were able to string together all the characters you created, it would have been better if you had kept it simple. I didn't see the need for the first paragraph - The Manutd vs Barca dream. However funny it was, it definitely didn't play an active part in your story.

You've got it in you.

Mazi_Omenuko: Nastydroid

Check the recommendations I made for
Abu Mikey and
Always put paragraphs in your work, it makes for an easy read.

The first paragraph in a story matters a lot. You have to put some essence of the story into your first paragraph so the reader will have the suspense needed to read your work.

Example; from your work, it would have been fun if you included a statement like:

Encountering armed robbers while on the road is not a funny experience. I experienced such on my way to Akure and I almost fainted right inside the bus.

Gerrit?

HumbledbYGrace: O
THE MAN WITHIN

By Miss Fibre


Great fantasy piece, but when I read fantasy, I expect suspense, a theme that will catch my fancy. Work well plotted but the climax was not that fancy, it didn't move me at all, though the solution was ok. I guess it has to do with your theme in the first place.

A short story has to accomplish its purpose in relatively few words and sister you need to pull up your socks.

Spacing is on point, paragraphing is also great and your use of dialogue is superb, you just need to put more effort, and pay attention to plurals and singulars, also work on your punctuation.

HumbledbYGrace: MY TRAVEL ADVENTURE

Plainmirror



Great story, reminds me of a bus journey to mugai or something. Your work however shows that you do not read. Please read as much as you can because there is potential here. I stopped using the red line but you will see where your mistakes are when you compare your work with the edited one.

Your diction didn't catch my fancy, you clustered words together in one paragraph, you failed to put quotation marks in your dialogues, you failed to skip a line or atleast a new paragraph to indicate a change of speaker. Your work was confusing!!

One more thing, your epiphany got me, atleast you found a solution.

HumbledbYGrace: The haunted road

By Royver


Boy you are the bomb, I had to check you profile, but you don't have a lot here on nl right? I am your fan, I was hooked from the starting line to the last full stop. well done.

The antagonist got what was coming, foolish idiot, your description of the protagonist and the former was vivid and capturing. Pay attention to how you arrange your dialogue though, because it plays a major part in a story.

HumbledbYGrace: What lurks in the dark

WHAT LURKS IN THE DARK!
(2,500 words)
By kslib...
........
In Africa we have types of scary stories but I am yet to read a vampire story, even if its just in a dream. Pardon my ignorance but your work

All iz not well my brother.

Spacing, I was like this before. I submitted my script without spacing and it was among the ones that ended in a trash bin. I was told plainly if I want to make it in writing I should go and read first.

I guess the climax is when Mike was bitten on the neck right? Your pesuasion didn't really do it for me. Somethings need to be believeable, how can a guy, go to another guy's house because he couldn't sleep

Description; Madam Ishi's lessons have really paid off, I doff my head when it comes to her descriptive prowess. Good job there.

Dialogue, please google how to do right by it, you are still lacking.

Repetion of words, its a no, no in one paragraph. I believe you can do better if you put effort and READ.

HumbledbYGrace: Search for Mona lisa

Sammyhoe

Can I call you BigEnglish? Like the one in Iyawo Nylon bag?

Your work potrays what this competition is about, your a great craft-man because you crafted your story well, took your time to give me something that helped to increase the level of my vacab.

Good job but bear in mind that most times if a reader is reading for pleasure, when s/he gets too many big words clustered in a paragraph s/he looses interest in reading the whole thing.

HumbledbYGrace: SOON TO BE MRS ADEBAYO

Rubyspice



This my dear killed the whole story. You mixed tense in a way that disappointed me, because I loved your work. But you couldn't maintain the tense choice, that's why I advice people to always write in past tense when narrating. Its easier that way.

You could have been in my top five but just one paragraph and I couldn't overlook the mistake. Hope you do better next time.

HumbledbYGrace: PINKY SNICKETS: SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.


By Nuges11.


Romantic comedies always rank tops to me. Though you followed suit with the dream kinda thingy, which I had to admit got me yawning. You scored points with your prose, and you have already set high standards for yourself I hope you will maintain your position?

Please send me a link to your current story if there is any, your work makes me laugh which is good for my health.

HumbledbYGrace: A JOURNEY TO AKURE

By Nastydroid

My darling, go and read, actually if you want to make it in this wild, wild west, study literary works. Dialogue, a huge disaster. Plot, you did your homework and so was with the theme. The story was good but an epic failure in english literature.

HumbledbYGrace: <Two wrongs >

By Sambroose.

You know what killed this great African work? You have a great theme, great persuasion and a theme that catched my fancy but your ignorance ruined everything. Please study literary works, that will help in improving and on how to write a short story. I felt like I was reading a poem.

HumbledbYGrace: Dark Chocolate

By t-flow

You young man, got it all right, except the points you might have scored with madam Ishi. Great piece there, dark chocolata....just the way I like it.

The Journey to greatness.

By Numero

Touching story Numero, however try working on tense and dialogue.

Omolola1: THE MAN WITHIN
Miss_Fibre

I loved the theme of your story. The first paragraph alone caught me. In the first paragraph alone, you made your readers know the tragic occurrence that had befallen the character and so I wanted to read more. I loved your use of the English Language and your descriptive style is ALMOST Excellent.
Your use of paragraph is wonderful, the dialogue is also very clear and understandable.

However, the end of the story was a bit confusing. - - - Was Ezegamba dreaming from the start?
- Why did he want to question his creator if he was only dreaming?

The man was face-to-face with himself at the end of his journey, meaning the creator is man as pointed out in your story and he had his destiny in his hands, what then was the purpose of his journey, or rather, why did he embark on the journey? That aside, the message was clear and I liked it.

I really, honestly can't fault your story because the organization and the content of the story was well laid out. You just need to improve on your illustrative skills and punctuation. And yes! You write in a poetic kind of way, ever considered poetry?

For a short story and with a fantasy theme, you nailed it. If you qualify to the next round, try and end the story in a not so confusing way.

Mazi_Omenuko: Sambroose

Nice metaphorical story. I enjoyed reading it; sounds more like a beautify prose.

You needed to pay more attention to the paragraphs and spaces. It was clustered, making it a bit difficult to read. Your continuous use of the coma instead of a full stop cannot be overlooked.

Ms Fibre
Your work has already received lots of critique after you submitted it. I hope you learnt a lot from it all.

That's the much I can take; I will let other judges do justice to the stories.

Next>>>> My nominations.

Omolola1: MY TRAVEL ADVENTURE
Plainmirror

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], I banked my money myself. During ‘break’ periods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys [girls inclusive atymes] and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy]. This earned me many friends both male and female; some non beneficiaries of my benevolence branded me a SPOILT CHILD maybe they thought I came from a very wealthy family and to cap it all, I was a title contender in my class [dat kind Manchester united for EPL] LoL .
Despite coming from a middle class family [ we dey chop three square meal daily],


The above put me off totally. In just one paragraph, you committed the following blunders:
- the blunder of adding unnecessary words in brackets
- the blunder of using pidgin in a very wrong way
- the blunder of using 'LOL' ..like seriously? What were you thinking? Did you think you were writing to yourself or for a blog?
The brackets were so not necessary. .
Your dialogue was very poor, I couldn't tell the difference between the dialogue and the narration because the dialogue wasn't punctuated. At a point, I was completely lost.

[ I wondered if dat was d mssg my dad sent but on a 2nd thought, discarded the idea].

Please and please, abbreviation in a story is totally unacceptable. .I might not know the meaning of 'mssg' and then become confused.
When writing in figures, write in words e.g. second, not 2nd, four, not 4. Fifty thousand naira, not N50,000.

It's obvious you don't read because the content of your story and the organization was way below average.
Paragraphing, spacing, narration and your use of english or rather choice of words were really poor. Please improve on your illustrative skills because you have the potentials of being a great writer.

Finally, the title of your story doesn't match with the content. I read your work three times just to know where the adventure was.

An adventure is an exciting or unusual experience; it may also be a bold, usually risky undertaking experience with an uncertain outcome.
It wasn't exciting to me and I really didn't see the outcome of anything. I was even more lost at the end of the story.
Honestly for me, there was no travel adventure.

Omolola1: THE HAUNTED ROAD
Royver

Content - Excellent
Illustrative skills - Excellent
Description - Excellent
Plot - Excellent
Dialogue - Very Good
Organization - Excellent
Suspense - Mind-blowing
Use of English - Classic
Should I go on?
Horror, Thriller, Suspense and Action packaged in one short story of 2,094 words!
My God, you are good. You just got yourself a fan. I'm looking forward to reading something else from you.
Do take note of what Mazi pointed out, the repitition of "She." I noticed that too. Asides that, I loved the story.
Can I get an autograph?

Omolola1: WHAT LURKS IN THE DARK
Kslib

Quote me if I'm wrong. From what I read and understood in the first paragraph, Mike was on his way to Andy (his best friend's) house in the middle of the night...

Mike stepped out and swung the gate back to its position with reckless abandon,causing the gate to make a loud bang.
"Geez', he poked his bottom with his fingers, serving as penance for what he just did as the 'bang' echoed its-way up the sky and the street beyond.
"Hope i didnt wake you guys", he smiled looking left-right..
"Not my fault, folks, blame it on this loud mouthed gate", he said in a sarcastic tone as he raised up both hands in surrender to the air.


Where was he when the above conversation took place? In Andy's house already?
Who was he talking to?

It took me a while to understand that Mike was still within his compound, which made me wonder who he was talking to when he said "Hope I didn't wake you guys." Was he talking to himself? Because if he was, you didn't tell.

You constantly made the mistake of writing "Mike" as "mike". Try to proof-read your work before submitting next time.

He shook his head and made a 'yimu' mock with his mouth.


I laughed when I read the above. What is yimu? I might not know the meaning of yimu, some other person might not know the meaning either. Understand that you are writing to a larger audience, you should never leave them confused at any point in time. Instead of 'yimu', you could have used something like 'funny.'

The storyline is okay though. I would have really loved if it didn't end up been a dream. I already knew that was where you were heading to since Mike never got to Andy's house, so I wasn't disappointed when I got to the end of the story

This is your punishment for distracting my night's read, Martha teased as she(who was 3years older) gave her younger brother mike(who just turned 21, two days ago),"a tongue out"...
She winked at mike(who was now sobbing like a baby and looking like a scared rat).
Martha shook her head in victory-- she finally defeated the almighty mike who never admitted to being scared of the dark.


The above wasn't necessary. Fine, you wanted to give us details about your characters, you wanted us to know their age, but what significance was Martha and Mike's age at that point in the story?
I want to know...because I didn't get that part.

You could have just said:
Martha teased as she made jest of her younger brother, Mike who was now sobbing like a baby. . .

With a little push, you would do better. It was nice.

Omolola1: THE WISH OF THE GODS
BestLuv

It's obvious you rushed this. Your story was not organized at all and lacked depth.

You weren't bothered about your readers, you wrote as though you were saying a story verbally.

From the beginning to the end of the story, there was no paragraph, there was no meaningful dialogue, not to talk of it been punctuated.

Your characters and the plot were not well developed. There were so many typographical errors, I don't think you even read the story.
It wasn't your best, but I know you would do better with time