Larai Boluwaji:
Why must it be sunday? Stop being so bossy,u arnt d only judge here. Mazi said by sunday so let the judges have everything ready before then for smooth transition

Because I'm less busy on Sundays, thank you.

Kslib:
The 15contestants will be gingered/motivated by the Negative and positive comments they'll receive from a larger audience..

Mynd,do something..
..
..
All izz well!

We are on frontpage now.

Mazi_Omenuko:

We are on frontpage now.

Yaaaaay!!!!


Mynd,thanks on behalf of all the 15 disciples....
..
..
All izz well!

Mazi_Omenuko:

We are on frontpage now.

I edited your post. I hope you don't mind

https://www.nairaland.com/1454855/short-story-competition-submission-thread/1#18494208

Mynd_44:
I edited your post. I hope you don't mind

https://www.nairaland.com/1454855/short-story-competition-submission-thread/1#18494208

Nah, it actually makes sense. Wonder what will happen tomorrow when the thread is opened for judges to submit their scores and analysis.

Mazi_Omenuko:

Nah, it actually makes sense. Wonder what will happen tomorrow when the thread is opened for judges to submit their scores and analysis.

Let them put it here, I will quote it and post it on that thread. Opening that thread is going to cause major damage and a lot of "This post has been hidden"

Kslib:
Yaaaaay!!!!

All izz well!

The link to this discussion thread is there, at the beginning and at the end also. I don't intend creating yet another thread for this competition, so we have to make use of the two available.

Mazi_Omenuko:

The link to this discussion thread is there, at the beginning and at the end also. I don't intend creating yet another thread for this competition, so we have to make use of the two available.

I modified that post immediately i saw what Mynd did.. Guess you were faster than me..
..
..
All izz well!

Grabs a chair and run to the front...Mazi 1 From N.Y.S.C>P.P.A>LEGEND OF F*CKERS(AWAITING)>Pass me the Pop corn o...

Hello all,
There has been slight adjustments. To avoid lots of "hidden posts" on the submission thread, we judges will post our analysis and nominations here on the discussion thread. Mynd has volunteered to transfer our analysis and nominations to the frontpage thread without unlocking it.
There's no need waiting for tomorrow, let us start with the analysis and nominations already.

After the end of the second round, and the end of the competition, the frontpage thread will be opened for the audience to make their contributions.

Please do bear with our little inconsistencies. I did mention earlier that our timing is prone to adjustments.

Thanks.

Mazi_Omenuko: Hello all,
There has been slight adjustments. To avoid lots of "hidden posts" on the submission thread, we judges will post our analysis and nominations here on the discussion thread. Mynd has volunteered to transfer our analysis and nominations to the frontpage thread without unlocking it.
There's no need waiting for tomorrow, let us start with the analysis and nominations already.

After the end of the second round, and the end of the competition, the frontpage thread will be opened for the audience to make their contributions.

Please do bear with our little inconsistencies. I did mention earlier that our timing is prone to adjustments.

Thanks.

I will need you to tell me which to transfer though. It is your gig so please lemme know how you want it.

Cheers
**back to Ghostmode**

Mynd_44:
I will need you to tell me which to transfer though. It is your gig so please lemme know how you want it.

Cheers
**back to Ghostmode**

Princesa has her analysis submitted already;

https://www.nairaland.com/1441838/short-story-competition/24

Mazi_Omenuko:

Princesa has her analysis submitted already;

https://www.nairaland.com/1441838/short-story-competition/24

That's no analysis sire,outta 15 entries she dropped analysis for just 3 entries


Pow!

Abu Mikey

You've got the illustrative skills. If illustrative skills is the only criteria for nominations, then I would nominate your work a hundred and one times. But its lacking in other areas.

Your work looks unorganized. Your punctuation was irregular and the regular use of quotations created a bumpy read.
Example; instead of representing all parts of a conversation in quotations, you can include them in the body of your work.
Example: Instead of...

"Jesus!!!!!"
Mr.Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had, "honey,what's wrong?" Ojo's wife asked.
"I had a terrible dream" Ojo responded

Why not...

"Jesus", Mr Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had. His wife asked what was wrong and he informed her he just had a terrible dream.

You get my point? That way, the reading is smooth and continuous; rather than having unnecessary breakages.

I can recall you saying you were yet to put down a story even few hours to deadline. I thought you were joking, but when I read your work, I knew it wasn't a joke. It looked rushed.

Ruby spice

Your work looks to me like a long poem rather than a short story. The content is a bit poor; there were just two characters, maybe three; a man, his love and an orange tree. You should have taken more time out to develop the characters fully for us to understand the bond created by love between the two.

Since there were no much plots, characters and scenes, there was nothing much to expect from the organization therein. The tense was irregular and the story sounded monotonic. However, I commend your spacing, paragraphing and order of presentation.

Its always difficult to illustrate stories in the first person singular. This has been my method of writing ever since I started writing; and its always difficult. There were areas you would have ventured into if you weren't illustrating in the first person singular. I will give you an instance;

If you had written your work from a narrative perspective, you would have included paragraphs like:

Lora looked confused as she stared at her dad on the sick bed. The doctors had refused further treatment, insisting on an initial deposit of £12. But where will the money come from? There are 6 more mouths to be fed at the house, an angry landlord awaiting his rent and an ageing mum to carter for.
Her thoughts drifted towards Chief Adebayo. He seemed to be the only solution to the present crises; but how will she explain to her love that she must be married to the Chief? How will he understand? He must be waiting for her under the mango tree, singing sweet melodies of love songs...

You see what I mean? By choosing to base your narration on the first person singular, there's no way the narrator will know what is going on in the mind and life of Lora.

However, you have a nice background story, it only needed lots of development from different perspectives.

T-flow

you flowed effortlessly like you were born to write. The fact that you still used the difficult first-person singular to narrate your work made it more endearing to my heart: its same style I adopted in my writings.

One big advantage you have is that you used real plots and scenes, so its easy for the reader to comprehend; it was actually easier to imagine the entire plot like you painted it. Choosing the uniLag scene won ishilove over. I don't know if it was a calculated attempt, but I'm sure you will have her vote for the finals.

I was almost praying that your story wouldn't come to an end. You've got talent bros, and I can't wait to see you at the next round.

Numero uuno

Your story, journey to greatness was a real journey. Within 2,500 words, you told about a child upbringing, his secondary school and university days, still managed to put a happy ending and a touching footer.

I kept imagining where we're headed to as I read your work. Seems you were trying out a biography within the limited allocation of 2,500 words. You ended up doing a rush-rush work, with no depth.

If you intend to write more often, you have to catch your audience. I read where a judge speculated that it was difficult reading some stories after the first paragraph. Its a general trait for most readers. They don't have that patients to skim through your work, waiting patiently for that happy ending. You have to keep them spell-bound, else, they will ignore your work halfway.

There is always room for improvement, and I believe you will improve greatly.

Kslib



































All iz 'not' well

Plainmirror

I love adventures, and your work was a good one. You wrote with confidence and I liked that. However, I have to point out a little bit of this bump in your work. The occasional use of brackets to indicate side comments or buttress a point doesn't just do it for me. Check out this paragraph of yours;

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], I banked my money myself. During ‘break’ periods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys [girls inclusive atymes] and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy].

In just one paragraph, you have three of such speed breakers! It doesn't make for an easy read as it distracts the reader from the main work. I love smooth rides when I'm reading.

Your adventure was fun, and you presented it in such a way that the reader would want to jump to the next paragraph to find out what happened next; that's the element of suspense.

Nice analysis

@Mazi,so my work is that bad that you left the space blank,scrolled down and typed "All izz not well".
!! Hmmn..

All izz still well!

Mazi_Omenuko: Plainmirror

I love adventures, and your work was a good one. You wrote with confidence and I liked that. However, I have to point out a little bit of this bump in your work. The occasional use of brackets to indicate side comments or buttress a point doesn't just do it for me. Check out this paragraph of yours;

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], I banked my money myself. During ‘break’ periods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys [girls inclusive atymes] and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy].

In just one paragraph, you have three of such speed breakers! It doesn't make for an easy read as it distracts the reader from the main work. I love smooth rides when I'm reading.

Your adventure was fun, and you presented it in such a way that the reader would want to jump to the next paragraph to find out what happened next; that's the element of suspense.

@Mazi, I am expecting more analysis o, especially on my story.

Kslib: @Mazi,so my work is that bad that you left the space blank,scrolled down and typed "All izz not well".
!! Hmmn..

All izz still well!

princesa: Okay, finished reading all entries and as usual I've got a little something something


T-flow: good choice of diction, impressive narration and dialogue, consistent plot. The opening paragraph was bulky, some copy and paste work? Please endeavour to keep the opening paragraph catchy, precise and punchy.

Numerruno- Me thinks your story lacks a definite sense of direction and the plot inconsistent with so many characters that do not have clear-cut roles. I advise that you concentrate on and develop very few characters if you get to the next round.

Oma4u: hmm, it felt like i was watching a flick from 'yollywood' (the yoruba version of the nollywood ). Anyway, the proverb coloured dialogues suit the epic piece I.e. Good dialogue, good spacing too, but the length! Did you word count? don't forget you have to always work with the rules of the competition.




That all criticism i have, will be dropping my best five soon..

Thanks for the analysis. I just want to channel a different style for myself (writing yoruba in english).

I would like to ask if you enjoy the story?

Mazi_Omenuko:

Princesa has her analysis submitted already;

https://www.nairaland.com/1441838/short-story-competition/24

no she hasn't. As Abu said, its just 3 outta 15. Although I've dropped somethings about the other stories earlier on.

But Am still gonna extract and update it all in one post (I can't do long analysis like you guyz) so pls give me till Friday. Thank you.



#couldn'tresist

Obinnau:
Nice analogies.

Nice analyses you mean...
analogy means comparism/similarities, i dnt think it connects with the afore-posted

#dontbotherreplying

OMA4U:

Thanks for the analysis. I just want to channel a different style for myself (writing yoruba in english).

I would like to ask if you enjoy the story?

yeah, i enjoyed your story and some others...

Hmmm... So far, so good.
Waiting for more analysis, maybe I'll be able to pick 'MORE' stuffs.

Royver

Your story was classic! The first line was perfectly fashioned in such a way to introduce the reader to a promising tale of endless suspense.

Your descriptive prowess is awesome; I could almost picture the akara balls frying in the hot oil. You were also able to give a clue about the old woman's poor background and almost miserable life and still not deviate from the title of the story.

However, I made a little observation. The continuous use of 'She' to start sentences close to each other somehow dulled the reading.

Example: instead of...

She sighed and inspected the bean cakes again. She decided that this would be the last batch. She brought them out of the fire and proceeded to scatter the firewood, allowing the flames to die slowly. She waited for the oil to cool then gently poured it into the container.

We can have something like this;

She sighed and inspected the bean cakes again and decided that this would be the last batch.

You get the drift?

Never believed I would be rooting for a horror story. Yours was a perfect blend of horror, thriller and suspense. Trust me, if you can pull up such a story in the next round, you'll definitely be the contender to beat.

pls you people should allw mazi continue na...

*Watching from the sideline*

Wow! You guys are doing a great job I must confess.