My friend is faced with a dilemna and I had to advice accordingly.

She married a man who had a child from previous relationship.
The husband constantly communicates with the babymama. The wife has a record of all their conversations, though the husband does not know.

When she communicates how uncomfortable she is with their communication, the husband tells her that they communicate only about their child.

Which I understand. One can never seperate a man from his kids. If you marry in such a situation, you should have a heart to share your husband, period.

The wife is worried that their communication might re-kindle what they use to have. Especially since the husband does it in hiding and is not open about it.

ARE HER WORRIES LEGITIMATE?? CAN A MAN EVER STOP LOVING A WOMAN HE ONLY PROCREATED WITH BUT NEVER MARRIED?

They can have a child together but they dont have to have feeling for each other. That said, she will always be in his life for a large number of years until the child is at least a teen. And the child will never be gone from the man's life either. Depends, he shouldnt have to show every conversation for 'inspection' but on the same note nor should he hide it. But why has the wife kept records of the conversations? He has chosen to be with her & not the baby mama after all

Feelings or no feelings, there is always a spiritual relationship when u make a baby with someone.

oyinbogirl: They can have a child together but they dont have to have feeling for each other. That said, she will always be in his life for a large number of years until the child is at least a teen. And the child will never be gone from the man's life either. Depends, he shouldnt have to show every conversation for 'inspection' but on the same note nor should he hide it. But why has the wife kept records of the conversations? He has chosen to be with her & not the baby mama after all

@highlighted :
1) I guess its just woman snooping and we get what we don't have to know.
2) Again I think the man did not make an effort to show the woman that he is over his ex regardless of the child they share.

I believe that if you enter a relationship where you have the child with a previous partner, you have the responsibility to prove to your partner that you have outgrown the relationship. And you have nothing to do with your ex except your child.
Just like in any normal relationship with no kids, you have to assure your partner that you are with them and nobody else.

Yes, you are not responsible for his/her insecurities, but you are responsible for assuring her that its all over.

Doing things behind scenes is not acceptable for me.

Now that I may find myself in a similar position, I will demand that we ( me and the babymama ) have a clear relationship with the mother of his kids with boundaries. How he does it, will be his own baby. Selfish as it sound

I cannot be an instant mother and also aqcuire an instant enemy ( babymama ).
I also think that having a relationship with the babymama makes your job as a stepmother much easier.

I think that will work best for me.

Unfortunately she never made clear demands from the beginning If I look at it.

steve_cantrell: Feelings or no feelings, there is always a spiritual relationship when u make a baby with someone.

Spiritual relationship?? what do you mean?

Are you trying to say they will always be connected and love each other

chineloSA:

Spiritual relationship?? what do you mean?

Are you trying to say they will always be connected and love each other

No one said anything about love or hate, just a spiritual connection.

steve_cantrell:

No one said anything about love or hate, just a spiritual connection.

Well maybe I do not understand English well well.

But Spiritual has everything to do with your belief and superpowers. So where does spiritual comes in with the babymama

So Sir, am I so confused.

chineloSA:


@highlighted :
1) I guess its just woman snooping and we get what we don't have to know.
2) Again I think the man did not make an effort to show the woman that he is over his ex regardless of the child they share.

I believe that if you enter a relationship where you have the child with a previous partner, you have the responsibility to prove to your partner that you have outgrown the relationship. And you have nothing to do with your ex except your child.
Just like in any normal relationship with no kids, you have to assure your partner that you are with them and nobody else.

[/b]Yes, you are not responsible for his/her insecurities, but you are responsible for assuring her that its all over.[b]

[/b]Doing things behind scenes is not acceptable for me. [b]

Now that I may find myself in a similar position, I will demand that we ( me and the babymama ) have a clear relationship with the mother of his kids with boundaries. How he does it, will be his own baby. Selfish as it sound

I cannot be an instant mother and also aqcuire an instant enemy ( babymama ).
I also think that having a relationship with the babymama makes your job as a stepmother much easier.

I think that will work best for me.

Unfortunately she never made clear demands from the beginning If I look at it.

LOL @ 'snooping' gosh

ANYways....

I do agree with some points you made. That is true... this is a delicate situation here your in, stepfamilies Nothing comes easy, please dont let it cause fights between you two, try as you said to have a friendly relationship with the mum, this might help you feel more relaxed. Its a good idea. Being the childs friend is enough for now, you dont need to be a mum yet. Let the child get used to you & build a relationship between you unique for you both.

Now im Not sure of the age cos u didnt mention that fact, but ....you know, just try be pleasant, (make them feel welcome & all) try and love the child as best you can seeing as you love his/her dad. This child is a part of him. Hopefully thing will get easier for you as time goes by. Dont allow it to be 'his child' biologically yes thats true, but its so much better if you can involve yourself too, it really helps and goes a long way. That child gonna be around a long time, and theres no reason you should be hated unless u make it so or want it so dear. I was in this situation myself, I can see where your coming from. PLease my dear, dont let insecurity win over you, you have a guy who married you, and perhaps have a family of your own some day too.

But in the meantime, be his support, talk to him openly without harshness or blame, be there[i] for him & show him your there if he needs help with his child - and he will talk to you & tell you more as a benefit. Trust me! Also, I hope your ok with husband spending time with the child? As for contact with the ex, it should be minimal but can also depend on the age of the child too & some other factors. As the child gets older they are able to call dad themself , tell dad more things themself...and so forth. Without mum having to. so you see the contact wears down correspondingly to the years of the child. If it dosnt then qs that.... and dont forget Mum might even get a new partner, highly likely!

Everyone has a role here, and can be involved (in a good way) Keep in mind jealousy can ruin everything you worked for.
Hope all goes well and like to hear how things go

chineloSA:
My friend is faced with a dilemna and I had to advice accordingly.

She married a man who had a child from previous relationship.
The husband constantly communicates with the babymama. The wife has a record of all their conversations, though the husband does not know.

When she communicates how uncomfortable she is with their communication, the husband tells her that they communicate only about their child.

Which I understand. One can never seperate a man from his kids. If you marry in such a situation, you should have a heart to share your husband, period.

The wife is worried that their communication might re-kindle what they use to have. Especially since the husband does it in hiding and is not open about it.

ARE HER WORRIES LEGITIMATE?? CAN A MAN EVER STOP LOVING A WOMAN HE ONLY PROCREATED WITH BUT NEVER MARRIED?

Yes, a man can stop loving a woman he procreated with!

Could it be that the man is hiding the communication with his babymomma because he knows how jealous your friend is?

It takes a lot of maturity to handle such a situation. If your friend can't handle it, she should pack up and go. A mature woman will encourage a certain level of communication between her man and his babymomma for the sake of the innocent children.

oyinbogirl:

LOL @ 'snooping' gosh

ANYways....

I do agree with some points you made. That is true... this is a delicate situation here your in, stepfamilies Nothing comes easy, please dont let it cause fights between you two, try as you said to have a friendly relationship with the mum, this might help you feel more relaxed. Its a good idea. Being the childs friend is enough for now, you dont need to be a mum yet. Let the child get used to you & build a relationship between you unique for you both.

Now im Not sure of the age cos u didnt mention that fact, but ....you know, just try be pleasant, (make them feel welcome & all) try and love the child as best you can seeing as you love his/her dad. This child is a part of him. Hopefully thing will get easier for you as time goes by. Dont allow it to be 'his child' biologically yes thats true, but its so much better if you can involve yourself too, it really helps and goes a long way. That child gonna be around a long time, and theres no reason you should be hated unless u make it so or want it so dear. I was in this situation myself, I can see where your coming from. PLease my dear, dont let insecurity win over you, you have a guy who married you, and perhaps have a family of your own some day too.

But in the meantime, be his support, talk to him openly without harshness or blame, be there[i] for him & show him your there if he needs help with his child - and he will talk to you & tell you more as a benefit. Trust me! Also, I hope your ok with husband spending time with the child? As for contact with the ex, it should be minimal but can also depend on the age of the child too & some other factors. As the child gets older they are able to call dad themself , tell dad more things themself...and so forth. Without mum having to. so you see the contact wears down correspondingly to the years of the child. If it dosnt then qs that.... and dont forget Mum might even get a new partner, highly likely!

Everyone has a role here, and can be involved (in a good way) Keep in mind jealousy can ruin everything you worked for.
Hope all goes well and like to hear how things go

Thanks love. As for my friend I will consider your advice

I will update you in the nearest future.

You seem very matured. Just out of the topic, I have never met his kids as yet, as they stay with their mom. But what the best way to introduce yourself as a stepmom. Do I tell the kids I am their daddy's friend, daddy's what ? What does he need to tell them

I always imagine myself on the first day going like
" Hi, my name is Chinelo, I am your mom when your mom is not around " or
" Hi, my name is Chinelo. My music, my beat, my house, you dance"


Sounds stupid though . Whats the best way to introduce yourself to the kids without creating walls and fear
1) As a your fathers friend ( who sleeps in their fathers bedroom ) , ( Duuuuh, kids are not stupid )
2) Stepmom,
3) Aunty Chinelo ( sounds better )

That always puzzles me

.

carefreewannabe:

Yes, a man can stop loving a woman he procreated with!

Could it be that the man is hiding the communication with his babymomma because he knows how jealous your friend is?

It takes a lot of maturity to handle such a situation.[b]If your friend can't handle it, she should pack up and go.[/b]A mature woman will encourage a certain level of communication between her man and his babymomma for the sake of the innocent children.

@ highlighted, that was very harsh. With time she may get used to it.

I hear you , but it really takes alot of maturity from both parties. From the one who brought baggage and the one who is a victim of the situation.

Then again the party who brings baggage should not take advantage of that maturity expecting you to always adjust. Its his baggage and his responsibility to make you feel comfortable with his baggage. So its a win win situation.

No woman wants that for themselves. We all want to live a fairytale in our relationships. Where you are the first one to give him babies etc. But some of us are not that fortunate.

But then again you don't decide to fall in love with someone with baggage, it just happens. And you cant leave a good man because he made mistakes in the past.

I bet alot of men out there cannot tolerate what woman tolerate. Talkless of dating a woman with a child. Alot of Nigerian man can't, they avoid them like one piece meat on your plate, saving it for last, if all doesn't go well .

If you meet a woman with a child always making secret calls to the babbydaddy, no man can take that heat.

So its easier said than done.