*Ladies please be honorable
enough to ignore this article. If
you can’t bring yourself to click
past this page, just make sure
your boyfriend never sees it. It
will give him good ideas. Good
ideas on how to dump you. I
am not your friend, neither do I
miss being your friend.


Breaking up with a typical Nigerian
chick isn’t exactly like eating
Garri and Yoruba stew. It is
hard. More like drinking Alomo
and chewing bitter Kola. Or
sipping swollen Garri and stale
fish.
Nigerian girls are not easy to
breakup with. They will scream,
shout, kick, bite, and pluck off
your nuts as some sort of
revenge. Your cherished nuts
will be yanked off, ushering you
into nut-less life of no chicks.
It’s pretty depressing.
So as you begin to read this
article with enough
thanksgiving to embarrass
Heaven, and enjoyment to make
the President green with envy, lock your door with a key, to
prevent ‘her’ from casually
walking in and discovering that
her darling boyfriend isn’t so
darling after all. She’ll begin to
scream and yank….
If she’s already in the house,
quietly switch into stealth
mode; crawl under your bed, or
into the toilet. That will be your
classroom for the next couple of
minutes as I teach you how to
breakup with your Nigerian
chick.

#1. Never Break Up In Your
House.

Break up with her in your
house? That’s so 1992 son!
Where have you been my child?
Only your father and the fathers
before him still thought it was
cool to give their girlfriends,
and the old girlfriends before
them, the sad news in their
mud and thatched houses. No
harm there. Their houses were
cheap.
This is the 21 century, and
mankind has advanced to space
travel and all that needless B.S
about you having to move with
the new efficient breakup trend.
Take her on a date, to a very
public place, where armed
police guards are present. They
may be the difference between
you walking away, (whole,
single and searching). Or
stretchered off as an eunuch.
Or take her somewhere where
she can cry or scream, or slap
you, but not kill you. Don’t do it
at home. In fact, never do it at
home. She will become
hysterical grab your favorite
mug and try to kill you with one
good throw. Off course you’ll
duck, but your Plasma TV won’t
duck. It will explode from the
crash. So would your iPhone,
expensive Italian chandelier,
and the flower vase your
mother got you for Christmas.
Take her out to break up.

#2. Use The Passive-
Aggressive Move

You have to have a format if you
would ever break up with a
Nigerian chick, without making
a mess of the affair. It’s not cool
business, and you’re not
supposed to come out the affair
smiling and hitting the bar for a
celebratory round of drinks.
N.B: If
you breakup with a good
woman, and you hit the
Hennessy corner, then you’re an
animal who’s conscience was
served up as lunch to the
minions of hell, or used as butt
wipe by some demon.

Breaking up with a Nigerian
chick shouldn’t involve violence,
and screams,wet handkerchiefs,
and the use of a bazooka. No,
my child. You have to keep it
simple. That’s the new cool. The
simple breakup. This is how you
do it.
While you’re on that date at an
expensive restaurant (it has to
be an expensive restaurant. It’s
bad manners to breakup in a
local joint while sipping on a
bottle of ‘Shinap and
ogogoro’.), switch into the
emotional zone, and tell her
your mind. Appear sad while
you’re at it. That way she
becomes less selfish, seeing that
her soon-to-be-ex baby is in
pain.
Tell her calmly why you should
breakup, and how poorly you
feel about ending the romantic
affection. Don’t forget to
mention how you’ll miss the
way you scream her name
before you climax *Just kidin'*. And then CRY.
You heard me right, I said cry.
That way the both of you will
cry, and nod heads and console
yourself, and everyone leaves
satisfied that they’re doing the
right thing.
You have to wait for two days
before you rush to the bar for
celebratory Henessy. And be
sure to drink all night.
NB: The last line was sponsored
by the Nigerian Association for
the Celebratory Drinking of
Hennessy after Breakups
(NACDHeB).

This is the only approved
method for breaking up with a
Nigerian chick. Any other way
you’ve heard from your friends,
your shameless father,
concerned Aunt, or learned
from watching Ramsey Noah
and Jim Iyke break Tonto
Dikeh’s heart is from Hell.
This is the once, true, and future
way. Amen.

An Epistle for what you can just grow balls and tell her , son step up ya game.