greatgod2012: From your post, it seems you two are from different tribes, if yes, doesn't he speak his own language when his folks are around.


That being said, the truth is that you married an insecured baby,(is he the only male in the family) because if not, how can speaking one's language with one's people becomes a problem to him?

All in all, since you have begged him and he's still adamant, i will suggest you ignore him for now but make sure you do everything you're suppose to do as regards him, cook his meal as usual, invite him to the table, remind him of something he's used to but which he's not doing. In general, keep on being dutiful and nice with him, after some time, i'm sure he will come back to his senses.










Before i leave, one major reason for having prolonged disagreements is your consent to different rooms from the beginning, if you're always on the same bed, this issue might have been likely settled before now.


When things seems to be normal again, both of you need a marriage counselor, if you're a christian, you can liase with your marriage counselling groups in your church, you people really need it.

And as for you as the wife, i think you need a book, "the power of a praying wife", get one and use it to pray for your hubby, i pray the Lord give you the wisdom to do things rightly.

Best advice so far! 1 billion likes.

Goldenboy007: What do women want exactly? You fight man

He screams at you - Na wahala, He is evil and a bully.
He keeps quiet - Na wahala, He's insensitive and keeps malice.
He stands and look when you abuse him mercilessly- He is mumu and coward, not man enough for you!
He returns your abuse with a stinging slap - Devilish and evil, divorce a potential wife killer.

So it is easier for you to make a resolution not to beg him again rather than to make a resolution not to offend him again?

Take note of this, men have different ways of resolving issues within themselves, whether you beg him or not he needs that time to resolve the issue within himself before he can resolve with you. Men are generally analyst, they need to analyze the impact of that your so called "simple offence" before they can move on, some do it in shorter time and some take longer. Some of you women would intentional repeat a behavior you have been corrected about thinking what it takes is just to say "sorry" and you would now complain he is not accepting your apologies. You can go ahead to stop begging him, when that time comes you would discover that it was easier to beg than to hold a 40 days fasting and prayer in Shiloh or RCCG camp for a failing marriage.

My friend, shut up! Is it right for him to give her the silent treatment just because she spoke her language? N even threaten to slap her? If na me, e don meet him match. Because i will cook n leave it on the table, lock myself up in d room n ignore him very well. We go enter 3 weeks on top this one. E neva see anything.

Saw some comments from some guys here and i weep for the future of this country,and na people go marry this kids for house.

@sunshine;

by Sunshine lady(f): 12:23am

RoyPCain: ^ so you ladies have not seen co wives who are like sisters? and their children are like children of each co wife?

i come such a home. and i have seen many in america.

and those who called their husbands dogs, wow is what i say.


you women are so selfish that you do not want the good that you have for your sister in womanhood.

. Since u r so 'brotherly' , y not allow ur wife (or wives) to hav oda guys so dat u pple can live as brothers undecided

your indecision shows your lack of logic. tell me which tribe in nigeria that allows a wife to have more than 1 husband. i will easily tell you no authentic african tribe frowns on a husband having more than 1 wife. abeg, park well into the bush.

Men love it n feel so high when their women plead n plead,well I used to do that,but I took a break from it when I noticed even when he is guilty he waits patiently for my pleading,

Now if he annoys me or vice verser,we give eachother cold feet,n after three days or so,we go don belle full for d boning matas,den I will begin to bros him up n down,tapping him in bad places,

Meanhile during the silent treatment,when I hear him coming,I quickly wera neat n skimpy stuffs,dress my hair n smell fresh,I cook nice food dat period n believe u me,he trips but can't say it,I know dis cos a day after we must have started talking,he drags me to our sweet bed n d rest is history

Babes,the day he dared try to refuse my food,nne I crossed my legs,took a pack of juice n faced d tv,o babes,dat same ngt,infact less than 1hr,my guy say abeg make I go bring d food,even if e don enter freezer,say he go manage am,

Summary,always give him time to resolve what has transpired,little time ooo,but during the period,be d best of all wives,knw when to talk to him also,this is very necessary

Baby mama:

@ the original poster

Nne I nu go
Let me speak in EngliIgbo,they said na I bu Nwanne m nwanyi
I didn't read it from you sha
If you are Igbo remember that umu nwanyi Igbo Siri Ike ri nne
We don't wait around to be taken care of by a man let alone Onye mba
My advice still stands
Go and do your NYSC get a job and hold unto it
Anwu kwala na di?
I am pulling down my ear while saying this one
Ekwe kwala ga di were bottle kpu o gi gorimakpa
Chukwu nyere gi ogugu Isi biko put it to use
Make yourself financially independent,I have said it about 5 times on this thread
Happy new year Nwanne m

Your response was mature n wise.but u didnt hv to go tribalistic. Good advice tho

@sunshine lady;

by Sunshine lady(f): 11:41pm On Jan 03

tintingz: If you don't have any reasonable thing to post here kindly STFU smiley

To your own biased thinking 'all' monogamous home are all in good state?

. Dis tintin abi na wetin, leave baby mama alone na, must u comment on all her responses?? Damn !! Are u like 2yrs or somfin

tell your idol/role model to grow up. tintinz only stooped low to her level to let her know she can't malign always without someone calling her out. the owner of donkeys sometimes quiets her when she brails. your person reads her hope not the truth into what people say to suit herself. example is her saying i advocated that the husband can hit, except the face, when i was simply addressing the outcry of the woman that her husband threatened to slap her. when people slap, its always the face while i said only immature man hit his spouse. so tell her to develop better quality and shed what she notorious for on Islam and she can continue being her 'tribalist' against us the Yoruba Yoruba and we are not ashamed of our tiger claws. Alhamdulillah. though, i am against tribal mark, but i am grateful that God made me member of that tribe. as to Islam you can't out of something so demanding as Islam and claim to be pundit just because you read material literally without the applicable knowledge of its science.

RoyPCain: @sunshine; your indecision shows your lack of logic. tell me which tribe in nigeria that allows a wife to have more than 1 husband. i will easily tell you no authentic african tribe frowns on a husband having more than 1 wife. abeg, park well into the bush.

. U knw, @d beginnin wen I read som of ur commemts I tot u were one of d mature minded ones, but seeing dis childish utterance here, I shake my head in disgust. I never used any abusiv words on u, y shuld u? Or u prefer war of words to sensibly stating ur points? Lmao..I can feel d smoke & rage comin out of ur head just @d mere mention & suggestion of ur woman being wit oda men. Just knw dat dats d same way ur wife feels wen next u feel like unleashin ur dog-like libido on oda women, all in d name of bein African. & who is d 'African king' dat allowed polygamy but frowns @ polyandry? Who is 'Africa', is it not u & me? Go and interview African women from all tribes, none will tell u dey luv sharing dere man wit oda women cos dey want 'sisterly love', unless dere nt okay. Same way u don't like to share ur woman, it applies to women too. So don't giv me dat African bullcrap. If ur religion permits it, fine go ahead (as an individual) but don't tell me Africa accepts polygamy so we shuld embrace oda women & share our husbands wit dem in d name of 'sisterly love', dats d shallowest thin av ever heard

Too much African misogynistic mentality on this thread!

The post made no mention that the "woman" was at fault with the disagreements.

The man is just being childish. I see African men do this too often and it's quite foolish. Evolve and learn to communicate. Even if she's at fault and requires "correction" silence is obviously not the solution.

I hear people screaming for her to "change what she's doing" or "stop whatever she's doing to piss him off." How about he stops being extremely childish and honor his marriage vows.


Happy New Year!

.

Baby mama:

That is the question these pro polygamy folks can't answer
Have you noticed that you never see a woman advocating polygamy
It is always the males telling us how great it can be managed
Great for who?
For him or her?
What does a first wife IMHO the only legitimate wife gain from polygamy?
Absolutely nothing
I don't give a hoot about the extra wives
Infact anyone that comes in willingly to be a second wife,I hope she gets replaced with a third,4th ,5th until the 10th wife
If this OP had been the second wife,she would have regretted opening this thread
I for show am

Is there any man that wakes up and says to himself,wow I love my wife so much,she is the woman of my dreams,I just need to tell her how much I love her then to prove it he runs out and gets a second wife
It never happens
Second wives come as a result of infidelity emotional or physical
Most times They don chop am taya for outside ,give am belle sef and say what the heck
Let me make it official,anyone that doesn't like it can quench
How many threads have we had here where a woman killed her co wife or killed her husband about to marry another wife

"To hav had a 2nd wife shows how much he does lurv yu" .... Dat was simply Ironical, hope u read inbtw doz lines.

Young lady:

1). If you didn't know that your husband is tribalistic before you married him, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

2). If you knew he is tribalistic before you married him, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT TOO.

Therefore, if he now wants you to be tribalistic, you must obey him totally. You're sinning against God if you do otherwise.

The Bible commands:

"Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves 100%) unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22 Amplified version, Emphasis mine).

My bitter advice is that you obey your husband 100% by being tribalistic. That's the only way you can have a peaceful home. However, you may do otherwise if you like to be a divorcee soon.

THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS BITTER

[quote
author=Bantino]If you offend him, ensure that you appologise
accordingly. If the cause of your misunderstanding is not your fault,
ignore him for a while, ensure you prepare his food even when he refuses
to eat.

If you guys don't have kids yet, wear some skimpy cloths at home, and
try so many ways of seducing him without talking to him.

Walk out of the bathroom unclad most times, he may behave as if he's not
noticing your moves, just continue. To break him, at night, just
pretend to feel cold and tell him to hold you, beleive me, he will
gladly hold you and from there one thing leads to another.

When you guys are done making love then you can have a 'brief
discussion' with him concerning his attitude, Bleep him after the
discussion then sleep off. If you get it right, he will change with time
and learn how to talk issues over.[/quote]

shoerack6:
I don't even want to explain what happened cos if I do, u people will help me insult him.
Ok, let me explain. Hubby is a tribalist. He said he doesn't like me speaking this particular language and that's the language I use when communicating with my family.
So yesterday, my aunty called. I tried as much as possible not to speak this language so was just answering her hun, ehn ehn but at the same time I don't want him to think i'm talking with someone I don't want him to know, so I decided to ask after her son in the language. That's where the trouble started oo.
I'm so sick and tired of all this. When I tried begging, he asked me to leave his presence and that was when I asked him if he was trying to frustrate me. He now said these days that my mouth is becoming too sharp and even threatened to slap me.

I dont believe this to be true. He can't be serious about you not speaking your dialect or may be not on phone. May be whenever you're on phone always try as much as possible not to speak the language he doesn't understand. He may be a jealous type and suspecting you to be having an affair. If that is the case, please change your ways (on phone of course) i.e the way you speak, at least speak pidgin english, I don't think there is anyone that owns a phone who cannot understand pidgin. this your "hun, ehn ehn" response is suspicious.

moreover this is one side of the story.....if only we can hear from him

I would have used it on my wife but silence is her best friend.

shoerack6: Hello house,

Whenever I have disagreement with hubby, he'll decide not to talk to me. He won't eat my food and also will not sleep on the same bed with me. I'll have to beg and beg before he finally decides to talk to me.
I'm so sick and tired of his attitude. I tried discussing with him that we should look for a better way to resolve issues but he said he doesn't want to discuss anything with me.
We are presently not talking and have promised myself that this year, no more begging and begging. Have apologised to him like thrice since yesterday, i've sent him messages apologising even though I know that i've done nothing wrong.
Now i'm always in my room because even when I go to where he is, he'll stand up and leave d place.
This is killing me inside. Don't know what to do.
Pls mature advice only.
Mod pls I don't want this thread on front page.

Heya harmatan fever is what is causing ur hubby to behave that way with time he would recover. See Gobe.

J.Kramer:
Shoerack my wife. So you are subbing me on nairaland abi?

tingongo! tingongo! a kwa m kwuru ya ekwu...

Baby mama:

Which widows?
He took his adopted son's wife,was she a widow?
He made a woman a widow by killing her husband and brother them slept with her the same day dat one na widow too
Women captured as war booties
PleasE!!

http://wikiislam.net/wiki/List_of_Muhammads_Wives_and_Concubines

The adopted son's wife was a divorcee and later married Mohammed(sa)

And where did he made a woman a widow?

Maybe you educate yourself why Mohammed(sa) married many wives

www.onislam.net/english/ask-about-islam/ethics-and-values/muslim-character/166258-why-did-the-prophet-have-so-many-wives.html

www.forpeoplewhothink.org/Answers/Concubines.html

A polygamous home doesn't start from the time of Mohammed(sa) this is a practice done by the prophets, God chosen men in the bible.

Because you always beg thats why its been like that. Try not to provoke him. But when gets angry dont even beg him. Ignore him and move on. Just do as if he does not exist. Then when he is ready to talk do as if nothing happened. If you think your happiness depends on your husband that means you have to be sad alwsys. Try to see every reason to be happy. Good a thing you have children. Dont stop preparing his food, just take that as sacrifice. Learn to overlook somethings he does and and says. You cannot achieve anything by worrying yourself. Men have thick skin if you are the one angry it may not even disturb him one bit. So take decision to live happily. The unmarried and widows still see reason to be happy and live long how much more you.

Let me ask u, when he's angry, what does he like to do? Sit in front of d TV all day? Or sit on his laptop n browse/chat with online friends? Or grabs his car keys n drive out n come back very late? Do u ve kids? My dear, one thing I can tell u is dt ur hubby doesn't love u, he tolerates u! U can't just flip on someone u claim u love, where is patience? Love? Understanding? Perseverance? Back ur marriage up with serious prayers! Again, is it long u guys got married? If not, u ve to patiently n prayerfully follow him, instead of begging him, ignore him, u give him too much attention with d begging n he's taking advantage of that! Pls n pls do not tell to ur friends what u r seeing, they may discourage u meanwhile some of them r enduring worse in their marriages! Know dt ur destiny n ur husband's is beginning to mix together n water n oil don't mix well without heat! A word is enough for d wise!

Great a thing u ve kids, focus on them, let ur kids be ur happiness! Determine to be happy with urself, channel ur energy towards ur kids! U r darn lucky u r a mother, if u didn't ve kids, u wld ve known d true meaning of sadness which will translate to bitterness n resentness towards ur hub. Let d God of peace give u peace n wisdom in ur home

[CHocolaTE:
]
My point was that Muhammed's polygamy made his wives jealous and miserable to the point that they quarelled with each other. Why did Allah endorse a practice that makes women so unhappy?
There is no woman that likes polygamy, don't let anyone decieve you, it's just not possible. The only instance where a woman will be happy with polygamy is if she has absolutely no love in her heart for her husband.

Yeah many women don't like polygamy in terms of sharing their husband with other women, but alas woman are now embracing polygamy as it is the solution to some women in our society eg the widows, divorcee, singles. There are many happy polygamous home as you think there is not, I'm brought up from a happy polygamous home , Many polygamous home are better than that of monogamy home take a look at Isaac in the bible with his only one wife what happened at the end?

A monogamous home doesn't guarantee a happy home, there are worst monogamous home.

You don't know your religion ba? Yes it's an hadith, biko let me quote it;
Narrated ‘Urwa from ‘Aisha:
The wives of Allah's Apostle were in two groups. One group consisted of 'Aisha, Hafsa, Safiyya and Sauda; and the other group consisted of Um Salama and the other wives of Allah's Apostle. The Muslims knew that Allah’s Apostle loved ‘Aisha, so if any of them had a gift and wished to give to Allah's Apostle, he would delay it, till Allah’s Apostle had come to ‘Aisha's home and then he would send his gift to Allah’s Apostle in her home. The group of Um Salama discussed the matter together and decided that Um Salama should request Allah's Apostle to tell the people to send their gifts to him in whatever wife’s house he was. Um Salama told Allah’s Apostle of what they had said, but he did not reply. Then they (those wives) asked Um Salama about it. She said, "He did not say anything to me." They asked her to talk to him again. She talked to him again when she met him on her day, but he gave no reply. When they asked her, she replied that he had given no reply. They said to her, "Talk to him till he gives you a reply." When it was her turn, she talked to him again. He then said to her, "Do not hurt me regarding Aisha, AS THE DIVINE INSPIRATIONS DO NOT COME TO ME ON ANY OF THE BEDS EXCEPT THAT OF AISHA." On that Um Salama said, "I repent to Allah for hurting you." Then the group of Um Salama called Fatima, the daughter of Allah’s Apostle and sent her to Allah’s Apostle to say to him, "Your wives request to treat them and the daughter of Abu Bakr ON EQUAL TERMS." Then Fatima conveyed the message to him. The Prophet said, "O my daughter! Don’t you love whom I love?" She replied in the affirmative and returned and told them of the situation. They requested her to go to him again but she refused. They then sent Zainab bint Jahsh who went to him AND USED HARSH WORDS SAYING, "Your wives request you TO TREAT THEM and the daughter of Ibn Abu Quhafa ON EQUAL TERMS." On that she raised her voice AND ABUSED ‘Aisha TO HER FACE so much so that Allah’s Apostle looked at ‘Aisha to see whether she would retort. ‘Aisha started replying to Zainab till she silenced her. The Prophet then looked at ‘Aisha and said, "She is really the daughter of Abu Bakr." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 47, Number 755)

Mohammed(sa) as been receiving revelation before he married Ashia(ra), this Hadith only show the unique honor given to Ashia(ra) for her purity and noble character

That's how his father probably treated his mother. It is what you called "Social Conditioning" in psychology. We learnt a lot from our environment and it is often difficult to change once we grow up. Many people often argue that anyone can change but I disagree for ability to listen to others and change itself is learnt. This is reason why it is often important to know about an intending spouse before marriage as expecting one's spouse to change might be an exercise in futility once marriage is consumated. So how do I suggest you handle your frustration with your spouse? Take him for what he is, start seeing him as one raised to react the way he is behaving. Rather than focusing on his shortcoming, think about how you can react without causing damage to your marriage while at the same time guaranteeing your happiness. Remember whatever you do must take into cognisance the future happiness of your kids. Try as much as you can to ensure you do nothing that negatively hamper their understanding of what relationship between husband and wife should be like. If I can't get a good deal out of my marriage, at least I can make my children learn from my predicament should be in your thought always. The cross is yours, carry it well with dignity and calmness with lots of prayer.
Finally you are in a polygamy and have to realise that that itself has put limitations on choices you have. A polygamy is not an ideal situation and a man who has many to pick from might not have patience, tenacity and time to listen to you and solve problems. I guess he must also have come from a polygamous background. If so, you are the one who made a wrong husband choice and must deal with the situation with remorse and calmness it deserve. May God help you. AMEN

omiobo:
Op,don't mind this poster. He wants to ruin your marriage. Keep begging,I think he is a type who finds difficult to bounce back from anger. If you have tried all you could,try the last weapon,"seduction". He will sure come for you.

Ta gbafuo gi!

RoyPCain: ^ so you ladies have not seen co wives who are like sisters? and their children are like children of each co wife?

i come such a home. and i have seen many in america.

and those who called their husbands dogs, wow is what i say.


you women are so selfish that you do not want the good that you have for your sister in womanhood.

Thank you, I'm a very witness to this bold, my mum and the second wife are like sisters infact my mum was the one that took care of the two sons of my step mum. We are very close like brother from same mother.

Chillisauce:

Just chill then, there is nothing to be afraid of if you are clean,
Give him his food if he refuses to eat.
Just take a glass of wine, cross leg, get your sweet food and glass of wine while watching your favorite tv program.
When he sees the sweet food, na only him go wake up for night chop cold food.

You are funny my friend. I can assure you that sbe won,t be confortable eating, drinking and watching her favourite programme under this condition, with the man watching quitely and angrily.

Make him need what you only have and if you don't have something unique that he needs try and develop your life to be one.

Increase your value to him, pearl are of most precious to people. And a virtuous woman who can find ?

Sunshine lady: . Dis tintin abi na wetin, leave baby mama alone na, must u comment on all her responses?? Damn !! Are u like 2yrs or somfin

And why did you quote me?? Who dash you sunshine lady?

My advice, display madness in his presence one day by shouting on anybody that call ur phone trying to speak ur language "don't destroy my marriage, my husband said nobody shld speak dat language to me again stop calling me" then bang the phone on that person. But make sure u do it in his presence n smile at him after the call n say dear I love u. Let's see his reaction

arewa queen:

I totally disagree with the highlighted statement. Thank God am a northerner and a muslim so I know what happens in our societies. I am opportune to live in a multicultural environment and from what I deduce the reverse is the case. most of us are happy and polygamy isn't the end of the world. Islam or not African men are polygamous in nature and it's practised all over the continent even by followers of none abrahamic religions. Successa/happiness has nothing with a region, tribe, society bt its solely depends on individual personalities. Do not judge by a small number of ppl you knw who live in miserable marriages in the north. For example, my igbo neighbor isn't dat lucky, he beats her up mercilessly, calls her ashawo ryt infront of the gateman and this is the same woman that pays skul fees for all their kids (4nos) and pays rent too, so dear is it fair for me to say most igbo women live in unhappy marriages

Preach on sister

Abeg help me tell them(wannabes) that a monogamous home is not a guarantee of a happy home.

elebua:
You are funny my friend. I can assure you that sbe won,t be confortable eating, drinking and watching her favourite programme under this condition, with the man watching quitely and angrily.

It's all about solving a problem. Uncomfortable, yes but not so long