Clean Jokes - Religion (4) - Nairaland
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| Re: Clean Jokes by ssRhino: 4:47pm On Sep 24, 2008 |
rohflmao |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 5:26pm On Sep 24, 2008 |
A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH; GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE CARRIES HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE IS SO SURPRISED AND ASKS "DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"? THE HUSBAND SAID " NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 1:57pm On Sep 26, 2008 |
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every Now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh' replied the auditor, Somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on He went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer Purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, Realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable Question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every Now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.' 'I see' replied the Auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover Foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste' Answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to The Tax Office, And about once a year they send us a complete prick.' |
| Re: Clean Jokes by chrisoml(m): 7:40pm On Sep 29, 2008 |
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "what are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take it home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, begining, "Don't you boys know its a sin to lie," and ending with, "why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Digital(f): 10:08am On Oct 09, 2008 |
KunleOshob: Can't you guys come here wit a good joke about women  but you guys are doin good jobs here sha ROFLMAO |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 11:10am On Oct 09, 2008 |
Digital:That would be very difficult if not impossible Oh, but then there are lot lots of jokes against men as well.  |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:40pm On Oct 21, 2008 |
Cyber Psalm The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His commands are user-friendly. His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no viruses, for He is my backup. His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies. His help is only a keystroke away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever. Amen. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by tybanky(f): 6:59pm On Oct 21, 2008 |
[center]GOD'S EMAIL[/center] One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good. So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said? --- --- --- --- Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by tybanky(f): 7:13pm On Oct 21, 2008 |
SHARK!! There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive, " |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Mantee(m): 4:32pm On Oct 29, 2008 |
A couple from America went together with wife’s mother to Jerusalem on vacation. The old woman developed sickness and died. The husband was told of consequences of either to carry the deadbody back to America or to bury it in Jerusalem. The cost to America is $35,000 and to bury in Jerusalem is $2,700. The man opted to move the body to America. The mortuary attendant was surprised and said ‘you must have love your mother in-law so dearly to have wanted to spend so much’ The man replied. ‘Look this not a matter of love. I heard story of a man here about 2000 years ago that died and rose up the third day. I just don’t’ want that to happen to her’ |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Carlosein(m): 2:56pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."  |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 3:46pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so, she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . , . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day! |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Carlosein(m): 4:00pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
very very nice one kunleoshob |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Carlosein(m): 4:35pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question, " "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 4:56pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
@carlosein Nice joke, though this thread is meant for religious jokes. I think your last joke would be more appropriate for the Jokes section of this forum. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Carlosein(m): 5:08pm On Nov 14, 2008 |
ok no vex. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by detruth: 3:01pm On Nov 15, 2008 |
A minister gave an illustration one Sunday morning about a wonderful miracle that happened. As the congregation filed out after the service, the minister's 3 year old son tugged on his coat and asked, "Daddy, is what you said really true or were you just preaching again?" |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 5:09pm On Nov 17, 2008 |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka; don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 2:38pm On Nov 20, 2008 |
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me." The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked." . |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Cayon(f): 5:12pm On Nov 22, 2008 |
Church Bulletin Bloopers The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 7:54pm On Nov 22, 2008 |
Listen on to this conversation between two descendants of vipers: Snake #1: "Are we poisonous?" Snake #2: "I don't know. . . . Why asking?" Snake #1: "I've just bitten my tongue."  (Who said that the old serpent shot himself in the foot? no wonder he had no leg to stand on) |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 12:45pm On Nov 24, 2008 |
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| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 6:01am On Nov 29, 2008 |
Two fish are in a tank (aquarium) and one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Warning: Let no one diss the intelligence of the grandfathers of evolutionists. Respec. http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4f1456031fcc05a3afaf |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 12:01am On Nov 30, 2008 |
This, I believe qualifies to be posted here as a joke. Wordsmith: |
| Re: Clean Jokes by KunleOshob(m): 4:12pm On Dec 04, 2008 |
A pastor and his wife were on a journey to Conakry from Senegal by plane, when suddenly the pilot announced that the plane was about to crash due to some technical problems, and therefore asked everyone on board to confess their sins so that they could make heaven. Suddenly the man of God started confessing that he is responsible for the pregnant house maid and some other church members. Then his wife also confessed cheating with their house help and that their second child belonged to someone else. After all these confessions the pilot now shouted "praise thy lord, the plane is now in good condition and we are now safe to land." But the man of God shouted, "No this plane must crash, pilot I say crash this plane, U have just destroyed my marriage------" |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 12:28pm On Dec 13, 2008 |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 1:22pm On Dec 13, 2008 |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Chrisbenogor(m): 2:11pm On Dec 13, 2008 |
A pastor filled with the spirit was ministering and about to do his first miracle, he closes his eyes and says there is a woman sitting to my right at the back you have problem with your right eyes and cannot see well. A 90 year old woman from that area stands and shouts praise the lord! Indicating she was the one and the pastor says the lord says I should ask you what you still want to see at your age. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by rubi(f): 8:24pm On Dec 30, 2008 |
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all the money into the casket with him. Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. when they finished the ceremony, and just the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away. so her friend said Girl I know you were not a fool enough to put that money in there with your husband" The loyal wife replied, "Listen l'm a christain; I cannot go back to my word I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him? "I sure I did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check, If he can cash it, then he can spend it." |
| Re: Clean Jokes by OLAADEGBU(m): 3:57am On Dec 31, 2008 |
"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance" Watch a popular song re-telling of a classic bible story http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4f3d0b9c1aa53e50ae95 |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Nobody: 9:01am On Dec 31, 2008 |
OLAADEGBU: ha HA. The village idiot strikes again. |
| Re: Clean Jokes by Carlosein(m): 2:15pm On Dec 31, 2008 |
Martian: hmmm, who, where, how ? |
) would be-lie-ve you're be-lie-eveing that Yashua (falsely called Jesus by the Cau-asians) existed.Opinion: Is Bazaar In The House Of The Lord Right? / Isn't A Sin To Insult Satan? / The Evidence Of The Resurrection Of Jesus Christ
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