The Beautiful Neighbour
Akpos was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.
"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"
"Yes!" Akpos replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"
Akpos nearly fainted.

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Where Is My Penis
Akpos who was very drunk was with his girlfriend in a cinema and suddenly he fell asleep.
After a while, he woke up and started shouting, "MY PENIS!... MY PENIS!!!"
Everyone was surprised. He continued, "Where is my penis! Someone has cut my penis and my nuts! Oh sh*t, where
the hell is my penis"
The embarrassed girlfriend said, "Shut up you idiot! Your hand is in my panty!"

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The Dead Dog
A dog died and the owner took it to a pastor. He asked the pastor if he could organise a funeral service for the dead animal.
PASTOR: No, we can't hold a service for your dog in our church. But there is a church down the street, maybe they will do it for you.
MAN: But pastor, will that church accept a donation of $ 1million?
The pastor shouted and asked, why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian?



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Clash Of The Teachers
Two teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Others teachers were trooping in one after the other to join in the feisty argument…
ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight! Teachers manoeuvring themselves in the presence of their pupils.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I’ll balance your equation with acid and base.
MATHS TEACHER: Please! Please!... Stop, before I divide and subtract your names from our teachers’ list.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God of Nazareth, forgive them cause they do not know what they are doing.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behaviour, I’ll draw a scale of preference to know who’s at fault.
MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument, your phonet is voiceless, your treble and your auto lack vocal sound.
HISTORY TEACHER: I’ll compare this fight with that of fight between the Greeks and the Persians in 245 AD.
BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens. The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing. I must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis.
Comment below on which Teacher nailed it.

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The Right Machine
Akpos was in a gym one day pumping his muscles but he was continuously distracted by a hot chick who was equally exercising in the gym. Akpos decided to call the trainer aside and asked him a question:
AKPOS: I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
TRAINER: use the ATM machine

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No Toothpick
A man , angry at the unavailability of toothpicks in the house when he wanted to use one himself after eating a meal called Akpos his houseboy and the following dialogue ensued;
MAN: Akpos! Why are the toothpicks finishing faster than normal?
AKPOS: Oga. It must be your children because any time I use a tooth pick, I always return It.

Stolen Sugar
Akpos enters a Spar Store to buy himself orange juice and sugar. He paid for the juice and walked out with the sugar under his arm , unpaid. He was arrested and locked up.
During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he only paid for the juice and stole the sugar.
Akpos replied, "I did not steal the sugar! At the back of the juice bottle was written, "SUGAR FREE!". You think I'm stupid or what?"

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Nice one

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped open, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag.”
“Oh, rats! Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no,” said the old lady.
“You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden.
Then I thought, “why not make the most of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the hole with my shears.
Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your thing!”
Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

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Wall Of Jericho
A new CRK teacher, transferred to a JSS 2 class during the mid term, wanted to know how well the students understood the syllabus so far. He decided to start from the last topic the previous teacher had taught, "Hello class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
There was a full minute of absolute silence. All the students just stared at him blankly. The teacher then pointed at the students in the front desk to answer the question. The students began responding.
Amos: "Sir I'm a new student here, I just started this school last week."
John: "Sir the day the walls was broken, I didn't come to school, I swear"
MARY: "Sir I only passed by the walls of Jericho, I didn't even touch it, as it was already broken when I passed it."
Rufus: "Sir, I didn't even know the walls had been broken, until you mentioned it now."
The teacher became so shocked and infuriated, "What!!!" He screamed. The Students began murmuring amongst
themselves that the new teacher is so mean.
The teacher, shocked by their ignorance, stormed to the principals office to tell him what happened. The principal kindly responded, "Sorry about that. You know how mischievous these JSS students can be? Always destroying things and later denying it. But be rest assured, this matter would be fully investigated. Just write down the total cost in fixing the said wall, and at the next PTA meeting the issue would be discussed"
Who is more stupid, the students or the principal? Comment below..

LOL nice jokes.