bukatyne: There was no input required. I believe that for them to be engaged, they have started planning their future together.

1. They should have agreed on the % of their income to set aside for their new home (wedding &shelter) monthly

2. Declear all assets to know their current financial standing as they progress

3. If somewhere along the line, he felt or saw that they couldn't afford an eloborate wedding & building a home or decided building a house made more commercial sense than wedding big& renting, he hould have called the OP lovingly, explained the situation and they both decide if

They should go for their dream wedding + rent

They should do court, build and wed big later

They should do court & invest

They should build & do court etc.

These are many possible scenarios Here, OP is part of the decision process and they both do what is best for them.

It seems the marriage stuff was just out of the blued for the guy.

MRbrownJAY: sista Efe
the minute you tell someone that:

"Marriage is meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime event.

MRbrownJAY: The happiest day of your life.

MRbrownJAY: And yes, it's every girl's dream to want that day to be as special as possible."

MRbrownJAY: ....and then follow that statement with:"a man who really cares for you should understand that without being told"

MRbrownJAY: then obviously it IS a do or die issue for you, whether it is achievable or not, since "men should understand that without being told"......... therefore, unless a woman SAYS directly to her man:"I do not want a fancy wedding" then a man will believe that fancy wedding is a must for this lady.

MRbrownJAY:
as for the way he put the options on the table, you are right, he did not do it the best of way possible, but i sure can understand his mindset, especially if he knows that fancy marriage is a do or die issue for the said lady. i mean, think about this for a minute...... there should NOT even be an option here, but yet this man put fancy marriage on the table. what drove him to even believe that he should consider fancy wedding, if not because his partner may have this "do or die" state of mind when it comes to fancy wedding?!

YES, the day of marriage is a milestone in any union but, NO you dont have to have a fancy wedding (that costs as much a building a home) to achieve that.

MRbrownJAY:

if she did not want a fancy wedding then she would have said so the minute he put the option in front of her, and the case would be closed. you just have to read her post to understand that, although she wouldnt want to choose a fancy wedding over building a house, she STILL wants a fancy wedding.

MRbrownJAY:
then why did you not simply say:"ok, i will pay for the fancy wedding while you pay for the house OR we pay equally for the wedding and equally for building "our" future home"? dont you want to contribute for your future home?! maybe that was what he wanted you to do.....CONTRIBUTE.

EfemenaXY:

Shouldn't it be? How many times should a young, yet-to-wed couple envision getting married in their lifetime? Multiple times??




Shouldn't it be?

Isn't a girl entitled to have dreams about what her wedding day should be? Is her wedding day meant to be just any mundane, ordinary day? Is it the crime of the century to want the day she marries her true love / better half to be special?

You seem to be deliberately overlooking the bit where I followed on immediately by stating that whether this is achievable or not remains to be seen as they should both work together towards this.

Yep, it's a no-brainer. Granted men aren't mind readers, but it's common sense to know / realise without it being spelt out in A, B, C to you/him that this day of all days is special. And what do you do on special days, MBJ. Do you let them pass like any other ordinary day? If yes, then why bother getting married in the first place, since it's just a piece of paper anyway? Why bother with celebrating it?[/color

[color=#000099]I disagree about it being a do-or-die-affair for the reasons already stated above.

For a man to expect a woman to come up to him saying "I do not want a fancy wedding" shows he's nothing but a tight-fisted, miserable Scrooge who would do better with remaining single than part with his precious coins.

This lady in question works and earns her own money. She isn't a leech nor a liability so your suggestion for her to have a drab day of a wedding is moot.
You know, she didn't beg the man to propose to her, you know. He did so without a gun being held to his head. If getting married to her is going to cause him so many sleepless nights, then he really should question himself as to whether tying the knot now is the best option.

He isn't doing her a favour by marrying her. Why would you even suggest it? Is she an orphan with no family of her own? Did he find her in the gutters? Would him marrying her elevate her to heaven-knows-what-sort-of-dizzying-heights? From the sound of it, he's even struggling to make ends meet and she's been very patient with him.

MBJ, advice your brother to learn some much needed skills in tact and decorum. He's definitely in need of a good polish. He's just too rough around the edges.

EfemenaXY:

Shouldn't it be? How many times should a young, yet-to-wed couple envision getting married in their lifetime? Multiple times??




Shouldn't it be?

Isn't a girl entitled to have dreams about what her wedding day should be? Is her wedding day meant to be just any mundane, ordinary day? Is it the crime of the century to want the day she marries her true love / better half to be special?

You seem to be deliberately overlooking the bit where I followed on immediately by stating that whether this is achievable or not remains to be seen as they should both work together towards this.

Yep, it's a no-brainer. Granted men aren't mind readers, but it's common sense to know / realise without it being spelt out in A, B, C to you/him that this day of all days is special. And what do you do on special days, MBJ. Do you let them pass like any other ordinary day? If yes, then why bother getting married in the first place, since it's just a piece of paper anyway? Why bother with celebrating it?[/color

[color=#000099]I disagree about it being a do-or-die-affair for the reasons already stated above.

For a man to expect a woman to come up to him saying "I do not want a fancy wedding" shows he's nothing but a tight-fisted, miserable Scrooge who would do better with remaining single than part with his precious coins.

This lady in question works and earns her own money. She isn't a leech nor a liability so your suggestion for her to have a drab day of a wedding is moot.
You know, she didn't beg the man to propose to her, you know. He did so without a gun being held to his head. If getting married to her is going to cause him so many sleepless nights, then he really should question himself as to whether tying the knot now is the best option.

He isn't doing her a favour by marrying her. Why would you even suggest it? Is she an orphan with no family of her own? Did he find her in the gutters? Would him marrying her elevate her to heaven-knows-what-sort-of-dizzying-heights? From the sound of it, he's even struggling to make ends meet and she's been very patient with him.

MBJ, advice your brother to learn some much needed skills in tact and decorum. He's definitely in need of a good polish. He's just too rough around the edges.

MRbrownJAY: sista Damiso
you are a wise woman but you are not looking at this issue the proper way......the type of women we have all over the land are ones that think like our sista Efemena_xy.....now look carefully at what she wrote here below:



when women put marriage as such a "do or die" issue, then no wonder men will put all options on the table and ask these "fancy marriage obsessed" women to take a decision.
if i am dating someone that evaluates marriage ceremony (like sista Efe does) then i will certainly know that a fancy marriage is NOT an option, but a NECESSITY to her.

marriage should be about the union of two people that want to spend the rest of their lives together, nothing else. there is no such thing as THE happiest day of your life, each and every day you spend with that person IS the happiest day of your life.

damiso:
MBJ fancy wedding is subjective naa.By some people's standard my wedding that I felt I tried to cut costs was a fancy wedding but the difference is my family paid or rather contributed a huge chunk to it.My point on spending gazillions is more or less based on affordability.When Chelsea Clinton got married thousands of dollars was spent and it was fairytale like (am guessing her parents also paid for a huge chunk) but will it not be stupid for someone whose parents are not the Clintons to base their own ideas on that?As I said earlier its cultural and sometimes those "fancy weddings' are not even paid for by the couple.
If you are in a position where you have to choose between it means you can't afford both so you both (not shifted to one person) have to work round that limited budget and the sensible thing is to choose a long term investment.
And yes weddings are ONE of the happiest days of your life and in Yoruba culture is even one of the milestones of joy in a parents life (mo sin omo mi ni iyawo meaning I gave my daughter's hand out in marriage).My Dad went overboard and even though I moaned sometimes it was something that gave him joy.He died not too long after so I guess in a way he got to do at least one as he won't be there when my sister gets married.

alutacontinua: Please, can somebody kindly tell me what exactly he was testing in his fiancee?

aisha2:

Your parents paid for most of your wedding that is different from the posters view on "God forbid I sponsor my own wedding"

When we shout women empowerment it starts from this, working hand in hand with our husbands to achieve a common goal.
I see a man who brought for discussion with his fiancee their future; lets have a big wedding or let us build a home and have a smaller one. HE COULD HAVE DECIDED ON HIS OWN and Informed her seeing its his money and we would have cursed him but he didnt, he came like a partner and asked that they both be responsible for their future.

My and Hubby said when we chose our own, anyone who wants a big wedding should pay for it as we dont have the money.
I was on a flight with someone from Malaysia who had lived in the south south for 20 years farming and selling palm oil, he said the problem with our people is we "underachieve and overcelebrate" that in all his years there his workers would ask for loans for burials and namings and not one to build a small business, they were satisfied with crumbs as long as they could attend endless ceremonies weekends and host their own parties with loans and on credit.

Grayz:
I am not even in a hurry to get married. so it would've been different if I was pressurizing him hence my madness towards him.

aisha2:
Your parents paid for most of your wedding that is different from the posters view on "God forbid I sponsor my own wedding"

When we shout women empowerment it starts from this, working hand in hand with our husbands to achieve a common goal.
I see a man who brought for discussion with his fiancee their future; lets have a big wedding or let us build a home and have a smaller one. HE COULD HAVE DECIDED ON HIS OWN and Informed her seeing its his money and we would have cursed him but he didnt, he came like a partner and asked that they both be responsible for their future.

My and Hubby said when we chose our own, anyone who wants a big wedding should pay for it as we dont have the money.
I was on a flight with someone from Malaysia who had lived in the south south for 20 years farming and selling palm oil, he said the problem with our people is we "underachieve and overcelebrate" that in all his years there his workers would ask for loans for burials and namings and not one to build a small business, they were satisfied with crumbs as long as they could attend endless ceremonies weekends and host their own parties with loans and on credit.

damiso:
I agree with you on working with our husbands to achieve a common goal.As I shared earlier I even had to put my foot down to my parents when I thought they were embarking on things I knew my husband might not be able to afford and I also contributed my own resources one way or the other.
I however don't necessarily agree that its a 'our people ' problem.Its a universal thing.I also agree that getting loans or taking things on credit for celebrations is foolish cos it means you can't afford it.I used to think we are the only ones but now I know its world over.
Our weddings are childsplay compared to what Asians spend on weddings and they are very shrewd and business oriented people.Oyinbo might not kill cows and block road for burial but I have personally seen where they spent over £5, 000 on flowers. Flowers that will die Jews as well spend alot on weddings and we all know how savvy they are too when it comes to spending. So yeah culture has a big part to play in how we celebrate and I don't necessarily think it's just us.
If you can afford it why not? Some people already have the houses, the investments, the whatever you want to say they could use the money for so if they want to spend on a fancy wedding why not? Wedding industry is actually a job creator in Nigeria and all those photographers, event planners etc might otherwise be unemployed.
As for original poster though I also don't think that God forbid I pay for my wedding is clear to me? What do you mean by God forbid?

coogar:
you must be very intelligent - with a very good head on your shoulders. unfortunately for nigerian men, you are the very last of a dying breed.

aisha2:

There are loads of women who reason like me oh, I meet them everyday, unfortunately they are not the flashy ones our brothers like, lol. Our brothers will see low maintainance toyota and go for the porsche and start crying about maintainance cost lol.

damiso:
As for original poster though I also don't think that God forbid I pay for my wedding is clear to me? What do you mean by God forbid?

coogar:
why can't we have the best of both worlds? how come the flashy ones rarely have a good head on their shoulders? is it a curse?
it's self-explanatory.....
it means my husband must pay for my fairytale wedding by hook or crook. God forbid a situation where she would be the one to pay for "her own" fantasies. she could contribute a small portion but the burden must rest on the husband's shoulders.

aisha2:

Lol, no be money them dey use maintain the flash? Instead of me buying 400k bag I will say let me buy one small land in my state, or let me help widows start a business. Instead of carry 300k phone to show off I go say make I add am to my business. Lol. Once in a while we splurge and spoil ourselves but no be do or die as e dey be for the flashy babe, make new bag comot and you no buy for her chai you go hear am

alutacontinua:


Now, somebody is talking
I wouldn't be thinking marriage with a man that is still testing me

aisha2:
The key phrase "IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT", let the celebration be equal to your achievements. If you have achieved loads and have assets and dont need to borrow or strain to have a bomb ar-se party then by all means knock yourself out but if it comes down to either an assest or a one day celebration and we choose the one day celebration then we are underachieving and over celebrating.
So after spending all the money that would have been used for a life long house on one day we will start hustling to pay landlord and God knows when with Landlord fees, wedding debts you will raise more funds for the house project.
Like we told our own people when we were ready if you want something big then fund it and right now thats what is happening.

coogar:
why can't we have the best of both worlds? how come the flashy ones rarely have a good head on their shoulders? is it a curse?
it's self-explanatory.....
it means my husband must pay for my fairytale wedding by hook or crook. God forbid a situation where she would be the one to pay for "her own" fantasies. she could contribute a small portion but the burden must rest on the husband's shoulders.

coogar:
why must the cost come out of their partner's wallet. i don't mind if a woman is flashy as long as she's the one maintaining herself. if she wants a 400k bag when i can only give 200k, then she must be ready to chip in the balance by herself.

coogar:

why must the cost come out of their partner's wallet. i don't mind if a woman is flashy as long as she's the one maintaining herself. if she wants a 400k bag when i can only give 200k, then she must be ready to chip in the balance by herself.

damiso:
Agreed.I think I also said if it's either or,means you can't afford it.
Coogar don come o how does that mean her husband must pay for her 'fairytale' wedding by hook or by crook. Pay is subjective jare.I paid all our wedding registry fees so to me I paid for the most important part the legal bit all those others were feferity
As I said earlier these things are sometimes cultural.I remember some of my Igbo friends were a bit puzzled at my dad paying for our wedding.They could not comprehend it as they felt how can I pay to train my daughter and then now pay for you to marry her.I had to explain that how it's done in yorubaland but the groom or his family can choose to chip in as they deem fit.
I was chief bridesmaid to one of my friends and she had a very low key white wedding which she contrbuted quite a lot to but she and her hubby had to code it like he was the one who spent all the money as it's seen as a sign of not being financially ready for marriage if you cannot afford to fund your wedding without your wife's input.
Coogar all this mouth you are making sef I have read somewhere on this same NL where you said weddings are not meant to skimped on.ehhh so why you come dey vex for this OP.

damiso:
Coogar don come o how does that mean her husband must pay for her 'fairytale' wedding by hook or by crook. Pay is subjective jare.I paid all our wedding registry fees so to me I paid for the most important part the legal bit all those others were feferity

As I said earlier these things are sometimes cultural.I remember some of my Igbo friends were a bit puzzled at my dad paying for our wedding.They could not comprehend it as they felt how can I pay to train my daughter and then now pay for you to marry her.I had to explain that how it's done in yorubaland but the groom or his family can choose to chip in as they deem fit.

I was chief bridesmaid to one of my friends and she had a very low key white wedding which she contrbuted quite a lot to but she and her hubby had to code it like he was the one who spent all the money as it's seen as a sign of not being financially ready for marriage if you cannot afford to fund your wedding without your wife's input.

Coogar all this mouth you are making sef I have read somewhere on this same NL where you said weddings are not meant to skimped on.ehhh so why you come dey vex for this OP.

aisha2:
When one sweats finish, endures boring meetings, Bosses wahala and the rest then he/ she will know 200k is not easy to come by and spend on something that wont give profit in essence if you suffer to make the money you go careful in spending

damiso:
Why can't she carry 20k bag

OmoAlata1: you can still have both. He can build his house which is a better investment than expensive wedding. Just ask to go to registry and get married. A year after building the house, you can have wedding of your dreams (a yr is plenty time to save). That way you get best of both world. A husband and a house (that will appreciate in value as time goes by)

Grayz:

Exactly my thought, why on earth will he ask me such question.
Thanks