While waiting for our delayed flight to Asaba
sometime last December, I joined an ongoing
discussion with a group of friends. One of them,
Emeka Ossai, one of Nigeria’s foremost actors and
television content producers, complained
vehemently about the injustice that this world did to
men. He contended that there was so much talk
about the abuse of women while everyone
pretended that men did not go through some
measure of abuse, sometimes even deadlier than
what women went through.
Ossai told his listeners, which included Fidelis
Duker, another Nollywood stalwart; Biodun Kupoluyi,
publisher of E-24 Entertainment magazine and Femi
Davies of Metronews.ng that he had already formed
a group in response to the silent emasculation of
men through emotional and psychological abuses
from their wives. He then solicited for membership
from those who agreed with his position that
afternoon.
A couple of weeks after this discussion, Ossai said
to me in an interview as follows: “A lot of men these
days are walking corpses who, due to gross
psychological and emotional abuses, have become
empty shells waiting to drop. Women have become
increasingly aloof in a supposed union with their
spouses, while the men have become increasingly
powerless to even complain, lest they are labelled
as insecure. We are saying enough is enough! I
have come across these in people who have
confided in me, those I have counselled and some
others I have observed. These days, you have
cases of women beating up their husbands,
beheading some, doing bodily harm or wrecking
them emotionally with no one in the society
reacting. But on the other hand, mere exchange of
words with a woman can result to a lot of societal
backlash. This is unacceptable! So, under my
leadership, we have started a movement of Men
Against Spousal Psychological and Emotional
Abuse. We intend to sensitise fellow men to this
ravaging plight and the society in general to wake
up to this new reality. We will encourage abused
men to speak up and relate their experiences,
engage women of vintage upbringing who do not
encourage this trend and are ready to do something
about it; and organise counselling for healing and
support…”
I gave no further thought to this matter until I
attended the July 2014 edition of the monthly film
screening organised by Gothe Institute, Nigeria and
the Lagos Film Society.
One of the films screened during two-day event
was Not Right, a short film on domestic violence,
produced by Nollywood’s Judith Audu. After
watching the 10-minute film, comments were
allowed from viewers. While everyone praised the
efforts put into the production by Ms. Audu, some
men in the audience wondered why no one was
talking about the abuse of men.
A particular gentleman informed the gathering that
there was no type of abuse that women go through
that men do not experience. He claimed to know a
number of men who were regularly beaten up by
their wives and that these men refuse to speak out
to avoid the reproach that would most definitely
follow. “A lot of men even get raped,” he offered as
he pleaded that more attention should be given to
this issue of the abuse of men as a lot of men die
silently.
There is anger all over the world that a lot of those
who pursue the rights of people in abusive
relationships continue to make the female gender
their primary focus. This is despite the fact that the
scanty data available from the Home Office, United
Kingdom statistical bulletin and the British Crime
Survey show that men make up 40 per cent of
domestic violence victims between 2004 and 2005,
this rose to as high as 45. 5 per cent in 2007-08 but
petered out to 37.7 per cent in 2008-09.
It will be shocking if an equal, if not higher,
percentage of Nigerian men do not suffer some
form of domestic abuse or the other from their
partners, in spite of our penchant to live in denial.
Maybe, it is safe to assume that not a lot of women
in this part of the world would raise their hands
against their husbands, but what about the
emotional torture that a lot of men receive daily?
Some researchers in fact believe that the effects of
emotional abuse could be more dire than that of
physical abuse. This is more so because men are
prone to internalising their sufferings since society
expects them to be stoic, strong and in control.
But some men actually do get physically abused by
their wives. This kind of abuse includes the use of
physical force against another in a way that injures
that person or puts him at the risk of being injured.
This form of abuse could range from physical
restraint to pushing, tripping, slapping, hitting,
punching, grabbing, shaking or choking the victim
Emotional or psychological abuse on the other hand
includes the use of words, tone, action or lack of
action to control, hurt or demean another person. It
includes ridicule, intimidation and coercion.
A typical example of the latter is the story that I
read an article in a book by Smith and Loring in
1994. According to the article: “This man stated that
his wife called him ugly, refused to walk next to him
in public because she was ashamed to be seen with
him, threatened to kill or castrate him while he was
sleeping, taught their son to call him “dummy” and
“wimp,” found the negative in everything he did
(including hugging her and buying her flowers), and
accused him of having affairs. He felt frightened for
his life, blamed himself for everything, and lost 31
pounds…”
This story may sound strange to many but I bet that
hundreds of thousands of Nigerian men go through
this situation daily. I remember reading the story of
a woman who allegedly cut off her husband’s
manhood in Lagos not too long ago. Like other such
victims, this man refused to speak up about the
abuse in his home until he landed in the hospital.
They are trapped because they suffer a condition
known as traumatic bonding, a situation in which the
abuser alternates abusive behaviour with kindness,
creating a bond that involves intermittent positive
reinforcement. This type of bond is difficult to break
as it leaves the abused partner hoping that his
oppressor would change for good.
However, such a man must certainly end up a
nervous wreck. The constant abusive words would
gradually erode his self-esteem and possibly lead
him into post-traumatic disorder like you find in
women. It could also lead to alcoholism or even
behaviours that could be suicidal, self-destructive
or self-mutilating, all of which pose a danger to
society. Such relationships are also prone to
produce children who would grow up thinking that
abusing each other or being abused is a normal
way of life and then subject their own spouses to
such abuses or even worse.
This is why it is expedient for rights crusaders to
begin to consider increasing awareness on the
occurrence of the abuse of men and the attendant
danger. The society loses out in the long run when
men and women cannot play their natural roles as a
result of spousal abuse. This is why the issue must
receive comprehensive attention,
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Good move by Emeka Ossai, they have recognised a problem people refuse to talk about and are doing something about it.
Sadly most men dont even know they are in abusive relationships because they are told " Women are like that, just 'ignore' her". No, it is not "Normal" for a woman to shout, scream at you and verbally abuse you, it is not "normal" for a woman to hold your shirt, dare you and slap you because she has" smaller hands".

The first step is to educate men on what constitutes abuse and let them also realise that a spouse who reacts violently is not your fault.
Educate the men to also understand that there is nothing macho is silently bearing abuse because violence knows no gender, if she gets away with slapping you tomorrow she will use pestle and break your head, if she is not strong enough to physically kill you, she will kill you from high blood pressure or run you crazy.

Abusive people should get help and not spouses.

On my way to work. I'll be right back. Meanwhile haven't we had enough of all this gender war issh on nl you are about fuelling

SAMBARRY: On my way to work. I'll be right back. Meanwhile haven't we had enough of all this gender war issh on nl you are about fuelling

I

SAMBARRY: On my way to work. I'll be right back. Meanwhile haven't we had enough of all this gender war issh on nl you are about fuelling

It is not a gender war. Abusers are are abusers regardless of their gender.
We should speak with a united voice against abuse regardless if the gender of the abuser of the victim, till we realise this is not an attack to gender but about victims of violence we will make no headway in the violence against persons

@ topic

So true, it is a silent epidemic and us men are our own worst enemies. The men who seek to confide in other men are shamed into silence by those men who themselves operate on a wrong mentality that such behavior is 'normal' from women and that he is a wimp to complain about it.

Hope the movement gains ground

Zero Tolerance to abusive women!!!

True.
And other men should stop making the guys who speak out seem like wimps or weak men.
I think abused men should be encouraged to open up more.

Good move

MOD front page pls

Zero Tolerance to abuse, irrespective of gender.

cococandy: True.
And other men should stop making the guys who speak out seem like wimps or weak men.
I think abused men should be encouraged to open up more.

Good move

co-sign......
Lets stop all abuse of any gender

Nawa o.why the thread con dry like this


no customers ke.kiloshele?




Since morning just few people. I bet if it was about women abuse royal roy and t girl go see work do




make una con chook mouth for the matter o

Godmystrength: Zero Tolerance to abuse, irrespective of gender.

I hear you! And when a NL female opens a thread about how her husband physically abused her, one nairaland crew won't even care to hear the hubby's side of the story before condemning the him and even advicing the woman to divorce him. Most physically abused women instigated the abuse with verbal abuse. There's no monopoly of abuse.

eighTHREAD: I hear you! And when a NL female opens a thread about
how her husband physically abused her, one nairaland crew won't even
care to hear the hubby's side of the story before condemning the him and
even advicing the woman to divorce him. Most physically abused women
instigated the abuse with verbal abuse. There's no monopoly of
abuse.

I am not deaf o papa eighTHREAD...

Same way the a woman opens a thread to complain about a cheating husband and some people assumes that she must have done something to make the man cheat on her and some advices her to divorce and some tell her to stay and pray.
Or same way a man opens a thread about his wife having his ex's number on her phone and people tell him to change his wife's number and some saying it is the beginning of cheating and some saying no big deal, while a woman also complains about her husband still in contacts with his exes and some people say she is suffering from insecurity, some say hubby is about to start/has started cheating but nobody told her to change hubby's number

There are so many people here and one person's opinion does not qualify for Everybody's opinion. And we agree to disagree.
So my dear, it is in both ways. Just say your own and leave the rest to say theirs.

Godmystrength: Zero Tolerance to abuse, irrespective of gender.

Duly noted, I framed my post the way I did to encourage men not to accept abuse from women as 'normal'.

Abuse instigated by any gender is wrong to be sure but look around you, when was the last time you saw a topic on abuse which did not cast men as the abuser and women as the perpetual innocent victim?

When was he last time you read an article in the papers on abusive relationships where abusive men are demonised but abusive women are 'swept under the carpet' and treated as a myth?

How many Nollywood and Hollywood movies have touched on the (cliche)issue of abusive men and strangely silent on abusive women?

We men will continue to be on the receiving end of this biased mindset until we are ready to push for a change!

filani:

Duly noted, I framed my post the way I did to encourage men not to accept abuse from women as 'normal'.

Abuse instigated by any gender is wrong to be sure but look around you, when was the last time you saw a topic on abuse which did not cast men as the abuser and women as the perpetual innocent victim?

When was he last time you read an article in the papers on abusive relationships where abusive men are demonised but abusive women are 'swept under the carpet' and treated as a myth?

How many Nollywood and Hollywood movies have touched on the (cliche)issue of abusive men and strangely silent on abusive women?

We men will continue to be on the receiving end of this biased mindset until we are ready to push for a change!

It is a welcome idea. No one deserves to be abused. And let the abused men speak out too.


Maybe the same way a woman is not allowed to complain when her husband cheats on her (it is her husband's right to cheat),
same way the men keeps quiet when their wives abuse them (it is expected of the man to be strong and not show sign of weakness).
The same thing that's keeping the woman's mouth shut should also keep the man's mouth shut.

Abeg make una school me, when the abused husband speaks out, what happens then?

egopersonified: Abeg make una school me, when the abused husband speaks out, what happens then?

@ ego

In an ideal world ,the woman would be exposed as an abuser and held accountable for her behavior.

The police would be involved and should the abused husband be so inclined, assault charges would be leveled against her,possibly to serve time in prison .

She would lose access to the kids if they have any and there would likely be a restraining order stopping her from coming anywhere near the abused husband or communicating with him until such order is lifted by the courts at the express request of the husband.

But like I said .... In an ideal world :/

filani:

@ ego

In an ideal world ,the woman would be exposed as an abuser and held accountable for her behavior.

The police would be involved and should the abused husband be so inclined, assault charges would be leveled against her,possibly to serve time in prison .

She would lose access to the kids if they have any and there would likely be a restraining order stopping her from coming anywhere near the abused husband or communicating with him until such order is lifted by the courts at the express request of the husband.

But like I said .... In an ideal world :/

Thanks, also thank you for adding the ideal world ish, becos no Nigerian man would be bold enough to tell his friends and family that he took his wife to court becos she verbally abused him from 10pm to 5am.

The man should just apply his sense in dealing with the woman... That's all I can say...








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Booked!

When your wife beats you,the police will put you in jail blaming you for not giving her money for food..

lol

Why on earth will any man marry a crazy fellow in the first place

If any lady abuses you, i will advise you to move on with your normal life because any attempt to hit the lady back will be your end..

the lady will claim R*ape

Hm

Na so wan gal wen I de friend slap me one day, I shock, she smiled n later told me its a lovely slap. Anoda day she did same tin, omo I release back hand 4 her make she take see front. Her face red start to cry, omo na so I start beggin o. But fear no make her try nonsense again.

The issue of men being beaten by their wife (or molested ) sounds extreme to me but I think overall, men undergoing abuse is an issue, a lot of men suffer emotional and psychological abuse.

Men have a more physical nature and in an age where it is totally frowned at and unacceptable (and rightly so) to be physical in a confrontation on the family front (or relationships). Most men end up suffering in silence.

Most introverts are particularly vulnerable. Women have been conditioned from an early age to battle emotionally, (either by nature or nurture) not so for men. Its easy to hear of ladies who have not spoken to their roommates for a week due to one minor issue or the other but men just don't toe that line.

Personally, for me over time, my way of checking people's excesses is by exercising my right to walk away from them. But going into relationships, you realise that you just can't keep walking away and there seems to be a battle between trying to make things work by consistently bending and trying to just stand where you are and allowing your partner to take the walk if she wants to.

At this rate, I can sadly assure you that the case of abusive women/abused men will continue to be on the rise. Judging by the statistics from the UK, (alarmingly at about 40%), it is quite clear that most abused victims are male already in the UK because the reality is that a major percentage of men will never speak up in instances of abuse
It is generally seen as wimpish to be abused as a man but to now talk about it or report it makes you 'double wimpish'. No man wants to be the greatest wuss in the world.

As a kid my dad left home, to live on his own, didn't remarry, didn't go into any other relationship that we knew of. Just decided to be on his. Looking back and based on the little I have come to know, I am 100% percent sure he felt abused and decided to take the walk. So yes, male abuse has always been an issue lying under the surface. And I can imagine how difficult back then it would have been for him to talk about it.

Will just show her the path to her mom's place.

When ya wife is pounding you... you dont got no one to tell it to... you just bear it...

nigerian women losy their mind the day they began to accept the gender equality BS. cant even imagine my self gettin married o. the day my wife go vex me. na ISIS beheading i go give am. shoutout to my baby mama lol