Comedy Title: Football Fever (aka The Expendables)
Author: Anish O Cornel
(re-edited)

Characters

Team 1: Stingy-Power United (SPU)
Slim-parasite (SP)
Baba .G, captain
Gooden L or Lucky
Big-Tommy
Wide-pocket
Private-pocket
Me-and-my-family-alone and every other members of the team
Team 2: Proletariat FC
Oson-iman, a jacobin
Soyinka, captain
Catalyst
Femi
Seun
Paragonni
Folan
Udeme and Saheed (a thug)
Sergeant Musa, two soldiers
a referee, two commentators, a caller

First Motion Page
At the Stingy-Power United Awning

Wide-Pocket: It's a pity we are going to the field against the proletariat.
SP: You speak well my friend. The proletariats are too stubborn and we will show them how diflomatrick we are. /He tries to call all the team together, but finds it difficult. As he attempts further, he gives a tragically quaking cough/

Wide-pocket: /re-acts to the cough/ Bismillahi! Coach, you must take it easy. This is the time that we need you most, altho' we know you've been winning so many matches since the Nigger-yard champions league began in 1960, and much of your skills have actually helped us play well. But this time, we will need you more than anything.

SP: I cannot die now, because, the cup, as you should know, is too crystal-precious for us to lose to the masses.

Wide Pocket: I understand.

SP: /calls the team/ Baba .G, Lucky, wide-mouth, private pocket...

Team: We're here coach.

SP: /looks around for a while, pauses, with arms akimbo/ where is Big-Tommy?

Baba.G: He went to the toilet.

SP: To do what?

Baba.G: to shit!

SP: And you believe him?

Baba.G: That was what he said. But I am not sure.

SP: That parachuted shell of a man! Does he think he can hide this time, like he did during the Great Match? Coming out of his holes almost when the match was close to the finish, so that he could claim the most vigorous' for the cup? I wish the Black Scorpion was still here. I would have done nothing but to put him in line and bench that corpulent lot.

Baba.G: What do you suggest we do?

SP: We wait for him or better still, Wide-Pocket-

Wide Pocket: Coach.

SP: Take this whistle. /Gives him his whistle/ Go straight and stand by the toilet door.

Wide-Pocket: Okay.

SP: If he is not yet out after some few minutes, blow the whistle as long as you can.

Wide-Pocket: Okay.

SP: And beware! You must try not to peep or even go too near to the door.

Wide-Pocket: Why?

Gowon: The reason is classified! Don't try to know. Just take the precautions. But if you do otherwise, by going to peep on him or even dear to stay too close to the door, I am afraid...well the emergency button is already there.

Wide-Pocket: But why?

SP: Hai! Don't you get it? Fartiovirus! That pathogenic bacterium which no one else but he alone can generate, thro’ the shitting process.

Wide-pocket: Awusubillahi!

SP: It is a bio-terroristic weapon.

Wide-pocket: Allahu akbar!

SP: In other words, to be fore-warned is to be fore-harmed. Now, go!

At the Proletariat’s awning
Oson-iman: Where is the captain?

Catalyst: Here he is sir.

Soyinkus: Coach.

Oson-iman: I just want to be sure you've not being too abstracted by the jeering of the crowd.

Soyinkus: An ontological NO, coach.

Oson-iman: No problem /to the other teams/. Now, everybody listen…

Femi: /singing/ I sorry sorry ooo

Oson-iman: Femi, please, this is not the time to sing. Don't distract us.

Femi: Okay coach/he begins to whistles/

Oson-iman: /furiously/ Femi!!!

Femi: Sorry sir.

Oson-iman: /addressing the team/ Now listen everybody, I'm going to recapitulate the order of play. /He brings out a list/ Soyinka!

Soyinka: sir.

Oson-Iman: You will keep.

Soyinka: What?

Oson-iman: Yes you will.

Soyinka: This is phantamagloriously incredulous!

Oson-iman: You're becoming too old. Just stay calm at the back so that the young ones can break the legs of old wrongs.

Soyinka: Experience lies much with the old. The younglings are just yet to have as much.

Folan: Coach.

Oson-iman: What is that?

Folan: /stammering/I learnt that they are trying to summon the ghost of Idi Amin of Uganda, Abacha, Yar Ardua, and possibly that of Osama Bin Ladin whom we all presume is incontrovertibly (the god of the Boko-Harams).

Soyinka: /bursts out/ If that be the case, we shall incur the spirit of Fela, Idi Agbon, Achebe and many others. Whether their bodies appear pro-bono-publico or not is not our concern. And as for Yar Ardua, I’m sure he won’t last before he blows off again.

Folan: Did you just mention Idi Agbon?

Soyinka: Yep!

Folan: Is he not a milli-kaki person?

Catalyst: Hey, Folan, he is dead, and likewise the others.

Oson-iman: Let's leave all that for now /continues the distribution/ Seun.

Seun: Sir.

Oson-iman: Supporting striker.

Seun: Okay sir.

Oson-iman: Femi.

Femi: Yeparipa!

Oson-iman: Striker.

Femi: Confirm.

Oson-iman: Two face.

Two face: Nothing dey happen!

Oson-iman: You're no longer staying at the back.

Two face: Why?

Oson-iman: So that you don't get too carried away by so many African queens, over there, on the tiers!

Two face: Nothing dey happen!

Oson-iman: Catalyst, Folan, and paragonni stay at the mid-field

(Two guys, Udeme and saheed enter)

Saheed: /speaking in Yoruba/ Walahi won ma gba le ni.

Udeme: /pidgin/ I swear, nna it is war today! /Makes a phone call/ Chidinma.

Caller: Yes oga.

Udeme: Hope you're still in the shop?

Caller: Yes oga, but I have started parking the goods inside so that I can come over to watch the match!

Udeme: Matchigini?

Caller: The match na, between the Proletariat FC and the Stingy-Power United (SPU).

Udeme: Before I “counted” one and two, bring out all the goods now and start arranging them.

Caller: /growling/oooo.

Udeme: Nna, you want me to wreck abi?

Caller: But that will be a waste of time oga.

Udeme: What do you mean, waste of time?

Caller: I already told the customers that we are done for today.

Udeme: How many did you tell?

Caller: Just three!

Udeme: /cataploce/ chi-ne-ke-me-eh!!! (Counting his finger) one-two-three .

Caller: But oga.

Udeme: Shet up there and start re-parking those things outside.

Caller: /growling/ooooo

Udeme: And pray those three’ comes’ back or else, your wage will suffer deduction for three months.

Caller: But why oga?

Udeme: For short-changing the stamina of our daily bread, thro the subtraction, division and deletion of three customers...

Caller: oooo
Udeme: Nna you better don’t waste ya time. Quickly re-park those things. Besides, the Television is over there with you. Just turn to NTA and you will see everything. Biko.

Caller: /growling/ oooooo.

Udeme: And please don't forget to call prophet Agabus (of the Holy-Mary Pan-Evangelistic Trinity Church of Africa) to keep praying for me. Goodbye /hangs up/.

Oson-iman: You guys are late.
Udeme: We are sorry sir, altho' mine was caused by Kate, my pregnant elder sister's, younger brother's daughter.

Soyinka: /whispers to the coach/ What's the meaning of this?

Saheed: /jumping and gesticulating with his hands/ iyalaya won! Ni bo lo ti wa ti won lokun lorun! Won ni duro gba ton, abi won shiere ni? Badoo! Ko si were /stamps his right feet to the floor like a soldier and raises his hands up/ Tuale Baba alaye, Ati shi won wa: igo (bottles), ada (cutlass), lebe (scimitar), obe (knives/pen knives), oko (stones), pako (planks)…

Udeme: /cuts in/ And feeding bottle.

Saheed: Feeding bottle ba wo?

Ochuko: To teach them tales by moon-light, at least by feeding them with moral lessons. Or can’t you see how they keep holding to the cup like little babies?

Saheed: Walahi talahi sumobinlahi tasin lauwa...jesu re..ogun n gbo, ama shinaka! Shikodi! Shi anything.

Soyinka: /silently to the coach/ I don't think this boonduck greyhounds of the Amakwekwerean Baskervilles will be able to play by the rules of the game.

Oson-iman: I understand your point

Soyinka: Coach, to be candid, this is a sheer parallel of an obdurate atarodemesis!

Oson-iman: Fine! They'll be reserved.

Soyinka: Very good. At least, that's quite anti-arareobalious.

Oson-iman: /looks at his wrist-watch then faces the team/ I think we still have some minutes more to organize our plans.

Soyinka: Of course.

Oson-iman: You can take that as a chance to address the team.

Soyinka: Okay sir.

At the Toilet
Wide-pocket: /after waiting for some minutes, he blows the whistles/

Big-Tommy: Coach, is that you?

Wide-Pocket: Get out of that place and stop asking a foolish question /Blows the whistle/.

Big-Tommy: / Speaking Yoruba-English/ ooo Wide-Pocket it is you. /grunting as he blasts out another bolus of jakes/.

Wide-Pocket: Awusubillahi! /covering his nose/

Big-Tommy: /breathes out/ Hmmm, Wide-Pocket, I think you will have to come and go again, because I have not finished here. So you better be going.

Wide-Pocket: /shouts at him/ Come out of that place /blows the whistle/ come out of that place now! Now! /blows the whistle/ dan banza! /blows the whistle/.

Big-Tommy: /angry/ What is doing you so? Can't you see I'm busy?

Wide-Pocket: Busy indeed.

Big-Tommy: /sulking/ You better watch yourself and be careful with me!

Wide-Pocket: /shouting/ You are wasting our time. The match will start now.

Big-Tommy: Then let me prepare.

Wide-Pocket: /raising his voice/ Inside the toilet?

Big-Tommy: /getting emotionally uneven/ You are not well. I said I am busy. /Sighs/ Simple question, you can't understand.

Wide-Pocket: /creating an elogium/ He who eats too much, shits too much!

Big-Tommy: /laughs/ So you too can kill proverb this way.

Wide-Pocket: /keeps blowing the whistle for a long time. Soon he goes to get a plank to hit the door/ You know what, /creating an epithet/you, my ex-ex-president of a human being? Had it being that your results were as much good as the food you consume, things would have been better. But now, much of your shits are the public’s feed.

Big-Tommy: E be like say it does not want to better for you abi? Abi you want sango to strike you to death ni?

Wide-Pocket: /spits here and there/ I pray Allah returns my strength with the way your disaster has sapped it!

Big-Tommy: /quoting him/ “He who eats too much shits too much” ehn? /hisses/ See your mouth. Next time, you say, /quoting/ they who eat too much shit too much. /Grunts/ We eat too much and give too many shits to the public toilet to consume.

Wide-Pocket: What a big lie. Who does not know that you're the number one big baraho banza in this yard? Is that not why you're fatter than I am, having your bulldozering stomach hanging murderously above your belt.

Big-Tommy: /grunting as he evacuates another blast/

Wide-Pocket: Kai!!

Big-Tommy: Ask Lucky. He knows better.
Second Motion Page
At the Proletariat’s Awning

soyinka: /Addressing the team/ Listen everybody. /He clears his throat/ one thing we’ve got to understand is that the people, against whom we are playing, are Janus-faced. They have so many slick tactics which, as I perceive at this moment, are flowing very savagely from the uncus of their mundane senses. Hence, as they decondescend against the calisthenics of our Vulcan wheels, ours is to condescend, in order to make them as Hephaestian as possible; to pit them against their wits, lest we be in a jam enough to be allowed to stew in our juice!

Udeme: Nna what are you saying? Who told you we are here for a party or jam? Or which one be stew and juice wey you dey join put for that side?

Soyinka: /ignores him/ We shall work as a team and must not be detracted! Keep close tabs on the ball and not the persons, for our business here is to get the ball, the cup and not the person!

Team (except for Udeme and Saheed who are still trying to understand what the captain has said): /in unison/ Yes sir.

Soyinka: Now let’s pray in the name of Ogun!

Femi and seun: That's okay.

Udeme: Mbanu!

Catalyst: Never

Paragonni: Impossible, except we pray in the name of our prophet, Mohammed!

Paragonni and Saheed: Salwalewasalam!

Udeme: Salwa gini? Nna bone! What about praying in the name of Jesus? I can tell you he is capable of helping us. In fact, my business is a strong proof of his Omnipotency in case you still doubt whether he is true or false.

Folan: Guy, we no want. Na Olumba-Olumba go do the thing.

Soyinka: Gobbledygook!!!

Catalyst: /tries to calm everybody/ Everybody listen. I understand the fact that we all want to hold gamely to our religious beliefs (at least before the game begins). But as the case is, now, the whole is becoming un-equable. I suggest we pray in the name of God, or Allah or Chineke or whatever linguistic translations you wanna give to the name.

Folan: No. I think Guru-marharaji will be okay.

Udeme: /to Folan/ Nna, shet up there! We don't even know which one you are supporting.

Folan: Na Holy Mary na, Mother of Christ of Jehovah or mammy-water of Yemoja.

Udeme: /shakes his head in dismay/ Chai!

Catalyst: /laughing/.

Paragonni: /trying to force the prayer/ Ali-fatiya!

Saheed: /backing/ Bismillahi rak mo nu ro in...

Udeme: In Jesus name, heavenly father...

Soyinka, Seun and Femi: Oh Ogun god of iron, we call on you this day.

Folan: /Melodramatic. Trying to imitate an Indian accent. He sustains every last word in his lyrics/
Ayan ayan tuvan! Ayan ayan tuvan! /he starts dancing and rapping/ Baniki, janiki, vaniki, laniki, taniki, kaniki, turi bashka turi eh!!!

Oson-iman: /Enters. Shouts/ What's this noise about?

Folan: Janiman!

Oson-Iman: /shouts loud/ Stop this noise!

(They all continue very religiously)

Too BE Continued......