Dear Nairalanders, my younger brother, 36 years old will be getting married in February, since I'm going to stand in as his father, (we lost our dad 20 years ago), I asked him to let's get settled and make plans as per expenses that will concern me
He got a civil service job in July 2014, 7 years after youth corps, his pay is less than 60k per month
He is engaged to an HND holder unemployed lady from Ogun State but her family is based in Lagos
We are from Akure, Ondo State
I have promised to take care of his engagement list and food/drinks for the wedding
Honestly, my thought is that I will spend between N200-250k in all and I have adequately made provision for that
I received engagement list on December 24, 2014 only to see a list of about 200k and an additional list of demands totalling almost N350k
This other demands include a live cow, different kinds of fishes, bags of rice and yams, elubo gbodo, money for ingredients, clothing materials and shoes for both parent of the bride and "painting of their house" in Iju-Ishaga, area of Lagos
This family also asked for a list of 10 important dignitaries from our family who must attend the engagement
I asked from my younger brother if all these were discussed with him and he said NO, he told me they gave him his own list which is up to 150k, I became curios and wanted to find out what's wrong because I think something must be wrong somewhere
The young man is confused and every attempt to resolve issues with his fiancée has been leading to serious disagreement between them to the point of he now wanting to discontinue the wedding
I asked an uncle, a retired headmaster to help mediate with the family, he did but to my dismay, I received a letter from the family after service today pleading with me to go ahead and foot the bill since they know "I am capable" of even more than that, my uncle said the lady went to her family to present me as the father of the groom and a rich person, and this is gentle me, a lecturer and poultry farmer who does almost all my things with cooperative loan from my office
I can squeeze myself to get the money but will that augur well for the family in future! I think the family may become a thorn in my brother's flesh in terms of frivolous demands in the future
What kind of rubbish is this!
I told a friend of mine who is with me now about it and he keep saying it cannot be true calling it "January fool" if there is anything like that
I got married 9 years ago, I think may be I am out of tune with the trends in wedding ceremonies and therefore feel like asking from you great Nairalanders about how you feel and your opinion on what I could do
I haven't show the letter to my younger brother because I don't agree with his desire to discontinue the wedding, I believe things can still be sorted out
Thanks and God bless

You are lucky the lady aint from the South-East, you could have been planning to spend roughly 2million naira at least.
With this kinda cheap requirements you mentioned I am already contemplating picking a wifey from the South-West if I ever settle to be in that bondage called marriage.
Try as much as you can to provide the stipulated amount of money and when the girl comes into the family let her know you and your brother's financial capacity so she don't go billing y'all like MTN

emperorchedda:
You are lucky the lady aint from the South-East, you could have been planning to spend roughly 2million naira at least.
With this kinda cheap requirements you mentioned I am already contemplating picking a wifey from the South-West if I ever settle to be in that bondage called marriage.
Try as much as you can to provide the stipulated amount of money and when the girl comes into the family let her know you and your brother's financial capacity so she don't go billing y'all like MTN

Thank you bros, do you know I wouldn't have ask questions if the lady is from SouthEast
But she is a fellow Yoruba like myself now!

wwwkaycom:
Thank you bros, do you know I wouldn't have ask questions if the lady is from SouthEast
But she is a fellow Yoruba like myself now!

the mistake has been made, correct it when your bro has married her. Then you'll be in charge and won't be coerced to provide what you find suspicious

Wow! This is really serious.
Where's Chaircover?
I'm not really experienced in tackling issues like this, but I would advice you meet with the family personally to iron out this issue with them (since they didn't listen to your uncle).
Honestly, something like this happened mid last year to someone close to me. After the bride's family demanded all sorts in the engagement list, plus payment for two different halls(one for engagement, another bigger for the wedding reception), they still told the groom's parents that they and their guests would not be catered for, so they should arrange their own catering (unbelievable, but true!).
Well, the groom's mum reached out to her relatives and they helped out when the expenses got too much to handle.
What if the groom's parents didn't have anyone to run to?
The issue really got me annoyed when I heard it, but I had no say.
Reading a similar story now makes me wonder........

Anyway, I'm very interested in this issue. A lot is going to be learned here.

The family must be poor and therefore need an assistance in renovating their house, you will also see that all that they would need for the wedding in terms of food and drinks are being demanded from you, it could be as a result of their poor financial standing and they see it as opportunity to get those things from you since their daughter has presented you as a "rich man" to them, the lady must be young and immature
My advise is that you call the lady and speak maturely to her, educate her on the need not to put pressure on her hubby when they are eventually married, counseling her that they have a bright future together
Sixty thousand naira as a starting salary is not bad if the couple won't live in Lagos, they can manage together but the issue of pressure from inlaws should be sorted out now
Please Sir, go ahead and assist them since you have made up your mind to do so and since you can afford it, don't allow the wedding to be suspended, it could turn out to be so bad especially for the lady, thanks

Don't spend a kobo more than you intended to.
Call the lady and your brother and talk sense to them. Stupidity is this, she is not concerned about how they will survive on N 60000 after marriage she wants to show off. Foolish girl she is

@OP, let your brother postpone the wedding if the family insist on their demand
They will soon turn him to ATM machine from where they want to draw money from time to time, failure on your brother's part will cause crises which may break up the family, na my own advise be that o

wwwkaycom:
Dear Nairalanders, my younger brother, 36 years old will be getting married in February, since I'm going to stand in as his father, (we lost our dad 20 years ago), I asked him to let's get settled and make plans as per expenses that will concern me
He got a civil service job in July 2014, 7 years after youth corps, his pay is less than 60k per month
He is engaged to an HND holder unemployed lady from Ogun State but her family is based in Lagos
We are from Akure, Ondo State
I have promised to take care of his engagement list and food/drinks for the wedding
Honestly, my thought is that I will spend between N200-250k in all and I have adequately made provision for that
I received engagement list on December 24, 2014 only to see a list of about 200k and an additional list of demands totalling almost N350k
This other demands include a live cow, different kinds of fishes, bags of rice and yams, elubo gbodo, money for ingredients, clothing materials and shoes for both parent of the bride and "painting of their house" in Iju-Ishaga, area of Lagos
This family also asked for a list of 10 important dignitaries from our family who must attend the engagement
I asked from my younger brother if all these were discussed with him and he said NO, he told me they gave him his own list which is up to 150k, I became curios and wanted to find out what's wrong because I think something must be wrong somewhere
The young man is confused and every attempt to resolve issues with his fiancée has been leading to serious disagreement between them to the point of he now wanting to discontinue the wedding
I asked an uncle, a retired headmaster to help mediate with the family, he did but to my dismay, I received a letter from the family after service today pleading with me to go ahead and foot the bill since they know "I am capable" of even more than that, my uncle said the lady went to her family to present me as the father of the groom and a rich person, and this is gentle me, a lecturer and poultry farmer who does almost all my things with cooperative loan from my office
I can squeeze myself to get the money but will that augur well for the family in future! I think the family may become a thorn in my brother's flesh in terms of frivolous demands in the future
What kind of rubbish is this!
I told a friend of mine who is with me now about it and he keep saying it cannot be true calling it "January fool" if there is anything like that
I got married 9 years ago, I think may be I am out of tune with the trends in wedding ceremonies and therefore feel like asking from you great Nairalanders about how you feel and your opinion on what I could do
I haven't show the letter to my younger brother because I don't agree with his desire to discontinue the wedding, I believe things can still be sorted out
Thanks and God bless

advice in one line do nit foot d bills if dey dnt cut u dnt vr hands.dnt evn tell dem d amount uve in mind.n i op ur bro is nt makin a mistake cos he is looking at his age cos dat lady can not plan a homee n she will very proud libing an xpensive life.a woman who can not plan d home will draw a man backward.she kmos d income of her hubby n yet still supporting her parentss.hmmmmm some gals shaaaaa rome wos not built in a day/life na in stages oooo.is not about drink dance n say i do.is about if in ten to twenty years time u are still saying i do

mamajohn:
The family must be poor and therefore need an assistance in renovating their house, you will also see that all that they would need for the wedding in terms of food and drinks are being demanded from you, it could be as a result of their poor financial standing and they see it as opportunity to get those things from you since their daughter has presented you as a "rich man" to them, the lady must be young and immature
My advise is that you call the lady and speak maturely to her, educate her on the need not to put pressure on her hubby when they are eventually married, counseling her that they have a bright future together
Sixty thousand naira as a starting salary is not bad if the couple won't live in Lagos, they can manage together but the issue of pressure from inlaws should be sorted out now
Please Sir, go ahead and assist them since you have made up your mind to do so and since you can afford it, don't allow the wedding to be suspended, it could turn out to be so bad especially for the lady, thanks

re u married?.hmmm u dnt kno wot is inlaw.in marriage d way u start shows hw u will continue nd any attempt to start creating changes ltr can lead to a broken home.u nva kno some pple n hw dey reason

I thought they said Yoruba grooms dont spend a dime for the traditional marriage rites

Be as it may, my stand on such issues remains : Only a greedy, hungry family gives a prospective in-law ridiculous list all in the name of marriage. Nothing to do with tribe.

@OP, Call your brothers bride and tell her to warn her people, In very clear terms. You and definitely your brother have no such money to spend so its left for her and her parents to do the right thing or she marry herself. Simples.

Nawa o.
So yoruba groom dey get lists too. Even life cow
Okay.
Watching as things unfold.

Some parents can be so inconsiderate. Nawa.

aisha2:
Don't spend a kobo more than you intended to.
Call the lady and your brother and talk sense to them. Stupidity is this, she is not concerned about how they will survive on N 60000 after marriage she wants to show off. Foolish girl she is

O Seun jare Aisha omo iya mi
Can you see the problems Africans put themselves through!
This op must have sponsored his brother's education since their dad died a long ago, must have fed him through the 7 years of unemployment and he has to take a cooperative loan of 550 thousand naira now to finance his wedding! Let the wedding be called off if the family is insisting on their frivolous demands, there are better ladies in town, responsible, employed in good places and single, the young guy will get a better woman as wife jare

aisha2:
Don't spend a kobo more than you intended to.
Call the lady and your brother and talk sense to them. Stupidity is this, she is not concerned about how they will survive on N 60000 after marriage she wants to show off. Foolish girl she is

What is wrong with ladies?

Do u know, a married friend told me that as big man wedding concern during my wedding, that I will hire a bus that will take her and my other friends to our wedding,then provide hotel accommodation for those that will sleep over. Hian!
Who tell am say I dey do big man wedding abi she wan pull my leg.
When I noticed d thing is gathering momentum as babe's r calling that they must come o, I restrategized and changed my venue. 2 days journey unless u can come by air. Case settled.
Till date some still don't pick my calls. As if I care.
Ladies making their marital life a disaster from d beginning.

joa2013:
@OP, let your brother postpone the wedding if the family insist on their demand
They will soon turn him to ATM machine from where they want to draw money from time to time, failure on your brother's part will cause crises which may break up the family, na my own advise be that o

My own is to dump her and get a non materialistic gal to marry abeg.

What mentality is this?
Guy, hands off completely.
She is not d only woman around unless she don get belle. Even at that.
One naira she don't have but want to milk d family dry.
Greedy hungry fellas.

Paint house keh

moca:

My own is to dump her and get a non materialistic gal to marry abeg.

What mentality is this?
Guy, hands off completely.
She is not d only woman around unless she don get belle. Even at that.
One naira she don't have but want to milk d family dry.
Greedy hungry fellas.

Even if she don get belle nko! She can still be ditched

Your brother's employment/income stability is minimal (7months) and 720k a year is not a whole lot in Lagos for a reasonable standard of living
His bride-to-be is unemployed
Why are they wanting to get married before establishing some sort of finabcial stability and why are you enabling them?
IMO, the 250k you have budgeted should be a dash to them directly to finance a business venture that will improve their financial circumstances.

STOP right there!!!!
Warning signs are flashing . . .I hope you and your brother are taking note

Unemployed Graduate for 7 years finally got a job paying N60k and someone somewhere is writing a list for hundreds of thousands of Naira!
I hope they dont push your brother into crime in the long run. Many of those people pushing drugs, rituals, 419, fraud in the office etc started from financial stresses somewhere.

I wouldnt have minded if their daughter was contributing . . .but she is unemployed. What does she bring to the table.

No long story, a broken relationship os better than a broken marriage. Yorubas say iyawo buruku she fe, ana burkuku o she ni. Better to have a bad wife than bad inlaws.

Infact bearing in mind the financial capability of the couple, the whole wedding from start to finish should not be more than N150K.
it really annoys me when people like to do copy copy, show the world what I am not when they cant afford to.
There is still plenty of time to flex muscle and spend money. There are brthdays, wedding anniversarys, births, childrens birthdays, childrens weddings and all what not in the future.

Are you going to sustain them after they are married? The rich people you call wont they go back to their homes after the wedding? What a foolish girl . . she is even fighting her fiance over this. What will they spend after the wedding?

Personally if that was my brother, I will call their bluff. Start as you mean to go on.
Tomorrow now they will ask for a car and you will start complaining forgetting that you indulged them from the onset.
Tell them you can only afford the N150k and if they cant make do with that, they should give your brother time to raise the balance.
After 3 months no one will tell them to call you and beg you to bring the amount you have.
I hate nonsense

This sounds so much like what you see in Nollywood movies. OP,I'm pretty sure u know how they and, not pretty. Even if u decide to 'grudgingly' sponsor the wedding,how about life after the wedding? what is your brother's take in all this? Some people know how destroy what they have before the even enjoy it.

tell your brother to take to his heel with immediate effect, let him run for his life
My ordeal in the hand of Biola my former wife and her family started this way, if he go ahead with the , he may regret it later
I divorced Biola quite rite but that's after 15 months of legal issues, adjournments, counselling and all that
Please find time to read through my story, let your brother also read if possible, read and be persuaded to stop the wedding now, cheers!
www.nairaland.com/1287146

wow dis is much ooo.but try ur best sha.den let d girl know dat u are d elder brother nd also using wisdom in terms of finance.make her knw u are not atm machine and she shuld b ready to live within her hubbys means.i am an igbo lady married to ondo and my hubby did not spend up to dat oooo.infact im d only daughter of my father nd my dad being a business man understands hw income is dis days nd was very linient on my hubby der by gaining his family respect.by d way im an event planner abeg no make job pass me oooo. call or watsap 08130854603.

BE READY TO FINANCE YOUR BRO AND HIS FAMILY IN FUTURE!!!

I wonder what some people has turn marriage into. Am a Yoruba lady and I know aa matter of fact that such list which you mentioned is not synonymous with any part of Yoruba land.

Your in-laws are really shameless to be able to give you and your brother such outrageous trad list.

I would advise your brother to leave such a lady and move ahead with his life because if he has such inappropriate in-laws, that mean something is also wrong with the bride.

In all I wish you and your brother all the best.

my advise is dont pay all the money, especially after dat letter stating u r capable.

these pple have this impression dat u r rich, if u pay up now, get ready to pay lots

of other bills dat are going to be thrown at u, u will become the family's cash cow.

N if u dont help then they will think u r being wicked, let them know the real u now o

if not, u will come here and complain how u brother's wife is treating him badly.

This is ridiculous!

I don't like d idea of elaborate wedding.
Cow and bags of fish again? Hair plaiting,material for relatives e.t.c KINI Believe me,even if you provide a million,they would stil complain.

What happens to ''CUTTING COAT ACCORDING TO THEIR CLOTH''?
What shall is profit her after showing up and they go back to start drinking garri without sugar

emperorchedda:
the mistake has been made, correct it when your bro has married her. Then you'll be in charge and won't be coerced to provide what you find suspicious

I do not agree with you. Op, you and your brother should lay your cards open. And let her and her family know what is on ground. Some fathers are looking for who to dash their daughters to free of charge. While some are making things difficult.

Infact, threaten them. Say you are not interested in the marriage again. And ask your brother to stop calling her for one month and see if they wunt come and beg.
if you dance to their tune now, they will never stop. Maybe one day after marriage, her father will ask for private jet.

1. Let him put her in the family way, after 4 months when belle don dey show d family go know hw far

2. Let him cancel d wedding kwata kwata, if you ask me that's not a good family to even marry into. Paint house! Buy different types of Fish! Help me see longer throat!

Let him tie a suzukis powerbike engine to his legs.

As for me o, don't stop the wedding but don't also spend more than you planned, call the bride to be and speak sense into her head, let her make a choice between postponement of her wedding or she talk to her family to be considerate
Meet the family one on one and explain things to them as per the groom to be financial stand and expectations, that things are going to be alright, with this they are going to see reason
After the wedding, I believe the couple will live far away from the family sha o!

You are pretto correct dear,the lady is quite foolish i tell you.she would have been the one to talk to her parents.ebe like say they want to sell the pikin.!your brother must be d most foolish for displaying you as uncle 'rich'i an also sure you went un your inlaws with your brand new ferrari coupled with a long flowing in an abgada!trus the need to say heavily!if i were you ,would go along wit your brother and forget her pls.by the time dem no see una,they will all come low with the prices

aisha2:
Don't spend a kobo more than you intended to.
Call the lady and your brother and talk sense to them. Stupidity is this, she is not concerned about how they will survive on N 60000 after marriage she wants to show off. Foolish girl she is