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To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? - Romance - Nairaland

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To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 8:16pm On Jan 20, 2015
Before me is a decision 2 marry or not marry a Single mom.

We'v been friends 4 about a yr
She has a child b4 nw.
The child has been with her parent all the while.

What am I likely to encounter if I go ahead?
Will u marry such Lady?
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by delishpot: 8:26pm On Jan 20, 2015
As a guy, I think you have nothing to worry about sha is the child male or female? As long as you treat the child well, I see no reason why there will be any significant problem.

1 Like

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 8:28pm On Jan 20, 2015
what a test of love! prove it if you love her.

yes! Op prove it
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by ronald4lif(m): 8:32pm On Jan 20, 2015
I see nothing wrong in marrying a single mom, if you love her why not. The only issue is why she kept it away from you for a long time. But maybe if she had open up at the initial stages you both may not have come this far. So I think you should go ahead with whatever future plans you had for her prior to this revelation.

But please if you are not ready to man up and treat her kid(s) like your own and is going to rub it on her face at any slightest argument you may as well let go of her
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 8:57pm On Jan 20, 2015
For me, it's a NO! And I'm going 2 give the cold hard facts to you comprehensively.

Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.

Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a "partner" to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.

One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated that single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.

No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.

1 Like

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 9:01pm On Jan 20, 2015
Here is a short list of problems you may encounter but not limited to these

1. Being a "partner" means you get to pay for half- if not more: I have seen men putting money away for college for a kid that´s not his. Buying ridiculous amounts of brand name clothes, expensive homes etc all in an effort to be in a so-called "family".
 
2. The Family you just got into is by invitation only: In being a step- parent you are not the basic unit. The mother and child together are the basic unit. No matter what is said or mentioned before marriage, you will never come before her child. You will always be in a family and relationship where you come second, maybe third.
 
3. No matter what you think her ex is going to be there forever: In just about every case the child´s father does not seem to be in the picture during the dating and courtship stage but seems to suddenly show up after. Just about every time you will be dragged into the endless bickering and fights they have and you will not be liked by him "its only natural remember"
 
4. Her kid will most likely not like you very much. Let´s face it you´re sleeping with their mom and most of the time the child will see you as a roadblock to his parents getting back together. Most likely the mom has made you the giver of discipline in the relationship, being the man and all which results in the kid hating you.
 
5. All that time you had together with your new love will end after marriage. The number one job of a single mom is simply to be a mom. She is not a party girl, hiker, camper, biker, clubber etc. Just be prepared for a frontal assault on your time and money after marriage. You will find your weekdays taken up with homework, PTA meetings, suppers at home, and early bed times. Weekends will be the time for the child´s extra-curricular activities and other activities
 
6. You will wonder what happened to all your money. Most men involved with a single mom report that their money seems to dry up. Children are expensive and expensive like most men have no idea. Between school supplies, clothing, vast amounts of food, babysitters if you ever want to go out, medications, fees, sports, supplies, toys and such; well, there will be little left.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 9:04pm On Jan 20, 2015
7. You will never really be accepted. I have observed time and time again the heartbreak of a step parent as the child gets older. After putting them through school, providing a place to live, food, getting the child all kinds of gifts and honestly really caring about the child. The time comes for a grad or a wedding, the child invites mom and dad to the party; and thanks them for all their love and work. Usually there is not even an acknowledgment of effort.
 
8. You will have no time for errors. A lot of single men get involved with the single mom and her kids when the child is a bit older. Being inexperienced with children becomes a huge burden as the single man has no time to learn parenting skills; and mistakes are not readily forgiven nor forgotten when a kid is 4 compared to 14.
 
9. You may think it ends, but it never does. I know many men whose single mom wife promised them a completely different life after junior turned 18 or so. At the beginning of the relationship it looked like just a few years and then total privacy and freedom. but it never does.
 
10. You will have nothing to show for it. In the end when most men have their own children the work and effort is well worth it. The men did their best and raised a family, continued a line, get grandchildren etc. As a step-parent you have contributed as much but you have nothing. Nobody carries on your name and most men realize they are not even ever thanked for their sacrifice.
 
11. The legalities can kill you. There have been numerous cases where a man has divorced or left a single mom and then found himself liable financially for her child. Although not the father he will be responsible for child payments, extra fees and most certainly university far after they are 18 check the laws out, it´s a raw deal. Couple that with some alimony and child abuse claims you get the whole effect of being a divorced and homeless dad with not one child of your own.
 
12. In the end women have asked for their freedom to make their own choices now for decades. I would advise all single men to let single moms make their choice of having a child by themselves and then live with it. Don´t involve yourself with these women under any circumstances. It can be in many ways, the death of a man.
 
Well it´s a rough guide and you were warned

2 Likes

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 9:19pm On Jan 20, 2015
delishpot:
As a guy, I think you have nothing to worry about sha is the child male or female? As long as you treat the child well, I see no reason why there will be any significant problem.

Treat the child well? I have no experience in that field, but seriously I feel somehow bad anytime she mentions the child. I Jst need to be truthful. Will the child even welcome me.
Nobody's post is revealing a lot.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 9:23pm On Jan 20, 2015
unpredictedone:
what a test of love! prove it if you love her.

yes! Op prove it

Test of love? Humnnn...
I really love dz Lady bt I av nothing 2 prove. have u heard of letting some1 go if u truly love them?... dts with d dangers dt may occur if u let them stay.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 9:27pm On Jan 20, 2015
ronald4lif:
I see nothing wrong in marrying a single mom, if you love her why not. The only issue is why she kept it away from you for a long time. But maybe if she had open up at the initial stages you both may not have come this far. So I think you should go ahead with whatever future plans you had for her prior to this revelation.

But please if you are not ready to man up and treat her kid(s) like your own and is going to rub it on her face at any slightest argument you may as well let go of her

Thank you.
Is there anything manly about treating kids like my own when they actually aren't mine. Remember, The father who owns the child is nt even manly enough to accept what is his in the first place

1 Like

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by delishpot: 9:30pm On Jan 20, 2015
balaclava:


Treat the child well? I have no experience in that field, but seriously I feel somehow bad anytime she mentions the child. I Jst need to be truthful. Will the child even welcome me.
Nobody's post is revealing a lot.

Treat well means not abusing the child.. Treating the child as you would treat yours. No favouritism and no abuse because the child isnt yours.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 9:31pm On Jan 20, 2015
It´s a rough guide and you were warned

Mr Nobody, u seems to av disappeared. Bt u really make dz package fear me ooo. I no go lie
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 9:35pm On Jan 20, 2015
no
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by delishpot: 9:37pm On Jan 20, 2015
balaclava:


Thank you.
Is there anything manly about treating kids like my own when they actually aren't mine. Remember, The father who owns the child is nt even manly enough to accept what is his in the first place

With this your idea, nna mehn just leave the babe. You cant cope with her or that child having this mindset and you cant be a good father figure in this young childs life If all you see is an abandoned property anytime he says good morning sir/dad to you. If you see no reason why a step mother cant treat her step child like her own, why is the idea of treating your wifes child like yours hard?
Abeg, no need to make rub salt in that childs injury. He knows he was abandoned by his dad no need to rub it in. You cant cope, dont marry.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by ronald4lif(m): 9:39pm On Jan 20, 2015
balaclava:


Thank you.
Is there anything manly about treating kids like my own when they actually aren't mine. Remember, The father who owns the child is nt even manly enough to accept what is his in the first place

Well, the kids I reckon are more closer to their mom than their father, women and kids are inseparable so for you to bond well with her you should be very ready to play a fatherly role in their lives. When there's a disconnection between you and them it's likely to affect your relationship with their mom. They are not your biological kids but they can become like your adopted kids. There is a high probability that they will see you like the father they never had and treats you in that regard when they grow up. But even if they don't, you didn't do it for them. You did for love of their mother and more importantly for humanity.

Please make up your mind to either play a fatherly role for them or quit the relationship. My hope is that you opt for the former option and stand with the woman you have grown to love over the course of the relationship
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 9:39pm On Jan 20, 2015
delishpot:


With this your idea, nna mehn just leave the babe. You cant cope with her having this mindset and you cant be a good father figure in this young childs life. If you see no reason why a step mother cant treat her step child like her own, why is the idea of treating your wifes child like yours hard?
Abeg, no need to make rub salt in that childs injury. He knows he was abandoned by his dad no need to rub it in. You cant cope, dont marry.

Thank you one more time
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by delishpot: 9:40pm On Jan 20, 2015
balaclava:


Thank you one more time


Welcome sir.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by bukit05(f): 10:19pm On Jan 20, 2015
For me, it's a NO! And I'm going 2 give the cold hard facts to you comprehensively.

Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.

Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a "partner" to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.

One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated that single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.

No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Polithiefcian(m): 11:01pm On Jan 20, 2015
60% of young ladies are single mom, they may or dey may not reveal dis to u. (Quote me if am wrong)

I have met so many of dem. There is even a particular lady with two kids olredy, yet she wants to marry a single guy wtf undecided


For me, its a NO. If I don't av a child yet, y shd I settle for a lady with kid(s)

1 Like

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by nicerod(m): 11:11pm On Jan 20, 2015
She told u y wori?
Get hold of her b4 u lose her,luv matas&b ready 2 bear d child's responsibily Gudluck
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 12:10am On Jan 21, 2015
If she's good n comppatible wt u; carry on; n b ready to treat d child like urs..
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 7:05am On Jan 21, 2015
nicerod:
She told u y wori?
Get hold of her b4 u lose her,luv matas&b ready 2 bear d child's responsibily Gudluck

Thank u
Will u do same?
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 7:07am On Jan 21, 2015
Raymondenyi:
If she's good n comppatible wt u; carry on; n b ready to treat d child like urs..

Can one truely treat what's not yours like it's yours 100%? What's ideal is different from what's real.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 7:17am On Jan 21, 2015
All I read is people talking about "the child, the child, the child". Like the child is a 'god' of the relationship.
The child seems to matter more in the union than even the couples n if it b so then something is nt right. Don't the phrase let no man(child) put them asunder matter.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by nicerod(m): 8:25am On Jan 21, 2015
balaclava:


Thank u
Will u do same?
i
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by superman01(m): 8:43am On Jan 21, 2015
For me, it's a NO! And I'm going 2 give the cold hard facts to you comprehensively.

Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.

Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a "partner" to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.
nobody is above mistakes not even you, most ladies are single moms today just because of one single mistake.my fiancée is an independent single mom, who is ambitious and trust me there are one thousand and one men who will kill to marry her if I ever leave her which I am never going to do. guy are single ladies with bigger issues than single moms so if u meet a single mom u love go ahead and build a beautiful home with her


One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated that single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.

No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by superman01(m): 8:45am On Jan 21, 2015
For me, it's a NO! And I'm going 2 give the cold hard facts to you comprehensively.

Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.

Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a "partner" to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.
nobody is above mistakes not even you, most ladies are single moms today just because of one single mistake.my fiancée is an independent single mom, who is ambitious and trust me there are one thousand and one men who will kill to marry her if I ever leave her which I am never going to do. guy there are single ladies with bigger issues than single moms so if u meet a single mom u love go ahead and build a beautiful home with her


One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated that single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.

No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by Nobody: 9:44am On Jan 21, 2015
People are not as replaceable as we think. If you find her compatible on all levels i say go with her so she has a kid and this may teach you to expand how to love at the end of the day you may not encounter all the complications people are talking about and you may. I don't believe the woman will be all about the kid's happiness she cares about you and will probably do her best to make you happy as well she i am sure will learn how to balance it. Its not going to be easy for her too but with love and faith on both sides i am sure you guys will do just fine.

1 Like

Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 10:57am On Jan 21, 2015
nicerod:
i wsh 2 date a single mum cos i wnt 2 knw hw it feels like takin care of anoda man's baby

Lol... bt it's easier said/written than done
Believe me
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 11:00am On Jan 21, 2015
[quote author=superman01 post=29986434][/quote]

Superman01 may I knw why u quoted Nobody? Wts ur opinion pls
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 11:03am On Jan 21, 2015
[quote author=bukit05 post=29978067][/quote]

bukit05 u did nt comment, u only quoted Nobody, may I ask what ur opinion is of d quote?
Re: To Marry Or Not To Marry A Single Mum. Will U? by balaclava: 11:03am On Jan 21, 2015
andromida:
People are not as replaceable as we think. If you find her compatible on all levels i say go with her so she has a kid and this may teach you to expand how to love at the end of the day you may not encounter all the complications people are talking about and you may. I don't believe the woman will be all about the kid's happiness she cares about you and will probably do her best to make you happy as well she i am sure will learn how to balance it. Its not going to be easy for her too but with love and faith on both sides i am sure you guys will do just fine.

Thank u, I appreciate ur words of courage

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