1
Unfortunately,
according to relationship
scientist John Gottman,
69% of relationship
conflicts are persistent
problems, meaning they
revolve around issues
that tend to resurface
no matter how long
you’ve been together. If
you find a problem
seems to call up painful
emotions, you’re
looking at one that’s
persistent.
To stop this trouble
from ruining your
relationship, you’ll need
to address the bigger
issues underlying your
difficulty. Take turns
discussing with your
partner what this
loaded issue really
means to you. When
your partner is talking,
your job is to listen, be
nonjudgmental and to
find something in her
perspective that makes
sense to you. When it’s
your turn to talk, she
should be doing the
same thing. By treading
more gently into touchy
areas, you should at
least be able to agree
to disagree or make
some small concessions
for one another.

2 As long as an argument doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve been through an emotional roller coaster, consider it fixable. One major area that causes
tension in relationships
is finances, with a
longitudinal study by
economist Jay Zagorsky finding that 33% of couples have seriously divergent views on income, wealth and debts. In particular, the initial stages of living together may be especially fraught with
monetary concerns. So
that this problem doesn’t spiral out of control, sit down with your other half and craft a detailed action plan, consulting any resources that might
help to get your finances on track. You
should both be able to
live with the new
arrangement or it won’t work. Use this method to address any other problems in your life that you deem fixable.

3 Troubled relationships tend to follow a demand-withdraw pattern. That means that one person tends to be more critical and demanding, while the other tends to withdraw or shut down in response to conflict. Douglas Tilley, a proponent of emotion-focused therapy, notes that 85% of the time men tend to be the withdrawer. The reason may be biological --
men’s cardiovascular
systems are more
responsive to stress,
so tuning out your mate is an attempt to avoid uncomfortable
sensations. To break
the negative pattern of
conflict in your
relationship, next time
things get heated, let
your partner know
what’s going on with
you by saying: “I can
see this issue is
important to you. I’m
feeling too angry to
discuss it right now,
though, so let’s come
back to it once we’ve
cooled off.”

4 While outbursts of anger are common even in healthy relationships,
when anger becomes
an entrenched part of
your couple life, you
should be concerned.
Sue Johnson, master
therapist and pioneer of
emotion-focused
therapy, an empirically
validated treatment for
distressed relationships, refers to
anger as a secondary
emotion. Her theory
holds that other
(primary) emotions,
such as sadness or a
fear of being abandoned, can be
found behind an angry
front.
Think back to the last
argument you had with
your partner and use
this new knowledge to
look for hidden
messages in what you
and your partner were
each trying to communicate.
Attempting to
disregard the angry
tone you both used and
trying to tune in to
what you were each
really trying to say will
help you to see that
you both have needs in
your relationship that
make sense. For instance, “You’re a
workaholic!” might
really mean “I miss you
and want to spend
more time with you.”

5 A study conducted in
collaboration with a
dating site in the UK
found that 13% of
couples reported no
longer having the same
goals. This situation
represents a ticking
time bomb, as research
has shown that couples
who share dreams and
goals have longer-
lasting, more
satisfying
relationships
. If you feel like you’ve
been out of sync lately
with your partner on
this front, discuss your
philosophy of life
together. The aim is for
both of you to share
what you want your life
to be about, where you
want to end up and
what these things
mean to you. Look for
anything that’s
common between the
two of you and talk
about ways to work
toward that aspiration
together.

6 When a man is not
willing to share power
with his relationship
partner, John Gottman’s
research indicates there
is an 81% chance that
his relationship will self-
destruct. While hoarding
power may have got
you ahead in your
career, this strategy
will backfire in your
relationship because
your girlfriend will end
up feeling like her
opinions aren’t valuable
and she doesn’t matter
to you. To help save
your relationship,
develop a more
accepting attitude
toward compromise.
Practice by giving in on
issues you don’t feel
extremely invested in.

7 Researchers have
known for a long time
that unhappy couples
focus on the negatives
in their relationships. An
early study by Robinson
and Price (1980) found
that unhappy couples
underestimated the
occurrence of
pleasurable events in
their relationships by
50%. Also, Fincham,
Beach and Baucom
(1987) found that
individuals in distressed
relationships were
prone to attributing
negative intentions to
their partner’s behavior.
If you find yourself
stuck in this rut of
distorted thinking, the
next time you have a
negative thought about
something your partner
has done try to come
up with a more neutral
explanation for her
actions. Another
strategy is to consider
whether you would
judge yourself so
harshly if the situation
were reversed. Finally,
remind yourself often
of the good times
you’ve spent together
recently.

8 Interestingly, the ability
of your relationship to
weather tough times
has a lot to do with
your mutual availability
in the here and now.
Unfortunately, over
time, for a variety of
reasons, many couples
move further apart
from each other,
meaning that when a
rough patch hits, their
relationship doesn’t
survive. To build a rock-
solid relationship, start
by acknowledging
rather than ignoring the
ordinary moments in
your relationship. If your
partner wants to share
something she’s
reading on the net, for
example, take a minute
to listen, even if you
simply grunt in
response. It may sound
strange, but if you
accumulate enough of
the little things, when
you really need your
partner, you’ll find she’s
there for you.

9 Remember when you
first started dating,
how you used to go
that extra mile to
impress her? Well, one
of the secrets to a long,
fulfilling relationship is
to continue to actively
appreciate your partner.
You don’t necessarily
have to pull out all the
stops the way you did
back in the day, but
regular efforts to show
your partner that you
appreciate her will do
wonders for improving
your relationship.
If you’re not sure
where to start, a good
place is by doling out
daily compliments. Tell
her she looks hot or
thank her for
organizational abilities
when she reminds you
to call your mother. The
only rule is to make
sure that you genuinely
mean what you say.

10 How satisfied you feel
in your relationship has
to do with how
connected you feel to
your partner. Research
suggests that our
ability to connect with
others (our attachment
style) is influenced by
our childhood
experiences. According
to Prior and Glasser
(2006), 65% of children
can be classified as
having a secure
attachment style, with
the remaining 35%
having an insecure
attachment style.
As an adult, an insecure
attachment style is
associated with a slew
of relationship troubles,
including jealousy,
obsession, and
emotional highs and
lows. The good news is
that, regardless of your
present pattern, you
can become more
securely attached, or
connected, to your
partner by developing a
deeper friendship. To do
that, incrementally
spend more time with
her doing something
you both enjoy. Also,
regularly ask for
updates on your
partner’s likes, dislikes,
current stressors, and
new interests, as
people change over
time.

Too long, seems like copy and paste, summarise