Happy New Year Everyone!!

This debate has come up in my office. How long should you wait before introducing your children to your significant other? Also, by what method should the meeting take place?


Let's give the children an age - say 10 and 13.

I dont think there's a definite time for that. It depends on the parties involved. If i were a single parent,i'd introduce my child to my bf when i'm sure we're serious,when i'm sure our r/shp is going somewhere. I certainly wouldnt parade a long train of "uncles" in my child's life,but on the other hand,i wouldnt wait until we're talking abt marriage because the way my child relates with him would be a crucial factor in deciding whether we cld have a future together or not. I guess the whole idea is to find the perfect balance btw too early and too late. I'd do it when i wld be sure i loved him and he loved me,all of me,including my child,because he/she wld be a part of me.

@ Don_Ese

Funny how you hit on EXACTLY the same points that were part of the debate. I think your response was excellent!

My rule when I was dating was always 6 months.

By then I know if I want to be serious about him, the background checks have been done and I am ready to introduce him to the kids.

Most people stop pretending at around 3-6 months. By waiting this long I can wait out his pretending and see him for who he is.

@nalijah,thanks.@sistawoman,how can you really be sure after 6 months? I think there cld still be some posers then. Besides,you neva really know anyone,and the same applies to trusting them. Can you really say that you've never introduced a guy who turned abt to be wrong to ur kids,even after 6 months?

Nalijah

The right time is when you are absolutely, positively sure that you are going to marry your partner. Otherwise you will confuse your children if have boyfriends/ girlfriends are in and out of their lives like revolving doors. Moreover, they will have a baffled understanding of the meaning of courtship. It is clear that something between their parents didn't work out; therefore, continuing this pattern will be detrimental to their future relationships.

Don_Ese125:

@nalijah,thanks.@sistawoman,how can you really be sure after 6 months? I think there cld still be some posers then. Besides,you never really know anyone,and the same applies to trusting them. Can you really say that you've never introduced a guy who turned about to be wrong to ur kids,even after 6 months?

No they never made it that long. I am very, very, very picky and most guys dont make it past 6 weeks. Actually it is a joke among my friends that if a dude makes it past 6 weeks he is in like flin. I pick them apart quickly.

The only one that I introduced to them after 6 months and we did not marry was my ex-boyfriend that I dated for 5 years.

Well,sista. 5 years is a long time. Some of us aren't particularly lucky when it comes to guys. We seem to attract to wrong guys a lot. I wouldnt want to expose my child to that.

Don_Ese125:

I don't think there's a definite time for that. It depends on the parties involved. If i were a single parent,i'd introduce my child to my boyfriend when i'm sure we're serious,when i'm sure our r/shp is going somewhere. I certainly wouldnt parade a long train of "uncles" in my child's life,but on the other hand,i wouldnt wait until we're talking about marriage because the way my child relates with him would be a crucial factor in deciding whether we cld have a future together or not. I guess the whole idea is to find the perfect balance between too early and too late. I'd do it when i would be sure i loved him and he loved me,all of me,including my child,because he/she would be a part of me.

My thoughts exactly,

How should the meeting take place?

Invite them over, or take everyone out to dinner?

Nalijah,

No dinners yet, make it as informal as can be. Take them to a park and plan fun activities, and then a picnic there after. It's bound to be fun, and when the children return home their thoughts of the new guy/girl will be filled with the reminder of how much fun they had at the park, which will make them more susceptible to accepting the new partner.

nalijah07:

How should the meeting take place.

Invite them over, or take everyone out to dinner?

Take everyone out to dinner is how I did it the two times I did it.

I met him at the resturant and told my kids were we were going.  We arrived in our seperate cars and we left in our seperate cars.  The next few times we had him over for dinner, and then things just progressed naturally.  They knew I was dating so it was not a surprise that I had gotten serious about one person.

I think having the children meet him on nutrual ground was helpful and my son did not feel like he (my bf) was stepping on his toes (my son).

Don_Ese125:

Well,sista. 5 years is a long time. Some of us aren't particularly lucky when it comes to guys. We seem to attract to wrong guys a lot. I wouldnt want to expose my child to that.

I never wanted to expose them to alot of men that is why i pick them apart so early.  I have my brother do a background check (federal police), I talk and talk and talk.  I visit where he lives.  I really do my due dilligance on the guys and like I said most never made it past 6 weeks.

Vonny:

Nalijah,

No dinners yet, make it as informal as can be. Take them to a park and plan fun activities, and then a picnic there after. It's bound to be fun, and when the children return home their thoughts of the new guy/girl will be filled with the reminder of how much fun they had at the park, which will make them more susceptible to accepting the new partner.

I can see where that would be alot of fun but i guess it depends on the kids.

My kids, like me, what to pick a guy apart. So both times they asked lots of questions from my bf and wanted to know everything. They, esp. my son, are very protective of me.

I might invite the guy over. I'd want my child to have the advanage of bein on home territory. On the other hand,i might want to be on neutral ground so the guy doesnt feel swamped. Personally,i'd go with option 1. My child wld be the most important thing in my life.

An informal setting would be best though. That way,both of them wld be happy.@Sista,LOL at your bro who's a cop. Unfortunately,there are no such things as criminal records in naija.

@ Don_Ese

Is there really no way to do a background check on someone in Naija?

Ummmm. . . .can really say when exactly as it would really depend on the couple and

how fast they are progressing in the relationship

but one things for sure though, the children's intrest are priority, it should be gradual,

and the relationship has to be healthy for all the parties involved,

Its best to do checks beforehand so that man is the father of your kids.

When your partner is dead.Stupid Question

@ landwin

it is not a stupid question


@ poster

when you know the time is right for an introduction, it depends on YOU!

Omolola, my prayer is that you will be more sensible than to fall into such a state where you have to introduce your children to another man.

i dont get it,single parenthing or what 

@ Poster

Why would anyone wait that long to let their partner knows they have children - it is not acceptable as far as I am concern.

The sooner the better - from the very beginning.  No wonder most relationships are falling apart.

@poster,i think is when u know ur relationship with ur partner is serious and will lead to a permanent relationship before introducing him to ur kids,as u dont want to introduce them to a man who isnt going to be there long in there life cos it will break their heart.

When the time is right.