Question: Can a dual-career couple who are Nigerians have egalitarian martital relationships?

So there are two people involved: one a a Nigerian professional woman who is working really hard on an advanced degree and her Nigerian Partner who is also a hardworker with a great job an all. Together, they are dual-career couples. Would it be too much to expect an egalitarian union from the Naija man. Have times changed or not? Would it ever be 50/50?

By Egalitarian I mean: a husband who increases participation in the household, and assumes some of the domestic and childcare responsibilities, which customarily falls on women.

My papa no train me to end up as a homemaker o !! way over qualified for dat kan tin o. Surely with all the money comin in we can afford a homehelp, cook, gardener sef. Mind you I would love to see men doin a lot more around the house, especially our Naija men. If only men came with instruction manual.

That's how I feel too. Why can't Nigerian relationships be egalitarian, 50/50 cos Nigerian men helping their wives out could probably increase nigerian women's appreciation for them. In my opinion, there is nothing more sexy than a man who can cook and cook well.

Why experiement with western improvisation when we already have something that works?

isika82:

That's how I feel too. Why can't Nigerian relationships be egalitarian, 50/50 cos Nigerian men helping their wives out could probably increase nigerian women's appreciation for them. In my opinion, there is nothing more sexy than a man who can cook and cook well.

This girl na wa . . .   Keep looking for a 50/50 guy, when u're 60 tell us.

C2H5OH:

Why experiement with western improvisation when we already have something that works?

. . . that works perrrrrrrrrrfectly. 

C2H5OH:

Why experiement with western improvisation when we already have something that works?

Says who? 

That you've chosen to turn a blind eye and even deafer ears to the voices saying it doesn't and managed to convince yourself that it works. . . does not mean it's reality.

Mai Suya:

. . . that works perrrrrrrrrrfectly. 

See them. . . burying their heads in the sand.

Many people already have 'egalitarian' marriages. (I wonder the need for big grammar anyways )

What about the financial responsibilities that 'customarily' fall on men? Does your egalitarian union involve that as well?

Couples should have these discussions before getting into marriage and resolve them as much as possible before signing the dotted line.

Any reasonable man who knows his wife works as much (if not harder) than he does would do everything in his power to lighten her load, and vice-versa.

This is not about being 50-50. While partners may be 'equal' (i.e holding equal rights and benefits in the relationship) they are not equally endowed or skilled. One or the other will have a greater capacity for some tasks than the other.

As long as they come to an acceptable balance, whether 70-30 or 60-40 or 80-20, then that is the key.

There are women who will feel insulted if the man decides to start cooking and see it as an affront to their culinary skills. Will the man now in the name of '50-50' insist on subjecting her to his atrocious cooking? No.

C2H5OH:

Why experiement with western improvisation when we already have something that works?

I knew that this is where I will find you. Anything that has to do with male supremacy, you will forever be there. . . Shiorr.

In my own family, my father worked about the house o. We had the customary househelps but my father was a mean cook. And I will always remember those cooking competitions between him and my mother that had me and my siblings judging. Those were the good old days. My father's pearly words of wisdom always ring in my ears from time to time "you are not a second class citizen, so don't let any man treat you as one", "you can do anything you set your mind to", "we are not sending you girls to school just to become somebody's baby factory or modern day slave" etc etc etc. So the thing is possible o, it's just that Naija men love lording it over their clueless spouses.

Sapphic:

I knew that this is where I will find you. Anything that has to do with male supremacy, you will forever be there. . . Shiorr.

In my own family, my father worked about the house o. We had the customary househelps but my father was a mean cook. And I will always remember those cooking competitions between him and my mother that had me and my siblings judging. Those were the good old days. My father's pearly words of wisdom always ring in my ears from time to time "you are not a second class citizen, so don't let any man treat you as one", "you can do anything you set your mind to", "we are not sending you girls to school just to become somebody's baby factory or modern day slave" etc etc etc. So the thing is possible o, it's just that Naija men love lording it over their clueless spouses.

Thank you ooooh!

Same here with the daddy thingy. I have 4 brothers and none of them have any qualms about going to the kitchen and cooking because they know it has nothing to do with their manhood. My fondest memory of my dad's cooking was his too sugary yams, I tell ya. . . after each fork, you gotta run to the bathroom because Jedijedi and We also had house helps oooh.

In my opinion, it is the insecure ones who feel like every little thing makes then less of a man, it is the insecure ones who feel the need to exert this yeye man law. It's would be so funny if it weren't extremely sad but you know what is sadder still? It seems like the present generation are a tad worse than our fathers. I mean what happened. . . was it something in the water? How did we get stuck with a generation of insecure pansies?

debosky:

Many people already have 'egalitarian' marriages. (I wonder the need for big grammar anyways  )

What about the financial responsibilities that 'customarily' fall on men? Does your egalitarian union involve that as well?

Couples should have these discussions before getting into marriage and resolve them as much as possible before signing the dotted line.

Any reasonable man who knows his wife works as much (if not harder) than he does would do everything in his power to lighten her load, and vice-versa.

This is not about being 50-50. While partners may be 'equal' (i.e holding equal rights and benefits in the relationship) they are not equally endowed or skilled. One or the other will have a greater capacity for some tasks than the other.

As long as they come to an acceptable balance, whether 70-30 or 60-40 or 80-20, then that is the key.

There are women who will feel insulted if the man decides to start cooking and see it as an affront to their culinary skills. Will the man now in the name of '50-50' insist on subjecting her to his atrocious cooking? No.

Good Points!

Personally, I've always had a problem with these said financial responsibilities that customarily fall on my men. I think anyone who accepts these and the demands equal egaliwhachumacallit is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

My idea of partnership is not that we both sit down and say I will sweep from the living room to the landing and then you take it from there until you get to the kitchen. No, my idea of partnership is when one person sees somethings needs to be done and does it.  I see your laundry piling up. . . I do it. You see dishes in the sink, you do it. You wake up first, get the children ready for school. I finish work early, I pick 'em up. You see my engine lights are on, you stop at the mechanics, I notice your car is dirty. . . I stop at the car wash. (keeping my examples are basic as possible)

I guess stripped down to the very core, my idea of partnership is really doing things for each other without putting much thought into it. . . having to weigh it "Oh is this a woman or a man's job?"

Is this too much to ask??!! 

So there are two people involved: one a a Nigerian professional woman who is working really hard on an advanced degree and her Nigerian Partner who is also a hardworker with a great job an all. Together, they are dual-career couples. Would it be too much to expect an egalitarian union from the Naija man. Have times changed or not? Would it ever be 50/50?

I was raised in such a household so yea it's possible.

Really it all depends on the maturity of the couple.

sapphic, your parents sound like mine. My dad's also a great cook and a neat freak

Any reasonable man who knows his wife works as much (if not harder) than he does would do everything in his power to lighten her load, and vice-versa.

Exactly. dont know why people act like it's a big deal.

Stop dating children and you wont have to deal with such instead of whining.

Sisi Jinx:

Good Points!

Personally, I've always had a problem with these said financial responsibilities that customarily fall on my men. I think anyone who accepts these and the demands equal egaliwhachumacallit is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

My idea of partnership is not that we both sit down and say I will sweep from the living room to the landing and then you take it from there until you get to the kitchen. No, my idea of partnership is when one person sees somethings needs to be done and does it.  I see your laundry piling up. . . I do it. You see dishes in the sink, you do it. You wake up first, get the children ready for school. I finish work early, I pick 'em up. You see my engine lights are on, you stop at the mechanics, I notice your car is dirty. . . I stop at the car wash. (keeping my examples are basic as possible)

I guess stripped down to the very core, my idea of partnership is really doing things for each other without putting much thought into it. . . having to weigh it "Oh is this a woman or a man's job?"

Is this too much to ask??!!  

The truth is that many couples in the west already has the woman bearing her fair share of the financial burden, but the men do not bear a proportionate share of the household chores. All my mates and family members who are married and live in the UK, US and Canada ALL contribute to the bills (i.e mortgage, utilities, child minder, food etc). My close mate was once earning almost double what her hubby was here in London and she paid majority of the bills AND did the housework, and the once in a golden moon that the hubby used to help her to wash a few dishes, he would keep announcing "Don't ever say I don't help you do YOUR work in this house". . . can you imagine that crap? Now he is earning more a little more than her, the bills are split equally and she still does practically all the chores (he helps out now and then, but not regularly and that is cos she just gave birth a few months ago).

KarmaMod:

sapphic, your parents sound like mine. My dad's also a great cook and a neat freak

You know how all these Naija people are. When some of those Yoruba idiots would come to the house, if my father was cooking that day, they said my mother had given my father something to eat or that she had used his head to do kparo.

KarmaMod:

sapphic, your parents sound like mine. My dad's also a great cook and a neat freak

My own dad was not a good cook but we loved his cooking anyway. . .lol.

Exactly. dont know why people act like it's a big deal.

Beats me!

Stop dating children and you wont have to deal with such instead of whining.

Precisely!!

Sapphic:

The truth is that many couples in the west already has the woman bearing her fair share of the financial burden, but the men do not bear a proportionate share of the household chores. All my mates and family members who are married and live in the UK, US and Canada ALL contribute to the bills (i.e mortgage, utilities, child minder, food etc). My close mate was once earning almost double what her hubby was here in London and she paid majority of the bills AND did the housework, and the once in a golden moon that the hubby used to help her to wash a few dishes, he would keep announcing "Don't ever say I don't help you do YOUR work in this house". . . can you imagine that crap? Now he is earning more a little more than her, the bills are split equally and she still does practically all the chores (he helps out now and then, but not regularly and that is cos she just gave birth a few months ago).

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Now that's hilarious and they say nada when we say they only like the "culture" when it is convenient for them.

I know it seems I made up The Perfect Naija Wife Series but truth be told, it's all from real life (slightly exaggerated but real nonetheless). I see them here, overworked, exhausted, looking 10 years older than their Husbands. . .  running helter skelter trying to keep the family together while their DA MAN husbands just skates through the whole thing. 

Sapphic:

You know how all these Naija people are. When some of those Yoruba idiots would come to the house, if my father was cooking that day, they said my mother had given my father something to eat or that she had used his head to do kparo.

Yea it's pathetic isnt it? My dad's a village dude and he's the last born in his family so I guess they are used to him being the one that cooked, cleaned blah blah so they arent that surprised when they see him, my mom still tries to avoid it cos she doesnt wanna hear crap. Til today he's only eats pounded yam he does by himself cos apparently the whole world does it wrong *rolls eyes* My mom's lucky sha. LOL.

he would keep announcing "Don't ever say I don't help you do YOUR work in this house". . . can you imagine that crap?

Grand example of the kind of children Im talking about

Sisi Jinx:

My own dad was not a good cook but we loved his cooking anyway. . .lol.

My dad was a bloody good cook. He had his numerous faults, but not being domestic was not one of them. My mother could never "Shakara" him and say she was going to "punish" him by not cooking. It was my father that taught my sisters and I that you did not stir fish stew (or soup), that you carried the pot and shook it gently so that the fish did not break up.

My mother could never "Shakara" him and say she was going to "punish" him by not cooking.

Rofl. Same here ooo. Whenever I hear from my friends 'oh my dad has been eating McDonalds cos he's mad at my mom", I start laughing.

Pathetic.

KarmaMod:

Rofl. Same here ooo. Whenever I hear from my friends 'oh my dad has been eating McDonalds cos he's mad at my mom", I start laughing.

Pathetic. 

Bwahahahaha! The ego on some men, sha. . . So he is punishing her by eating Mickey Ds?

How so??!

Is the fat and high cholesterol transfering to the mama? Is she the one who is two bites away from a heart attack.

Nonsense!!

Sisi Jinx:



Good Points!

Personally, I've always had a problem with these said financial responsibilities that customarily fall on my men. I think anyone who accepts these and the demands equal egaliwhachumacallit is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

My idea of partnership is not that we both sit down and say I will sweep from the living room to the landing and then you take it from there until you get to the kitchen. No, my idea of partnership is when one person sees somethings needs to be done and does it.  I see your laundry piling up. . . I do it. You see dishes in the sink, you do it. You wake up first, get the children ready for school. I finish work early, I pick 'em up. You see my engine lights are on, you stop at the mechanics, I notice your car is dirty. . . I stop at the car wash. (keeping my examples are basic as possible)

I guess stripped down to the very core, my idea of partnership is really doing things for each other without putting much thought into it. . . having to weigh it "Oh is this a woman or a man's job?"

Is this too much to ask??!! 

OH darlyn its not too much to ask, in fact it's no problem at all. While you are washing my car, would you mind if I pull out my breast to feed the baby? I promise to wash the nipple first. . .

KEEP ON DREAMING . . . MRS PERFECTION 

Mai Suya:

OH darlyn its not too much to ask, in fact it's no problem at all. While you are washing my car, would you mind if I pull out my breast to feed the baby? I promise to wash the nipple first. . .

KEEP ON DREAMING . . . MRS PERFECTION 

That's too much to ask??!!

And who is asking the guy to feed the baby?

I think you are deliberately missing the the point!!

Seriously, you guys are no serious, just being unnecessarily hard headed 

A lot of Nigerian men are DOA but hopefully, "westernization" would get the better of the rest of them. Amen.

Most people I know already have egalitarian marriages. I don't think it's that odd to find Nigerians in these marriages.

fs:

Most people I know already have egalitarian marriages. I don't think it's that odd to find Nigerians in these marriages.

Thanks.

What some of the frustrated women want is a situation where they can lord it over men and make men subject to them. You may wish to ask them what happened to their marriages that has made them so bitter and negative about relationships.

i can be in an egalitarian marriage for me it would be easy because i am the first born and both my parents are so busy with work that i cook , take out the trash , go to the market, i used to take my kid sister to school and so on. i have been doing all this since i was 12 and it started with cooking, my father was in one himself, until he handed over the roles to me.
i still do virtually all the home keeping stuff without help, it is so easy for me since i have gotten used to it via planning ahead and including all my activites with it.
i guess i cannot picture myself not being a part of the housemaking and chores scenario even with the hectic stress of daily life, even my friends say my future wife will be lazy if i continue with my so called wifey attitude

It is just daft for anyone to think that there is a way that couples should be.
The fact that Westerners have chosen to standardise their family systems (still doesn't work) does not mean Nigerians should do the same.

Why must we do something because Americans or Brits are doing it? Is there any proof that their standardised family ways work better than ours? On the contrary, evidence suggests that African/Asian family values work better than western values - why then do we keep getting all the crap trying to brainwash us into believing that our own way is the wrong way?

Would anyone be saying the same if it was the other way round?

If westerners had our kind of family value system and we had their own kind of loose ways of doing things and we have such open display of decadence, would their media not be talking about how their families stay together and our fall apart?

debosky:
Many people already have 'egalitarian' marriages. (I wonder the need for big grammar anyways )

What about the financial responsibilities that 'customarily' fall on men? Does your egalitarian union involve that as well?

Couples should have these discussions before getting into marriage and resolve them as much as possible before signing the dotted line.

Any reasonable man who knows his wife works as much (if not harder) than he does would do everything in his power to lighten her load, and vice-versa.

This is not about being 50-50. While partners may be 'equal' (i.e holding equal rights and benefits in the relationship) they are not equally endowed or skilled. One or the other will have a greater capacity for some tasks than the other.

As long as they come to an acceptable balance, whether 70-30 or 60-40 or 80-20, then that is the key.

There are women who will feel insulted if the man decides to start cooking and see it as an affront to their culinary skills. Will the man now in the name of '50-50' insist on subjecting her to his atrocious cooking? No.

Almost a decade later, however I love this post

SisiJinx:


Thank you ooooh!

Same here with the daddy thingy. I have 4 brothers and none of them have any qualms about going to the kitchen and cooking because they know it has nothing to do with their manhood. My fondest memory of my dad's cooking was his too sugary yams, I tell ya. . . after each fork, you gotta run to the bathroom because Jedijedi and We also had house helps oooh.

In my opinion, it is the insecure ones who feel like every little thing makes then less of a man, it is the insecure ones who feel the need to exert this yeye man law. It's would be so funny if it weren't extremely sad but you know what is sadder still? It seems like the present generation are a tad worse than our fathers. I mean what happened. . . was it something in the water? How did we get stuck with a generation of insecure pansies?




[b]Good Points!

Personally, I've always had a problem with these said financial responsibilities that customarily fall on my men. I think anyone who accepts these and the demands equal egaliwhachumacallit is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

My idea of partnership is not that we both sit down and say I will sweep from the living room to the landing and then you take it from there until you get to the kitchen. No, my idea of partnership is when one person sees somethings needs to be done and does it.  I see your laundry piling up. . . I do it. You see dishes in the sink, you do it. You wake up first, get the children ready for school. I finish work early, I pick 'em up. You see my engine lights are on, you stop at the mechanics, I notice your car is dirty. . . I stop at the car wash. (keeping my examples are basic as possible)

I guess stripped down to the very core, my idea of partnership is really doing things for each other without putting much thought into it. . . having to weigh it "Oh is this a woman or a man's job?"

Is this too much to ask [/b] ??!! 

@bold:

Perfect.