MARCH 21, 2015 : TUNDE AJAJA
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| credits: www.singleblackmale.org
What is it in married men that attracts single
women or ladies? Or does that common saying
that ‘the food on someone else’s plate always
looks tastier and better’ also apply to such
women’s choice of partner, whether for sex or
marriage? This phenomenon is called mate
poaching.
According to a clinical psychologist, Dr. Valerie
Golden, mate poaching has become a robust
phenomenon. When single women see a
moderately attractive male, they are more
interested in him if they believe he is already in a
relationship.
In fact, one study found that 90 per cent of
single women were interested in a man who they
believed was married, while a mere 59 per cent
wanted him when told he was single, while
another previous study found that about one in
five long-term relationships begins when one or
both partners are involved with someone else.
This implies that the era of seeing men as the
only gender that readily wants to lure a man out
of his relationship is long gone as women now
seem to be at the forefront.
One could also wonder if single women are
simply taking a cue from the preference of
married women, because a study once showed
that when deciding if someone is attractive,
people take cue from others. This probably
underscores the reason why married women are
wary of single ladies lurking around their
husbands.
Many people are used to the fact that married
men have extra-marital affairs due to reasons
ranging from lust, excitement, revenge, to family
issues etc, but for single women who have the
option of dating single men to prefer married
men may be a little surprising. Why would single
ladies/women venture into such?
Ordinarily, one would expect that a married man
is no longer available, but studies have shown
that women who are single are particularly
attracted to men that are either in committed
relationship or married as against bachelors.
Beyond the pecuniary gains that such single
women or ladies may look forward to, the studies
showed that such men are seen as having the
ability to be committed and have more
experience in knowing and meeting the needs of
a woman than most bachelors who mostly want
to enjoy the moment and move on to other
things.
In a study, researchers from the Oklahoma State
University in the United States showed 100
female university students pictures of both
married and single men and asked them how
attractive they found them and which of them
they would try to start a romance with.
Some of the students were single while others
were married and the pictures of the men were
labelled as either married or single.
On the other hand, a group of men were shown
several pictures of some women; single and
married.
When asked for comments after viewing the
photographs, it was gathered that single women
were significantly more interested in the married
men, while married women were far more
interested in single men. On the other hand,
single men were most drawn to the single
women.
The study, published in the Journal of
Experimental Social Psychology, and reviewed by
Daily Mail, pointed out that single women are
four times more likely to find a married man
attractive than someone who is unattached
because the fact the man already has a mate
adds to his ‘desirability’ factor.
In contrast, married women were far more
interested in single men – suggesting they either
respected the bonds of wedlock more, or
yearned for a free spirit.
“Single women in this study were significantly
more interested in the man when he was
attached and this may be because an attached
man has demonstrated his ability to commit and
in some ways, his qualities have already been
‘pre-screened’ by another woman,” the
researchers added.
The study added that men were rated more
desirable when they were pictured surrounded
by women than when alone or with other men,
the journal Philosophical Transactions of the
Royal Society B reports.
Talking about the science of attraction, a
psychologist, Anthony Little, said just as female
birds and fishes find the male specie more
attractive if they have already seen it in the
company of another female, such phenomenon
also extends to humans.
Findings showed that some women go after
married men having lost their partners to friends
and prefer to shy away from any feeling of
sisterhood, hence, go after whoever they find
attractive regardless of who is pained.
A sex and relationship advisor, Dr Pam Spurr,
said only the commitment to marriage would
reduce things like mate poaching. “I think this is
only going to get worse unless we have a sea
change in relationships. Increased adultery is
eroding strong relationships, and until people
take marriage more seriously and don’t look for
an easy way out, mate poaching may continue to
be an issue.”
Meanwhile, one of the reasons highlighted by the
study as to why single women are more
attracted to men who are taken was that the
single women believe that the men who have
been chosen (whether in marriage or
relationship) must have been chosen for good
reason, hence, such men tend to be good men.
Another reason highlighted was that married
men are no longer afraid of commitment, and
that a man willing to commit himself and alive to
responsibilities is much hotter than a man who is
not.
There is also a reasoning that there are a number
of sexually active young women who are not
socially or psychologically ready to get married
and would rather have an affair with a married
man, who would be less demanding, than a
single man who might be pressing towards
marriage.
They however pointed out that honesty, trust,
availability, spending holidays and family time
together may not make it to the priority list in
such a relationship, but that it gives the woman
some breathing room, in which case nobody is
on her neck and she is not accountable for every
action taken.
They stressed that it is usually done by single
women who do not want to be under any man’s
control or strict monitoring, women who have
decided never to trust a man or those who
simply want to make money out of the man.
“For these women, feeling superior has less to do
with the man in question and how desirable he
is, but more to do with being more powerful than
and superior to the other woman,” the study
said.
Reacting to the study, a psychologist, Prof. Toba
Elegbeleye, said if similar studies were to be
conducted in this part of the world, the results
are likely to reveal that such single women are
attracted to married men because of the
financial status and the likelihood of being well
taken care of rather than the men’s physique or
good looks.
“The reason a single woman would be attracted
to a married man may have little to do with his
physique or how handsome he is, but she may
be considering the fact that the man has a big
pocket and may be able to care for her need. So,
the pecuniary gain and the sheer social value of
being seen with somebody who is well
recognised in the society are factors such people
may consider.
“Also, married men already have the experience;
they tend to be people who have some level of
influence, authority and sizeable income in their
control, which may guarantee the woman
opportunities like jobs and business connections.
So, they are people who are likely to be made
already. Things like physique, good looks and the
man’s sexual prowess may be added factors but
not the priority.”
Elegbeleye added that some women may also do
such to derive some pleasure in competing with
another woman. He said since some young men
of today are not ready for commitment, the
single women may not want to lose out, hence,
seeing dating a married man as an option.

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