I am an african girl married to a Yoruba man in the Uk.
In my culture we have lots of respect for our parents and we are collectivist (relate closely to extended family) so I expected to relate easily to my inlaws and the rest of the family. I am a very easygoing person who hates to be in conflict with anyone.
I have a good relationship with my husband, he's a good and very hard-working man but when we are around his family its like our relationship changes.
when his parents came to visit us we started having arguments because he's always stressed and it looks like I become a child who people can talk to anyhow. he talks to me in ways that he's not used to and it looks like I don't have the right to contradict him.
even his mum talks to me in ways I don't understand if she hates me or its just their culture that allows disrespecting me. for example we were visiting some of his family members in London at very late hours and advised my husband not to eat amala at that time because of his indigestion problems, my mother-in-law asked me: is it your stomach? I felt verbally abused. how to react to this sort of situation?
also, I do not always agree with her in certain issues. is there any way, socially accepted and polite for me to contradict my mother in law without causing offense?
I'm getting frustrated and seeing myself accumulating negative feelings towards people . Please help with any tips and advises.

Your ID thou
Are you sure it is not yourubaajiyaje

Just be yourself don't try to change to impress, mother in laws can difficult at times

Looking back . . .
Thank my H-Agnostic Gawd!
I did not have to deal with this kind of MELODRAMA!

OP, sorry o.
No advice to give dia!
All the best!

This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:
Reasons:
1. The mother had taken time to prepare the amala and she wants some appreciation for her effort from both of you by way of eating the food and giving some complimentary remarks afterwards.
2. She is probably sad and angry that you think she no longer know what's good for a boy she nurtured for 3 decades and U now know how to take care of him better.
3. You shouldn't have attempted to correct your husband in her presence - to her it means "you are controlling him"
4. She's naturally territorial like lots of MIL and as the older women in his life, her opinion should stand first.

I have used the 'amala' scenario to form my opinion, she may be wrong at other things o; but to truly be at peace with her, you must first love her as a mother and take her criticism as if it's coming from your mum.

In Yorubaland, a new wife is a new child in the family and they believe she must be trained to know the values of the family and would not hold back from chastising her if they perceive she has done something wrong.

At such instances just say "e ma binu ma" - "pls ma, don't be offended". You may be right, don't claim to be, but let your eyes be on the prize - your husband.

It will soften their hearts towards U.

Dear OP, the best way to follow a mother-in-law is to understand her, try to be her friend and try not to talk too much when she's around. Mothers are always protective of their sons and may wish to know what you are telling her son in her absence.

But honestly, this challenge isn't perculiar to you because most of our Nigerian wives experience that in their new homes which makes some wish these old mothers-in-law were dead.

ephemm:
This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:

Did she say the MIL cooked the food?





I detest a bunch of things about the Yoruba culture and people (I'm Yoruba), so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut before this thread turns into a Yoruba bashing session.

@babyosisi, chilli, cococandy, bukatyne, edwife, freecocoa, mizmicolli, username792,..........over to you!

Shollypopzz:

Did she say the MIL cooked the food?





I detest a bunch of things about the Yoruba culture and people (I'm Yoruba), so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut before this thread turns into a Yoruba bashing session.

@babyosisi, chilli, cococandy, bukatyne, edwife, freecocoa, mizmicolli, username792,..........over to you!

Lol What do I even know about Yoruba culture ?

Absolutely nothing to worry about. It's not uncommon to find mothers finding it hard to adjust to the situation where their opinion becomes secondary with respect to their son's immediate family.

I'm yoruba and the only son, my wife who is also yoruba struggles to cope whenever my mum comes visiting. My mum is used to having 3-4 maids at any given time so as expected she is stuck in that world and offcourse that's a potential problem since my wife can't possibly split herself into 4 places in order to carry out all requests at the same time.

She initially felt my mum didn't like her until i made her understand it's what she has been used to all her life and somewhat difficult for us to expect her to adjust.
We solved the conundrum by making sure her visits are extremely short as well as my wife being flexible with her approach whilst being understanding.

You just have to be diplomatic in dealing with her since you don't necessarily have to like her nor have to live with her permanently.
Express your feelings to your husband without making it seem you are consistently complaining about his mum.

Shollypopzz:

Did she say the MIL cooked the food?





I detest a bunch of things about the Yoruba culture and people (I'm Yoruba), so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut before this thread turns into a Yoruba bashing session.

@babyosisi, chilli, cococandy, bukatyne, edwife, freecocoa, mizmicolli, username792,..........over to you!

Thanks, your opinion is well noted!

ephemm:
This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:
Reasons:
1. The mother had taken time to prepare the amala and she wants some appreciation for her effort from both of you by way of eating the food and giving some complimentary remarks afterwards.
2. She is probably sad and angry that you think she no longer know what's good for a boy she nurtured for 3 decades and U now know how to take care of him better.
3. You shouldn't have attempted to correct your husband in her presence - to her it means "you are controlling him"
4. She's naturally territorial like lots of MIL and as the older women in his life, her opinion should stand first.

I have used the 'amala' scenario to form my opinion, she may be wrong at other things o; but to truly be at peace with her, you must first love her as a mother and take her criticism as if it's coming from your mum.

In Yorubaland, a new wife is a new child in the family and they believe she must be trained to know the values of the family and would not hold back from chastising her if they perceive she has done something wrong.

At such instances just say "e ma binu ma" - "pls ma, don't be offended". You may be right, don't claim to be, but let your eyes be on the prize - your husband.

It will soften their hearts towards U.

Bulls.hit! Why won't the women mind their businesses, what silly placating, when he gets home now and develops some problem they''ll still accuse her.if mine wants to eat swallow, as soon as its past seven pm I object to it and he knows it's for his good.
Thank God my husband warned everybody to stay away from his wife, they are now 1 not including the mother

ephemm:
This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:

[img]http://.net/thumbnail/285.gif[/img]

Reasons:
1. The mother had taken time to prepare the amala and she wants some appreciation for her effort from both of you by way of eating the food and giving some complimentary remarks afterwards.

So because the mum cooked, he must eat just because she spent time in the kitchen even though he will get indigestion? For one, the op did not mention the mum cooking, even if she did, it wouldn't have been the first time she had been in the kitchen, the son is not a stranger so I don't understand the big deal there.

2. She is probably sad and angry that you think she no longer know what's good for a boy she nurtured for 3 decades and U now know how to take care of him better.

This is clearly you just making assumptions

3. You shouldn't have attempted to correct your husband in her presence - to her it means "you are controlling him"

I don't see anything wrong in what she did. By even mentioning the indigestion, the mum should have been like "oh, no, we don't want that." referring back to your second point, I guess the mother doesn't truly know her son.

4. She's naturally territorial like lots of MIL and as the older women in his life, her opinion should stand first.

Well, then I guess she needs to back off as her opinion did stand for years before the wife came in, now she should just focus on her own business and let her son and daughter in law live a marriage she probably had without having a mother inlaw putting mouth trying to control the marriage.

I have used the 'amala' scenario to form my opinion, she may be wrong at other things o; but to truly be at peace with her, you must first love her as a mother and take her criticism as if it's coming from your mum.

Eve though I responded to what you wrote , your opinions are based on assumptions. Ask for facts first before making up stories.

In Yorubaland, a new wife is a new child in the family and they believe she must be trained to know the values of the family and would not hold back from chastising her if they perceive she has done something wrong.

At such instances just say "e ma binu ma" - "pls ma, don't be offended". You may be right, don't claim to be, but let your eyes be on the prize - your husband.

It will soften their hearts towards U.

This is understandable but she said nothing wrong by telling her husband not to eat amala that late due to indigestion. The mother is not a stranger.

What you are saying is for the wife to be walking on egg shells around the mother in law. I thought once you are married, you become like family, so why should she be "scared" to speak out?

Infact, the wife should have told the mum instead of the husband.

" I do not want my husband eating amala this late, it gives him indigestion" (full stop)

yup, agree with all of these.

kandiikane:


[img]http://.net/thumbnail/285.gif[/img]



So because the mum cooked, he must eat just because she spent time in the kitchen even though he will get indigestion? For one, the op did not mention the mum cooking, even if she did, it wouldn't have been the first time she had been in the kitchen, the son is not a stranger so I don't understand the big deal there.


This is clearly you just making assumptions

I don't see anything in wrong in what she did. By even mentioning the indigestion, the mum should have been like "oh, no, we don't want that." referring back to your second point, I guess the mother doesn't truly know her son.


Well, then I guess she needs to back off as her opinion did stand for years before the wife came in, now she should just focus on her own business and let her son and daughter in law live a marriage she probably did without having a mother inlaw putting mouth trying to control the marriage.

Eve though I answered, your opinions are based on assumptions. Ask for facts first before making up stories.

This is understandable but she said nothing wrong by telling her husband not to eat amala that late due to indigestion. The mother is not a stranger.

What you are saying is for the wife to be walking on egg shells around the mother in law. I thought once you are married, you become like family, so why should she be "scared" to speak out?

Infact, the wife should have told the mum instead. " I do not want my husband eating amala this late, it gives him indigestion" (full stop)

jaybee3:

You just have to be diplomatic in dealing with her since you don't necessarily have to like her nor have to live with her permanently.
Express your feelings to your husband without making it seem you are consistently complaining about his mum.

That's just about it.

Shollypopzz you eh.


OP, sorry you feel this way, I totally get where you are coming from.

Now please understand that we are all different people with different backgrounds and this can make it sometimes difficult to relate to people we haven't really established a relationship with. I don't know much about the yoruba culture so I can't say his mother's attitude towards you is a cultural thing, I do know however, that everyone deserves respect, having said that, I'll also like to point out that, many people(especially Nigerians) feel that being older than someone, gives them the right to talk to that person the way the like, hiding under the cloak of "I'm your elder and you must respect me" expecting the person to have no qualms, this attitude, I have noticed, is, highly synonymous with older women, and can be very annoying.

I think your mother MIL might be one of such people and still sees your husband as the little kid she once nursed, yea, he is her child and she nursed him but he's a man now, yet she somehow hasn't understood this. Now this is where your hubby comes in, it is his place to make his mother see that he is not a child anymore, but first, he has to see it from your angle and understand it, because, he can't make amends if he doesn't even know that something isn't right, therefore,I suggest you talk to him about this but you have to be very careful how you broach it, so he doesn't misunderstand you and conclude you are trying to create a problem between him and his extended family. If your hubby treats you differently when his folks are around, that should explain how his people react to you because they'll most likely treat you, the way he does, you need to do something fast about it, you have to make him understand how his attitude affects you, help him see reasons with you. Your husband is not entirely unreasonable as we can see from your story, so he should be able to listen to you and hopefully put an end to this.

As for the amala incident, you weren't wrong as you were only trying to look out for your hubby, his mum may have misinterpreted it as you trying to boss him, I don't really know how you worded the advise but you could have just said smiled and said "it's because of his indigestion issues, ma I love my husband too much to see him in discomfort" in a jocular manner, I understand that there's an underlying problem but then, everything shouldn't have to cause trouble or upset you, you can actually overlook some things, diplomacy is very essential in dealing with others.

Shollypopzz:

Did she say the MIL cooked the food?
I detest a bunch of things about the Yoruba culture and people (I'm Yoruba), so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut before this thread turns into a Yoruba bashing session.
@babyosisi, chilli, cococandy, bukatyne, edwife, freecocoa, mizmicolli, username792,..........over to you!

The man is not a kid for him not to know of any indigestion.

People should learn to respect others.

If the man wants to eat his mother's Amala , then let him!

Or, she learns to say things without hurting any party.
All these petty petty problems of MIL , DIL.

Dear OP,
Yoruba people love "eye service" and respect (whether its from the heart or not) Sometimes u gotta put aside ur ego in order to enjoy peace.
My only advise for you is to draw close to her.. even if u have to fake ur love for her at first. Thats what a wise woman should do. Reduce the number of your enemies by turning them into ur friends. Be smart.

TBH I dont know much about Yoruba culture but something I know for sure is that this has more to do with your husband's family dynamics than Yoruba traditions. Many young wives experience just that. Many women cant just let go of their son when they get married.

What I found alarming in what you wrote is not specifically what your MIL did or said but her son's attitude toward you when she is around.
You can't do anything if he doesnt back you up. Have you talked to him about this?

If he cant stand up to his mother, you wont be able to do either. HE IS THE BEST SUITED TO ADVISE YOU ABOUT HOW TO BEHAVE AROUND HIS MOTHER.

Some people said that you should be docile around her. I hear that, it might give you peace now but what will it be like when you have children of you own. Will she boss you around in your own home? Over you own kids?

Just talk to your husband and remember that you are his wife first and her DIL second.

I would like to know how your husband would react if you mother was to treat him like yours did.

Another MIL- DIL thread.

ibkgab001:
Your ID thou
Are you sure it is not yourubaajiyaje

blame it on google translator loool

ephemm:
This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:
Reasons:
1. The mother had taken time to prepare the amala and she wants some appreciation for her effort from both of you by way of eating the food and giving some complimentary remarks afterwards.
2. She is probably sad and angry that you think she no longer know what's good for a boy she nurtured for 3 decades and U now know how to take care of him better.
3. You shouldn't have attempted to correct your husband in her presence - to her it means "you are controlling him"
4. She's naturally territorial like lots of MIL and as the older women in his life, her opinion should stand first.

I have used the 'amala' scenario to form my opinion, she may be wrong at other things o; but to truly be at peace with her, you must first love her as a mother and take her criticism as if it's coming from your mum.

In Yorubaland, a new wife is a new child in the family and they believe she must be trained to know the values of the family and would not hold back from chastising her if they perceive she has done something wrong.

At such instances just say "e ma binu ma" - "pls ma, don't be offended". You may be right, don't claim to be, but let your eyes be on the prize - your husband.

It will soften their hearts towards U.

thank you for your advise. she wasn't the one who cooked it. however it never occurred to me that giving him advises in front of others may not be rude, although I did speak with authority it may sound like it to who doesn't know me.
I can certainly take her advise like from my mum but my mum would never talk to anyone like that unless she's really mad!

aflyingbird:
yup, agree with all of these.

lol, well thank you. I wrote the post in haste but I have edited it.

yurubaajejiiyaw:

thank you for your advises. she wasn't the one who cooked it. however it never occurred to me that giving him advises in front of others may not be rude, although I did speak with authority it may sound like it to who doesn't know me.
I can certainly take her advises like from my mum but my mum would never talk to anyone like that unless she's really mad!

you can advice your husband in public as long as it's not rude or embarrassing.

If you feel your mil is rude to you, you can always speak to her one on one in a calm manner, explain your issues to her and how it is affecting you. She is a woman first before a mother.

username792:


If he cant stand up to his mother, you wont be able to do either. HE IS THE BEST SUITED TO ADVISE YOU ABOUT HOW TO BEHAVE AROUND HIS MOTHER.

one of the things that shocked me the most was to notice how he can't stand to his mother! I imagine that in nigerian culture measn that one was well raised

freecocoa:
I don't really know how you worded the advise but you could have just said smiled and said "it's because of his indigestion issues, ma I love my husband too much to see him in discomfort" in a jocular manner, I understand that there's an underlying problem but then, everything shouldn't have to cause trouble or upset you, you can actually overlook some things, diplomacy is very essential in dealing with others.

thank you for the advise. In my opinion I wasn't being bossy but she could have misinterpreted it. after that answer I just kept quite for the rest of the night.

ephemm:
This is my opinion:
You were wrong to ask him not to eat amala late at night in the presence of the mother, mine too won't take it:
Reasons:
1. The mother had taken time to prepare the amala and she wants some appreciation for her effort from both of you by way of eating the food and giving some complimentary remarks afterwards.
2. She is probably sad and angry that you think she no longer know what's good for a boy she nurtured for 3 decades and U now know how to take care of him better.
3. You shouldn't have attempted to correct your husband in her presence - to her it means "you are controlling him"
4. She's naturally territorial like lots of MIL and as the older women in his life, her opinion should stand first.

I have used the 'amala' scenario to form my opinion, she may be wrong at other things o; but to truly be at peace with her, you must first love her as a mother and take her criticism as if it's coming from your mum.

In Yorubaland, a new wife is a new child in the family and they believe she must be trained to know the values of the family and would not hold back from chastising her if they perceive she has done something wrong.

At such instances just say "e ma binu ma" - "pls ma, don't be offended". You may be right, don't claim to be, but let your eyes be on the prize - your husband.

It will soften their hearts towards U.

You see how people encourage and reinforce bad behavior in the name of culture

jaybee3:
Absolutely nothing to worry about. It's not uncommon to find mothers finding it hard to adjust to the situation where their opinion becomes secondary with respect to their son's immediate family.

I'm yoruba and the only son, my wife who is also yoruba struggles to cope whenever my mum comes visiting. My mum is used to having 3-4 maids at any given time so as expected she is stuck in that world and offcourse that's a potential problem since my wife can't possibly split herself into 4 places in order to carry out all requests at the same time.

She initially felt my mum didn't like her until i made her understand it's what she has been used to all her life and somewhat difficult for us to expect her to adjust.
We solved the conundrum by making sure her visits are extremely short as well as my wife being flexible with her approach whilst being understanding.

You just have to be diplomatic in dealing with her since you don't necessarily have to like her nor have to live with her permanently.
Express your feelings to your husband without making it seem you are consistently complaining about his mum.

Thanks for your input
This is perhaps the most refreshing piece I have read from a man in all the MIL threads on this forum
I wish it were the Yoruba husband in this case that was seeking help as to how how his wife will deal with his mother and his people.
Your post reinforces something I said earlier in my own MIL issue of years ago,the son holds the key to MIL and DIL relationship to a large extent.He knows his mom better than the wife does so in conflicts ,prevention of conflicts and it's resolution ,he plays a large role.
That is what you have done in your family and I commend you for that.

No matter what we tell this girl,if the husband is of the opinion that his mom's opinion trumps all others, and that she has no choice but to comply to her rules and regulations,that wife will have herself hitting her head continually against the brick wall.

So @ new wife,your conversation primarily is with your husband not your MIL and it is his responsibility to make you feel welcome in your marital home.He is basically the reason you came into that family and he needs to stand up to the responsibility of making you feel accepted in it.

yurubaajejiiyaw:

thank you for your advise. she wasn't the one who cooked it. however it never occurred to me that giving him advises in front of others may not be rude, although I did speak with authority it may sound like it to who doesn't know me.
I can certainly take her advise like from my mum but my mum would never talk to anyone like that unless she's really mad!

Ok! Just treat her the way you would want your daughter inlaw to treat you.
"Èsan á ké"

Abiagirl777:


Bulls.hit! Why won't the women mind their businesses, what silly placating, when he gets home now and develops some problem they''ll still accuse her.if mine wants to eat swallow, as soon as its past seven pm I object to it and he knows it's for his good.
Thank God my husband warned everybody to stay away from his wife, they are now 1 not including the mother

Nice one!
I like your husband.
Don't worry, your son too will get married someday... he and his wife will treat you the same way - amen!

yurubaajejiiyaw:

one of the things that shocked me the most was to notice how he can't stand to his mother! I imagine that in nigerian culture measn that one was well raised

So sad but true. Many of us are raised to mistake FEAR for RESPECT :/
If he can't stand up to his mother, that is more tricky than I thought.
I really dont know what to tell you :/ but if I were in your shoes, I would avoid her as much as I can.

But first thing first, I would confront him on his dismissive attitude when his mother is around. You said that he shout at you as ifif you were a kid. That is a no no for me.
For real though, how would he react if your parents were to treat him the same way?
If he dont see anything wrong in the way he treats you around her, obviously, he wont bulge when she treats you bad.

ephemm:


Ok! Just treat her the way you would want your daughter inlaw to treat you.
"Èsan á ké"

When the mother in law throws at her 'Is it your stomach' would she like to be treated this way?

Does she have any regards for her DIL? Why doesnt she treat her DIL in a way she would have wanted her MIL to treat her?

Mama's boys are such a turn off

lolaredvelvet:
Dear OP,
Yoruba people love "eye service" and respect (whether its from the heart or not) Sometimes u gotta put aside ur ego in order to enjoy peace.
My only advise for you is to draw close to her.. even if u have to fake ur love for her at first. Thats what a wise woman should do. Reduce the number of your enemies by turning them into ur friends. Be smart.

Ur post would have made more sense if U framed ur reply/post like the person who replied after U... U just a tribalistic fellow

simiolu1:

Ur post would have made more sense if U framed ur reply/post like the person who replied after U... U just a tribalistic fellow

How can I be tribalistic to my own tribe?