By now you know I am a Nigerian- Born, ‘bread’ and ‘ewa-
agoined’ in Lagos, Nigeria.
And oh, I have been in love, with people, places and the good
things of life. Now to the topic of discourse..
I once told my friend that when a Nigerian talks about love, he
never really understands love in the context of relationship and
marriage.
Even our ancestors did not buy into the sham called love in the
contexts mentioned above…
****
200 years ago, in one remote village in Nigeria…
Bala went on a journey to a land far away, and returned home
with 18year old maiden named yejide. No questions asked, no
fanfare, no useless and unnecessary profession of love and
whatnot, no shawarma, no trips to the mall, no lies…
Bala and his maiden bride, lived happily ever after.
Bala became a successful cocoa farmer, with 12-15 children
sired from his loins…
Let us not forget that Bala probably married other wives and
never slacked in his duties as a husband, father and head of
the home…
Bala probably never mouthed the word love, yet he lived with
his wives in peace and contentment.
****
Two years ago, Lekki, Nigeria…..
Freda met Jude inside one of the many shops at Spar…
‘Cheiii, see this clean guy, designers from specs to shoes, nice
hair-cut, sweet skin-tone…God pls let him look at him…oh
God! I love him already’
Freda mused within while pretending not to see Jude. She
then stylishly turns her backside to him, ensuring that her well
proportioned ‘Ukwu’ is in Jude’s line of vision.
Then the Ukwu catches Jude’s eyes…(Pls note, the Ukwu, not
Freda’s character, caught Jude’s eyes)
‘Oh my god! Baba, see yansh, if I no knack this babe, make I
die…na my food be this one’
Meanwhile, Jude has a fiancée, a girlfriend at his work-place, a
side-chick and Chinwe, the FWB.
So, Freda meets Jude and in the course of talking and gisting,
they mention LOVE a thousand times, over and over again.
They exchange pings and buzzes, send a million emojis, Jude
dazzles Freda with his cash and swag while Freda swings from
cowgal to ‘kukere’ on the king-sized bed.
Pls, don’t ask me what Jude and Freda are up to right now…
We all know Jude will not get married until he is nearing 60,
when there are a million Fredas asking for his ‘Love’ and then
maybe there’s no job ( Ok, pls blame Jonathan) or perhaps
Freda’s wife-material can barely sew a blouse ( forget the love
they claim to share) or maybe, just maybe, one pastor
somewhere saw a vision that Jude’s wife is fair-skinned…If
Freda is dark-skinned, then love will frizzle into thin air…
And Freda just realized she is nearing 40 and her biological
clock is about to crash ( No, she can not change the battery)…
So she no longer loves Jude…
Oh! She even blocked him in whatsapp…end of story.
****
2 weeks ago, somewhere in Nigeria…..
Two people meet on an online forum and ‘fell’ in ‘love’.
They exchanged PMs, flirt and cat-fished each other to
Jerusalem and back. Then finally, they meet…
Boy: Oh! You are so lovely. I love you so much. I will marry
you. I feel like I have met you since forever.
Girl: I love you too. Yes, I will marry you.
Boy: I love you
Girl: I loved you first.
Boy: I love you.
Girl: I love you and I want you.
Boy: I love you.
Girl: I love you ( insert ‘kiss’ smiley ten times).
They have sex (though they say it’s making love).
They profess love over and over again like mentally-
challenged oafs.
****
Three years later, they are still dating…Ten years later, their
engagement and wedding ring, lay in chibuzor’s shop in
Balogun market, waiting to be bought.
And they keep on dating and dating and dating till eternity….
****
Okay, for some gals- love equals how many shawarma you can
buy, and how much you have to spend. For some, they will
love you by washing your entire house, cooking Onugbu,
Ogbolo, Masa, Jollof rice, and cat-fish pepper soup just to
increase their wife-material…
Some men will love you only when your yansh is in the air,
and you will hear them yelling their love as they cum all over
your destiny.
Some will love with all their heart, introduce you to their folks,
help you loosen your dirty braids, and even buy you a BB
Z200…But please, love will not stop them from slapping your
mouth till you bleed, if you irk them a bit or sleep with the
other gal down the street.
*****
Nigerians are good people, they look out for each other,
welcome strangers, they help the old to cross busy roads,
return 12 million naira found in Airport toilets. Nigerians are
hard working, peaceful and very open. But please, can we all
go back and ask our aged folks, elders and kinsmen what they
said back then in place of ‘love’.
Because as it is…
Our brand of LOVE in Nigeria can barely cross from Osun to
Nnewi.
Our brand of LOVE sees and appreciate facial beauty to
character.
Our brand of LOVE do not respect poor husbands but can take
kicks and blows from rich husbands. Forget the lies about
staying for the children, if Baba Biliki was a Vulcanizer, you
will not think twice before kicking his ass out.
Our brand of LOVE do not understand marriage vows, some
would say the vow today and drive to Pekas tomorrow to pick
up the ‘fair sisters’.
I am NOT sorry to say this, love in the context of relationships
and marriage is not a Nigerian thing. My opinion…
Sometimes, a man will genuinely love a gal but then the guy’s
mother who is from Anambra will not let him bring a Delta girl
home… Not even a gal from Imo. They can love from Gaza to
Namibia, love in Nigeria do NOT cross boundaries!
But surprisingly, a Nigerian Man can bring home his ancestors
age-mate from the United States, and his mother will forget
that Texas is farther than the city in Ogun state where she had
earlier rejected the bride that dared to love her son.
They say love in Tokyo, not love in Nigeria after all.
****
Then if the guy is unlucky enough to be Hausa, and the gal’s
father is a very ‘holy’ Man of God…Then, they should fling their
love in the nearest lagoon.
In my country, if you truly want to love when your traditions
and folks are not smiling, you simply elope. Gather your mat
and bride, and flee to Egypt…If you send foreign money some
years later, they will forgive you and hop the nearest bus to
find Western Union Money Transfer.
****
Still on the matter……Maybe,
40 years later, somewhere in the Mega city of Lagos, Nigeria.
( Yes, Nigeria..or you think there’s Biafra and Arewa
Republic? )
Amy meets Kamalu in an electric train plying Ikorodu to
Berger….
Kamalu: How are you ma’am?
Amy: Fine, thank you.
Kamalu: Where are you from?
Amy: Nigeria.
Kamalu: Cool, me too. I work at Chevron.
Amy: I am a tailor.
Kamalu: It’s a pleasure meeting you.
They exchange numbers and plan to meet again.
**
After about five dates….
Kamalu: You are really nice and homely, will you give me 3
babies?
Amy: *blushes* Why not?
Kamalu: Ok. Let’s meet at Orions clinic. I will have them freeze
my sperm. When you get there, just mention my name and they
will collect your eggs.
Amy: Okay.
Deal sealed. No mention of love or marriage or all these
yamayama lie lie things.
Lol (Pls, I wasn’t laughing at all when I typed lol, the same
way I don’t feel anything when I type – ‘I love you’ )
Everyone is saying it, no be only me waka come.
****
Seriously, I really wish people can come out clean and define
what they want from the get-go. You want to knack a gals
bum, tell her (promise marriage and thunder will fire you).
You see a nice homey girl, groom her and table your desires
before her, work on yourselves and take a vow to cherish and
truly love..(Pls, you can not love Chinwe and Bola and Augusta
and Sumaiya all at once, fear God na).
You want to attend pekas-fellowship and Ashewo-community
your entire life, brother, pls do. Your kini is your own to use as
you deem fit. But don’t turn that gal who truly wants you into
a tramp. And don’t get married, if your kini has been ordained
from heaven to render community-service. (There’s no crime
in staying single, don’t mind the noise in the market)
You see a guy that you fancy, he fancies you too and starts to
woo you. Decide what you want, do you want just a man or
you desire to be gang-messed by the entire male community?.
All in the name of ‘big-gal’, your name is on the register of
every club.
You want to pull a Toke-Makinwa on every party organizer…
Pls, sister…decide what you want. It’s your life after all.
But pls, don’t get married if you still desire your ex’s anaconda
or you are not inclined to love and truly love.
*****
Yes..true love exists in Nigeria, as long as people still build
and visit orphanages, give to the poor, help the helpless and
homeless, look out for neighbours and basically, show love
and respect others.
But shouldn’t we all be thinking more of mutual-respect, trust,
loyalty, self-respect/preservation, moral values and mutual-
interests…instead of professing LOVE that we don’t even
understand.
Shouldn’t we be asking our ‘fathers’ what they told our
‘mothers’ before the ‘oyinbos’ crossed the rivers to land on
our shores.
Choiiii!
‘Megida, I love you so much’
Meanwhile, what she loves is his looks, his cars, his cash and
his spending-abilities’
‘Rebecca, I will never leave you for any other’
Meanwhile, his spirit already left his body to visit Mary.. and
the desk in his office is scarred with the indents of several
female butt shapes.
How do we all mouth ‘I love you’ in Nigeria and still manage to
keep a straight face.
Even the not-so-good-looking Sister Mary in DLCM is nearing
50 and no man has seen her in his dreams or even approached
her. Pls, we know the Holy-spirit does not discriminate, so tell
me, why is Sister Mary not married! Why?
Love kooo, love niiiii…
Say you like me and I’ll smile and say thank you but you meet
me today and you say you LOVE me and you are a NIGERIAN….
*Blood of Jesus*
******
This is my opinion….Comments and contributions are
welcome.
Please like and share.
Thank you.