WARNING: WETIN U WAN READ CARRY TOO MANY BLUNDERS, FORGET AM AND READ ON, This is my first story on Nl ... ***Criticism is allowed ***

The Lost Shoe


"Tunde my niqqa, wataguan?" I hailed my best friend as i entered into his one room apartment that could pass for a chicken settlement.

Tunde was the most handsome dude in my department, that's if you want to start calling from the ugliest dudes in the department, he was five feet tall, wore one timberland boots that he had used to do every job in this world. Had three long tribal marks on both sides of his face. No wonder the only girl that could date him was Bose due to the contortion of failed patterns on her face. The person that designed her face when she was given birth to was either high on paw paw leaves or suffered an epilepsy attack during the marking ceremony.

Coming to Tunde's shoe, he took those same shoes to carpentry and furniture works, mason, frying Akara for Mama Tsuai (this job was solely for his morning meal) and to church and school. He was banned from sporting activities in school when my school had a football match with another varsity. Tunde was drafted in admist hails and moans from various degrees of the field. Tunde first shot with his boots tore the ball into two. A new ball was introduced into the game which also went on leave after touching Tunde's boots cum shoes. He ended up sending six of the opposition players to early career retirement and turned the goalie to Imbebe- Imbebe is not the name of a Ghanaian actor but the code name for people suffering from imbecility.

"Tunde no be you i dey yarn?" I enquired when he still made no move, his two legs were spread apart which made his worn out boxers look like Fela's pants.

"Guy, i don't wanna talk to anybody this morning, please just leave me alone" he replied slowly.

"What!!! Imposicant, Tunde you sef dey speak English?"

"No , I'm speaking Finnish" he added.


I rushed forward and touched his neck and forehead which was very hot. I jumped backwards and laughed loud.
"No wonder, your high fever don start again"

Tunde had two more weak points, one was his inability to speak english and his monthly sickness in form of malaria fever. A question was once asked in class by a stirct lecturer, the question was very easy so we all raised up our hands but the lecturer pointed at Tunde who was sleeping comfortably. Tunde stood up with red sleepy eyes and two additional salivary stretch marks on his cheeks.

"Yes sir why you come wake me?" He asked cheerfully.

" you can help me by answering my question, what is the plural of Man?"

"Haba sir, na because of this simple question you wake me, when i don dey chill with Buhari daughter for hotel. Shey the plural of man na Mens ba?"

From that day on we nicknamed him 'king of mens'. Another strange moment was when he came to school with a Ghana must go bag on his head, he was putting on only boxers and slippers and his eyes were close shut.

" Buy your okrika clothes" he kept on screaming at the top of his voice before he was quietened by larger guys who thought his mendulla oblongata had kicked the bucket


" guy wetin dey disturb you na? Abi Bose finally give you red card?" I teased him.

"Guy abeg look round this room and tell me if e complete" he screamed back, his eyes red and puffy.

"Before e complete? No be six buckets you dey use to collect water from roof wey dey leak? Just look ya room sef"

"Guy look well na, you see my shoe for this room" Tunde said and bursted into serious cries.

I quickly looked around, he usually kept his shoe on his throne of grace as we call it, the throne of grace was just a glucose biscuit cartorn that he covered with newspapers. But the shoe was nowhere to be found neither was it outside.

"Guy wetin? How come? Where e go? Who you borrow? E loss?" I asked five questions in two seconds.

"Ahhh armed robbers!! Armed robbers, e no go better for una" Tunde lamented and changed his cry for gear one to gear three.

Tunde had different categories of his cries, gear one meant he was sniffing tears, two meant he was crying loud, gear three involved loud cry and running mucus from his nostrils while gear four was adding fart to the collabo, don't ask me about gear five except you want to listen to somebody crying and using the sound of his poo to sing the Iranian national anthem.

"I just dey lie down for bed nai three guys enter with matchete, as them see me dem use slap wake me from my dream with Miley cyrus. As i jump off from my bed naso them tear me another slap and asked me for money and my phone. I quickly give them my Multilinks phone, them vex eh sotey them slap GST 213 assignment comot from my brain. As them no see anything carry naso them chop my porty rice then the oga come carry my life, my world, my precious Timberland boots waka. Ahhh i wan die, abeg just carry that knife for window come chuck me for yansh make i go meet my shoe for heaven"

"Bros calm down, its not the end of the world" i consoled him.

"World don end jare, without my shoe na wetin i wan wear go school, church, work, my wedding day, even to go your burial sef, chai this world us wicked"

"E be like you don dey mad, na you go.... Mhhhhhh mmmhhhh"
Tunde quickly darted up and covered my mouth. I struggled to no avail then i heard the voice also from outside

"Who get this shoe? Who get this timber land boots" no other person but mama Chidi was screaming outside. Tunde finally left me and ran to the door not minding his state of nudity. I curiously followed behind, lo and behold it was Tunde's boots she held in one hand and four chickens in the other.

"Ma na me oooo, thank you ma, where you see my precious shoe? i hope this fat chickens na for celebrations?" He asked many questions at once.


"Phoooowa... Phoooowa" two hot slaps which echoed five times landed on Tunde's face, i could even count the number of lines that quickly developed on his face. Mama Chidi also dropped the chickens she held and grabbed his boxer tight. His manhood slipped out shamefully like somebody suffering from low self esteem.


Mamamama nana wetin tin i.i..i....i do na?" Tunde suddenly turned starmerer.

"So you no know say i dey run poultry, you just carry your shoes trowey inside my chicken house, naso these four chickens come inhale the smell of the shoe, next moment them ejaculate, come get high b.p, then they vomited and died, all because of your shoe smell , if you no pay for my chicken i go call my son Chidi, shey you know him be soldier. Him go beat you cone trowey your body for lagoon" she threatened.


"Ma abeg no be my fault, them thief the shoe last night And i been do night vigil and God just answered my prayer. No vex ma, i go work for you till i pay the money finish" he pleaded.

"Ok i go pity you that way, go wear cloth make we dey go. And no do mistake wear the shoe enter my poultry except you wan work for me forever"

"Thank you ma, Lekinz, we get special number and testimony to do for church on sunday"

Where him see me sef, i don run go my room because that him shoe fit create Ebola.


PRESENTLY:

TUNDE-he works permanently with Mama Chidi after she employed him due to his good and hardworking nature.

The three thieves- one smelt the shoe and went numb in the nose, the second turned to imbeci'le when he mistakenly dropped food on the shoe and ate it. Their leader wore the shoe and caught leprousy, right now he has a new suite in yabaleft where he is receiving treatment.

THE END!!!

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Kudos to the writer wey full Nairaland, una dey try, time wey e take to write burekete story, how Una dey join words together wey go be like movie, I no sey e no easy buh me I no know sey E hard reach this level, as my people dey talk " IF YOU WAN CATCH A THIEF, YOU SELF GO NEED DO LIKE ONE ", I no just fit enter this section dey carry campaign enter sey make Una vote for me, Na why I first write story then put my own advert for ground, as Una know sey MR NAIRALAND CONTEST dey shele now, Na Una help me I need Ooooooh, me na una boy even before tsunami carry all our property comot for Nairaland, I don dey read Una work no be today, the job no be beans, Na Una vote I dey ask for Ooooo

very funny

Continuation

***To the audience, clap your hands together as I welcome on stage, great writers from Nl, this section won't be as cool as this without their write up, without them on Nl, literature section will be zilch to write home about***
Larrysun
TheRock555
TiffanyJ
Tunery004
Flow1759
Sammy04real
Rapmike
D9ty7
TemitopeDaniel
Chistar01
Ishilove
Hazardous
Safarigirl, Opera nko
Niftyrules
Royver
Lyricalpontiff
Candy
Zuby77
Naijasinglegirl
Foxyflow ( Baba, U don finish that story ?? )
Repogirl
Cheryluv....
Na the ones wey my brain fit process be this, thanks ...***
Will edit later ...
Cc my e-family
marieolae(f), sochima1989(m), mistytohcute(f), mhizdarmie(f), scentmarlc(m), Ormorlehwah(f), MrsAnyanwu(f), Betanwa(m), elantraceey(f), Deeeebie(f), HesDee(f), LarrySun(m), ogunvic41(m), icebebe(f), giftforlife9(m), suregalluv(f), KelvinGraphics(m), daveP(m), kidaberry(f), kingphilip(m), skyscraperTM(m), ritababe(f), Therock5555(m), trendiitee(f), Sexysapphire, Onisler, Nneka123
Thanks once again
Lekinz

Wow, this really cracked me up. Well don lekinz.
Oya, cherrybrown, pinkycute, ademoladeji, hfinest1, eniqurl, hurklan, BeeBeeOoh,nellyme, make una come here ooo laugh small

Am here

tunery004:
Wow, this really cracked me up. Well don lekinz.
Oya, cherrybrown, pinkycute, ademoladeji, hfinest1, eniqurl, hurklan, BeeBeeOoh,nellyme, make una come here ooo laugh small

pinkycute:
Am here

Now now, he be like say na NL u dey live
Ow is ur day going

pinkycute:
Am here

ayam here..

mistytohcute:
very funny

Babe, ***Winks***, Mr Nl contest is on,am counting on you for support...

Join our campaign team and we won't let you down...
#TeamLekinz

tunery004:
Wow, this really cracked me up. Well don lekinz.
Oya, cherrybrown, pinkycute, ademoladeji, hfinest1, eniqurl, hurklan, BeeBeeOoh,nellyme, make una come here ooo laugh small

Thanks bro....

Wowwwwwww.. This got me cracking so hard

Lekinz, I'll vote for you.... If you update more

I just login now...
Lolzzzz my day is good nd urs?

tunery004:


Now now, he be like say na NL u dey live
Ow is ur day going

Present
yurme

ritababe:
Present yurme

tnkz bae

pinkycute:
I just login now...
Lolzzzz my day is good nd urs?

Mine was dry and boring........... Where in Nigeria are u by d way sef?

tunery004:
Wow, this really cracked me up. Well don lekinz.
Oya, cherrybrown, pinkycute, ademoladeji, hfinest1, eniqurl, hurklan, BeeBeeOoh,nellyme, make una come here ooo laugh small

The story be like 'New Masquerade'


God! This rib-cracking oooooo


Short buh eventful...


Jahbless the writer lekinz...

Thanks for making me forget a bit of my worries...@ Op!

pinkycute:
Wowwwwwww.. This got me cracking so hard

Lekinz, I'll vote for you.... If you update more

Update Bawo ??, am not a writer jawe, I only wrote this cos of Mr. Nl... Thanks so much for passing by, I don't think I will write again after this, I don't ave the talent jawe....
The campaign is about to kick off, will be glad if you can support our campaign team !!!, we won't let you down ...#TeamLekinz

ademoladeji:


The story be like 'New Masquerade'


God! This rib-cracking oooooo


Short buh eventful...


Jahbless the writer lekinz...

Wow ... Am honoured, thanks bro... Jah bless ... If this goes well, I might take writing as a profession.. Remember, the campaign is about to kick off ... #TeamLekinz

BeeBeeOoh:
Thanks for making me forget a bit of my worries...@ Op!

Wow .... Uwc madam ... I might consider writing cos of you, if I can help people lift a bit off their burden with my stories, then ave got a lot to do cos ace always wanted helping ....
Btw ... Mr Nl Contest is on ... Kindly join the campaign team for more updates ***Winks *** Jah bless

lekinz:


Update Bawo ??, am not a writer jawe, I only wrote this cos of Mr. Nl... Thanks so much for passing by, I don't think I will write again after this, I don't ave the talent jawe....
The campaign is about to kick off, will be glad if you can support our campaign team !!!, we won't let you down ...#TeamLekinz



Wow ... Am honoured, thanks bro... Jah bless ... If this goes well, I might take writing as a profession.. Remember, the campaign is about to kick off ... #TeamLekinz


Wow .... Uwc madam ... I might consider writing cos of you, if I can help people lift a bit off their burden with my stories, then ave got a lot to do cos ace always wanted helping ....
Btw ... Mr Nl Contest is on ... Kindly join the campaign team for more updates ***Winks *** Jah bless

Me sef na co-contestant...

Lol very funny tho... Thanks fr d mention Tunrey004.

Eniqurl:
Lol very funny tho... Thanks fr d mention Tunrey004.

Thanks Bae, ave tried looking for ur handle on Twitter, couldn't get any user with that name ... Btw, you ve got lovely pic, cute face, isn't that pink lips ??, lovely pose, nice hairstyle... Adding you to the campaign team will bring nothing but huge success ... Thanks for ur support ... #TeamLekinz

tunery004:
Wow, this really cracked me up. Well don lekinz.
Oya, cherrybrown, pinkycute, ademoladeji, hfinest1, eniqurl, hurklan, BeeBeeOoh,nellyme, make una come here ooo laugh small

Owkay jst got here, let me quickly read the story

laughing presently from Berlin....nice one

Hurklan:
laughing presently from Berlin....nice one

The campaign is on bro ... Kindly join the moving train ... Jah bless

Hehehehe ..... Thumbs up dearie ... Ave started the campaign Ooooh

Wow mr OP this your short story made me laugh my head off. Weldone

TiffanyJ:
Wow mr OP this your short story made me laugh my head off. Weldone

Thanks madam ... More coming soon !!!...

Remember to vote Lekinz when it's time ... Jah bless

Good afternoon, I was banned by antispambox today while I was appreciating those that voted during the semi finals yesterday.

Will be happy if I can be unbanned cos I need to campaign for tomorrow's finals

Thanks
Ishilove
Lalasticlala
Mynd44

Morning, I sent my voice note later in the night yesterday. Lights out, coupled with slow Internet and at first I never knew how to send a VN through a mail ... Kindly help check your inbox ..

Cc Dygeasy
Mizmycoli