Want your opinions on this please.

If you were married and having not so great times and your husband then went and got in touch with ex girlfriends from the past, not to rekindle anything but to ask for their views of him, his marriage and what they think, as his wife how would that make you feel?

Why is his asking other people's opinion on his marriage life? If he is not that happy with it, a guy should try settle it at home with his wife or he could ask advise from his family or those people whom have tasted chilli first instead of his ex gf's. . . AMong all the things, he had to ask his ex gf The ones where he left cause their relationship wasn't going smoothly. Silly aint it? To me, I would feel awkward

How about friends and marriage, do you like an 'open house' where friends can drop by all the time? Do you think in a marriage it is to be expected that a husband places his importance on spending time with his friends?

Im not married but I would have to say that Im close to my bf's friends. Everytime they come, they would make themselves free in the house and we would talk like we know each other from the day we were born. His friends and my friends are the same so for this pele ooo. . . I dont know what to say and Im so sorry you're going through this. Have you talked to your husband about this? Tell him how you feel and be honest about it?

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Oh yes! I remembered. My mom had a problem just like yours as well. My father is constantly at the Golf club cause his friends are all there and he did not have time for the family at all. My mom use to be soo mad untill she figured out, its time she take matters into her own hand. So she went and join th Golf CLub and now she is a pro golfer. She and my father shared the same group of friends right now.

Personally, all the stuff you mentioned would bother me. My husband and I have these guy friends (who come from the same family) and their houses are open to their families to come in as they please. We talk about this all the time about how we'll hate to have been married to such a family. I'm sorry, we're both quite close to our families and all, but have this mindset that our nuclear family comes first. We're trying to build our own family and believe there should be a healthy limit to how the families we were born into, come and go in our house. I mean, they can stay in our house anytime, but we just believe they shouldn't randomly be coming and going like it's their house. Our families don't do that anyway. Everyone needs some level of privacy, abeg.

As for him asking his exes about your marriage, that is just stupid. He shouldn't even ask his family about your marriage. I don't understand where people get these ideas from. It's just so unwise. I believe a spouse should place his priority on his/her spouse. It doesn't mean the person cannot have friends, obviously not.

With that said, you still have to understand that because you come from a culture where extended family networks are not huge doesn't mean he should think the same way. He just has to respect how he handles things with you and his family/friends and to always (all things being equal) put his nuclear family first. I have to say though, that you guys dated/courted right? Are things really different from how it was then?

Thanks for your replies.

@ FS

Obviously, I think all he's doing is wrong. I have to admit that I might not be a regular Nigerian though. Thankfully, I found my husband and we have the same undyling beliefs. I don't know how people deal with your situation. I have to say that from all you stated, there were red flags from the beginning. He separated you from his friends, you didn't really meet any of them. Basically, you didn't really know who he was. It was like he had two separate worlds, one with you and the other with his family/friends. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Your husband seems very disrespectful. Taking calls when you're having a serious conversation about your relationship. I don't know what to tell you. Have you guys tried counseling?

I don't think you have a problem. Don't let any man try to undermine your self esteem. You both need to have serious conversations about everything. I only hope he's receptive.

With all that said (once again), you and your husband need different things. He likes the company of friends. He shouldn't separate you from them though, that's odd. He likes talking on his phone with friends, there's nothing wrong with that. He just has to still have time for you and not pick up every call when you're having a serious conversation. It's rude.

Once again, I'm sorry.

Thanks FS, I have been seriously going crazy

Ok, does he admit any fault on his part? I'm not saying you're 100% right and he's 100% wrong. Do you admit any wrongdoing and does he? You both have a part to play in this and you both have to be honest about your parts. If he heaps everything on you, that is just counterproductive and would not solve the problem. Does he want the problem to be solved? It takes two. You both need a counselor.

Him asking his ex-gf view of him as a man in a relationship is not a bad thing in of itself, after all they are probably the best set of people that could view him from the other end of a relationship. The issue should not be viewed from a jealous wife stand point, as long as the intention of both parties are honest, it could actually be a very good thing. The fact that they are his ex-gfs doesn't mean he was the one that broke it off, or that they will try to get him back at the slightest opportunity. Some of them might have seen some bad traits in him when they dated that they could give him advice on.

As good as family, clergy, mentors and mature friends are for marriage counseling, most of them have probably never seen a side of him that he exhibits in a relationship. For most people, the person known to their spouse, and the person known to others are usually like two different individuals.

Life is too short to learn from your own mistakes, so seeking advice from others on your marriage is  not bad. Gossiping about your spouse on the other hand is despicable. Not everyone can easily work through problems in their relationship, and some couples need others to point out things.

All that being said, the wife should keep a close eye on his relationship with his ex-gf, so as to curb things if they seem to be getting out of hand. As they say, once been to mecca, always an Alhaji!.

On friends and family, I don't have a problem with you dropping by uninvited. I don't expect my parents or siblings to call ahead before visiting me, as I wouldn't do same. That being said, there are few people I would freeze my life for, others will have to find whatever space they can in my schedule.

While you can make the argument that your husband knew (before marriage) your position on the issue, well so can he. From what you have said, he hasn't changed his position, and there is nowhere it is written that one's position should be adopted by the spouse. The best thing is for you to discuss it and reach a compromise e.g. cut down the number of people that can arrive unannounced to a small set.

Your husband is right though in that you shouldn't compete with his friends. In fact, I would advise you try to get his friends on your side, as you might be surprised how well positioned his friends are to help protect your interests. If you are close to them and they know how you feel about them showing up unannounced, they might actually improve their behavior for your sake. You don't always have to stand behind your spouse while relating with his family or friends, third party info usually leads to colored judgment. At times a direct relationship with his family or friends could actually be beneficial to your marriage.

Your husband shielding you away from his family and friend might be because he fears you might be rejected. You should try to understand his reasoning, and convince him to give you better access, being ready to deal with the possibility of rejection from some quarters. Initiate requests to go visit his family or friends.

When you get an opportunity to relate with his friends or family, please try to make the best of it, as it seems, for now that your opportunities will be far and few in between,. You could also try to make ancillary connections through their spouses or girlfriends as well. Any opportunity you can get to relate with  them without your husband in between would help.

NO he admits no fault, he says it is all mine, but yes he wants our marriage to work. I do admit my faults and try to cater to his needs but he is very stubborn and always believes his right. He is very caring and considerate to his friends but just not to me.

Bridget, u guys are still on this? shame the time you should use in building better relationship is being wasted fighting arguing.

in my opinion every high maintenance relationships are waste of time and not worth it.

by the way do any of you do drugs? i ask because there is some level of not living in real world here.

@JJYOU, well he used to smoke pot but said he quit!
But yes guess you're right, don't think I've ever had a proper relationship with him without him creating some drama. It is surreal, but my love for him makes me confused!

He's in London as we speak and can I get a reply from his phone nah! I quite easily can be switched out of his life as he chooses!

I have a friend that people walk into her house and go right to her kitchen and look in her pot and go in her fridge and it does not bother her. That would not fly in my home o. My siblings could do it but no body else. If my husband was home and my siblings were visiting then I would not even expect them to walk in and go into my pot. I feel your pain but if you were more diligent you would have noticed all of this before you married him

@ OUtstrip, yes that is exactly what he expects, he does it in their houses but I never could or would, I would find that rude and disrespectful. I like to cook for guests but would not expect a guest/friend/family to have to cook in our house. Its very tricky.