Forgive me, but this is a rant.

I live in Canada with my family and recently, my husbands relative was granted a study visa. Prior to him getting this visa, we all prayed for him and supported him financially as he was having a rough time in Nigeria. He graduated 7 years ago and hadn't been able to secure a job. He had been praying, fasting and finally God did it.

Anyway, we agreed to accommodate him for free, to lend a helping hand, but since he has been living with us, it appears that I have misjudged him.

I have noticed that some people only know how to pray for breakthroughs and to permanently be on the receiving end - never thinking about how to give. I'm not even talking about finances. I have 2 kids, and am pregnant with my 3rd and I work full time and this guy eats and leaves his plates in the sink for me to come and wash, he leaves his clothes for me to wash, even though I have shown him how to use the washing machine on more than 3 occasions. On top of this, he is very noisy - comes into the house late at night not caring that the kids are asleep, stomps up the stairs, bangs the door and starts calling his friends to tell them what God did for him and the good life he's living. Meanwhile, he has woken the kids up and I have to wake up at midnight to put them back to sleep, and i have work the next day! He blasts Nigerian music out of his room constantly, and I used to love Nigerian music, but now I'm sick of it.

On top of it, he'll come to me for assistance to fill out his medical forms, job application forms etc and help him with his studies. The other day, I had to go for a dental appointment and asked him to help me babysit for 1 hour - he said no. I can't imagine how someone can be constantly needing help but offering none in return. I'm really struggling through this pregnancy and making my work around the house while living like a lord is just unfair - especially as this is coming from someone who claims to religious. I have told my husband that I am not prepared to house any more relatives from Nigeria if it is going to cause me more headache than peace of mind, but then when I first came here aged 15, I was housed by a relative for 2 years. How do I handle this situation from a Nigerian perspective?

For real?

Pardon me...this is so incredible!

It is expected.. most people who never learn to do things on their own (if God is not involved) tend to depend on others even to wipe their own butt after crapping. Tell your husband that this has to change.. you got married to become one not to take care of each others families permanently.

voltron:
It is expected.. most people who never learn to do things on their own (if God is not involved) tend to depend on others even to wipe their own butt after crapping. Tell your husband that this has to change.. you got married to become one not to take care of each others families permanently.

It's really tiring and I'm exhausted.

Talk to him!

Madam, are u afraid of telling him exactly how you feel, in your own house again? Don't be confrontational, just call him ,seat him down and explain things to him eg, neighbors complain about the loud music, your house rule says everyone cleans his stuff etc.

If for any reason you can't tell him then have your husband do .

ifyalways:
Talk to him!
Madam, are u afraid of telling him exactly how you feel, in your own house again? Don't be confrontational, just call him ,seat him down and explain things to him eg, neighbors complain about the loud music, your house rule says everyone cleans his stuff etc.
If for any reason you can't tell him then have your husband do .

My sister, I have spoken to him several times - asked him to turn down the music and so has my husband in anger. The thing is that he has washed up a couple of times i.e done all the dishes for me and I have thanked him and shown appreciation. Based on that he has decided that he doesn't need to wash even his own dishes anymore. Plus I don't want to keep complaining so that it doesn't look like a witch hunt.

Where is your husband in all of this? Is he not aware of what his brother is putting you through? It is his job to put the brother in his place and not yours. I can't, for the life of me, understand why some men turn a blind eye to their relatives' misbehaviour.

OP, please talk to your husband and let him handle this. It is his job!

ogogoro:


It's really tiring and I'm exhausted.

A former colleague of mine was eventually fired after getting heavily indebted to both banks, money lenders and the company due to supporting numerous family members (urged on by his wife) who squandered the money and opportunity - They literally abandoned him to his fate; he eventually found another job but swore never to help family members anymore. You cannot continue to sustain a full-grown adult who refuses to use the opportunity God has granted him (through your family) to become independent.

tell your husband you cannot handle it anymore, maybe you guys can discuss that he moves in with someone else.

voltron:

A former colleague of mine was eventually fired after getting heavily indebted to both banks, money lenders and the company due to supporting numerous family members (urged on by his wife) who squandered the money and opportunity - They literally abandoned him to his fate; he eventually found another job but swore never to help family members anymore. You cannot continue to sustain a full-grown adult who refuses to use the opportunity God has granted him (through your family) to become independent.

This is such a wake up call because people naively really want to help relatives, but sometimes these relatives take it for granted for whatever reason. Things are hard in Nigeria, we understand that but things are hard here too people abroad also need as much support as people back home.

Your in-law needs to learn the hard way. He needs to be given an ultimatum.
You both need to tell him to stop misbehaving or he will be kicked out.

How is he paying his tuition fees?
Did he pay for student or off campus accommodation when he applied for his visa?

Some times we need that wicked part of us

When next he is disturbing with his loud music, tell your neighbour friend to call the police on him. When he gets questioned by the police, nobody will tell him to slow it down.

Anytime he leaves his clothes and dishes, call his attention to it. Ask him to do his dishes and clothes if he can't help with stuff in the house.

I don't buy the idea of in-law turning anyone to a slave. When he gets a part time job, encourage your husband to let him get his own place so he understand what paying bills mean.

Your moniker though...

ogogoro:


This is such a wake up call because people naively really want to help relatives, but sometimes these relatives take it for granted for whatever reason. Things are hard in Nigeria, we understand that but things are hard here too people abroad also need as much support as people back home.

So true. being abroad in a better economy does not mean money comes easy or it grows on trees, you have to thrive in an environment where you pay taxes, water/electricity bills, salaries are not exactly great on the average and also plan for the long-term. relatives do not want to understand that at all and it is a sad irony

MADAM FOR SEEKING HELP AT ALL IT SHOWS U ARE A GOOD WOMAN.I KNOW MANY WOMEN WILL ASK THEIR HUSBAND TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER AND HIS BROTHER.
THE BEST THING IS FOR UR HUSBAND TO TALK TO HIS BROTHER. I KNOW WAT U ARE GOING TRU

MarryMeee:
tell your husband you cannot handle it anymore, maybe you guys can discuss that he moves in with someone else.

You are required to make suggestions and not give instructions.

Madam Ogogoro, why did you start what you know you can't finish. The first time he left his dirty dishes and clothes was when you were supposed to address this. The first time he played that music loud was when you were supposed to tell him not to do it again. If he actually refused to look after the kids for an hour, you should then refuse to help him with his application forms. Hubby's relatives come to our house and stay. Throughout the summer, we always have visitors and most of them are repeat visitors. It does not bother me because I don't give anybody the chance to bother me in my house. I think it will be unfair to say you don't want any more of his relatives. I believe it's much better to have relatives but with boundaries.

ladygogo:
Your in-law needs to learn the hard way. He needs to be given an ultimatum.
You both need to tell him to stop misbehaving or he will be kicked out.

How is he paying his tuition fees?
Did he pay for student or off campus accommodation when he applied for his visa?

ladygogo aka gadaffi!

Whenever he leaves his clothes lying around unwashed, ignore them.
When he has no more clean cloths to wear, he will go find them in the laundry room and wash.

Highest thing he will do is report you to folks back home. E no pass like that.

Bellong's idea is smart. Connive with a neighbor to call the cops on him for disturbing the peace just once and he will forever tone it down.

As for dishes well. I don't know how you can handle that as he may keep piling the dishes until you run out of space in the sink.

Can you tell him to just put his dish in the dishwasher after each meal.

Just take it easy and Don't stress your baby too much.

Thank tou all for your helpful advice. At least I know that I'm not going crazy and I'm not over reacting when I decide to have a chat with him again.

Brandnew2:

You are required to make suggestions and not give instructions.

the words "maybe you can discuss" sound like an instruction to you? God punish you and your english teachers.

ogogoro:
Thank tou all for your helpful advice. At least I know that I'm not going crazy and I'm not over reacting when I decide to have a chat with him again.

You have no business calling him to order, that's not your job.... His brother should do it. Shikena.

ogogoro:
Forgive me, but this is a rant.

I live in Canada with my family and recently, my husbands relative was granted a study visa. Prior to him getting this visa, we all prayed for him and supported him financially as he was having a rough time in Nigeria. He graduated 7 years ago and hadn't been able to secure a job. He had been praying, fasting and finally God did it.

Anyway, we agreed to accommodate him for free, to lend a helping hand, but since he has been living with us, it appears that I have misjudged him.

I have noticed that some people only know how to pray for breakthroughs and to permanently be on the receiving end - never thinking about how to give. I'm not even talking about finances. I have 2 kids, and am pregnant with my 3rd and I work full time and this guy eats and leaves his plates in the sink for me to come and wash, he leaves his clothes for me to wash, even though I have shown him how to use the washing machine on more than 3 occasions. On top of this, he is very noisy - comes into the house late at night not caring that the kids are asleep, stomps up the stairs, bangs the door and starts calling his friends to tell them what God did for him and the good life he's living. Meanwhile, he has woken the kids up and I have to wake up at midnight to put them back to sleep, and i have work the next day! He blasts Nigerian music out of his room constantly, and I used to love Nigerian music, but now I'm sick of it.

On top of it, he'll come to me for assistance to fill out his medical forms, job application forms etc and help him with his studies. The other day, I had to go for a dental appointment and asked him to help me babysit for 1 hour - he said no. I can't imagine how someone can be constantly needing help but offering none in return. I'm really struggling through this pregnancy and making my work around the house while living like a lord is just unfair - especially as this is coming from someone who claims to religious. I have told my husband that I am not prepared to house any more relatives from Nigeria if it is going to cause me more headache than peace of mind, but then when I first came here aged 15, I was housed by a relative for 2 years. How do I handle this situation from a Nigerian perspective?

I'm struggling to understand why you've got reservations addressing him? Is he older than you, perhaps?

Irrespective, you can't be a slave in your own home. You're pregnant and working full time. You need a clean, quiet, and peaceful home on your return from work to relax. Make him understand that he has to clean up his shyte and play by the rules when living as a visitor with someone.

Typical Naija character. Loud and bush for that matter.

It is well.

Honestly, I stopped reading at “he leaves his cloths for me to wash” Are you shittn me? Even if your husband picked you off the streets you don't deserve this dis Respect.

MarryMeee:
the words "maybe you can discuss" sound like an instruction to you? God punish you and your english teachers.

Read again.

"Tell your husband you cannot handle it anymore".

It is people like you who cause squabbles between families.

Did her post suggest she can't handle it?

She only sought ideas on better ways to"handle it"...

***
I'm beyond trading insults with one who is so desperate for a life partner to the point of showcasing it shamelessly here.

Does your husband work the night shift or always away from home? The things you've mentioned here are so glaring for him not to notice.

He's a baskard!







Let me go back and read the OP
I only read the first the first two paragraphs...

ottizz:
Does your husband work the night shift or always away from home? The things you've mentioned here are so glaring for him not to notice.

My husband works very long hours, so he's away from home until about midnight everyday.

When I first got here I was housed by strangers I met for two weeks and 've since been taking care of myself...

Are you talking about a kid or just an adult?

Well that's why I no dey do relative thing.

Kids are striving for excellence and a Nigerian University graduate is behaving like that,what can I say,isn't he in Canada?

Reminds me of some of those aborigines,funny indeed. Just let him feed himself and pay his Bills,believe me he'll forget titles of Nigerian songs.

Mtweeeeeee

coogar:


ladygogo aka gadaffi!

lol. People like op's relative only learn when they start working, paying rent and bills.

Op's relative may be staying with them for a long time since international students cant work until after two terms unless he has the liver to work under the table.

ladygogo:


lol. People like op's relative only learn when they start working, paying rent and bills.

Op's relative may be staying with them for a long time since international students cant work until after two terms unless he has the liver to work under the table.

so in her shoes, how would you handle him?

cococandy:
Whenever he leaves his clothes lying around unwashed, ignore them.
When he has no more clean cloths to wear, he will go find them in the laundry room and wash.

Highest thing he will do is report you to folks back home. E no pass like that.

Bellong's idea is smart. Connive with a neighbor to call the cops on him for disturbing the peace just once and he will forever tone it down.

As for dishes well. I don't know how you can handle that as he may keep piling the dishes until you run out of space in the sink.

Can you tell him to just put his dish in the dishwasher after each meal.

Just take it easy and Don't stress your baby too much.

Dealing with the cloth issue is very easy, just ignore them and if his clothes keep piling up, nobody will tell him to do the needful. For the plates, tell him to wash up after himself and that you wouldn't want your kids to pick up the habits of leaving plates in the zinc. Let him know that whenever he wakes your kids he will put them back to sleep. It's better you set the boundaries now before your home becomes unbearable for you. I am sure he is also testing his limit to know how far he can get away with his behavior so it's left to you and your husband to let him know your rules. At least if he is not willing to help, he shouldn't add to your burden.