A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know what i want to say"

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

l.o.l

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line,

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find Africa.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered Africa? CLASS: africans!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: He has to get up early.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher , snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENETEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is,
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received 1000naira from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had ten naira and you asked your father for another, how many nairas would you have?
VINCENT: ten dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

mathew was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull penis back
4. Pee
5. Push penis forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5,

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking

dat was beauuuuuuuuuuutiful!

Sammie,

I dey feel u o, u r really cracking me up here!

LITTLE SOCHI wasn't a very good at speller. One day, during a
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked LITTLE SOCHI, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After thinking a few seconds, LITTLE SOCHI said, "Canoe

======================================
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed?
And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven
and there plucked an strange and beautiful flower?
And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand?
Ah, what then

On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, UCHE sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad.
His father noticed him crying and asked,

"What's wrong, UCHE?"

Between sniffles UCHE replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you!!"
==================================
"We all dream; we do not understand our dreams, yet we act as if nothing strange goes on in our sleep minds, strange at least by comparison with the logical, purposeful doings of our minds when we are awake."
Engrave this quote

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little SOCHI got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little SOCHI. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
=============================================
Cherish your vision and your dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

-

The FEMALE teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

Little SOCHI raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
====================================
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible

==Little SOCHI had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Hold on," she said. "I had SOCHI with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved
==============================
Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country."

Little SOCHI's teacher said, "SOCHI, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."

Did you copy hers?, she asked.

SOCHI replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
====================================
“We must nurture our dreams like we would a child. They are God-given and just as precious. Without ambition how would a child learn to ride a bicycle, play an instrument or whistle? We deny the spirit of God when we as adults settle for less than our dreams!”

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story,

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotAs and fix the wall!"

=============================
“Dreaming is not an accident. It is not a wistful idea you hope will come true. Dreaming is not the stuff of long-haired hippies wistfully running along a beach. No! Dreaming is a sophisticated tool used by the elite of our society to make themselves and this world a better place. People like NNAMDI AZIKIWE, , NELSON MANDELA, GEORGE WASHINTON and Walt Disney all started with a dream. The dreams started small, but like the trickle of water that eventually formed the great Grand Canyon, DREAMS ARE POWERFUL!”

Little SOCHI's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little SOCHI replies, "A TEACHER
==================================================
"It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this."

LITTLE SON OF A BITCH
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's  teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."


==================================
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, SOCHI, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little SOCHI replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook."
======================================
Are you ready to cut off your head and place your foot on it? If so, come; Love awaits you! Love is not grown in a garden, nor sold in the marketplace; whether you are a king or a servant, the price is your head, and nothing less. Yes, the cost of the elixir of love is your head! Do you hesitate? 0 miser, It is cheap at that price!"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary, Mary,

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a DOG in GERMANY.
================================================
"We all lose friends, we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on."
Engrave

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw, I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet, "

================
Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn't figure out what it was.So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.She said,"Okay,I'll give you a hint.I call your father this."Little Johnny said to his brother,"Quick Bobby, spit it out,its asshole!"

================
A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you CHOSE

three men are fishing on a boat in the middle of a lake. there is a preist, a rabbi, and a convict. the preist gets a bite and when he tries to reel it in, the line breaks. so the preist steps out of the boat, walking on the water, and retreives his hook. amazed, the convict wonders how he did this and comes to the conclusion that it must've been a miracle. later the rabbi gets a bite and when he reels it in, his line also breaks. effortlessly, he walks on the water and retreives his hook. once again the convict wonders how this is possible, and again he belives it is a miracle. finnaly, the convict stands up eager to see if he can do it also. when he steps out of the boat, he sinks and drowns. the preist looks at the rabbi and says, "think we should've told him where the rocks were?"
=================
"The cure for all ills and wrongs, the cares, the sorrows and the crimes of humanity, all lie in the one word 'love.' It is the divine vitality that everywhere produces and restores life."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





















Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--only with what you are expecting to give--which is everything.
=================KEEP GOING DOWN















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.
























"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do."
==========KEEP GOING DOWN












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.
.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
===============================
"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." ---I WITNESSED IT , sam milla

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to UnCloth. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'
==============
Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." ---milla

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches." =
=================

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
=============================
"He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare,
While he who has one enemy
Shall meet him everywhere."

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"

The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."
===============
"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"