As I write this, my children are asleep in their room, Loretta Lynn is on the stereo, and my wife is out on a date with a man named Paulo. It’s her second date this week; her fourth this month so far. If it goes like the others, she’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how she and Paulo had sex. I won’t explode with anger or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell her it’s a hot story and I’m glad she had fun. It’s hot because she’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a feminist.


Before my wife started sleeping with other men, I certainly considered myself a feminist, but I really only understood it in the abstract. When I quit working to stay at home with the kids, I began to understand it on a whole new level. I am an economically dependent househusband coping with the withering drudgery of child-rearing. Now that I understand the reality of that situation, I don’t blame women for demanding more for themselves than the life of the housewife.


Still, as a man, I could, if I wanted to, portray what I’m doing as “work,” and thus claim for myself the prestige men traditionally derive from “work.” Whenever I tell someone I stay home with the kids, they invariably say, “Hardest work in the world.” They say this because the only way to account for a man at home with the kids is to say what he’s doing is hard work. But there’s a subtext in the compliment that makes it backhanded: We both know no one ever says it to a woman. Mothers care; fathers provide care. The difference is crucial. Despite my total withdrawal from the economy and the traditional sources of masculine identity, I can still argue I am a provider. I provide care.


In this way, my masculine self-image was stretched but not broken. Diaper bag notwithstanding, I was still a Man. It wasn’t until my wife mentioned one evening that she’d kissed another man and liked it and wanted to do more than kiss next time that I realized how my status as a Man depended on a single fact: that my wife fûcked only me.


That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.

Continue from top

How does it work? We take turns going out. Because we have small children (ages 6 and 3), one of us stays home. (We don’t like to use babysitters because it gives us a curfew; we’d rather go out unfettered than worry about turning into a pumpkin at midnight.) Going out alone to hooking up with others was an easy transition. It does work both ways and, yes, I too enjoy sexual carte blanche. I just don’t use mine as much as my wife uses hers. What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome.

How does it feel? It feels great … mostly. Most of the time, it feels like a mature, responsible way to address our needs and desires within our loving, mutually supportive marriage. It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do. I meet a lot of people who say they’ll never get married because they don’t want to get divorced, and hearing it always makes me sad, because they are cutting themselves off from the possibility of the magic that happens when two people share their lives. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough. I never forget that my wife is a whole person unto herself, a complete and dynamic individual, and though we are together, we’re not one. Too often people get trapped in the roles of husband and wife, and a gulf opens between what they think they should be and who they really are. Opening our marriage has allowed us to close that gap so that the person I call “wife” is the same person my wife sees in the mirror. Lying to each other begins with lying to yourself, and now we don’t have to lie to anyone.



There are of course moments of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. Recently, my wife went on a date and fell asleep at his apartment. I hadn’t heard from her since 10 p.m., she still wasn’t home at 6 a.m. My texts went unanswered and my calls went to voicemail. A tight knot of dread lodged in my stomach as I imagined all kinds of dire scenarios and realized that I not only didn’t know where she was, I had no idea whom she was with. I pictured myself going to the police saying, “I think she’s in Red Hook with a guy named Ryan. I don’t know his last name, but I think he’s a graphic designer?” I’m not sure there’s actually a word for the unique blend of acute terror and unforgivable shame I felt that morning imagining that I’d lost my wife to Ryan, the maybe graphic designer. When she finally texted me at 7:30 a.m., relief coursed through me like morphine. She wrote, “fuckfuckfuckfuck Im soooooo sorry. Fell asleep.” I replied, “Just glad you’re ok, but next time, no radio silence. Remember: you’re not alone.”

What surprises most people is when I tell them it’s not the sex-with-other-men that bothers me. The sex is the easy part, the fun part. It’s what the sex connects to, stands for, reveals that can be difficult. I don’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, and every time she goes on a date, I confront the possibility that she might. It happened at the beginning: The first person she dated after we opened up fell hard in love with her, and my wife, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love him back. Watching it happen, I was confused, angry, and terrified that she wanted to leave me. She assured me she didn’t, and whatever feelings she had for him didn’t lessen what she felt for me. Believing her then was the ultimate trust exercise. We survived because eventually I did believe her, and also because I learned to trust myself.


This has been the great challenge of my open marriage: to draw strength from vulnerability. Doing so requires supreme self-confidence. You must first really, truly love yourself; it is the foundation upon which all the other love is built. From everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers, failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head, that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than the basic dignity we all possess. I’m grateful to my wife for pushing us to take this leap, and whatever happens to us in the future I would do it all again. And when she comes home tonight and crawls into bed beside me with a hot story about her date with Paulo, she’ll do it all again, too.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/what-open-marriage-taught-one-man-about-feminism.html

Lol..

Rubbish.

If Dis Is Feminism Then Im Against It

Both of them are sampling other folks about town and he's trying to say it's because he supports feminism?
Is that what gives him license to sleep with other women too?

Lol I see he wants to be the only one sleeping around then it won't be feminism's fault that they are promiscuous.

Anyway HIV is real Mr and Mrs. You guys better woulda been better as single co-parents.

Now my question is, does feminism has anything to do with open marriage? Not at all feminism has nothing to do with open marriages. It's about equality in a marriage, work, social environments, and parenting. Marriage is for the purpose of bearing children, which means having sex, which means she's out getting f'd! She's in a position to bear another man's child. How is that equality? It's not! It's her taking advantage of a dipsheet husband who's been brow-beaten into compliance so that she can get her way. She's getting free dinner and sex while you're bearing the cost and responsibility of her maintenance! Your relationship isn't based on any sense of feminism. There's no equality there. She's having her cake and eating it, too! And you're endorsing her lifestyle while she's out playing the field! Either end your sham marriage for the sake of the children, or demand devotion for the same reason because this relationship isn't a relationship. It's roommates with children.

I honestly believe in "different strokes for different folk", but this a load of garbage that he has somehow talked himself into accepting. Call me selfish, but I want a partner who is just for me. I don't need someone lying next to me at night, after she has enjoyed a long evening of sex in possibly all of it's forms with another.

Yes, we all can run into someone that we find deeply attractive, but sharing the intimacy with someone else that you do with your partner cheapens what you have between you. There is little left sacred. And those seemingly harmless "dates" can easily turn into a great deal more that could cause all concerned unbearable pain.

If a person wants an open relationship, they should remain single.

They are both having their cakes and eating it.

He's moping about it because he's selfish. He wants to be the only one licensed to fvck about town. Good for him that his wife is like him. So whatever he's feeling, he can rest assured she feels it too when he's away.

Well he can also go out and father a child there. So in that aspect, it's equal what they are doing to each other
Besides Marriage is not only for procreation.

But you're right it has nothing to do with equality or feminism. Na just two people who woulda been better off not married to each other.

Or maybe they would be totally fine being married to each other if he's not having second thoughts about the arrangement he's benefiting from too.

Vivalavida99:
Now my question is, does feminism has anything to do with open marriage? Not at all feminism has nothing to do with open marriages. It's about equality in a marriage, work, social environments, and parenting. Marriage is for the purpose of bearing children, which means having sex, which means she's out getting f'd! She's in a position to bear another man's child. How is that equality? It's not! It's her taking advantage of a dipsheet husband who's been brow-beaten into compliance so that she can get her way. She's getting free dinner and sex while you're bearing the cost and responsibility of her maintenance! Your relationship isn't based on any sense of feminism. There's no equality there. She's having her cake and eating it, too! And you're endorsing her lifestyle while she's out playing the field! Either end your sham marriage for the sake of the children, or demand devotion for the same reason because this relationship isn't a relationship. It's roommates with children.

Just when you think you'd heard enough, you meet another one
Spouse -approved adultery! And they are busy justifying it. Sickening

Aringarosa:
I honestly believe in "different strokes for different folk", but this a load of garbage that he has somehow talked himself into accepting. Call me selfish, but I want a partner who is just for me. I don't need someone lying next to me at night, after she has enjoyed a long evening of sex in possibly all of it's forms with another.

Yes, we all can run into someone that we find deeply attractive, but sharing the intimacy with someone else that you do with your partner cheapens what you have between you. There is little left sacred. And those seemingly harmless "dates" can easily turn into a great deal more that could cause all concerned unbearable pain.

If a person wants an open relationship, they should remain single.

Couldn't have said it better.

cococandy:
Both of them are sampling other folks about town and he's trying to say it's because he supports feminism?
Is that what gives him license to sleep with other women too?
Lol I see he wants to be the only one sleeping around then it won't be feminism's fault that they are promiscuous.
Anyway HIV is real Mr and Mrs. You guys better woulda been better as single co-parents.

I think Vivaldiva99's analysis is closer to the mark. His sleeping around is forced - and probably encouraged by her to make it seem equal. She's the one who want's to slut around. He doesn't want to lose her, she doesn't care. Indeed, he lost her already, she has just artfully arranged things to keep it convenient and him at her service.

Vivalavida99:
Now my question is, does feminism has anything to do with open marriage? Not at all feminism has nothing to do with open marriages. It's about equality in a marriage, work, social environments, and parenting. Marriage is for the purpose of bearing children, which means having sex, which means she's out getting f'd! She's in a position to bear another man's child. How is that equality? It's not! It's her taking advantage of a dipsheet husband who's been brow-beaten into compliance so that she can get her way. She's getting free dinner and sex while you're bearing the cost and responsibility of her maintenance! Your relationship isn't based on any sense of feminism. There's no equality there. She's having her cake and eating it, too! And you're endorsing her lifestyle while she's out playing the field! Either end your sham marriage for the sake of the children, or demand devotion for the same reason because this relationship isn't a relationship. It's roommates with children.

I would have said this was spot on - except for one thing. Feminism is not about "equality" it's about female privilige - to act as they like without consequence. Which is what she's got - along with a baby sitter she occassionally treats to sex.

And there's no such thing as an open marriage - by definition marriage is about fidelity.
Men always maintain higher status in your wifes eyes - attraction hinges on it, and without it she is liable to stray.


TV

salt1:
Just when you think you'd heard enough, you meet another one
Spouse -approved adultery! And they are busy justifying it. Sickening

The new thing here is husband approved adultery... (which is not entirely new. Men have been known to 'hire' their wives for contracts and other benefits.

Wives have approved their husband's adultery for ages

I think the wife always wanted to cheat and chose the husband's 'vulnerable' moment to throw it into the mix.

Or maybe she just wanted it.

Bad Goodluck to them

However, this is 100% better then sneaking around and pretending to be committed in the marriage.

And I am yet to get the correlation between feminism and open marriages

There is no way this guy can be that much of a wuss and there is no way his wife can be that much of a dirty dirty LovePeddler. Dude, if this story is true, wake up and deal with reality. Get a divorce, get in shape, get a real job, get some therapy, get your testosterone levels checked, get some self-respect. Feminism is mostly an ugly philosophy, reject that nonsense. Go shawshenk on her, if not for you do it for your children.

How do we know who raised the topic first?
He had the choice to say an emphatic NO but probably didn't because he thought it would be fun to be able to sample other ladies. He just didn't put into account how her own sampling other guys would make him feel.

It is still not late for him to put a stop to the nonsense instead of whining about feminism.

If he was slutting around and she was the "ever-prayerful-wear-red-pant-and-green-bra-cook-his-favorite-meal-to-win-him-back" kind of wife, we won't be hearing about feminism on this issue.

Folks can't take what they dish.

Don't be surprised the wife could tell you she's not feminist.

TV01:

I think Vivaldiva99's analysis is closer to the mark. His sleeping around is forced - and probably encouraged by her to make it seem equal. She's the one who want's to slut around. He doesn't want to lose her, she doesn't care. Indeed, he lost her already, she has just artfully arranged things to keep it convenient and him at her service.


I would have said this was spot on - except for one thing. Feminism is not about "equality" it's about female privilige - to act as they like without consequence. Which is what she's got - along with a baby sitter she occassionally treats to sex.

And there's no such thing as an open marriage - by definition marriage is about fidelity.
Men always maintain higher status in your wifes eyes - attraction hinges on it and without it she is liable to stray.


TV

As an aside, i reject feminism for what it is: an ideology of traditional sexist stereotypes masquerading as a radical social movement. In sum, feminism is not trying to abolish gender roles, but to domesticate masculinity to as to empower femininity, not eliminate both masculinity and femininity together. And so long as women maintain her traditional PASSIVE role in courtship, she is perpetuating sexist masculine stereotypes of the aggressive male in hot pursuit of the sexy female.

Vivalavida99:
Now my question is, does feminism has anything to do with open marriage?

I've said it before. after reading many books , seen different marriage trends and even attended the movt conferences . The only cohabitation arrangement that works in any relationship that will give each partner the right to freedom is open marriage.

Not at all feminism has nothing to do with open marriages.

Maybe not all but I very much believe most of them.

Why do you think all these married Role models (chichi) have more followers/apologists than divorced & single ones? They (followers) finally see what to cling onto for once in their lives. It's a breakthrough for them. A breakthrough to keep a home and have the right to make decisions/choices without that obligation to consult anyone. Well even though they do not know how these Role models homes were ran, the portrait of a perfect family is a solice on its own. 'Why can't they pull that off ? '

IMO ; Feminism is the right to exercise freedom without barrier or being controlled('slavery').

Since it has been established from time immemorial ('Tradition' which the movt hate like a plaque) that men have more rights than women so the "What is good of goose is good for the gander' comes into play hence Feminism.

Every other purpose the movt claimed to support have their own respective NGO bodies ( human rights/women rights/FGM etc).. It's all cover up.

Tenk.

cococandy:
How do we know who raised the topic first?
He had the choice to say an emphatic NO but probably didn't because he thought it would be fun to be able to sample other ladies. He just didn't put into account how her own sampling other guys would make him feel.

It is still not late for him to put a stop to the nonsense instead of whining about feminism.

If he was slutting around and she was the "ever-prayerful-wear-red-pant-and-green-bra-cook-his-favorite-meal-to-win-him-back" kind of wife, we won't be hearing about feminism on this issue.

Folks can't take what they dish.

Don't be surprised the wife could tell you she's not feminist.

I think the wife brought it up first when she told him how she liked another man's kissing and wanted to go further?

Who has that discussion with a spouse they respect? (Except they are both into crazy things before)

bukatyne:


I think the wife brought it up first when she told him how she liked another man's kissing and wanted to go further?

Who has that discussion with a spouse they respect? (Except they are both into crazy things before)

I'm wondering why he agreed.
anyway each to their own.
Open marriages sound good on paper but folks don't take it account the feelings of insecurity that follow it.

cococandy:


I'm wondering why he agreed.
anyway each to their own.
Open marriages sound good on paper but folks don't take it account the feelings of insecurity that follow it.

True, true

I see a lot of theory flying round even on NL.

Amen!!!!!

Mature minds only!!!!
How much sex can you have with a spouse in marriage?
Sex na love?

Only for BUSSSSSHITO Africans for sure!
Mtcheeeeeeeeeeew!!!!!!

KanwuliaJara:
Amen!!!!!

Mature minds only!!!!
How much sex can you have with a spouse in marriage?
Sex na love?

Only for BUSSSSSHITO Africans for sure!
Mtcheeeeeeeeeeew!!!!!!

I know say you go land here.

But seriously Kanwulia, do you honestly think a 'real' married couple in love will be comfortable in an open marriage, mature or not?

Phema:


I know say you go land here.

But seriously Kanwulia, do you honestly think a 'real' married couple in love will be comfortable in an open marriage, mature or not?

Answer: YES!!!!

Love has nothing to do with SEX!
The kind of DEEP love you can ever have for any human, can NEVER involve SEX! It is too pure to be tarnished by SEX!

It is spiritual!

Do you love with your heart or sexual organ?

Love has MANY phases. The PUREST form of love does not involve SEX period!

If couples still find themselves sexually-desirable, they are still living IN THE FLESH! .

That is NOT love!!!!



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMriOspUvA

If it makes them happy then wetin be my own

Love has nothing to do with SEX!
The kind of DEEP love you can ever have for any human, can NEVER involve
SEX! It is too pure to be tarnished by SEX!
It is spiritual!
Do you love with your heart or sexual organ?
Love has MANY phases. The PUREST form of love does not involve SEX period!.....


with all this if your husband is cheating on you its just sex not love so don't complain...

no be me talk am na madam KanwuliaJara

They have both chosen a polyamorous union over a monogamous one...why the need for all the grammar?
Polyamory has existed long before feminism. Feminism is not the antecedent of polyamory.

A comment on the site from a self confessed cuckold, lol.

The most troubling thing about the essay to me are the implications – never quite stated – that open marriages are inherently feminist or that embracing non-monogamy is a sine-qua-non of feminism. These implications may or may not be intended by the author, but they are clear. Also they are complete rubbish.
My wife has had sex with other men since before we were even married. I am not ashamed or defensive about this – I celebrate it. We have constructed a loving marriage that maximally provides for our wants and needs, of which cuckolding is only a part. But these arrangements are not reflections of our feminism, they are a reflection of our fetishes. We had monogamous relationships in the past and were feminists. Most of our friends are feminists, and most are (so far as we know) monogamous. Also, because of our own non-monogamy we have met friends and acquaintances who are not monogamous. Many of them are also feminists, but not all. We have not even seen correlation, let alone causation.

frankly, respect yourself mrs cococandy.

okay...assuming he's equally faithful and his wife is also faithful, does that mean he supports feminism too?

KanwuliaJara:
Answer: YES!!!!

Love has nothing to do with SEX!
The kind of DEEP love you can ever have for any human, can NEVER involve SEX! It is too pure to be tarnished by SEX!

It is spiritual!

Do you love with your heart or sexual organ?

Love has MANY phases. The PUREST form of love does not involve SEX period!

If couples still find themselves sexually-desirable, they are still living IN THE FLESH! .

That is NOT love!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMriOspUvA

Really, i do think this is subjective.

For some people, sex is merely two different bodies riding against each other. For some others, it goes beyond that and actually involves emotions, feelings, love.

To each his own. Whatever works for a couple. . .

oloyede252:
With all this if your husband is cheating on you its just sex not love so don't complain...

no be me talk am na madam KanwuliaJara

She's in an open marriage.