Hi,  i am a white girl and i have been living overseas for a while now,  my boyfriend is a Nigerian man.  I recently found out i am pregnant and am opposed to abortion.  When i discussed this with my boyfriend i found out that he actually has a wife and daughter back in Nigeria already and wants the situation to just dissapear.

He does not want anyone in Nigeria to find out about this, however i do not want to have an abortion.  He has given me the impression that it would cause big problems for him.

I plan on returning to my own country and going ahead with the pregnancy, i dont expect marriage etc from him, but i would like him to recognize his has a child and not to have it be a secret for the rest of the child's life.

Any suggestions.  and can anyone advise what would be the consequences of his wife and family finding out.

Like I will continue to say, in life, we choose the way we intend to live it. Now, you are faced with a situation, what to do? How to respond? What next? These and more, are the questions on your mind. Now, let's see, how to tackle this.

How old are you? Do you have a job? Overseas, as in Nigeria or where? How long have you dated Mr Irresponsible Idiot?

There is nothing so sad, like been pregnant and the guy does not want the child. It will be a lot different if you both don't want the child for reasons best known to both of you.

Now, take a deep breathe and relax. This is definitely not the end of the world. Hey, there are peeps out there with very serious health problems. This too, shall pass away. Your response to the above questions will help in advicing you better.

In all, stay strong, you can do this!

I have spent my morning looking for a place in which to ask advise, this is the first time a have posted a message to this site and i have to say i am not so impressed with it.

I know nothing about nigerian family beliefs, values etc.  I have already made the decision to keep the baby no matter what the concequences are.  I am asking about what i can expect in the future for my child.

there are many nigerian men living in foreign countries for years while they have familys back in nigeria and therefore i expect that this is not the first time this circumstance has happened.

The reason why I posted this message is to find out if anyone else has been/is/has heard of a similar situation and what was the outcome.

I dont think all nigerian men are dogs,  i dont hate my boyfriend etc, i am trying to understand the situation he is in as my background and family is very different to what his appears to be.

If i just wanted sympathy and bagging nigerian men would i have posted to this site

I am 35 years old, i have a university degree and a job.  I dont need anyone to hold my hand.  I am in a position both financially and emotionally to raise a child on my own.  However,  I dont want my child to not know who its father is.  I want to be able to tell the child who its father is and the circumstances.  

We are both living in Korea at the moment and have been dating for a year.

What is going to happen in the future if the child goes looking for his father.  My boyfriend is indicating that if his family and wife found out then he would be left with nothing, no family, no money etc (completely ousted from his village).  Is this really what can happen.  In my county people get divorced, move on, stay together through problems etc.  they family sticks by them and supports them.  He is indicating that this is impossible.

Gemmie, why in Pete's name are you listening to the guy. He is irresponsible. What do you expect him to tell you? Men, men, men. Sometimes, I want to beat them up. But most times, it is usually we, the ladies that need to change our paradigm.

Ok, Gemmie, you are old enough to be on your own and choose your life. One, you can find out about his father's culture and ish. This is the 21st century. And as far as his family ousting him, he should have thought about that before getting with you. Stupid irresponsible idiot.

Men, like this your boyfriend are the ones going around making peeps think Nigerian men are bad. For your own good and for your state of mind, leave this guy. I am sure it is not easy, but believe me, you are better off on your own.

Gemmie, your boyfriend is a bloody liar, nobody will disown him.Forget about him and  find a way of letting his family know you have a son for him no matter how he resist it. Also make it clear  you are not asking for an assistance in bringing up the child. Forget about nasty  maggot headed people like IICE who have been outrightly rude to you on this site. trhey are just bloody jealous that a black man like you a white babe better. Find out and you will know IICE and her friend attacking  and judging you are old spinsters. Make sure you child knows his father and that his father has a root but that you have decided to  keep him cos he is God's gift. IICE and company, na jealousy go kill una, una toto go rotten for  hell, shameless stupid girls like you. Gemmie it is well.

Well Gemmie you seem to have a lot of answers and solutions to your problem. I'm sorry if I came out to strong, I just get so sick and tied of seeing girl in School go through the same predicament.I understand that accidents can happen  but when it does happen we just have to face it and find a support group in our society or talk to a relative. Good luck to you again Gammie

Thanks for so many responses, both good and bad.  As much as I dont want to hear negative things it is nothing compared to what i will get from my family and friends when i tell them.  Things like "are you stupid" "how can you raise a baby with no father" "why not have an abortion" are coming to mind.  However, I am the one looking at the baby on the ultrasound and listening to the heartbeat and it is my life.

I dont want to cause arguments between posters, everyone can have their own opinion, it is hard to put all the details into one post for people to make informed responses

What a few people have said is correct, i dont want anything from the father financially etc, but i do want my child to know its family and herritage.  The child is half nigerian and i want it to know about its nationality, country etc.

The child is not Nigerian unless you raise him/her as a Nigerian. The child is better off being Korean. When the child comes of age, he/she will let you know whether he/she wants to know more about his/her sperm donor.

The man lied to you.
Men in Nigeria sometimes marry more than one wife.
It is possible that his wife will dump him for this but not common.
His people can not do more than tell him off (family) but the village has no say in this.
But his people will only accept that the child is "Theirs" if the man says its his child.
The Word of the man counts more than any DNA or blood test.
I do not know what country you come from but the best thing is just to raise your child .
When the child wants any extras he /she , will let you know.
Also keep the name some pictures and the address of the man.
If you are lucky he will keep in torch.

Gemmie what a sorry case we have here. Firstly I would want u to admit that u have 40% blame of your present situation the reason is this, you failed to realise the mission of your Nigerian boyfriend knowing well that he is not a citizen of that country which means he could be sent there by his parent, a group, company on a mission and hearing dt he impregnate a somebody could stop his mission financially dt is why he had to lied to u. Secondly because of d sexual satisfaction u get from him u damn the consequence of getting pregnant all this to me are the precautions u could hv taken. As for d child his/her future lies in ur hand for him/her to succeed depends on you. Mind u that u wnt the child to knw his/her origin is a nice decision but pls never paint d other party black. I will like to advice dt try and see if u trace his family I mean his parents also try to get in touch wit them making them to knw wat there son had done and that any time d child ask of his/her father u will bring him/her down after which if d child is willing to stay wit them and u are also willing to let go of d child u can leave him behind, then wat ever happen after is a problem he has to face. May God Help u.

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gurl, you do whatever that you want to do because this is his problem. if he knew he had a wife and kids back home, he shouldn't have put the situation on you, making you feel like the bad guy.

Well, its not the end of the world u still got urself ur kid tha is about to be born, carry on with ur life and u never no wat mite happen. Keep strong wish u da best.

na today

@ don jazzie lol na today wat do u mean

na today wey 9ja guys dey drop pickin for away wen dem get wife and children for hia.abegi maa hear better word

@don jazzie lol i am feelin u here!

Sucks for you girl! My best advice is this. Raise your child to the best of your ability. You dont need any lying man around your child in the first place.

Straighten yourself up, find a good job, do all you can to be successful and love your child with all your heart.

Dont worry, God is watching over you.

not judging anyone but a good lesson to you Gemmie and to us girls.
As ladies let's learn to keep our legs closed till we say"I do"

Since the baby is now on the way,the road will not be easy especially since the baby will be biracial .
Research shows that the state of mind of a mother can affect the unborn baby adversely so try hardest to maintain your cool.
Wish you and the baby the very best.

If you are unable to raise it,adoption is a great alternative.
Aborton has its long lasting mental effects and I'm glad it's not an option for you.
You can do it !!!

one last thing,he does not represent most Nigerian men.
Majority of our men are loving husbands and responsible fathers.

Looks like you have a good head on your shoulder and you will be better off raising the child on your own. Just make sure you have contact information on the guy, should you need to reach him for one reason or another. As others have posted, he lied to you about all that stuff. I would also make sure his wife/family at least knows about it. Heck! You do not need him morally of financially, but you sure should not let him get away with it.

I'll come out straight here - back to the genesis.
why would 2 adults have sex without protection if they did not want a baby?
why didn't you use an oral contraception immediately after the act?
did he want the baby in the first place?
We cannot blame the guy too much for the pregnancy. You wanted the pregnancy. He did not.

Yeah, the guy is obviously lying about being disowned and banished from his village. For all we care, he could be lying about being married as well.

You cannot trust the guy now because he is obviously lying. He cannot trust you either because you went ahead to get pregnant for him without his consent. So, though it is irresponsible for a guy not to care for his baby, it's also naive that you expect him to accept responsibility for a decision he never made.

Take care of the baby. Try your best to keep in touch with the father. I have a feeling he will accept the baby eventually. Then you can start thinking of contacting his family etc. But if you go ahead now to contact his family, it's like you are trying to get back to him and report him to them etc. There are better ways of going about it.

Last Word - you are as much to blame and as he is. It's not fair for everyone to see him as the only guilty party here. We just need to be sincere about this. Best of luck.

@bioye uhmm i guess i did'nt think about that i agree wid wat u said.

@ topic take the advice and good luck

why does money have to come first before ur feelings.some men are just heartless.some dont even know how it is being with a kid.how sweet they are.how they call u dada.this man God help u.i am a man but not a stupid one.am a good Nigerian man and above all i've got Christ.just take heart girl and forge ahead.and a lesson to ya all ladies not everyman that says he loves u ya have to open ur legs for.some men are greedy ass who just want to satsify their sexual orge at the expense of someone else feelings.

wow wow wow @ harvey is dt a man talkin thanx 4 d advice
yep above all u got christ.

The richest man can av evrytin but if he hasn't got christ he is nothin.
Pc y'all

take heart.and move on with your life.you have done wrong but its not how many times you fall but how many times you rise again.

@ topic c ppl r givin u advice, anyways how u doin?

Gemmie

I am 35 years old, i have a university degree and a job. I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I am in a position both financially and emotionally to raise a child on my own. However, I don't want my child to not know who its father is. I want to be able to tell the child who its father is and the circumstances.

We are both living in Korea at the moment and have been dating for a year.

What is going to happen in the future if the child goes looking for his father. My boyfriend is indicating that if his family and wife found out then he would be left with nothing, no family, no money etc (completely ousted from his village). Is this really what can happen. In my county people get divorced, move on, stay together through problems etc. they family sticks by them and supports them. He is indicating that this is impossible.

Who cares about the future, you only been dating this man for a year and already you are pregnant, you should have been concerned with the future before you spread your legs unprotected from disease and un planned pregnancy. It seems like you are more concerned with your boy friend telling the truth about his family disowning him because of you.

He is lying to you and he never truly cared for you in the first place. He played you of of some over seas convenient sex. If you want to have the baby, more than likely you will be raising it on your own. It seems though that you are the type that will tolerate continuing a relationship with this man although he already has a wife and children, as long as he acknowledges his child with you.

It's seems like you are mostly concerned with him taking a chance with losing his family behind you and the one year relationship you guys had. That will never happen, he is not going sacrifice his wife and family of many years for you and your baby. If you have the baby, get ready to be on your own. I also suggest you stop seeing this man if you intend to have him to yourself.

The child is not Nigerian unless you raise him/her as a Nigerian. The child is better off being Korean. When the child comes of age, he/she will let you know whether he/she wants to know more about his/her sperm donor.

Seun is right and since you are incapable of raising a child as a Nigerian, the child cant be Nigerian. Let your child grow the way he/she wants to grow up.

You should have planned the pregnancy with him. I still find it hard to understand a one-sided pregnancy plan.