I don't want to go into too much detail here, but in short i'm in a pretty difficult situation right now. Any advice/input from a Nigerian male perspective would be very gratefully received.

I have a baby girl with a Nigerian man. We split up when i was pregnant after i found out he was already married. I tried to keep in contact with him throughout the pregnancy, invited him to scans, etc, but he just 'disappeared' off the face of the planet. I found out he had lied, and a whole other string of lies i won't bore anyone with the details either (and before anyone jumps on me, yes i too am not perfect by any means).

When my baby was born i sent him texts, etc but still didn't hear off him and he didn't appear interested in seeing her (and no i didn't send him crazy with hundreds of messages-- i'm talking about one per week or less). Since then however he did show more interest and suddenly decide he wanted to see her. He has now been see her for roughly one hour every 6 weeks or so. I encouraged him to do this as much as possible since i wanted him to have a relationship with his baby. However, every time he has been to see her he gets into arguements with me or my family and does not want to do much with his baby at all, but wants us to do things to assist his immigration, etc.

Here are my concerns:-

1. The baby cries around him. I think it may be because he is a big guy and we are all softly spoken, i'm not sure, but she is well socialised, goes to church with no problems, etc. Because of this he has told us the baby is demon possessed. This frightens me since i've heard bad stories relating to this-- any advice/info on how i can convince him otherwise?
2. Although its only every 6 weeks or so, when i do arrange a meeting with him he rarely turns up, and if he does he is 2 hours late. He says i am unreasonable to expect him to come on time. I know Nigerians have a laid back culture, but is this really acceptable and am i being unreasonable?
3. When i challenged him on point 2 above, he threatens me with court action,etc and says he will tell people i am abusing the baby. I guess what i'm trying to find out here is if his intention is to really have a relationship/see his child, or what, !? I always thought that Nigerians were quite family orientated, which is something i like about the Nigerian culture. If he is as interested in taking the baby away from me as he says he is then why is he not trying to visit her more often or at least turn up on time? Any help reconciling the thought processes of the average Nigerian man would be most helpful here!
4. Baby's name. He has become very upset and offended that the baby has my surname. Is this normal for Nigerians to be so offended at this? After the baby's birth i registered in my name because he wasn't around and hadn't spoken to him for many months. His name is on the birth certificate as the father of the baby but he keeps telling me that everyone (immigration included) thinks that the baby is my father's baby because the baby has my surname! I know for a fact immigration would not think this, what counts is that his name is on the birth certificate, and later on when the baby was a few months old we did go and get his name added as the father, so he has proof to show immigration. What i want to know is, is this really true that Nigerians feel this strongly?

Thanks for reading all this, any advice or information will be gratefully received, particularly if you have any advice on how to best handle relations moving forwards (i have a solicitor already but would be keen to assist him on a more 'friendly' level if possible, assuming he isn't going to set out to hurt my baby, opinions pls?!) Would also be extremely grateful if any nigerian could chat with me more personally via email, etc.
Thanks in advance for any help :-)

are you sure you want the man around that baby? He sounds like he needs deliverance.

Don't help him with anything immigration. let him find his way.
Stop! can you not live without him? why are you forcing the baby on him? Lady, take care of your child.
why should you be letting your baby see someone who claims the baby is evil and possessed? 
are you getting money from him? i think the baby and you'd better off without him, 

get a lawyer and keep him off. this is not abt nigeria culture.

*rolls eyes*

oro awon obinrin ti su mi.

@ poster

Please do not assist him with his immigration. He is not even trying to be a father but is actually making things harder for you.
I'm very sorry you have to go through his but please be strong for yourself and the baby. She does not need a father around that things so negatively and is not even trying to be involved in the little ones life!

thiefofhearts-- or anyone else, kindly translate- yes no matter how harsh whatever it is, i can take it - although it is of very little use if i do not understand what you are actually saying.

Yes i do stand up and take care of my baby, and i want to. I love her to bits and my concern is to protect her and move forwards whilst at the same time not inciting any extra troubles from the ex. My aim is only for a peaceful life. The best thing that can happen from my point of view is for him to disappear off the face of the planet.

No he doesn't contribute anything towards her. Actually he owes me money.

I am not assisting him with immigration at all. He is on his own with that and must fight his own battles. I think this may be why he is getting upset with me.

As i said, i just wanted to move forwards as peacefully as possible, whatever means that may be, but i am coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as subtleties and nicety about such matters in the Nigerian culture (although i do appreciate the frank and brutally honest aspect of the culture- if only the ex would be so honest and tell me exactly what he wants too!). Some of the replies here prove that to me, and i thank posters both good and bad for your replies. As much as i do want to be nice about things i am no pushover so will definitely fight my corner. I am seeing my solicitor on Thursday.

@poster
Were you married to the guy? (cos your choice of words hints otherwise)

The guy sounds irresponsible and personally I feel you should keep away from him. He seems to be on only about his own selfish interest and cares less about you or the baby. His behavior is not typical of Nigerian men, but rather of one that is selfish (and that has no cultural boundaries).
My advice is for you to keep him at arms length or farther.

We were not married. We were engaged and i wondered (stupidly perhaps) why he kept delaying marrying me,  found out later he was already married.

Just another player i guess,  *sighs*. Easy to get mixed up in when you are in love (or think you are).

I can now see reason why Nigerian Women abroad are scared of Nigerian Men. hmmm, Tragic!! Tragic!!

faakay:



I can now see reason why Nigerian Women abroad are scared of Nigerian Men. hmmm, Tragic!! Tragic!!

Na lie. No naija man will try that nonsense with a naija babe. Nigerian women are too smart to be outplayed that way. Yet, these people will say naija women are stupid. Just who is the stupid breed?

@poster,
it appears you are forcing the man to visit the child. I dont thinkt he guy ever wanted a child from you in the first place so you may need to re-consider what you expect from him.

Assuming he changed his mind and wanted to really be a good dad, some things such as the child's surname could play on his mind. I dont think I'd be happy to have a child who does not have my surname. . . when shall it become? i'm not saying this is what is making the guy the way he is but perhaps there are some things that are playing on his mind as well because what you described there is not normal.

*Hauwa*:

Don't help him with anything immigration. let him find his way.
Stop! can you not live without him? why are you forcing the baby on him? Lady, take care of your child.
why should you be letting your baby see someone who claims the baby is evil and possessed?
are you getting money from him? i think the baby and you'd better off without him,

get a lawyer and keep him off. this is not abt nigeria culture.

i agree with this.honestly,he does not seem to want the baby Yet.

I don't think this is a question of any one culture having dumber women or not. More likely it is the difference between cultures making it harder to distinguish the good from the bad perhaps (Naija women know the behaviour more of Naija men- i however can only guess/try to learn! I put you in another culture however and you may come across as "dumb"-especially when dealing with relationships). I would never say any Naija woman was stupid, i don't know why anyone would suggest that, the fact that you had to bring it up shows some issues there and i'm not surprised at all. The cultures and ideologies of each are indeed very different (note: 'different'- not 'better' or 'worse').

I'm not forcing him to visit the child at all. I wish he would go away infact, hehe. I don't know exactly what he wants, this is part of it. Either he wants to be involved in his kids life or he doesn't- that bit i'm having trouble figuring out and i can't get an answer to. The surname thing i just don't understand, a name is a name, if it bothers him and offends his culture that much i would consider changing it but if he is not interested at all and/or doesn't care then why should i? Culturally where i live it is very acceptable and the norm for the baby to have my surname, since i am alone with her. On the one hand i get the strong impression he doesn't want to know at all, yet on the other he is telling me he wants to go fight at court (if i tell him he has to make his mind up, either see her, or not- and go away) to get his parental rights. What gives?

@ Christine7

It is clear from your post that your child's father is a user of the highest  order.  I dont think that the problems you are citing have anything to do with his being a Nigerian man; but rather, deal with his being a user.  I would like to discuss a few points you brought up in your original post.

First, I would like to discuss one item that some posters have already discussed.  Some posters feel that you are "pushing" the man to be with the child.  I did not get that idea from your post.  In the USA, and I would guess the UK as well, the obligation to support the child is separate and apart from his seeing the child.  If you were to go to visit a solicitor regarding what steps to take with this child, the solicitor would be duty bound to advise you to seek financial support from the man.  I live in the USA and practice law here.  If a mother receives ANY assistance from the state to help meet her needs for the child (food supplements, health care, day care, etc.), the state WILL institute proceedings to get the man to pay child support.  It appears that this is not quite the case in Nigeria.  It seems like you can easily just walk away and choose to shut the man out of the child's life if he does not want to play a part.  Here, you can not unilateraly shut the man out of the child's life because the man has rights to this child.  The government already has been identified that the man is the father of the child.  It is highly likely that the government may at some point on its own seek support payments for the child.

Secondly, it appears that the man was not interested in the child despite your pregnancy and is not trying to establish a genuine father daughter relationship with this baby.  It also appears that the man is only trying to keep up with the baby so that he can have an opportunity to say to immigration that he should stay in the country because he has a child of tender years that needs him as a father.  I doubt if he wants any relationship with the child further than this.  Please don't fall for this trick.

As to the child not carrying the father's surname, I understand this totally.  The man did not keep up with the lady during pregnancy.  For all she knew, the man could have disappeared forever.  Though I support children having the name of the father, I can understand a woman deciding not to give the child the man's name when he is barely around.  Also, I understand why the man would want the child to have his surname.  In his mind, it bolster's the appearance that he is a doting and loving father to this child that will be lost without him staying in the UK.  I don't know about the UK, but if the guy REALLY wants the child to have his surname, in my state in the USA, the guy only needs to go to the health department with the mother and sign a form and the child's name will be legally changed.  I think it only costs $7.00.  This guy just  wants to have any excuse to keep the mother in terror.  Also, don't fall for his threats to "take the child" from you.  If he REALLY wanted to take the kid, he would be around more than he is.  Also, at least in the USA, no court would take a child from the mother when the father comes around for an hour every six weeks.  Keep your appointment with your solicitor.  He or she will be able to guide you in this area.


Now, all that being said, some will still argue that they dont see why this woman would even want the child to have any doings with the father.  I would advise her not to close the door on the guy.  It is his seed.  He may one day come around and see the error of his ways.  However, I would not advise her to open it too widely, either.  I would allow him to have a relationship with the kid on my terms.  He was allowed chances to see the child and was always late and does not stay long.  The child is upset by the guy's presence.  Until he could show he was genuinely interested, I would not push my kid on him too hard.  That being said, I would definitely have the child legitimated and recognized as this man's child in my country.  You never know if the guy will win the lottery or come into some money and subsequently die.  If you have the child legitimated, this conclusively establishes that the child is the man's heir. 

As to immigration, don't help him one bit.  I would not try to hinder his efforts but I would not help either.  That help is only for someone who is faithful and loyal to you. 

Finally, the guy sounds like a world class jerk and this has nothing to do with culture or land of origin or anything.  He is just an irresponsible loser.  Go forward with your live and loving your precious daughter.

Oh, also, don't worry about those who say we "foreign women" are dumb.  I am African American.  I know African American men like the back of my hand.  I have brothers, a father, uncles, friends who are all African American.  There are things they do that are like no other man.  I don't know Nigerian men as well.  I make no apologies for that.  I treat all men of whatever origin with a level of suspicion until they prove themselves to me.  Don't beat yourself up for errors you made.  Learn from them and move on.

Run like the wind the guy is a loser.

Dont call or text let him go. Children don't need losers in their lives.

@ poster -------> Girl, u wanna hear the truth, though its gonna hurt - your baby daddy is USING YOU AS A STEPPING STONE for his selfish purposes. He does not like you one bit, talkless of love, and as for that poor innocent baby, you need to take care of him/her. Girl, there is evidence all over
~ he does not wanna see the baby
~ Wasnt there when you went through pains
~ All of a sudden, he's upset the baby does not have his name and still has the guts to mention "its for imigration purposes"
~Did he give you a dime throughout your pregnancy? was he there for you?

Honey, you need to FORGET his azz and face your own life. your baby right now should be you main focus! you dont want that kinda man around your baby, who knows what he has in mind!! especially since you refused to involve yourself in anything immigration!! there are lots of single mothers out there who are doing good bringing up their kids alone. This is not the end of the road my dear. I am sure you'd meet another man who will love you and your child. Just focus 100% on that baby. As for the guy, let God judge but stay away from him as much as possible. If push comes to shove, involve the police and request a restraining order. You know you can actually ask for child support and if he refuses, its jail straight up!! but if you do that, you're giving him more room for communication and he'll keep on buggin you and who knows what else his heartless soul might do. He is your babys father i do understand it will be hard for you to take such a decision. But trust me, with God, everything is possible and in the future when your baby grows up, he/she can decide to look for him, but for now, stay away from him, HE IS BAD NEWS!!!

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