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I want to thank every fellows in this house for your invaluable advice u ve been rendering to all in this platform , i hope u should be able to guide me cox, i dont understd myself.
I finished my youth service and immediately got a job in lagos , the job's pay was not fantastic as a starter but will be in future if only i put in competence,years of service and self development. which i have been on. Although,i was happy with myself untill i met a girl who work in one of this commercial bank,we started dating, it was promising that her mother knew about it and ok it, the bad thing is that she place stress on my income all in the name of being caring, romantic and classy[/b], that i have to complain to her on how it affects my condition of living.

Furthermore, she starts comparing me with her fellow bankers and other rich guys in town since i retreated being spendiouus ,sometimes bring up some sort of behaviour which makes me unhappy and feel incapable as a man. However, i have called her to order , making her understd my goals matching it with my resources as a bases for my action and that if she love me she should bear with me afterall she is still working, but she is insisting that i change my job , since its not surviving us enough and that she has her set time and after which she may call off our relationship. i just can think well, is it that this girl love me or my job, i am just ok as a guy even when i saw some of her colleagues she brags with they re not trying as she claims . so what does she want from me?
[b]
As i write this post i want a ways to put her off quietly,cos we re in same church and i dont need quarrel, before she kills me and allow me loose my job. please advice me, but dont tell me to talk it over , i have tried and she in adamically adamant, probabily its her philosophy and i can change her , we belong to a different world of thought

hmmmmmmmmmmm, dont talk it over with her? ok then quit, stop calling texting n minimise d rate of visitin her home, dats i can say 4 now

She works yet she depends on you for her expenses? Are you crazy??
Good thing you stopped spending like a politician . . . If she's not ready to build with you then she should go look for a ready-made guy . . . a lady who aint ready to build with you men aint the kinda lady you need.

There's nothing hard in breaking up with your 'church-member' (once your mind's made up), call her over (not your house but an open place, garden preferrably), give her reasons and then call it quits even if she doesnt understand or keeps arguing plus if she has a key to your apartment olboy change the lock.

As i write this post i want a ways to put her off quietly,cos we re in same church and i dont need quarrel, before she kills me and allow me loose my job. please advice me, but dont tell me to talk it over , i have tried and she in adamically adamant, probabily its her philosophy and i can change her , we belong to a different world of thought


from ur post u are a wise guy
and a wise decission you have made
now wise up and discharge the theiving gold digging bitch quickly
before she put you in deep shit

she is after what she will gain from you. Dhe is suppose to be encouraging you and not comparing you, afterall, she doesnt know what tomorrow is. For crying out loud, she works so she should even help out. I dont buy the ideology of men doing the spending when the woman is capable of helping. As someone said already, if she cannot build a home with you, then let her go and find a ready made man,

Limit contact with her for a few weeks. if she truly loves u, she'll come by and stand by u. SHOW HER U'RE THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP, ND U CAN'T BE CONTROLLED BY HER WHININGS AND B@TCHING ATTITUDE TOWARDS UR JOB. I'm not saying she's doing bad by saying u shld get a better job, but if she's basing the relationship on money, i better u give her a Toss. SHOW HER U"VE GOT THE DRAWERS ON. and if she @tches out nd leaves, bone her. Na she go lose. There are so many nice ladies out there who won't give u hassles over ur low finances. at least there is a prospect of u earning more in the nearest future, non?

Hotstepper:

she is after what she will gain from you. Dhe is suppose to be encouraging you and not comparing you, afterall, she doesnt know what tomorrow is. For crying out loud, she works so she should even help out. I dont buy the ideology of men doing the spending when the woman is capable of helping. As someone said already, if she cannot build a home with you, then let her go and find a ready made man,

We are on the same page jare.


She wants an already made man. What nit wits like her don't seem to realise is that many rich and successul men/people were once in 'low' paid jobs etc before reaching their final position. Please, let her be, money causes many problems in marriages, but it's worse when one is too red eye and thinks it's a number 1 priority. Those rich people she's comparing you to can become poor overnight.

Reduce your communication with her, it pisses a lot of women off when men do that.

I am glad you don't wear the fucking pants in this relationship. Avoid her by all means possible.

If you run into her at church, a polite "hi" won't hurt. But after that keep it moving.

Let me put a different take or spin on this.

Dont we always holla that behind every good man stands a strong great woman?

Well could it be that she wants you to improve yourself because she loves you and sees the potential in you that you dont see in yourself.

Let me use my life as example:

When I met my ex husband we were in high school as we dated and moved along he was doing manual jobs, not paying much but after years of service and working very hard could pay off. Yet I saw the opp. for him to get some training that would triple his pay if he completed it. He thought very hard about it and thru convincing I was able to help him see that this would be better for our family (we were not married at the time). He took the training and completed and got his job. At the dinner we had to celebrate his new job the first thing he said was it was not for sistawoman's advice and strong will to push me I would have never made the change and would still be working twice as hard for 33% of the pay.

Maybe just maybe she wants to be that push behind you telling you that you can do better.

LOL oh please abeg sistawoman you and these tales gan paa paa.  One who wants to better you should not continually make you feel incapable as a man.  If I were to agree with your theory, then what he needs is encouragement, not putdowns or ultimatums for breakup.

C2H5OH:

LOL oh please abeg sistawoman you and these tales gan paa paa. One who wants to better you should not continually make you feel incapable as a man. If I were to agree with your theory, then what he needs is encouragement, not putdowns or ultimatums for breakup.

What he sees as put downs maybe her way of encouragement. We dont know both sides of the story.

And sometimes the only way to get you men to think is ultimatums. As long as she is ready to follow thru. Addtionally he may be misinterpeting her words as often is the case when men and women communcate.

Either you want a woman that will stand by her man and make him a better man or not.

You cant have it both ways.

Oh really?  Why does she feel the need to be mad at him for limiting his spending?   Comparisons to other rich men in the neighborhood? If my girlfriend gives me an ultimatum while I am working my ass off, I would be glad to break up with her.   Good ridance to rubbish. She hasn't shown the tendency to be understanding about the dude's plans. Instead she issues a deadline to walk out of his life.

I hear what you're saying sistawoman, because me too I've encouraged etc with exs and even friends in general, but comparing to other people and making him feel as if he's not as good as them, then I think that is where you need to draw the line. Don't really want my guy comparing me to some woman in his office about her success, money etc etc. Some people are just tactless. There are ways of encouraging people without making them feel 'a certain way'.  

But you have not heard her side of the story.

You cant tell me that there have been times in your r/s that you have not transferred your own insecurties to what your partner is saying, thereby changing the whole meaning of what they are trying to say.

I know I have.

For all we know this girl did not mean to compare him to anyone else but to say: So-and So did such and such and now they are making XYZ. She is not comparing but she is telling him that if he does such and such he too can make XYZ. But because he is afraid that someone with more money will snatch her, he is insecure about his own wallet what he hears is: So and so is making XYZ why arnt you.

I agree with what you are saying, don't get me wrong.  If indeed it's true what you are saying, she went about it the wrong way.  IMHO.
The dude has not complained about not having any peace of mind. Money helps but it would not suddenly alleviate other problems the relationship would face. Would she again issue another ultimatum and decide to walk out of his life?

sistawoman:

But you have not heard her side of the story.

You cant tell me that there have been times in your r/s that you have not transferred your own insecurties to what your partner is saying, thereby changing the whole meaning of what they are trying to say.

I know I have.

For all we know this girl did not mean to compare him to anyone else but to say: So-and So did such and such and now they are making XYZ. She is not comparing but she is telling him that if he does such and such he too can make XYZ. But because he is afraid that someone with more money will snatch her, he is insecure about his own wallet what he hears is: So and so is making XYZ why arnt you.

Yes I hear you. Very true.  

C2H5OH:

Oh really?  Why does she feel the need to be mad at him for limiting his spending?   Comparisons to other rich men in the neighborhood? If my girlfriend gives me an ultimatum while I am working my ass off, I would be glad to break up with her.   Good ridance to rubbish. She hasn't shown the tendency to be understanding about the dude's plans. Instead she issues a deadline to walk out of his life.

Your girl presents a good arguement and asks you to try a different route that will get you were you are going faster and you say good ridance to her.  Maybe she has a way that you dont have to work your ass but still make more money.  You say good ridance.

Well then you get what you deserve.

No woman wants to be with a man who is not using his full potential.  It will pull her down.

Secretz:

Yes I hear you. Very true.

It is very important that you hear and listen to what your partner says.

An exercise i learned in marriage counseling was to listen and hear your partner then repeat back to them: So what I hear you saying is thus and such. Thereby giving your partner the opp. to correct what you think you are hearing.

Men and women communicate differently and in two different languages.

sistawoman:

Your girl presents a good arguement and asks you to try a different route that will get you were you are going faster and you say good ridance to her.  Maybe she has a way that you dont have to work your ass but still make more money.  You say good ridance.

Well then you get what you deserve.

No woman wants to be with a man who is not using his full potential.  It will pull her down.

My girl has not presented a good argument.   She has mad me feel inferior to other men, even after I warned her.   I have a plan and am working to better myself with the resources I currently have available to me.  My job is not a dead end, it is only a means to a better future.  An understanding woman would reason with me and continue to encourage me to pursue my goals.   A girl looking for a quick fix (like the one mentioned above) would issue a red card and walk out of my life.
What way does she have that I don't have to work my ass off.  LOL?  Is she plucking money off a tree in her frontyard or something else of that nature?  Yeah right.

C2H5OH:

My girl has not presented a good argument. She has mad me feel inferior to other men, even after I warned her. I have a plan and am working to better myself with the resources I currently have available to me. My job is not a dead end, it is only a means to a better future. An understanding woman would reason with me and continue to encourage me to pursue my goals. A girl looking for a quick fix (like the one mentioned above) would issue a red card and walk out of my life.
What way does she have that I don't have to work my ass off. LOL? Is she plucking money off a tree in her frontyard or something else of that nature? Yeah right.

How do you really know what this girl has said to him?

How do you really know what inferences he has made off of her comments?

How do you really know that he heard and listened to what she said?

I showed my ex-husband a way to get to where he wanted to be at a much faster rate and not working so hard. It can be done.

So are we now pulling possible hypotheses out of our asses instead of giving advise based on the information we are given?

I have read the post and given advise accordingly.  If giving advise on this forum operates on your philosophy, we would be waiting many years for "other sides" of stories that would never appear.

Dude said "However, i have called her to order , making her understd my goals matching it with my resources as a bases for my action and that if she love me she should bear with me afterall she is still working"

We can ask him to elaborate, but until then . . .

Besides, he is not tying her ass down. I know plenty of women who are with men who don't utilize their full potential, so don't feed me that story.

If she is going to keep whining about him getting another job, then what has she done to help him find another job, other than comparing him to rich men or issuing heartbreaking ultimatums.

Hotstepper:

she is after what she will gain from you. Dhe is suppose to be encouraging you and not comparing you, afterall, she doesnt know what tomorrow is. For crying out loud, she works so she should even help out. I dont buy the ideology of men doing the spending when the woman is capable of helping. As someone said already,  if she cannot build a home with you, then let her go and find a ready made man,

Gbam

What I am asking him to do is to go back to his partner or sit and really think about what she said and what he may be inferring.

I am just asking him to look at from both sides and think that just maybe she is trying to get him to do better.

I am just explaining to him that women and men communicate differently.

Instead of walking away and giving up he may be turning his back on the best thing that happened to him.

And if that is not the case then move on.  But maybe there is someone else out there on the verge of what he is going thru that reads this and sets their ego to the side and really listens and hears what his woman is saying.

You have to admit that you have made the mistake of reading more into what your partner is saying to you at least once in your life.

C2H5OH:

Besides, he is not tying her ass down. I know plenty of women who are with men who don't utilize their full potential, so don't feed me that story.

If she is going to keep whining about him getting another job, then what has she done to help him find another job, other than comparing him to rich men or issuing heartbreaking ultimatums.

Then that dear is their dumbass. I wont be with a man not utilizing his full potential.

Why dont you ask the poster what she has done to help him do better? He did not volunteer that information in his original posting.

Like I said earlier, I'm not disagreeing with your advise.  Even if I give her the benefit of my doubt, I feel she went about it the wrong way.

sistawoman:

Then that dear is their dumbass. I wont be with a man not utilizing his full potential.

Why dont you ask the poster what she has done to help him do better? He did not volunteer that information in his original posting.

Ha ha ha don't be silly. You, dear, should know that even the smartest of people reason like dumbasses when stupid bodily chemicals get in the way. And who is to say someone is dumb or not dumb for choosing to be with someone she loves? I refuse to judge.

And my wild guess is that she hasn't exactly done much to help him do better. Unless issuing ultimatums and comparing me to yahoo-yahoo millionaires count as help? J/k

C2H5OH:

Like I said earlier, I'm not disagreeing with your advise.  Even if I give her the benefit of my doubt, I[b] feel she went about it the wrong way.[/b]

Yes she did, she shudnt have compared him with other people

C2H5OH:

Ha ha ha don't be silly. You, dear, should know that even the smartest of people reason like dumbasses when stupid bodily chemicals get in the way. And who is to say someone is dumb or not dumb for choosing to be with someone she loves? I refuse to judge.

Ok i take it back. I will say instead that choosing to do that is not for me.