God in heaven knows I can't even stay for holidays without finding what to do. To talk more of becoming a house wife. I reject.

bukatyne:
@Onegai:

I think you are mixing up who a SAHM mom is.

Going by your definition, Pastor Adeboye is a Stay @ home husband.

Nope. Volunteering is not a career option. If it was, there'd be training on it at a school. or voxational centre somewhere. It's something people decide to do for the good of their community.

See, I've met SAHMs who are improving their communities vastly (even doing things like basic Crossing guard for their local school), saving lives. Or developing a homeless shelter. And I've met career people who are doing the same. Neither is getting paid for it. Pastor Adeboye does get paid (all pastors do) for running a church. His church accountant gets paid for being a full-time church accountant. His choir members may not get paid and that's volunteering and last I checked, no-one wrote JAMB and filled in "RCCG choir member" as a course option (though seeing how people dey love their pastors here... )

I know a lady who used to volunteer at Motherless babies Maroko. Would you call her as having a job there because she went there to stay with the kids and keep them company daily? She wasn't getting paid for it. I know a lady who ran a small after school program in her house for her neighbours' kids (just come and read together rather than sit in front of a t.v. till parents get home). She wasn't getting paid for it. Is that considered a job now, will she be paying taxes for it?

Or do you assume I don't know what a WAHM is? I know several WAHMs and volunteering is not part of their calendar. Writing articles on the internet and submitting to a content site is a job. Because you get paid for it. Or do you work for free at your job?

Or is your definition of SAHM mean someone who sits at home and does absolutely nothing else or doesn't leave the house? The only women I know like that are some Northern women whom their husband's don't let them step out of their shanty homes.

(This is why I don't like speaking here... )

Mindfulness:
@onegai @cococandy @damiso

It is a very interesting topic and I have enjoyed reading your contributions.

You have touched upon the risk that a woman takes when she does not have her own source of income and I believe that it is important to be aware of the risk before one decides to stay at home. However, even in countries where women can rely on social welfare, many women choose to work when the child is about 2 or 3. So why - if not for social security?

Women have always been doing more than looking after their kids entirely and exclusively because they needed to, because they wanted to and because they intuitively knew when to let go step by step.

There is this modern day phenomenon called "helicopter parenting" and I believe that it makes many kids weird and socially awkward and I believe that it is also the result of over-protective parents who underestimate the importance of autonomy for a child's development.

As for me, I want to have it all! Why would I want to be at home 24/7 when everyone else leaves the house in the morning? It is very much about the money but it also is about fulfillment, recognition, success and fun, a lot of fun.

Is it not lazy to stay at home 24/7 when your kids are already in primary school? You don't have to work from 9-5 every day, what about a part-time arrangement?

I actually work full time at the moment with two children one not even yet in pry school so it's not like I keep defending stay at home mums because I am one(was for a while) . I would actually love to work part time (maybe will at some point if I find a job share ) but at the moment my role in my organisation needs a full time position. However I have the luck of having flexible working and work from home (at the worst possible scenario ) which might not necessarily be available to a lot of working people in Nigeria.

In the Nigerian context , stay at home mums are generally frowned upon because of the notion of 'not bringing in any money' I have been a stay at home mum and I was not idle.In short I was very busy, I actually got funding and on my own organised a small business forum. it was a sort of community outreach programme through my church and local authority and something I really enjoyed. I don't even have the time anymore

Every typical Nigerian around me including my own mother were always on my case 'to go back to work' and just look for a minder.that is because it was obvious all my 'activities' were not making me as much money as 'going to work' .My husband never complained to any of them but people kept 'imaginarily pitying him ' cos they felt he was paying all the bills (which he was for the big ticket items ) but they did not even stop to think that WE might actually have savings or even decided to take that option as a family.

Onegai has touched a lot on the issues I was talking about.like I always say when this topic has been rehashed and rehashed it's not a versus thing just do you. I also can't stand when some stay at home mums feel or judge working mums cos they feel they are there more for their kids. Let every parent try and do what is best for their children.

I had even made up my mind not to be commenting on these topics but i just can't help it when I start seeing the inference that ALL SAHMs are lazy or intellectually inferior.

Money is the common denominator in the Nigerian context and my hubby has had it implied that he was being lazy because he said he won't take a job that gives him little or no time to see his children.

damiso:


I actually work full time at the moment with two children one not even yet in pry school so it's not like I keep defending stay at home mums because I am one(was for a while) . I would actually love to work part time (maybe will at some point if I find a job share ) but at the moment my role in my organisation needs a full time position. However I have the luck of having flexible working and work from home (at the worst possible scenario ) which might not necessarily be available to a lot of working people in Nigeria.

In the Nigerian context , stay at home mums are generally frowned upon because of the notion of 'not bringing in any money' I have been a stay at home mum and I was not idle.In short I was very busy, I actually got funding and on my own organised a small business forum. it was a sort of community outreach programme through my church and local authority and something I really enjoyed. I don't even have the time anymore

Every typical Nigerian around me including my own mother were always on my case 'to go back to work' and just look for a minder.that is because it was obvious all my 'activities' were not making me as much money as 'going to work' .My husband never complained to any of them but people kept 'imaginarily pitying him ' cos they felt he was paying all the bills (which he was for the big ticket items ) but they did not even stop to think that WE might actually have savings or even decided to take that option as a family.

Onegai has touched a lot on the issues I was talking about.like I always say when this topic has been rehashed and rehashed it's not a versus thing just do you. I also can't stand when some stay at home mums feel or judge working mums cos they feel they are there more for their kids. Let every parent try and do what is best for their children.

I had even made up my mind not to be commenting on these topics but i just can't help it when I start seeing the inference that ALL SAHMs are lazy or intellectually inferior.

Money is the common denominator in the Nigerian context and my hubby has had it implied that he was being lazy because he said he won't take a job that gives him little or no time to see his children.

Thank you Damiso. Interesting read.

I think the problem lies with the definition as we obviously have different notions of what SAHMs do and this thread has clearly shown it.
I also think that we have different notions of mothers who work.

Obviously, not all SAHM are lazy (not that I have a problem with laziness anyway ) and not all working mums neglect their kids.
It is not only in the Nigerian context that SAHMs are frowned upon. I think it is worse in the West.

There are a lot of pros and cons on each side and everyone must choose the best option for themselves. I would never recommend any woman (e.g. my friend, daughter, sister) to stay at home entirely for a long period of time but that is just me and I have no difficulty respecting women who choose to do so.

Onegai:


Nope. Volunteering is not a career option. If it was, there'd be training on it at a school. or voxational centre somewhere. It's something people decide to do for the good of their community.

See, I've met SAHMs who are improving their communities vastly (even doing things like basic Crossing guard for their local school), saving lives. Or developing a homeless shelter. And I've met career people who are doing the same. Neither is getting paid for it. Pastor Adeboye does get paid (all pastors do) for running a church. His church accountant gets paid for being a full-time church accountant. His choir members may not get paid and that's volunteering and last I checked, no-one wrote JAMB and filled in "RCCG choir member" as a course option (though seeing how people dey love their pastors here... )

I know a lady who used to volunteer at Motherless babies Maroko. Would you call her as having a job there because she went there to stay with the kids and keep them company daily? She wasn't getting paid for it. I know a lady who ran a small after school program in her house for her neighbours' kids (just come and read together rather than sit in front of a t.v. till parents get home). She wasn't getting paid for it. Is that considered a job now, will she be paying taxes for it?

Or do you assume I don't know what a WAHM is? I know several WAHMs and volunteering is not part of their calendar. Writing articles on the internet and submitting to a content site is a job. Because you get paid for it. Or do you work for free at your job?

Or is your definition of SAHM mean someone who sits at home and does absolutely nothing else or doesn't leave the house? The only women I know like that are some Northern women whom their husband's don't let them step out of their shanty homes.

(This is why I don't like speaking here... )

It is a pity since we can all learn a lot from one another and challenge prevailing notions, which neglect the complexity of the topic.

You have done it quite nicely and - I believe - effectively. Brighten up.

byvan03:
If I hear the mention of 250 k for a month to stay home and be a house wife for my own kids,I will take the offer walahi. There is so much I can do with that 3milla per annum from my house. If being a house wife gets me paid, why not? the essence of my working is to earn money . How many jobs pay up to that in Nigeria?


I can't be a house wife for nothing, I do what pays. Let me get this offer and see why I won't tender resignation via text message instantly . Career with empty portfolio doesn't trip me , the sound of gallant credit alert on my phone does and if I can get that babysitting, why not

Some don't work for money. Some people get satisfaction from their careers.

GOD forbid that I end up as a housewife, even if I am being paid millions for that.

DollyParton1:
GOD forbid that I end up as a housewife, even if I am being paid millions for that.

Why would you not want to be a SAHM?

interesting topic and mature contributions
I am presently a SAHM ! ok 70 percent of the time
its hard and its going to continue this way for the next couple of years
it is my personal decision and am glad I made it.
it's true women go through shit!
but its not all bad for everybody
since my being SAHM, I have never have to ask my hubby for a dime because he knows what
we utililise and i get that plus extra for miscellenous spending
he trust me more than himself with finances because am usually practical and thorough.

Nairaland make SAHM sound like a wife goes cap in hand asking
for money from her man
that has never been the case for me at least!
and I am aware of bad cases.
My 2 kobo sha to any woman planing to SAHM
have a solid finanacial back up plan incase anything goes wrong.
Meanwhile byvan03 you got me rolling on the floor with laughter.


personally I have businesses that run successfully without me being there physically,

damiso:






Money is the common denominator in the Nigerian context and my hubby has had it implied that he was being lazy because he said he won't take a job that gives him little or no time to see his children.

you have said it all my sister

let family A do what works for them and family B do same.
no comparison at all!

raumdeuter:
^^ Did she calculate how much on free rent, free food, the car she drove and all the gifts she received from being the wife to return it back?

The child was for both of them and she had equal rights over the child not like she is a baby sitter or a surrogate

I am a woman and I find it funny when some women say that they gave the man a child.
They are both enjoying & will enjoy the child
I can understand in the early years it can be quite demanding looking after babies and toddlers and the mum may end up doing more in terms of care.
However it doesnt remain like that

My eldest son has grown into a handsome responsible young man and I am the one who gets the positive comments and pat on the back for bringing up such a well trained man especially in obodo oyibo as they all say.

When these kids get older, its usually mama that gets more gifts and time of the day than dad.
Even as wives when was the last time we bought something for FIL . . .its always the MIL

Go to MMA this morning and see the number of grandmas travelling to obodo oyibo curtsey their children compared to grandfathers.

I often feel sorry for fathers because many of them were so busy bringing money home and putting food on the table, they didn't manage to have relationships with their kids. . . .the same kids that we say we gave them

Regards the topic, there are a lot of factors that come into play
Things such as childcare costs, culture, the profession involved, flexibility of employers and a whole heap of other things all contribute to what is feasible at that point.

Ten years ago my employer did not encourage part time working or working from home.

Now the same employer encourages mobility, flexibility and working from home

Now in addition to 30 days holiday, employees can take up to 13 weeks unpaid holiday during a 5 year rolling period and work flexi time in all shapes and forms so anyone can choose to work any number of hours any on number of days a week.
So you see some people working 9 hour days for a 4 day week and you see some people working 20 hours spread over 5 days.

There is the option of selling and buying annual leave and can also take sabbatical leave.

Now many people work all sorts of hours to suit their personal circumstances.
Some people come in the morning, leave to pick up their kids from school and log back in when they get home so theu are home with their kids.

I've worked through both situations so I know how hard it can be as a mother when there is no flexibility and the only option is to stay at home until the kids start school at least. There was a point where all my wages went on childcare costs.

The organisation hasn't fallen down as a result of this flexibility and employers should be encouraged to look at ways of being flexible enough so that there is a decent work/life balance so that everyone is happy; kids, moms, dads, the employer and the society as a whole.

Happy mom=happy kids=well adjusted kids

Not everyone wants to own a boutique and some people really want to be out there in the corporate world but just aren't able to.

Mindfulness:


Thank you Damiso. Interesting read.

I think the problem lies with the definition as we obviously have different notions of what SAHMs do and this thread has clearly shown it.
I also think that we have different notions of mothers who work.

Obviously, not all SAHM are lazy (not that I have a problem with laziness anyway ) and not all working mums neglect their kids.
It is not only in the Nigerian context that SAHMs are frowned upon. I think it is worse in the West.

There are a lot of pros and cons on each side and everyone must choose the best option for themselves. I would never recommend any woman (e.g. my friend, daughter, sister) to stay at home entirely for a long period of time but that is just me and I have no difficulty respecting women who choose to do so.

You are right that there are pros and cons to both sides as with most things in life.its just up to you to decide what works best for you at any point in time .

Family life is very fluid and it's just trying to adjust and deal with the phases as they arise. I agree with you that the children won't be little forever and so it's a great idea to occupy ones self with other interests asides your children.

I love being occupied and can't cope with my only activities being just housework and childcare(and they are hardwork) however I won't deride those who dedicate themselves it it. I don't feel superior to them and i don't think they should feel superior to me.We are all just navigating this tricky world of being a parent as best as we both can.

Ur words are on point. You need not say more mam. U nailed it already.

Onegai:
Personal choice. I'm at home right now with a baby, but now that she's 6 months, I've started putting out feelers to connect back to work. It's not really the money per se (we're doing okay) but I would like to keep busy and work on some projects of mine.

I nigeria you need money for healthcare but that's it. There's a N5, 000 to feed everyone, she wept in humiliation and swore that she was never going to do this again. Now sometimes she's too busy to be there 100% for her children and her husband dare not complain (he's very remorseful now that he's reaping the bitter fruit of an immature decision).

usband). But here we are.

Ehn? Fulltime housewife me? My wife must have her own career and a good one at that. When no be baby making factory I wan marry

damiso:


I love being occupied and can't cope with my only activities being just housework and childcare(and they are hardwork) however I won't deride those who dedicate themselves it it. I don't feel superior to them and i don't think they should feel superior to me.We are all just navigating this tricky world of being a parent as best as we both can.

Simples. Why start saying that one way is the best way to parent? But in Nigeria, the same person that will shout "oh my wife cannot be banker, too long hours" will also scream "oh my wife is at home constantly watching Telemundo". I mean, how many boutiques must we open?? The whole Nigeria has become Boutique-land because of not allowing people be free to make choices.

Now it's opening a creche/daycare centre that is in fashion, never mind that the wife you're pushing to do so may totally hate being around 20 screaming kids daily (and will give them cough syrup to shut it). Why not as a family agree to allow her work full-time or agree to allow her mind her home and be at peace with either decision?

Onegai:


Story. Helicopter Parenting has little to do with a Stay At Home Parent and more to do with parents with a sense of entitlement. Come to the island (Lagos), you'll see many of them. Babies not walking because nanny is carrying them, children who can't go to Balogun market and refuse to find out how unless driver takes them. Kids who can't make a decision. Half their parents are too busy "having it all" to actually realise "hey, maybe my 17 year old daughter shouldn't be having a curfew of 12 mid night and dating a 25 year old man".

And these lofty goals of Career this and that. Let's be real biko, how successful is your career? All the projects I talked about, if I execute even half, you'll be sitting in your offices reading about me.

Oh the irony.

I love Shonda Rhimes, to quote her "to be the most successful black television executive means that sometimes I can't get home to read my daughter a goodnight story".

If you want a career, go for it. If you want to stay at home, go for it. Neither should demonize the other.

Onegai:

Nope. Volunteering is not a career option. If it was, there'd be training on it at a school. or voxational centre somewhere. It's something people decide to do for the good of their community.
See, I've met SAHMs who are improving their communities vastly (even doing things like basic Crossing guard for their local school), saving lives. Or developing a homeless shelter. And I've met career people who are doing the same. Neither is getting paid for it. Pastor Adeboye does get paid (all pastors do) for running a church. His church accountant gets paid for being a full-time church accountant. His choir members may not get paid and that's volunteering and last I checked, no-one wrote JAMB and filled in "RCCG choir member" as a course option (though seeing how people dey love their pastors here... )
I know a lady who used to volunteer at Motherless babies Maroko. Would you call her as having a job there because she went there to stay with the kids and keep them company daily? She wasn't getting paid for it. I know a lady who ran a small after school program in her house for her neighbours' kids (just come and read together rather than sit in front of a t.v. till parents get home). She wasn't getting paid for it. Is that considered a job now, will she be paying taxes for it?
Or do you assume I don't know what a WAHM is? I know several WAHMs and volunteering is not part of their calendar. Writing articles on the internet and submitting to a content site is a job. Because you get paid for it. Or do you work for free at your job?
Or is your definition of SAHM mean someone who sits at home and does absolutely nothing else or doesn't leave the house? The only women I know like that are some Northern women whom their husband's don't let them step out of their shanty homes.
(This is why I don't like speaking here... )

After reading this,I don't have to say more. You captured every point.
Thank you.

I will always thank my mother who left everything to take care of us but I don't wish to be in her shoes because is not easy. When your mate are making it big time your in the house taking care of children, abeg I no go fit o. I need to go out there, work and make money. I pray God gives me an understanding husband.

Can I just point out that you can be a STAH abi wetin u dey call it and still be making some money on the side.

People should do what works for them and their families.
Some familiys are even doing well with the husband being the stay at home parent.
Each familys situation is different and so the couple should look at all the options and choose what is best for them

My only concern is the the Nigerian woman who is married to an irresponsible unstable man who can wake up one morning and tell her to "get out" and lock his gate or a woman that has bad inlaws who will grab everything if in the unfortunate event that the man suddenly dies.
Needless to say one cant really know how these people react until the death of the man so in many cases the grabbing inlaws would have come as a shock even to the wife and children.

Concern is also for the Nigerian woman in Nigeria who is dependent on a man who himself is dependent on the shaky economic environment and the lack if job stability and no welfare state to pick up suddenly unemployed breadwinners.
its on nollywood that ships capsize at sea every week, but it is a true reflection of how unstable bank balances and the opportunity to make wealth can be.

Onegai you like flowers abi . . . lets talk jare
I guess you know your tea from your floribunda roses

Eliba:
I will always thank my mother who left everything to take care of us but I don't wish to be in her shoes because is not easy. When your mate are making it big time your in the house taking care of children, abeg I no go fit o . I need to go out there, work and make money. I pray God gives me an understanding husband.

How old are you?

What do you really want to become? A wife? A mother? or a bae?

I never knew we have women who detest taking care of children. Nawao

Acidosis:


How old are you?

What do you really want to become? A wife? A mother? or a bae?

I never knew we have women who detest taking care of children. Nawao

I didn't say I detest taking care of children. I love children, I love babies but how about those career women don't they have babies too?. It's just all about managing the two together not staying at home every time in the name of housewife

For me, I think the husband and wife should work out the best option for the family, there must be understanding, consideration and sacrifice. Marriage is two people working to become one, everything the man owns belong to the wife and vice-versa, so they work out the best option, what I think is not just right is for someone to just sit at home and not just do something, every man out there ought to support his wife, women should get busy but also should remember the home front which is more of their responsibility. I personally would not want a wife that will be to carrier oriented at the expense of my home, flexible work pattern that will allow time for children should be ideal. I don't want to be climbing up ladder and my wife is down there. We must climb together in all ramification, I seem to enjoy my eastern bros style where they open business and run it with their wives.

Eliba:
I didn't say I detest taking care of children. I love children, I love babies but how about those career women don't they have babies too?. It's just all about managing the two together not staying at home every time in the name of housewife

Oh okay, I get your points...

Humans only have 3 things to manage in life:

1. Job/Business Issues
2. Family Issues
3. Personal Issues (e.g. health, faith)


Whoever can manage 2 or ALL efficiently and effectively will certainly live a satisfactory life. - Motivational theorists

Acidosis:


Oh okay, I get your points...

Humans only have 3 things to manage in life:

1. Job/Business Issues
2. Family Issues
3. Personal Issues (e.g. health, faith)


Whoever can manage 2 or ALL efficiently and effectively will certainly live a satisfactory life. - Motivational theorists

which do you want housewife or a career woman?

Eliba:
which do you want housewife or a career woman?

Acidosis definitely wants a housewife..
That we call Alabodo in Yoruba language

Eliba:
which do you want housewife or a career woman?

I want a WIFE who can legally turn N10 into N100, either with her certificate or her entrepreneurial prowess.

quivah:

Acidosis definitely wants a housewife..
That we call Alabodo in Yoruba language

that means he is really a local man

quivah:
Acidosis definitely wants a housewife.. That we call Alabodo in Yoruba language

ahahaha!

Acidosis:


I want a WIFE who can legally turn N10 into N100, either with her certificate or her entrepreneurial prowess.

hope you won't be stingy with ur wife in terms of cash and expect her to do miracles with #10.

Eliba:
hope you won't be stingy with ur wife in terms of cash and expect her to do miracles with #10.

Very funny


Can you do miracles with N10?

Acidosis:

Very funny


Can you do miracles with N10?

is funny o but most men do it o

tearoses:


Onegai you like flowers abi . . . lets talk jare
I guess you know your tea from your floribunda roses

YOU SEE HOW DEM DEY SPOIL OUR ECONOMY!! Has Hibiscus finished growing that you want to import Roses into we country??

Yeah I do. I'm not good with the different Roses though (I tried growing white ones here in Lagos and they won't take). But I love tropical flowers like Frangipani Plumeria, Ixora, Bougainvillea, Neroli, Bird of Paradise and Coxcombs (and they all grow locally). I wish I could get seeds from India, Malaysia and Hawaii for tropical flowers. I'd love to see florists sell bouquets and centre pieces using our local stuff.

I'm trying to identity this flower, I was told it's a Ginger flower but it looks different from the ones I have seen online. May I show you please?

Also, take a picture of your flowers, I suspect you're Orchid lover