This is probably not what you want to hear but bro, you are also the problem. You can blame your wife all you want, but you need to look inward too.
Your relationship lacks serious compromise. You are two different people - she wants you to be like her and you want her to be just like you. The very thing that you hate is the very same thing that you are doing. I know you think what you want is what's good for the family, and guess what, she thinks what she wants is whats good for the family. Getting my drift. Talk about it, and compromise. Find a middle ground.

And when you talk about it, be sure not to let the conversation go out of hand. It's very easy to let emotions override things and turn it into a fight.

Dude, show your wife some love too. Go read up on the five love languages (its a short read) and figure out what how your wife likes to receive love and what she appreciates. Then show it to her the way she understands.Bro, I must tell you, I know you are not perfect and all, but following your posts, you don't seem to have been a good husband to her in all. And NEVER EVER hit your wife please. Your role as protector does not include physical abuse. When your wife feels you love her, her attitude towards you will be more understanding of your needs. She doesn't feel it at the moment. That's why she will suggest her getting three kids and going her way. It just means you have failed as husband. So first of all, look within yourself and try to win your wife's love back. It will take time, but its what you need to do.

An advice ....In a marriage, Men are supposed to take care of the big things while women take care of the little things. So let the men worry about big things like bringing home the bacon, world famine, political solutions to the country's quagmire, and let the woman take care of the little things like running the household. A happy wife is a happy home. You like to be in control of things, but let your wife run the house and stop invading her perceived role.

Your wife's feelings and needs are just as valid as yours. I have seen marriages turn around positively so I know its possible.May God guide you.

A few questions before I comment.

1.what is it that she does that you deem as disrespectful? Remember you are from two different cultures. Respect is a cultural thing. So unless you state what she is doing, then we really have no way to give objective input.

2. Love isn't all about you. If a woman truly loves you, she will challenge you, challenge your thinking, challenge your outlook etc. A loving wife if sometimes the biggest most valuable critic that you have. Your success or failure effects her. She will not tell you what you want to hear for the sake of keeping you happy. If that is what you want, then you do not want a wife at all.

deniyor:
This is probably not what you want to hear but bro, you are also the problem. You can blame your wife all you want, but you need to look inward too.
Your relationship lacks serious compromise. You are two different people - she wants you to be like her and you want her to be just like you. The very thing that you hate is the very same thing that you are doing. I know you think what you want is what's good for the family, and guess what, she thinks what she wants is whats good for the family. Getting my drift. Talk about it, and compromise. Find a middle ground.

And when you talk about it, be sure not to let the conversation go out of hand. It's very easy to let emotions override things and turn it into a fight.

Dude, show your wife some love too. Go read up on the five love languages (its a short read) and figure out what how your wife likes to receive love and what she appreciates. Then show it to her the way she understands.Bro, I must tell you, I know you are not perfect and all, but following your posts, you don't seem to have been a good husband to her in all. And NEVER EVER hit your wife please. Your role as protector does not include physical abuse. When your wife feels you love her, her attitude towards you will be more understanding of your needs. She doesn't feel it at the moment. That's why she will suggest her getting three kids and going her way. It just means you have failed as husband. So first of all, look within yourself and try to win your wife's love back. It will take time, but its what you need to do.

An advice ....In a marriage, Men are supposed to take care of the big things while women take care of the little things. So let the men worry about big things like bringing home the bacon, world famine, political solutions to the country's quagmire, and let the woman take care of the little things like running the household. A happy wife is a happy home. You like to be in control of things, but let your wife run the house and stop invading her perceived role.

Your wife's feelings and needs are just as valid as yours. I have seen marriages turn around positively so I know its possible.May God guide you.

My God, this is one of the best posts I have ever seen on Nairaland!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mindfulness:


Typical case of two people trying to change each other as it suits them. This is what they have in common. If they spent the same amount of time appreciating, encouraging and supporting each other as they spend on finding fault with each other, their problems would dissolve.

Wonderful comment.

freshvine:
Never marry an opinionated woman except you've the clout to control her.

The clout may include :

Strong Personality
Wealth
Social Status
An intimidating educational qualifications like a lawyer etc...

Back to you Mr. Cross bearer,

I know you may not be any of the listed above but you should try to build on STRONG PERSONALITY to be able to exert influence on your marriage and be the HEAD of it.

DO NOT HIT HER AGAIN!!!

For every fight you get in with her, she leverage out on her atrocities.

Women are very smart and knows how to play the game of control more than men. While men are busy hustling, women simply use the time to study their men!

Now, it is up to you to "surprise" her from being a predictable man to the unpredictable. Do a reverse psychology.

STOP TALKING and STOP negotiating for PEACE!!! The more people you invite to intervene, the more she is satisfied with her power.

Put on the armor of STALIN, the face of ABACHA, and the unforgiving spirit of BUHARI. Laugh when necessary and only say a few words. Kill romance and treat her as non existent.... Few months let say 6 months she'll notice the change, a year she start complaining and fighting back (please at this juncture don't allow her to manipulate you with whichever antics she employs). Finally, if she acknowledge you'd remain unruffled, she'll slide and begin to think and for the very first time how she got things messed up.

She'll then pray to have her marriage back... give her and you'd successfully subdued her. Henceforth every action she takes, she weighs the prospects.

This is a long term approach except you want her to still be in charge and I bet you with the power she has now, any challenge on family finance she'll divorce you.

ma, i cannot ignore ur post. i guess i have to file it in my archive.

u are really a dream to live and a gem that can be found only in the deepest of ocean. i never knew a lady can be capable of such intelligence(no offense intended) and seeing in more than 3D. i just wish i can get closer to u and learn more from the source of this overflowing well.

@op i know i am not qualify to say anything but this quote is the best advice.

Be indifference and show less concern. don't overwork urself trying to create a perfect home because even the world is not perfect.

For us who are planning to get married,it's an eye opener. Anyway, get a proffessional relationship expert or someone she respects to talk to her. But truth is when you miss it in marriage you have missed it in life. God help you.

liefdesverhaal:
I am scared of starting a new family after 2 kids with two different women. How do I make this woman to see life from my angle (I am willing for concession)?

Why must you have a new family?
You can be single, hire male/female house-help to do your domestic chores and, if necessary, have a girlfriend who does not want to have children because she has hers already? Two kids from two different women is enough hassle already. Moreover your current wife may think she DESERVES a premium for being married to you despite your extra luggage (child out of wedlock).
It is not as if you do not have viable options outside of marriage bro.
There is something called incompatibility leading to separation etc.

I thought you discussed already and she was adamant that it was either her way or the highway, so seeing life from your angle is already ruled out by her and apparently you made concessions already, not so?
How a woman can make herself a barrier to legitimate ambitions of her husband beats me hollow. Ambitions that will lead to higher household income in the near future apart from a greater quality of life from improved knowledge acquired from the education.

Really it beats me why women that are suppose to be our helpers becomes our destroyers...You treat them well they see you as a weak man.....

Now am scared after reading all these. God help us and the poster.

deniyor:
This is probably not what you want to hear but bro, you are also the problem. You can blame your wife all you want, but you need to look inward too.
Your relationship lacks serious compromise. You are two different people - she wants you to be like her and you want her to be just like you. The very thing that you hate is the very same thing that you are doing. I know you think what you want is what's good for the family, and guess what, she thinks what she wants is whats good for the family. Getting my drift. Talk about it, and compromise. Find a middle ground.

And when you talk about it, be sure not to let the conversation go out of hand. It's very easy to let emotions override things and turn it into a fight.

Dude, show your wife some love too. Go read up on the five love languages (its a short read) and figure out what how your wife likes to receive love and what she appreciates. Then show it to her the way she understands.Bro, I must tell you, I know you are not perfect and all, but following your posts, you don't seem to have been a good husband to her in all. And NEVER EVER hit your wife please. Your role as protector does not include physical abuse. When your wife feels you love her, her attitude towards you will be more understanding of your needs. She doesn't feel it at the moment. That's why she will suggest her getting three kids and going her way. It just means you have failed as husband. So first of all, look within yourself and try to win your wife's love back. It will take time, but its what you need to do.

An advice ....In a marriage, Men are supposed to take care of the big things while women take care of the little things. So let the men worry about big things like bringing home the bacon, world famine, political solutions to the country's quagmire, and let the woman take care of the little things like running the household. A happy wife is a happy home. You like to be in control of things, but let your wife run the house and stop invading her perceived role.

Your wife's feelings and needs are just as valid as yours. I have seen marriages turn around positively so I know its possible.May God guide you.

thought i have seen it all.

this is the H-bomb that sends the thread into oblivion

liefdesverhaal:
I saw some of this threat early(Three months later) but by then she was pregnant. I was worried but family and friends advice that things will be better after the delivery and marriage and I was not ready to have another child out of wedlock.

Bro, you need to learn to drive with caution as in wear socks before you put feet inside your shoes.
(Unwanted?) pregnancy twice out of wedlock doesn't look good oh.

Mr of thirty... lol you are just selfish...you need to consider you have two kids already, you need self discipline and hang your dick. Because with your attribute no woman will please you. So Get it right, you've o got married to a good woman, set your poirity right. Everything will be fine. Stop adultre if you truly you do proper thing marriage

Reading your story seems to be like you are writing about my life....its pretty hard these days to be a good dedicated and devoted husband. Our women have evolved so much that they dont even know when they have a good man. Atimes I think its about self preservation but its just very difficult. Women now want to be equal in authority but not responsibility. For me its pure emotional abuse. My advice for you to put ur thoughts in writing and send it to her by email make her know excatly how you feel and the impact her approach to family is having on your person. Draft up a solid plan for your self improvement and budget well for the coat and impact on your family. See if you lose your income today she will treat you even worse. Take charge, take control of your home without been selfish of abusive...she will fight scream and kick but if you stand your ground she will calm down. Please dont leave prayer out bto. All d best!

One of my uncles have a wife that used to behave like yours. Although my family knew the wife was not good but we never interferred until the man brought the issue to the family. My family cautioned her several times, but it all fell on deaf ears. So one xmas, in the villa, my uncle brought another issue again, and the family collectively decided to send her packing next thing early morning before the children wakes up. So that morning, the elders in my family, woke her up and broke the news to her and asked her to hurry. Mehn, come see begging, come see crying, come see ''i swear i no go do am again'. The elders with their microscopic eyes saw she was truely remorseful, and backed down. This incident happened in 2012, but till now nobody heard any complain again from my uncle, and my family as well saw the change, no be apc change o.
So mr op, if your family is coordinated enough, you can borrow a leaf from my story, or you take your wife to go see a professional marriage counselor.

hmm I understand how you feel ( the white man love idea of a thing) for me my advice to you is pray for God to intervene in your situation, that the mistake many of us make you look for human solution not God solution ,am not saying wisdom should not be use by scking advice but fact is u cant divorce her den go on your kneels and tl God to touch her heart since you bit religious it may take time but have faith all the character you dont anymore tl baba to remove it out of her

There's something she's saying that you're not listening to. Until you're able to figure that out, nothing will change. You guys need to seek professional help. You really need to listen.

Dyt:



Oh
I must have hit the nerve behind your neck
Sorry oooo


Pls keep praying and fasting
God will change her for better

A troubled soul needed help and u tink d best u cud do is to giv him headache? Hope its not guilty conscience that's making write all this rubbish. My instinct tells me dat u ve dsame behavior wit his troublesome wife.

I met a girl exactly with the same attitude like your wife in my university days. A free spirit, ready to go out on a date with just any guy but no serious attachment. She's pretty, every guy that set their eyes on her want to have a taste. She's very outgoing, she could call me today that she's already in abuja. Tomoro she may be in south Africa. Next tomoro, she will be in Lagos.

She's very good at insulting other galz she sees passing by that she deem not well dressed. If you are walking the way she doesn't like she will insult you. She knows a guy that is dirty and the ones that are clean even though they are well dressed. She is very picky; she knows the kinda man she wants (obviously not me), ask her how she wants her man to look like, she will give you full data even up to the kinda toe nails he must have before she can accepted him as husband.

She is clean in every sense of the word. Clean girl, I swear you would want to die there. There was a particular time we were together, this guy couldn't take his eyes of her, he had to pretend like they knew each when he approached us, telling her that he lost her number and he came to get it back. You know what? She played along. That's how free spirited she is. I wasn't her bf then, and she had no real relationship because she was dangerously picky. You know guys now, they just want to Bleep her, but she thinks is because she's hot they all chase her about everyday.

Before this gets too long, I must add, she's a kind person, compassionate... Unfortunately, she has a shallow view of life, marriage and everything that really matters in life.

I tried making her see things more deeply. But instead of her listening to me she was calling me a pastor. Like very few guys out there, I wanted her for keeps, I wanted to see if she would at least see where I am coming from on the aspect of marriage and life, but she wouldn't have any of that. I wanted her for myself but she's a wild tiger that can't be tamed. I fell madly in love for this friend but I was good at not showing it. I wasn't ready to be counted as one of the numerous guys that fell for her and she rejected, they are all in her record book. I made sure of that.

Now, is she that kinda gal I wanna spend the rest of my life with? A big YES! But if you are the kind that thinks very deep and you want a peeaceful marriage and life, your answer would be capital NO! That kinda girl is only good for outings and beddings.

OP, I am sorry to tell you, your wife cannot and will not change. You have to compromise a lot if you want a peaceful marriage. In fact, maybe you need to be taking orders from her so that your marriage will last.

Their type don't prerend and can't hide their true colors. Didn't you see her attitude before marrying her? Didn't you guys have discussions before marriage? Didn't you test her on some things to see her reaction? Didn't you, thru your dialogue with her, know her thoughts about life and marriage before getting married to her

Don't try to change her, things could get worse.

Dyt:








Let the drum keep beating

Madam what is funny in your act, some situations require seriousness please. So stop the childish act. I believe you are more mature than that.

Thanks.

.

Dyt:



Forgive me but this is funny
Sorry



Smh

Are you a retard ? People like you need to be screened mentally before being allowed on nairaland, a man is sharing problems that could break his home, and you are here making jokes out of it. Karma is a biiitch tho

Mindfulness:


So she is not a demon after all? I thought there was nothing to be appreciated about her.

My dear, if you have such traits as OP's wife, please change before you regret it. And while at that, stop supporting Rubbish.

Gracias

After you carry any street girl give belle, you go con dey run up and down say she dey misbehave. You no court person pass three months, you don already impregnate her. I believe the girl doesn't even belong to a good family

In those climes, they have turned men to weaklings with their stupid laws. And the women are making 'good' use of this laws.

raumdeuter:
OP

As much as it might hurt you, Its either you take a strong stand, be more authoritative or leave the situation aka walk out completely

1. Some women have daddy issues in their life. And they react better to taking orders. They prefer to be lesser partners instead of equal partners. Your quest to make them equal partners would make them see you as weak. Since she is that type, I think you might need to be more authoritative. If you were in Nigeria this would be the right option

2. Given where you live, this option is the best. Simply walk out and leave. Why? because she would get you into trouble one day and big time trouble I mean.

I have seen this situation before in the life of a friend living in the US. the lady is exactly like your wife, she loves the life.. She likes to party, buy jewelry, she likes to fight in public, she has a crew of her party friends who party 3 times per weekend even all night atimes leaving the baby with a sitter all night or simply having the guy babysit at night. While the guy is someone who sits in the office trying to figure things out.

She also had a rough upbringing being tossed to one relative or the other, actually her mom was married 3 times and currently the mom isnt married, She usually mocks the guy as people from "Mr and Mrs" household

My friend once told her to lets start a savings scheme for their child, saying they should contribute to a fixed deposit and whatever she puts per month he would double it. She refused saying "The baby is an American, America would take care of him". For the baby's first birthday the guy suggested Disney vacation, she preferred a loud all night naija party. obviously she had her way when she turned it into a big fight

You would ask how did they marry without dating, well like your case she got pregnant. And later she told the guy that at a certain age when the guy doesnt propose, the girl too can "propose" aka get pregnant

Where are they today? they are long separated. Separated by the police after she has called 9-1-1 multiple times. She believes in the getting physical part.

The last confrontation the guy comes back from work she locks his shirt, he gets away from the grip takes his laptop to go upstairs she too the laptop and smashed it. the guy slapped her, she called the cops. 10mins later he is in handcuffs

It was the mercy of God that made the guy go free without a record(because he met a Hispanic officer who had been in a similar relationship before) but with a condition that he mustn't come 2miles anywhere of where she is

My prayer is that you don't loose that job, then you ll be surprised all these are just tips of the iceberg. You are with the " wrong " lady. She sees life differently, I am not sure anything you do can change that except she experiences something personal. Just take the risk you feel will be beneficial to you in the end

liefdesverhaal:


Once again, I am not asking for a validation from you. I shared a troubling heart in anonymous forum. I came here to seek other people opinion from their experiences and ways they deal with it.

And I specifically said before I am "infallible" hence the reason I came here for suggestion on the ways I can make it better.

She has her own concerns too but I am pointing the very basic that needs to be adjusted for us to have a functional home.

The marriage has started already and the most difficult thing to do in life is to delve into a marriage hoping the other spouse will change. You have made the grave mistake of marrying her because she was pregnant. I have no right to judge u, but if I have to, there are lots of issues to address. Firstly, since u have tried all you could and nothing seems to work ,why not try bring quiet about a lot of things. sometimes you stay on your own, take decisions and don't involve her, then see how she reacts. Am married and I know how it hurts if I find out my hubby bought something without discussing it with me. She might be different though but try it. Avoid third party in your marriage and above all, always prayer together as a family.

The truth is I am a very religious person but
Did you say you're very religious? Na na I doubt..... All your action prove otherwise. Meanwhile the scriptures provides principles to follow in any relationship.

Good morning. The truth of this whole thing is that you only have control of one person which is yourself, you cannot have control over the way she sees life but you can only swing her thoughts a bit through generosity.
To over come this problem man you have to rescript your mind about her. Try to look at her from another perspective, she might not be bad as though you assumed her to be. Change your mentality about her and be patient with her.
Remember patience says to her children ''what is hot will get cold''.

RiloKiley:
Hehe bro, was about opening a thread with a kind of similar topic. Guessed u beat me to it.
What happens when u find yourself inna situation where u and your spouse don't see eye to eye on long term situations. Its easy for those who have never been in these shoes to say "you should have discussed this during courtship" bla bla , but the truth is life is not black and white. When you are in a relationship in which u like this person and you feel it can lead to marriage you start closing eye to a lot of things. Even your own friends will advice you that you can't find the exact perfect person. You look at the matter wholistically and decide that you can live with the little flaws the lady or guy is exhibiting and then you go ahead and marry only to find out that after the euphoria of marriage the flaws become even more glaring and life threatening.

I stated in a previous thread that my wife is lacking in the gratitude department. Saying thanks for a help rendered is a very big thing in my family. We show gratitude a lot. Wifey's family, not so much. For someone who grew up with this habit it irritates me no end when she doesn't acknowledge the help I give her. I have tried stopping any assistance but I honestly don't have the heart to see her suffer.
So I endure.
A friend of mine cannot spend a day out of his house. His wife will raise hell and highwater. But his business requires him to travel a lot. In fact he hasnt been promoted in the last one year cos he has been unable to meet the target set by his company. His wife would rather the family remain stagnant than for him to spend a weekend outside.
Another one is having similar issues as you. His wife would rather buy the most expensive clothes and jewelry than allow the house suffer small so he can build their house. It had always been his dream to move into his own house by the age of 40. Doesn't seem like its going to happen anytime soon.

What happens when u find yourself in a marriage with someone who cannot identify with your feelings about what marriage should be about? Someone who cannot encourage you in your long term goals?

@tearoses I enjoy your contributions in issues like this. Pls don't be offended that am calling u out again. Also tv01 or is it TV001 . Abeg contribute.

Oga based on experience, I know that the only thing that would work in this situation is for the man to stand the heat from his wife and focus on what he is doing. Don't tell her what you plan to do, just do it. Stop being weak.

Good morning. The truth of this whole thing is that you only have control of one person which is yourself, you cannot have control over the way she sees life but you can only swing her thoughts a bit through generosity.
To over come this problem man you have to rescript your mind set about her. Try to look at her from another perspective, she might not be bad as though you assumed her to be. Change your mentality about her and be patient with her.
Remember patience says to her children ''what is hot will get cold''.

freshvine:
Never marry an opinionated woman except you've the clout to control her.

The clout may include :

Strong Personality
Wealth
Social Status
An intimidating educational qualifications like a lawyer etc...

Back to you Mr. Cross bearer,

I know you may not be any of the listed above but you should try to build on STRONG PERSONALITY to be able to exert influence on your marriage and be the HEAD of it.

DO NOT HIT HER AGAIN!!!

For every fight you get in with her, she leverage out on her atrocities.

Women are very smart and knows how to play the game of control more than men. While men are busy hustling, women simply use the time to study their men!

Now, it is up to you to "surprise" her from being a predictable man to the unpredictable. Do a reverse psychology.

STOP TALKING and STOP negotiating for PEACE!!! The more people you invite to intervene, the more she is satisfied with her power.

Put on the armor of STALIN, the face of ABACHA, and the unforgiving spirit of BUHARI. Laugh when necessary and only say a few words. Kill romance and treat her as non existent.... Few months let say 6 months she'll notice the change, a year she start complaining and fighting back (please at this juncture don't allow her to manipulate you with whichever antics she employs). Finally, if she acknowledge you'd remain unruffled, she'll slide and begin to think and for the very first time how she got things messed up.

She'll then pray to have her marriage back... give her and you'd successfully subdued her. Henceforth every action she takes, she weighs the prospects.

This is a long term approach except you want her to still be in charge and I bet you with the power she has now, any challenge on family finance she'll divorce you.

I like this girl.

@op, reverse psychology works like magic. Smile at her or at her action when she is expecting a frown, frown when she wants you to laugh. Do a complete reverse of every(at least most) methods you are using right now. See what happens in a few months. Trust me, it is magic.

So what do people talk about when they court these days

UjSizzle:
So what do people talk about when they court these days

More important stuff like netflix and chill, movies, clubbing oh and "offing paynt"