No it is what i have seen for myself but both sides as well jamaican and nigerian and no matter how different, our issues are quite parrallel to each other, as they are condemning me they should take a good look at themselves, what is the point anyway, to stress this any further. Opinions are like water they change when you add something in the mix and if i had these small opinions of nigerians from being told whilst growing up i would not of put myself with a nigerian man in the first place! so that is a bit sillly? huuuh? does that make any sense to you, since when did god quote race or culture as an issue when we fall in love? I can handle that obviously! i am completly uninspired from most things i have read last night, and i am sure Whome is a nigerian woman with an open mind, hey one cannot have a civilised discussion with common sense! FORGET IT THE ISSUE. bty i am sure i can handle the big boys and girls, check i did not say man or womb man.

What is your aim? You said you wanted advice, does that remain the case?

What kind of advice do you want?

People have tried to advise you, but all you do is attack them in return and say all the things you have achieved and speak about people making mistakes in life. 

No one is saying mistakes don't get made, but please - take some responsibility for your actions. Yes there are issues out of our control, but some problems are of our OWN making and you need to realise that.

I guess I will be called 'arrogant and ignorant' again for stating the obvious, but then so be it.

I hope the man comes to his senses and shows responsibility for the kids, but I wouldn't hold my breath - take care of the kids as best as you can and move on with life.

I don't know what 'small opinions' you've been given except take responsibility for your action and stay off men at the moment, since you have had two relationships involving children come to an end. No one is judging you - I am sorry you had to go through this pain, and I honestly hope you have the strength to raise your children in a godly way regardless of whether the father decides to get involved or not.

Agbada you made an assumption and you were very very wrong. I am not Jamaican, I do not hate Nigerians in fact my duaghter is half Nigerian. Most of my friends are African of differant Nationalities and I dont want to "vent" anything on this board.

I am not angry nor bitter about anything except injustice, bigotry, and prejudice. I am a very humane person and I hate when I encounter ignorance, whether it is from a Nigerian, African American (which I am ) Spaniard, White, Asian ect,

I wish people would try to be sensative to others and to feel more for their fellow man and when I encounter otherwise it really bothers me. I am not perfect nor trying to portray myself as such however I think many more people could stand to take a look at themselves before they go around pointing out the shortcomings of others.

And to another poster who asked why I insulted the other poster I will say I apologize for the insult regarding abortion. I do not know if she agrees with abortion or not. Being that I do not I assumed by her post that she did and I should not have done that. At the same token how would she feel if she came here upset and confused and asked for advice only to have someone mock how she was left alone to raise children on her own and then called insane! Stick up for your own if you must but I dont care which way you slice it, it was a rotten thing to say to the lady .

Give me advice? i was attacked from the start when in fact the deeds had been sown and obviously i am not a baby making machine the second eldest is 13 this year, so it has been a long time!!!!!!! the advice i was looking for was in understanding his culture and opinions for his MADNESS, if i did not have to defend myself constantly, maybe we would of got somewhere, i just do not care, he is going to nigeria maybe his father can teach him ( again ) how to be a man! or beat some sense into him, let the issue rest forget it next time i want advice i will not come here again simple, Thankyou WHOME BUT WE MUST REALISE WHEN WE ARE FIGHTING AGAINST THE GRAIN AND THEY JUSSSST DO NOT GET IT, LEAVE THEM TO IT, I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY AND MY CHLDREN AND MY HEALING TO GET ON WITH, LEAVE THEM TO TALK AT THEIR WILL, AND CONTINUE TO ELEVATE ONES SELF. PEACE SISTER

that was very rude as i do not go out and make babies because it is fun, for you info i am a qualified gas/ engineer and plumber with 11 years experience with a psychology major, i was married before to a nigerian who i have two lovely children with, also i am studying law and run a business plumbing venture and an inventor PLUS THIS IS THE FIRST MAN I HAVE DATED IN 11 YEARS KEEP YOUR BUSH MENTALITY TO YOURSELF and what were you suggesting a termination perhaps? i believe in a higher power so the idea of murder is not within my realm i see you trust in god then spread his word more sufficently and GET OFF MY POST WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY

This makes it easier to understand some of the reasons the man might have been the way he is. Which man in his right senses wants a tiger who would devour him?

INSANITY? WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? LADY YOU DO NOT KNOW ME, AS I SAID BEFORE IF YOU READ MY POST I WAS CLEARLY LOOKING FOR POSITIVE WORDS AND ADVICE, IN APPROACHING THIS SCENARIO, AS FAR AS I CAN READ, SO PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT GOING BE OPEN MINDED DO NOT BOTHER AS FURTHER TO MY PREVIOUS RESPONSE I DO HAVE A SUCESSFUL CAREER AND THRIVING BUSINESS. MAY I SUGGEST YOU EXPAND YOUR MIND A LITTLE, I DO NOT BRING MY PREVIOUS TWO CHILDREN WITHOUT SUPPORT, MY EX-HUSBAND IS BRILLIANT AND IS VERY SUPPORTIVE AND AN EXCELLENT FRIEND. SORRY FOR BEING RUDE BUT I CANNOT STAND SMALL MINDED INDIVIDUALS WHO CLEARLY CANNOT READ BETWEEN THE LINES, WHO ARE RUDE IN THEIR RESPONSES WITHOUT REALISING, I THINK THAT IS CALLED HAVING NO TACT

How then is he your EX?

because like most women i wanted the relationship to work so i did not give up, and please do not give me some moral talk, i have seen my ex-husbanmd uncles cheat and abuse their nigerian wives and have children out of wedlock and sex before marriage all nigerian and so on and smile to the public do not go there. :-x i have seen the most negative comments about jamaican women blah blah blah i have to laugh when i believe nigerians and jamaicans have more in common then each other will realise or willing to admit, how sad that my children of dual nationality will be exposed to small mided individuals like yourselves in life but i pray that those experiences will enable character building of a positive kind, and they will pity people like you and show you compassion when it is obvious some of you need it most, goodbye people smile and enjoy life as it too short to harbour such close minded opinions it will only turn you into a magical sheep!

Rather than accept the fact that you have been daft, you resort to attacking people who speak the bitter truth.

You deserve pity in your inability to make sound judgement and your inability to see accept responsibility for your stupidity.

Never mind, another man will soon be around the corner and you can have the next 2 kids for him

No in fact you are in worse shoes becuase of your the high pony you have put yourself on. It is people that can "never do something" that end up doing it 3 times over. I'd like to know your secret to being perfect becuase the whole world needs it.

perhaps she's just not daft. Not necessarily that she is perfect.

debosky:

I don't understand this story.

You had problems with him from 'VERY EARLY' yet you chose to continue? Please don't give me the 'like most women' line, it is STALE.

You were not some 20 year old novice who was naive and didn't know of the hardships in life. You had TWO children you needed to support and it sounds like this man was NEVER interested in having a family in the first place. . . why are you surprised things ended this way?

You say your man was an 'anomaly', did not communicate and not consistent yet you went ahead and continued with him??

Honestly, I think you might just be attracted to lost causes. From your post, there was NEVER ANY HOPE for this relationship, and you need to take responsibility for that because the signs were GLARING.

Sorry you have had to feel all this pain, but you have no one to blame but yourself. Yes a man is needed to have babies, but with the experience of taking care of TWO already, you know what happens when the man decides to take off. You really do need to focus on taking care of your children and leave men out of it for now.

From your story, it seems you might even be older than the guy, not that it's wrong, but your higher level of maturity should've shown you he was never going to be ready.

Thank you

arula:

how many nigerian women out there who are divorced, how many of you are still waiting? how many of you are over thirty?
i am not in pain just trying to gain a different understanding from people i do not know, yet we all make choices and learn but who on this discussion can hold their head up high and claim never to have made choices on what they were feeling in a past tense, or can say that they will never make bad choices in the future? or all of you holier than thou remember what jesus said if you spite or judge your brother with your right eye be sure you will be condemed with your left or something like that

How many fingers can you point? Go and sort your life out jare.

arula:

Give me advice? i was attacked from the start when in fact the deeds had been sown and obviously i am not a baby making machine the second eldest is 13 this year, so it has been a long time!!!!!!! the advice i was looking for was in understanding his culture and opinions for his MADNESS, if i did not have to defend myself constantly, maybe we would of got somewhere, i just do not care, he is going to nigeria maybe his father can teach him ( again ) how to be a man! or beat some sense into him, let the issue rest forget it next time i want advice i will not come here again simple, Thankyou WHOME BUT WE MUST REALISE WHEN WE ARE FIGHTING AGAINST THE GRAIN AND THEY JUSSSST DO NOT GET IT, LEAVE THEM TO IT, I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY AND MY CHLDREN AND MY HEALING TO GET ON WITH, LEAVE THEM TO TALK AT THEIR WILL, AND CONTINUE TO ELEVATE ONES SELF. PEACE SISTER

Isn't it clear who exactly the mad would have been in the relationship based on what you have posted here so far?

//

arula:

Give me advice? i was attacked from the start when in fact the deeds had been sown and obviously i am not a baby making machine the second eldest is 13 this year, so it has been a long time!!!!!!!

Again, no one attacked you. What you perceived as attacks were painful truths asking you to look at YOURSELF as a possible source of the problem instead of simply thinking it was the other party's fault.

the advice i was looking for was in understanding his culture and opinions for his MADNESS, if i did not have to defend myself constantly, maybe we would of got somewhere,

His culture has nothing to do with his behaviour - it is not part of any culture in Nigeria to have children with a woman and leave her to bear the consequences on her own. I would think that you know that already, given the evidence of your NIGERIAN ex-husband who is still a part of his kids' lives.

There was no need to go defensive - instead you are unleashing your anger at the man against people trying to understand your situation.

i just do not care, he is going to nigeria maybe his father can teach him ( again ) how to be a man! or beat some sense into him,

Then move on with your life - why did you post this if you 'do not care'? Why try to understand when you 'don't care'?

let the issue rest forget it next time i want advice i will not come here again simple

If you want people to say 'sorry' 1 million times to you, then by all means don't return. We will tell you the hard truth - you want people to say it's not your fault, but that will not happen here.

BUT WE MUST REALISE WHEN WE ARE FIGHTING AGAINST THE GRAIN AND THEY JUSSSST DO NOT GET IT, LEAVE THEM TO IT, I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY AND MY CHLDREN AND MY HEALING TO GET ON WITH, LEAVE THEM TO TALK AT THEIR WILL, AND CONTINUE TO ELEVATE ONES SELF. PEACE SISTER

That is all we are telling you - focus on your children and your healing. I don't know who you are 'fighting' against in this case - I suspect it is all in your head.

The painful truth is, you have been deceived or allowed yourself to be deceived. Whether now or later on, you will need to eventually face the truth regarding the mistakes you made. Lashing out against people will not change anything.

debosky:

Again, no one attacked you. What you perceived as attacks were painful truths asking you to look at YOURSELF as a possible source of the problem instead of simply thinking it was the other party's fault.

debo,like someone said earlier, it's of no use bandying words with the poster.She has firm albeit wrong opinion already on the subject matter.

i guess this guy was slightly immature and maybe it was too early for him to be a father.
also, am i mistaking or was he never the father/boyfriend you wished him to be?
if so then why go ahead with a second child knowing the difficulties that you had of sdoing simple things like communicating t with him?

Eye opener

@ CHAIRCOVER. I was not duped by three Nigerian men where did you get that info. I was married to two men who turned out not to be who "they" said they were. Has that not happened to women of all races. It seems to me that the stigma placed on divorce in other countries keeps most of these women bound to a unhappy and bitter marriage. I chose to leave. And yes you can call me intelligent because intelligence is not based on who you choose to love. That is a matter of the heart which can often times be treacherous.

Show me where one of my posts has been unintelligent and has bashed any Nigerian. You cannot base anything you said on fact and have sunken to a level of trying to squander me in the mud with insults that have no merit nor backing. I am very intelligent and even though I am a single mother I am successful with my own business and paying my own bills. And you say I seem conceited? Well I am . I am proud of myself and my children and would never hide in shame from anyone. I can openly tell my story because I am not ashamed. I was a good wife and a very good mother. I am not bragging but stating the facts.

I have attempted to apologize where I was wrong but stood by my initial response in that the comment the one lady poster made was rude. I still stand by that. Now I am asking you, what do you know about me? Nothing! When you want to post something about me based on what I have written on this board at least make sure it is correct and you have all the facts.

Let me propose to WHOME!

darling, with bended and kneeling knees I ask you, will you be my wife?

Such a good mother of her kids? But remember I am full blooded Nigerian before you say yes!

@ Just good you are obviously trying to support your sisters. Good, I wish we as African Americans supported each other more. However please do not try to insult me. You will get no where. I love to debate and going back and forth is fine with me as long as you dint try to insult me or my intelligence. I was stating a fact. To call someone insane and throw salt in their face after they have already done it themselves is something that was uncalled for. I apologized to the young lady for the comment I made regarding her and abortion but I see that everyone here is above even GOD. Not here on the boards but here in this thread. I have met many wonderful people on this board and have many wonderful Nigerian friends. I do not have anything against anyone except those who persist on treating others with prejudice and disdain. Some posters posted positive suggestions and thoughts however some were obviously only offering spit to this woman's wound. Why is it that no one can say anything about that but can try and gang up on the non Nigerians. If I had posted as a Nigerian I am sure I would have some backing me up, but because you see I am not you think you must "prove me wrong" because I have chosen to stand up in my beliefs to one of your countrymen. It is a shame that you are the ones in this thread that are proving to be closed minded and "daft"

@ agaba I love Nigerians and all humans who are kind, understanding, and humane. However no matter who it is, I hate cruelty, prejudice, and bigotry, amongst other things. In all my posts I have never bashed Nigerians. I have never bashed anyone except those who I felt were treating others unfairly. I even spoke out against an African American woman on the boards who was basically bragging that her married Nigerian man had left his wife and was now having a baby with her. So please dint label me a NIGERIAN BASHER just because I have spoke out against this ladies comment. She could have been my sister for all I am concerned and I would still say the same thing.

Whome:

@ agaba I love Nigerians and all humans who are kind, understanding, and humane. However no matter who it is, I hate cruelty, prejudice, and bigotry, amongst other things. In all my posts I have never bashed Nigerians. I have never bashed anyone except those who I felt were treating others unfairly. I even spoke out against an African American woman on the boards who was basically bragging that her married Nigerian man had left his wife and was now having a baby with her. So please dint label me a NIGERIAN BASHER just because I have spoke out against this ladies comment. She could have been my sister for all I am concerned and I would still say the same thing.

Sweetheart
You are yet to give me an answer. Will you marry me please?

Another marriage proposal, pls remember to invite me for the wedding oh.

//

@ Chaircover I was not referring to Nigerian marriages I was referring to women all over the world who may marry someone that turns out to be a bad mate. My first husband was a good man in the beginning however he later became a heavy drinker and then the abuse came. You can hardly say I made a poor choice in this case as it was not my choice but his to later on abuse alcohol. In my second marriage I was introduced through a very good friend and dated the man for 2 years before we married. I was unaware of his true self as he kept that hidden from me. You could say I was duped in this case but I still fail to see how this was my fault. I had contemplated staying with him but that was only because of the religion I now practice. I forgave him once only for the sake of our child but I am not with him now and it was me who walked away and has not been back. Even during the time I have contemplated keeping the marriage I was not in conact with him even though he tried to contact me. I have carried on with my life and I am successfully caring for my children alone. So I dint believe it is fair to question my intelligence in any way shape or form. If I was not smart how could I have accomplished that.

And to the comment I made about abortion, I was not saying ALL women have kept from becoming a single mother through abortion. I was only saying alto of women make use of it and if there was an availability of statistics in other countries regarding the matter then you may be shocked to see the number of women that utilize this method of "birth control ". We already know the United States has a high rate of abortion but that is because there is virtually no stigma against it and in fact it unfortunately is almost glorified as a woman's right. However I know that Americans are not the only ones having sex and certainly not the only ones having unprotected sex. As I said before I believe it is the negative stigma of unwed motherhood, abortion, and divorce that keeps the true numbers from surfacing in other countries.

Whome?
Annswer me so that I will k ow my stand.

I am not sure you could handle me remember I am full blooded Akata!

Whome:

@ Just good you are obviously trying to support your sisters. Good, I wish we as African Americans supported each other more. However please do not try to insult me. You will get no where. I love to debate and going back and forth is fine with me as long as you dint try to insult me or my intelligence. I was stating a fact. To call someone insane and throw salt in their face after they have already done it themselves is something that was uncalled for. I apologized to the young lady for the comment I made regarding her and abortion but I see that everyone here is above even GOD. Not here on the boards but here in this thread. I have met many wonderful people on this board and have many wonderful Nigerian friends. I do not have anything against anyone except those who persist on treating others with prejudice and disdain. Some posters posted positive suggestions and thoughts however some were obviously only offering spit to this woman's wound. Why is it that no one can say anything about that but can try and gang up on the non Nigerians. If I had posted as a Nigerian I am sure I would have some backing me up, but because you see I am not you think you must "prove me wrong" because I have chosen to stand up in my beliefs to one of your countrymen. It is a shame that you are the ones in this thread that are proving to be closed minded and "daft"

I am not trying to defend my sisters. I am speaking what I believe is truth and if you find that too bitter to swallow, TOUGH!

It does not matter whether you posted as a Nigerian or not. Anyone can actually post and pretend to be anything they want to be so I dont care about what nationality you post as.

I am glad you consider me closed minded. I'd rather be closed minded than open my mind to accept that a lady who constantly marries and the men turn to devils overnight is not doing anything wrong. The fact that a woman constantly makes men become devils means that she is to be avoided like a plague. Rather than look inside herself and try changing whatever it is that makes every man become a devil once they get involved with her, she is pointing fingers and blaming all the men for her woes. Dont you think the fact that you are unable to fathom why every man you marry becomes a devil means that you are DAFT?

JustGood:

I am not trying to defend my sisters. I am speaking what I believe is truth and if you find that too bitter to swallow, TOUGH!

It does not matter whether you posted as a Nigerian or not. Anyone can actually post and pretend to be anything they want to be so I dont care about what nationality you post as.

I am glad you consider me closed minded. I'd rather be closed minded than open my mind to accept that a lady who constantly marries and the men turn to devils overnight is not doing anything wrong. The fact that a woman constantly makes men become devils means that she is to be avoided like a plague. Rather than look inside herself and try changing whatever it is that makes every man become a devil once they get involved with her, she is pointing fingers and blaming all the men for her woes. Dont you think the fact that you are unable to fathom why every man you marry becomes a devil means that you are DAFT?

LOLOLOL I don laugh die oo

To state i am not trying to bash nigerian culture or the people my sincere apologies if i came across that way, and yes maybe he did not see me as marriage material but he did not state that at all during the relationship, which puzzles me? i did try and speak with his family but they had me down as a jamaican shit except for his mother, who is a lovely woman who i have the most respect and regardless of his families take on my background i respect them also as every1 is entitled to their opinion. I had no choice to be a general as this man would not partake in descisions and general running of the household, he changed basically from a loving individual into a difficult individual alot of the responsibnility fell to me, the input i asked i requested from him, it became clear that his heart and mind was not in our house anymore, my own family invited him to functions etc but he always declined that really offeneded them and myself as my family are not a loud collective but carry themselves with grace and etiquette. This the first relationship OF ANY SEXUAL KIND OR LOVING i have had with a man in 11 years and obviously i got to know him first some things i accept about him and understood but in time he had changed, even if we are not together i cannot understand his lack of interest in his child nor in a pregnancy he now does not support, he is a father and has responsibilities. No, i am not a loose cannon but a frustrated individual attempting to understand this and is acceptable i believe it not to be, as for staying away from nigerian men i do not actively seek them out, i am not a man hunter or putting a man before myself, we happened to like each other and he is nigerian! simple He knew about my background and i his, there were no problems for a long time until he changed into someone i did not know anymore, i do not intend to get pregnant again as i am not a baby making machine nor do i open my legs to any tom dick and harry, so your comments WHICH I DO NOT CARE FOR i shall take with a pinch of salt I LOVE ALL PEOPLE BUT I HEAR OF ALOT OF BASHING BETWEEN DIFFERENT CULTURES, especially growing up in jamaican culture or having nigerian friends who bash bash bash the point i was trying to make is that we all have our flaws to those out there who are holier than thou, i once worked in a refuge and would witness young nigerian and jamaican girls who were prostituting themselves there is wrong in all cultures. Period. My responsibilties and consequences of my actions yes are questionable and i work on dealing with that but that is no cause for a man to abandon his responsibilities? is it now

arula:

To state i am not trying to bash nigerian culture or the people my sincere apologies if i came across that way, and yes maybe he did not see me as marriage material but he did not state that at all during the relationship, which puzzles me? i did try and speak with his family but they had me down as a jamaican shit except for his mother, who is a lovely woman who i have the most respect and regardless of his families take on my background i respect them also as every1 is entitled to their opinion. I had no choice to be a general a[b]s this man would not partake in descisions and general running of the household, he changed basically from a loving individual into a difficult individual alot of the responsibnility fell to me,[/b] the input i asked i requested from him, it became clear that his heart and mind was not in our  house anymore, my own family invited him to functions etc but he always declined that really offeneded them and myself as my family are not a loud collective but carry themselves with grace and etiquette.   

A man does not 'CHANGE' overnight - he either hid his behaviours from you or you were blinded by love and couldn't see it. In any case, with your previous experience, I expect someone like you to be PATIENT enough to really see a person's true colours before getting pregnant. But then again, I might be acting like I know it all. 

This the first relationship OF ANY SEXUAL KIND OR LOVING i have had with a man in 11 years [/b]and obviously i got to know him first some things i accept about him and understood but in time he had changed, 

Again emphasis on [b]11 years - maybe you have been too long out of the game to spot a pretender and really just wanted someone to be with. I don't know you, but being without a relationship for 11 years can affect anyone's judgment so consider that when you reflect over what went wrong.

even if we are not together i cannot understand his lack of interest in his child nor in a pregnancy he now does not support, he is a father and has responsibilities. No, i am not a loose cannon but a frustrated individual attempting to understand this and is acceptable i believe it not to be, 

You are clearly frustrated with cogent reasons to be- however, your question has already been answered. This is not acceptable - not in Nigerian culture, not anywhere. The man has failed in his responsibilities. However, you have GREATER responsibility in this, for someone who is older, has been in a FAILED relationship previously and has two kids already. I urge you to really think about this and not go defensive talking about your 'achievements' again.

i was trying to make is that we all have our flaws to those out there who are holier than thou, i once worked in a refuge and would witness young nigerian and jamaican girls who were prostituting themselves there is wrong in all cultures. Period. My responsibilties and consequences of my actions yes are questionable and i work on dealing with that but that is no cause for a man to abandon his responsibilities? is it now

No doubt we all have our flaws, all we ask is that you accept YOURS in this case and not lash out against people trying to advice you. In case you didn't notice, this thread is about YOUR issues, not those of other people and it would be wise and beneficial for you to focus on resolving YOUR OWN problems instead of telling us all we have flaws or trying to 'understand' men or fix them. You haven't made a revelation by saying we all have flaws.

Enough of focusing on cultures - it is clear you have a BIG hangup on how you've been perceived as a Jamaican involved with Nigerians, but that is not the subject of the current discourse.

Whome:

I am not sure you could handle me remember I am full blooded Akata!

Haa! Is that your problem? Leave that one for me to deal with. Will you marry me?

@poster,the truth is that you should ask yourself why the two men left you and why their sudden change.I think from what i ve read here,you should try to improve on your character and be less aggressive,i think you re hot tempered too.Nigerian men hate to be challenged and a woman showing them that she has achieved so much to disrespect them.Well,the deed has been done,now i think you should bend down and take care of the children and forget about any relationships for now.work on your personality and improve in the way you reason and learn to accept the real truth which some people here have posted.wish you good luck