Hello people, need some advice?!
                                                                               British born jamaican lady and british born nigerian. Nigerian male from an affluent family ( igbo) myself jamaican working class, we had been together for a few years, i have two children from previous relationship, a new baby girl with him and another one on the way. Problems in the relationship surficed very early as he was very non-communicative and not very consistant in day to day life and these qualities frustrate myself, ( 28 year old nigerian male) he is public educated where i am state so our ideas and opinions clashed, he was closed minded and i can be too liberated at times, also i can be fiery tempered when there are neverending inconsistancies and i find myself talking and instigating everything, i have openly encouraged him to feel comfortable in the home we shared but he was an anomaly even when around, hardly saw him and a family that at least spends time together, stays together?
                                             
                                                              Now we have seperated as the situation got from bad to worse, on both parties account, he refuses to co-operate in 1 year old daughter`s life and after being supportive of second pregnancy, has refused to be a part of that also. Basically he has gone, i realise what i must do, he has decided to return to his father ( who he was estranged from until recently) as he felt ashamed he had no place of his own, or maybe that is one big lie, plus he was so secretive? Now  i refuse to stereotype any man but when i asked of these traditions he has refused to share, so i can overstand, it just felt like we were completely different people with no middle ground. Saddest part for me as he feels no shame to go to his father when he has not seen his children? huh

@Poster,so basically u are a single parent with 4 kids to cater for NOW?
I dont know what advice u seek or want but all i can say is that u shld pls stop making babies for the meantime and concentrate on building/improving ur self/career and taking care of ur babies.
As per the 9ja boy,where u guys legally married?
Can u take care care of ur babies singlehandedly?

that was very rude as i do not go out and make babies because it is fun, for you info i am a qualified gas/ engineer and plumber with 11 years experience with a psychology major, i was married before to a nigerian who i have two lovely children with, also i am studying law and run a business plumbing venture and an inventor PLUS THIS IS THE FIRST MAN I HAVE DATED IN 11 YEARS KEEP YOUR BUSH MENTALITY TO YOURSELF and what were you suggesting a termination perhaps? i believe in a higher power so the idea of murder is not within my realm i see you trust in god then spread his word more sufficently and GET OFF MY POST WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY

^^^Madam,am sorry if i sounded rude.
Have a nice day jare.

@arula werent u a bit harsh? your circumstance is unfortunate, just concentrate more on raising your kids. Men could be deceptive atimes

^^^Lol,dont be bothered cos am not.Being dumped and left all alone with 2 kids is enough to make anyone insane. 

that was very rude as i do not go out and make babies because it is fun, for you info i am a qualified gas/ engineer and plumber with 11 years experience with a psychology major, i was married before to a nigerian who i have two lovely children with, also i am studying law and run a business plumbing venture and an inventor PLUS THIS IS THE FIRST MAN I HAVE DATED IN 11 YEARS KISS MY ARSE AND KEEP YOUR BUSH MENTALITY TO YOURSELF  and what were you suggesting a termination perhaps? i believe in a higher power so the idea of murder is not within my realm i see you trust in god then spread his word more sufficently and GET OFF MY POST WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY

ROFLMAO!!!

 


"Hell hath no fury. . ."

INSANITY? WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? LADY YOU DO NOT KNOW ME, AS I SAID BEFORE IF YOU READ MY POST I WAS CLEARLY LOOKING FOR POSITIVE WORDS AND ADVICE, IN APPROACHING THIS SCENARIO, AS FAR AS I CAN READ, SO PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT GOING BE OPEN MINDED DO NOT BOTHER AS FURTHER TO MY PREVIOUS RESPONSE I DO HAVE A SUCESSFUL CAREER AND THRIVING BUSINESS. MAY I SUGGEST YOU EXPAND YOUR MIND A LITTLE, I DO NOT BRING MY PREVIOUS TWO CHILDREN WITHOUT SUPPORT, MY EX-HUSBAND IS BRILLIANT AND IS VERY SUPPORTIVE AND AN EXCELLENT FRIEND. SORRY FOR BEING RUDE BUT I CANNOT STAND SMALL MINDED INDIVIDUALS WHO CLEARLY CANNOT READ BETWEEN THE LINES, WHO ARE RUDE IN THEIR RESPONSES WITHOUT REALISING, I THINK THAT IS CALLED HAVING NO TACT

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Why when many rspond on this board is it always th womans fualt?

It is always, "th woman should stop making babies", or "if you kept your legs closed". I commend this sister that she did not take the easy way out and abort her children. What is more shamefull, getting pregnant 6 times and killing each one for the sake of status and future, or getting pregnant 4 times but being decent enough to give the children a chance to have a life.

However what really discusts me is how men but mainly WOMEN will be the first ones to down the woman over having babies out of wedlock but last I knew it took two people to make a baby. The woman is the one stuck to raise the children alone. How is she bad for making the right choice but the man right for making two babies with her but leaving her and his children behind to grow without a father!

We women do make bad choices when it comes to men alot of times but if you ask me, who in this imperfect world does not make bad choices. Some are longer lasting than others but do any of YOU have to live with her choices.

She came on this board asking for what to do about her man not taking care of her kids, not to be so harshly judged.

I just read IFA's response and that was uncalled for. I can only hope that one day you are not in this womans shoes. Remember GOD sees ALL things. He loves us ALL even those of us that make choices that are not the best. But remember that he also allows things to happen to us as a reminder of our place as humans. Watch what you say to others and try to be more humane and understanding than judgemental and superior. If God was that way we would all be dead and I know you are not holier than him.

I am not trying to get into it with you I am just trying to get you to be a little more "open minded"

Thankyou thankyou whome, many blessings love and light sister bty chaircover if you had read the last section i was with a man i wanted to know all about and was very much interested in his customs and culture, to build bridges not divide, to teach my children their heritage and continue to grow in a productive manner, now that he is not around i have chosen to teach children and myself igbo lanuage and instill as much of the culture and values as possible from friends etc. Unfortunately what i attempting has been met with? huuuuh what can i say? My ex-husband is what i have seen of a strong character and instills discipline and morals, teaches them the ways and i learn myself from time to time, an excellent role model, with two daughters! with love and understanding.
To be in shock is an understatement regarding my ex-partner, his mentality was totally different, never mind my sucess or willing to strive and progress, he disregarded everything i did and felt like his home was not his kingdom because i continued to progress ( never mind ) i included him whenever possible! When i was with my ex-husband i was very involved in his family and he in mine and still to this day, but unfortunately my recent x decided my family and i are not good enough for him considering my achievements because of my background, and i will not put up with his nonsense. So please tell me is it rresponsible for any man niger or not to neglect their responsibilities to engage in a relationship and be totally arrogant. BTY THE WAY THIS GUY COMES FROM A WEALTHY FAMILY OR IS HE JUST A SNOB WITH NO AMBITION WHO NEEDS HIS FATHERS MONEY BECAUSE HE CANNOT DEVELOP HIS OWN STANDING AND BUILD FOUNDATIONS? WHY DID HE GET WITH A JAMAICAN WOMAN WITH A OPINONS LIKE THOSE FESTERING IN HIS MIND? SHOULD HE NOT BE EMBARRASED TO GO HIS FATHER WHO SUCH SOCIAL STANDING AND WEALTH IN NIGER SOCIETY AND TELL HIM HE IS AN ABSENTEE FATHE, THAT IS CRAZY! I ALREADY HEAR THAT KIND OF NONSENSE FROM WEST INDIANS ABOUT AFRICANS CONSTANTLY MY GOSH THEY BORE THE LIFE OUT OF ME, ARE THEIR ANY MORE INTELLIGENT WOMEN LIKE WHOME OUT THERE?

//

Whome:

I just read IFA's response and that was uncalled for. I can only hope that one day you are not in this womans shoes. Remember GOD sees ALL things. He loves us ALL even those of us that make choices that are not the best. But remember that he also allows things to happen to us as a reminder of our place as humans. Watch what you say to others and try to be more humane and understanding than judgemental and superior. If God was that way we would all be dead and I know you are not holier than him.

I am not trying to get into it with you I am just trying to get you to be a little more "open minded"

wonders ! ! !  
I wud like u to point out where i condenmed the lady  
was it my asking if they were legally married or by asking her to stop making babies for now cos i dont get it  
If u wanna patronise the OP do so by all means but dont dont try to muddle me in. i never condenmed her,just told her what i felt/saw from the picture she painted.
BTW,i cant be in her shoes anyday anyway.  

because like most women i wanted the relationship to work so i did not give up, and please do not give me some moral talk, i have seen my ex-husbanmd uncles cheat and abuse their nigerian wives and have children out of wedlock and sex before marriage all nigerian and so on and smile to the public do not go there.  :-x i have seen the most negative comments about jamaican women blah blah blah  i have to laugh when i believe nigerians and jamaicans have more in common then each other will realise or willing to admit, how sad that my children of dual nationality will be exposed to small mided individuals like yourselves in life but i pray that those experiences will enable character building of a positive kind, and they will pity people like you and show you compassion when it is obvious some of you need it most, goodbye people smile and enjoy life as it too short to harbour such close minded opinions it will only turn you into a magical sheep!

No in fact you are in worse shoes becuase of your the high pony you have put yourself on. It is people that can "never do something" that end up doing it 3 times over. I'd like to know your secret to being perfect becuase the whole world needs it.

And by the way I was refering to your comment about her man leaving alone with two kids and her being insane. I never said you condemed her but your comment was still without taste. And your probably right, you wouldnt be in her sistuation becuase I forgot abortion in your mind is probably digified.

I meant to type dignified

Whats wrong with what ify said?

I think a healthy dose of compassionate and  truthful advise plus a realistic view of what your situation looks like from an outsiders point is what you will/can get from this forum and what you need. You have 2 kids for a man you're divorced from ( marriages ends, so it's not your fault) But then you had a child with someone else you were'nt married too( thats ok, you love the guy), then you decided to have another child and he supported it ( please how did he support it, verbally?) and now he's absconded. You've got 4 kids and a very hectic life , it can't be easy. I guess you've got to focus less on trying to make relationships work with men who aren't worth it. There are plenty of decent guys who do things the right way and  i hope one day you find the right one who's going to be there for you and your kids, for keeps.

arula:

because like most women i wanted the relationship to work so i did not give up, and please do not give me some moral talk, i have seen my ex-husbanmd uncles cheat and abuse their nigerian wives and smile to the public do not go there.  :-x i have seen the most negative comments about jamaican women blah blah blah  i have to laugh when i believe nigerians and jamaicans have more in common then each other will realise, how sad that my children of dual nationality will be exposed to small mided individuals like yourself in life but i pray that those experiences will enable character building of a positive kind, and they will pity people like you and show you compassion when it is obvious some of you need it most, goodbye people smile and enjoy life as it too short to harbour such close minded opinions it will only turn you into a magical sheep!

This is scary.

@Whome, to insinuate that Ify thinks abortion is dignified after stating that it's an easy road is a very tasteless comment for woman to make.

I don't understand this story.

arula:

Problems in the relationship surficed very early as he was very non-communicative and not very consistant in day to day life and these qualities frustrate myself, ( 28 year old nigerian male) he is public educated where i am state so our ideas and opinions clashed, he was closed minded and i can be too liberated at times, also i can be fiery tempered when there are neverending inconsistancies and i find myself talking and instigating everything, i have openly encouraged him to feel comfortable in the home we shared but he was an anomaly even when around, hardly saw him and a family that at least spends time together, stays together?

You had problems with him from 'VERY EARLY' yet you chose to continue? Please don't give me the 'like most women' line, it is STALE.

You were not some 20 year old novice who was naive and didn't know of the hardships in life. You had TWO children you needed to support and it sounds like this man was NEVER interested in having a family in the first place. . . why are you surprised things ended this way?

You say your man was an 'anomaly', did not communicate and not consistent yet you went ahead and continued with him??

Honestly, I think you might just be attracted to lost causes. From your post, there was NEVER ANY HOPE for this relationship, and you need to take responsibility for that because the signs were GLARING.

Sorry you have had to feel all this pain, but you have no one to blame but yourself. Yes a man is needed to have babies, but with the experience of taking care of TWO already, you know what happens when the man decides to take off. You really do need to focus on taking care of your children and leave men out of it for now.

From your story, it seems you might even be older than the guy, not that it's wrong, but your higher level of maturity should've shown you he was never going to be ready.

No financially too and yes of course i was aware of early issues but then we were both working through them but then he changed, so what if i had children and was not married, i know too many nigerian women who have children and are not married are you saying if we were married he would of stayed or been a better individual or more willing to work things through? or the fact is that there many men nigerian men that i know of who leave their wives and go on to marry into the new and leave their children behind, or was your own parents marriage perfect or is your own, or am i getting this response because i am jamaican, you only have to look at some of the topics on this website to see the conversations going on lebanisim, pregnant for a married nigerian ( posted by a nigerian women ) and she gets untold sympathy SHE IS SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN PEOPLE! should i marry him for his money and social standing even if i do not love him or the classic, engaged to my fiance but in love with his brother posted by a nigerian women HYPOCRITES we all find ourselves in situations black white chinese etc jamaican etc but do we condemn or show overstanding so one can come away from this forum enlightened and i may i state i do not bring up my eldest children on my own can you not read my ex-husband, their father is still around!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME AND LOST CAUSES THE FACT THAT YOU SPOKE SEEMS TO ME A PERFECT WASTE OF AIR, IF YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW AND DO NOT ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS THEN IT IS YOU WHO IS THE LOST CAUSE! I RUN MY OWN BUSINESS WITH MY NIGERIAN LIVE IN HELPER AND FAMILY SUPPORT AND AM NOT RUSHED OFF MY FEET, FOOL, I HAVE STUDIED AND PUT MYSELF THROUGH BECAUSE I AM DETERMINED TO SUCEED ANY INDIVIDUAL THAT CANNOT COPE WITH THAT ( HE COULD NOT ) NOW ANY WOMEN WHO ACHIEVES THIS IS MET WITH THE NEGATIVITY AND SMALL MINDEDNESS OF WOMEN OR SHOULD I SAY MEN BECAUSE MAYBE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE? YOU CONDEMN ME AND DO NOT PRAISE MY ACHIEVEMENTS WHEN ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE THERE I ANSWERED ANOTHER QUESTION I HAD WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF IN PUBLIC SCRUTINY AND THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS APART FROM WHOME ALL EVENING THAT BACKLESS MAN WITH NO MORALS AND SUPPOSEDLY SILVER SPOON IN HIS MOUTH IS REPRESENTATION OF NIGERIAN SOCIETY? AT ITS BEST I CANNOT REVEAL WHO HE IS THAT WOULD BRING THE MOST SHAME ON HIS FAMILY AND THIS IS NOT JERRY SPRINGER?

arula:

No financially too and yes of course i was aware of early issues but then we were both working through them but then he changed, s[b]o what if i had children and was not married, i know too many nigerian women who have children and are not married are you saying if we were married he would of stayed or been a better individual or more willing to work things through? or the fact is that there many men nigerian men that i know of who leave their wives and go on to marry into the new and leave their children behind, or was your own parents marriage perfect or is your own,  or am i getting this response because i am jamaican, you only have to look at some of the topics on this website to see the conversations going on lebanisim, pregnant for a married nigerian ( posted by a nigerian women ) and she gets untold sympathy SHE IS SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN PEOPLE! should i marry him for his money and social standing even if i do not love him or the classic, engaged to my fiance but in love with his brother posted by a nigerian women  HYPOCRITES [/b]we all find ourselves in situations black white chinese etc jamaican etc but do we condemn or show overstanding so one can come away from this forum enlightened and i may i state i do not bring up my eldest children on my own can you not read my ex-husband, their father is still around!

Do you often compare your life to others? I feel as if you're on edge and you need to relax. NO BODY IS JUDGING YOU. You obviously needed to share your situation or else you wouldn't be on this forum but like i said earlier you also have to be prepared because people won't see it the way you do. We are all fully aware of what is the norm as far as relationships go and we are also aware that we don't all conform to that for varied reasons. Your ex-husband will one day have another family of his own, even the best of guys who support their children with other women will eventually distance themselves from the mother of those kids once in a new loving relationship and i know you should be fully aware of that. Having a male figure around is healthy for kids, no body wants to be from a broken home, it's really that simple. You're doing the best you can, but you have to learn to accept when people call a spade a spade and know they are'nt insinuating that you're a bad person because we all know that nobody's perfect. You've accepted your situation, good for you. In order for you not to make the same mistake, stop justifying it and look at it all with clear eyes.

On another note, why Nigerian men?

arula:

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME AND LOST CAUSES THE FACT THAT YOU SPOKE SEEMS TO ME A PERFECT WASTE OF AIR, IF YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW AND DO NOT ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS THEN IT IS YOU WHO IS THE LOST CAUSE!  

Ok, let's deal with the right questions:

1. Are you older or younger than the man in question?

2. Why continue with a man who seems disinterested from the get go?

3. Why get pregnant for a man you are not married to? Not that marriage solves anything, but what were you trying to do? Simply have more kids?

4. Why get involved with a man you CLEARLY SAW was not really interested in the relationship?

I RUN MY OWN BUSINESS WITH MY NIGERIAN LIVE IN  HELPER AND FAMILY SUPPORT  AND AM NOT RUSHED OFF MY FEET, FOOL, I HAVE STUDIED AND PUT MYSELF THROUGH BECAUSE I AM DETERMINED TO SUCEED ANY INDIVIDUAL THAT CANNOT COPE WITH THAT ( HE COULD NOT )

Congrats on your success in business - with all this knowledge, why pick a man that couldn't cope with it. Again, you are not a 20 year old novice that doesn't know a thing or two about men, ESPECIALLY after going through a divorce.

NOW ANY WOMEN WHO ACHIEVES THIS IS MET WITH THE NEGATIVITY AND SMALL MINDEDNESS OF WOMEN OR SHOULD I SAY MEN BECAUSE MAYBE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE? YOU CONDEMN ME AND DO NOT PRAISE MY ACHIEVEMENTS WHEN ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE  

This thread is about your relationship/family not your 'achievements' so why would I comment about them? Did you post this thread for people to say you are a successful woman?  

I have not judged you in any way - I am simply asking, that, given all the signs, I don't see why a woman who is obviously intelligent as you are continued down that line - it doesn't add up.

THERE I ANSWERED ANOTHER QUESTION I HAD WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF IN PUBLIC SCRUTINY AND THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS APART FROM WHOME ALL EVENING THAT BACKLESS MAN WITH NO MORALS AND SUPPOSEDLY SILVER SPOON IN HIS MOUTH IS REPRESENTATION OF NIGERIAN SOCIETY? AT ITS BEST I CANNOT REVEAL WHO HE IS THAT WOULD BRING  THE MOST SHAME  ON HIS FAMILY AND THIS IS NOT JERRY SPRINGER?

He is not a representation of Nigerian society - we have millions of upstanding men and women meeting up with their commitments in relationships and marriages.

I have no interest in whom the guy is - this topic is about you and why you find yourself in these 'unfortunate circumstances' let's talk about that.

Again, I am sorry for your pain, but the emotional outburst is unwarranted - I simply said you [b]might [/b]be attracted to lost causes and did not insult you in any shape or form.

plus he never really had time to spend with his father was always away on business and was sent to boarding school from an early age, that is not a lost cause, he is a human being just like you who is the real lost cause he would not get the understanding he deserves from your small mind, i felt love towards him and compassion overstanding, and was willing to work with him  5 friends who are niger tell me the same story that the disconnection from family has been diffiucult, so they have become hard in their hearts a bit like you, you and others certainly live up to the reputations that you garner arrogant and ignorant nothing happens in life sometimes within strict guidelines there are grey areas, and if you want to plan your life by the book you will the first one to go insane when it does not go to plan

THAT IS AN INSULT IN SOME CULTURES WHAT IS WITH NIGERIAN TACT LAUGH OUT LOud and yes i chose not to terminate and rightly so and am i being defensive as i am being attacked

how many nigerian women out there who are divorced, how many of you are still waiting? how many of you are over thirty?
i am not in pain just trying to gain a different understanding from people i do not know, yet we all make choices and learn but who on this discussion can hold their head up high and claim never to have made choices on what they were feeling in a past tense, or can say that they will never make bad choices in the future? or all of you holier than thou remember what jesus said if you spite or judge your brother with your right eye be sure you will be condemed with your left or something like that

arula:

plus he never really had time to spend with his father was always away on business and was sent to boarding school from an early age, that is not a lost cause, he is a human being just like you who is the real lost cause he would not get the understanding he deserves from your small mind, i felt love towards him and compassion overstanding, and was willing to work with him  

So your duty is to repair his life after his hard life with his family?

Didn't you have enough to worry about with your two children (even if their divorced father was involved) before taking on someone else needing someone to 'work with him'?

5 friends who are niger tell me the same story that the disconnection from family has been diffiucult, so they have become hard in their hearts a bit like you, you and others certainly live up to the reputations that you garner arrogant and ignorant nothing happens in life sometimes within strict guidelines there are grey areas, and if you want to plan your life by the book you will the first one to go insane when it does not go to plan

Ok so I am arrogant and ignorant for saying you should be looking out for your best interests instead of playing madam 'I can save the world'?

Stuff happens in everyone's lives, does that justify leaving a woman you supposedly loved with a kid and a pregnancy and no contact?

One second you insult him saying he has no back bone, the next you're all compassionate and understanding.

You cannot solve his problems and I hope you've realised that now.

oh my oh my, one cannot repair, but like all couples we we attempted to work through LIFE. just that

Goodnight, i am tired rest well people and hopefully you will all never make any mistakes in your life looooooool

The way Nigerian behaves other culutre and ethnics and especially from another country would not be able to understand
The same Nigerians do not even understand themselves.
The situation u've found yourself is can happen to even naija woman if the man doesn't have evn future focus or intenetion for her.
The guy didn't see you as someone he can spend the rest of his life with  from a naija view that's why he was able to behave in such a manner.
Not all naija men are like dat but you find that most of them are especially those abroad.
Was there anything that was given to him like u had a stay he didn't or he was infesting himself in your money but you didn't mind.
He just came to chop and run and to stay unfortunately u fell for him hard and bad becos u believed in him to have 2 daughters for him.
That was basically what ify was trying to say but we naija understand ourselves better.
But really it's such a shame that you now got 4 kids to take care of without a father although there is still your ex but no man living or married to you to re

Fair enough, i understand and no he did not get my money, he too much pride to take, if i was not marriage material for him then honestly thank god. I just have to continue and do the best i can, i have to laugh, unfortunately this man is not ready to be a constructive father and father to be i just have to have faith and trust, funny i had a quiet conversation with god and asked him to show me what i need to see without blindless and listen to what i hear and the end rolled in, i am not sure what the sex of this new baby is but hopefully he is a boy and maybe i pray for my x partner that he will realise his responsibilties to his children and if he never does then hey an individual stated that god forbid he was to lose life in an accident, even if we were still together and asked me " would you not cope?", god obviously knows i can and has my back! just pray that i have the necessary guidance to pull through.

Come on guys

Why are you exchanging words with someone who has an opinion formed about about Nigerians?

She is put under stress by 2 nigerian men( wondering why all of them are Nigerians though) and she probably believes that Nigerians stereoptype Jamos and is here to vent her anger on Nigerians. No point arguing with her. Whome is from Jamaica as well. They are here to give it to the bloody Nigerians hence the accussation and comparisons. She wants us to know that we are not better than the jamo girls when it comes to opening their legs or making women baby mamas. Point taken!