The mere fact that you are not having sex with him doesn't mean he's not doing the do with someone one else.


If you love him soo much, work with him to figure out how you can both be financially capable.  Come up with intersting and creative ideas,  maybe start a business with him. All is not lost and prayer is not all. You need to take action.

Money is not everything but its important in marriage.

How can you even sit here and talk about marriage who will pay for it ? YOU ? Oh no honey! Pls accept my sympathies. 

If he's a LOSER at 32 ,  wow! I suggest you find someone else. Pleease!   


He'll be 40 in couple of years,

I'm kinda bothered on what to write, because i don't want to make the guy feel bad if you leave him because of his inability to meet up.
You may break up today and he gets the best job around tommorrow. How will you feel
It may not be his fault since it is God that blesses a man, however i really want you to consider for how many years you can remain in this condition when you get married. After marriage, you will only find out that your financial commitment to your relationship tripples and if nothing comes from your partner, i tell you, you will feel crushed.
I know age is not on your side, but things could be bad and you will wish you were never married.
Before making a decision close your eyes on all the physical things and focus on God, ask Him to lead you, my sister He will.
I wish you the best.

AM GONNA START BY SAYING THIS IS THE SAME SITUATION THE GUYS FACE WHEN THEY HAVE A GIRL DAT makes ALL THIS DEMANDS ARE ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET THEM.
that said, i dont see failure in any individual, but rather check out if he has made a choice to fail.
aside the fact that luck has not smiled on him, is he naturally lazy?
am not asking you to tie urself into a situation that is choking, but dont u think right now he needs more of ur understanding and love.
wud u feel gr8 if he left u cos he percieves u as a financial burden.
sometimes we should realise that these material things we lookup to are not the things that hold a r/s.
maybe ur destiny says u have to struggle with him to be a better person, maybe not, i dont know,
but 1 thing i know is that whatever situation one finds himself now, is a temporal phase that wud pass away.
but only if the person involved makes an effort to change his circumstance.

Think about this for a minute: What will he do if you stop giving him any money ? both to him and his family ? Will he still claim to love you ?

Let him fend for himself,

posakosa:


Think about this for a minute: What will he do if you stop giving him any money ? both to him and his family ? Will he still claim to love you ?

Let him fend for himself,

Just do this. You said u have financed some business and he failed. if he cant secure a job, why is he flopping in biz too?

l was in this kind of situation about 8 years ago, l had to breakup after 6years when l could no longer find peace! lnstead of getting exciting about our getting married, l was afraid of uncertaintity. Mine didnt see anything wrong in collecting money from me. He even had the gut to tell me one day TO BEAR MY CROSS (hahaha the crossing of taking care him)

Baby follow ur mind, if you have inner peace go ahead, but if not, move on. The bible says when he gives a gift He doesnot add sorrow. lf this gift is making u sorrowful, its not worth it, it could be PITY.

Alternatively, you said u want to finance another business for him, do it first and see him perform and atleast stand to fend for himself before u go ahead!

All this women/girls taking care of their boy friend and crying I blame it on 9ja economy from personal experience which I will not narrate here 9ja men are the most hard working guys I have ever seen and known.

@poster follow your heart if you find peace doing it go on if not leave him instint never lie Good luck

It is very glaring that the love has gone cold and you are just struggling with your emotions.
It may be hurting but i know you want to move on
At 31 you should not be battling with sensitive issues of this nature
Move on and liberate yourself
He will be fine
Wishing u the best of luck

First I will like to say , please stop feeling like you need to be desperately married at 31 . take this thot and put it aside and it will help you to have clarity in your situation. As much as  Naija people like to feel like a woman is not a woman if she is not married by 30 , but this same naija pips will not live with you in you misery of marital life and will ridicule you if it ends in divorce

Do some soul searching , this guy is no longer a young buck , even if he can not secure good employment he should at least be able to feed and cloth himself and earn enough to get money for recharge card and transportation. If you were saying that he does not have a car or you have to pay rent cos his job does not meet up thats a different story.

Like someone else said he is nearly 40 and a fool at forty is a fool for life

You're looking for a crystal ball, you won't get one. I suggest you pray about it and seek divine guidance. You could break up with him and he hits gold and you end up looking like a loser. On the other hand you could stay with him and things continue to slide down hill with no change. Life is about taking chances, making decisions, making mistakes and dealing with regrets. What you should ask yourself is if the person you are with is a good human being! you're letting sentiment cloud your decision. You're a woman and you have ideals as a woman. All that man is doing is leeching of you. No real 'man' would be comfortable to sit back and be collecting money from a woman with the excuse of not finding a job. Even guys get bitter when ladies demand such from them, so at the end of the day it all boils down to what you can handle. At 32 and still nothing, even after attempts to help? Lady please, maybe you two are not meant to be together and you are trying your hand at controlling fate, stop!!! and let nature take its course.

Communication time!!!! Explain to him about your frustration and how you need time out to figure out if you can cope, a human being whose truly appreciative of what you've done for him will understand that it's not easy and give you some space albeit with reluctance at losing the one he 'loves'. On the other hand, If he gets nasty, then he's afraid of losing his meal ticket and don't be decieved otherwise. You mentioned you are turning 32, to me all that means is that now, more than ever, you shouldn't be afraid to take that chance to be happy, please take it and clear your mind.

Thanks all for such intelligent and well thought out replies especially to: ezinne1212, Pittbaby and LIMUEL. LIMUEL thanks but you got it all wrong, the love hasn't gone cold in any way and that's why I needed people devoid of emotions to help me sort this through. I love him and what I feel for him is definitely not pity. If it were, I sure wouldn't have found it difficult to move on.

The pain here is that this guy is really intellectually sound as well as knows how to carry himself well, but I don't understand why he's not just been able to secure a job for himself or make some money that will at least take care of him. Again, he seems to be loosing his confidence everyday as the day goes by. I love him and try to encourage him because I've got confidence in him but really, I don't want to be saddled into a life of poverty or near poverty not because I havn't done my bit but because I have to carry the responsibilities of a man and his family. It's scary.

You guys need to have a heart to heart, let him know that for the relationship to work things have got to change; starting with questions like
1) What really are your plans?
2) even if he cant get a job, what skills has he got?
3) if God forbid you lose your job today, how does he intend to fend for the family
4) He needs to get his family off your back for a start, he not you should be catering for the needs of his family afterall you're not even married yet.
5) All these excuse of joblessness dont wash, he needs to stand up and be a real man.
I for one believe if you truly love someone, that love would overcome all adversities, but then love is not often enough to sustain a relationship

@ Poster,

This post is sort or worrysome because you seem to be really into this guy yet, you're struggling with reality. This is the moment of truth, either you take on this guy and get prepared to have it very very rough financially until he can stand on his own, or you take that painful walk now and settle for someone else. Meanwhile, have it on your mind that since you say this guy is intelligent, he could get rich anytime and all the time you've waited for him and the monies you've spent on him just end up being a big waste. On the other hand, if you wait for him and even go ahead to marry him, what is the probability that he'll be able to make any money soon and take care of you. It may be a long long wait or a wait that may never come to an end.

It's your call girl, take it or leave it.

One last word of advice, if you know you'll marry him anyways, go ahead and marry him now. Marraige, I hear brings blessings.
All the best.

sincerely the best advice was offered by yimiton,its a world of ifs,you work out today and he makes the next minute,it will be all regrets.my advice is if he is educated and intilligent,i bet you most definitely he is going to make it,most times taking the easy way out aren't the best way to solve problems.its your call,this is only an advice.

Poster, I was in your situation before only that we were so much younger. I got tired of being the man bu han again, I keep saying to myself, its not his fault that he is poor and that he comes from a poor background. he did not ask for this. It was just meant to be. So I gave him some lum sum of money to start abusiness and he flopped it and seriously I felt like killing him cause I spend cold sweat getting that money!


In the end I came out with another sum of money and I started focusing with him on what can he do pracically. He said he is able to get computer and handphone spare parts. He did all the practical work and I did all the paper work to ensure that the business does not flops. I started evrything with him and even left my job for that.

Than soon we made our first profit. Now he is running alot of things by himself and getting the money and Im back to my job.

So I think the best way is for you two to work the first business together and when its stable, you let him do most of the things but ensure you check on the paper work (most men dont really care for that really) so its your job to look after it.

When he becomes successfull, always be at his side and support him and always tell him how intelligent and wonderful he is and tell him that he is the man! (They love that. LOL! )

See. . . Thats why they say in every successfull Man, theres always a woman behind it. I AGREE SERIOUSLY!

I feel for your guy and he really must be going through some though time as a man. I had a similar experience not too long. After my NYSC wahala, I had to stay at home while my babe got a job wihk Oceanic bank after we both finished our national servise. Initialy it was fine by me until things began to disintegrate. I became sort of a burden to her. I was taking money from her because my parents had jusr enough to fend for me at least for the time being and I sincerely love her. And just like yours, our relationship wasn't sexual because I often fling girls after sleeping with them. So I wantd to kep her for the Dday. Sad at it was, she stopped seeing me, taking my call and finally called one evening that she was moving on with her life because she felt she made a wrong choice when she sad yes to my proposal. Of course I was heart broken for a few weeks but then, just when she left, two weeks later, I had the first call from the six apptitude tests I taken. It was ETB that called first, then GTB, then PHB, the skye bank, then first bank, and then MOBIL did the blow. I was dazed! I kept it from her and she never border to call. I would call but she would not take my calls and when she does, she would say, yes how may I help you? painful and sad though but I had changed and life was better than when she was there. Then one saturday, I called as usual and surprisinly she said I just want to hear your voive and I said thanks . Usual pleasantries ensued like how is life and all that . Then I told her what God has done and she went numb and dropped the line. Since then my angel has been calling, calling ,calling but trust me, hard as it is, God has been helping me to ignore her calls.
Dear, I will advise you think twice before you quit. his story may be different from mine, but you don't leave people you love when they are in needs. It will be a betrayer of love for you to walk off except there is a prophet telling you the guy cannot make it in life. Pray with him and seek God deligently before you walk off. You may be in the right place or otherwise, how do you know, only God can tell you that. Life in the past six months for me, could not have been better. God can do much more for your love. Best wishes.

how mean of you mr. lola. now you no longer remember all she did till she got tired.
trying to show off your new position just to prove what?

why not take her call if only for the past goodness, isnt that how most of u guys are anyway?

if the guy hits it big today, i wonder if he will still remember how she was there for him even for a short time.

your good encouragement indeed!

If you continue footing his bill, he will never get so desperate to find a means for himself okay. So as not to be a grand looser as your instincts has told you, be careful how you spend. Your life is more important, plan your life and find better things to invest your money in.

chaircover:

I will only ask one question.

If you were 22, would you still continue to see this guy?

In other words dont rush into anything because you feel age isnt on your side.

Its better to get married at 35 than to be divorced at 35.

If you are having to think deeply about whether a guy is good for you or not, then he isnt good enough.

A broken relationship is much better than a broken marriage.

If you leave him now, you have not betrayed him but if you string him along just because you want a ring on your finger, and then make life difficult for him after marriage then that is unfair.

@Mr Lola please stop showing off and please don't tell lies on God O! it is you who have chosen not to take your ex-girlfriends calls and not God. After all when your ass was broke she gave you money & was there for you even if it was for one day, so why the big head now?

Seconded

hmmmmmmmmmmmm,

@ Chaircover, if I were 22, I'd stick with him because I won't be bothered by time.

@ Mr. Lola, I think you're rather mean, you don't leave a girl who stood by you through thin and thick because she got scared of her future and walked out. Remember the times she spent on you, let your conscience call you to caution, whoever you date today might tell you she would have stayed with you even if you didn't have a penny but it might just be a fat fat lie.

Finally, I'll say a big thanks to Gabry, . You said it all, you just helped me clear my head. I'll take the risk and stick with him. Thank God for blessing me with a good job, we shall go through this together and I hope I shall get back to you soon with success stories.

On a lighter  note, I didn't realize there were so many intelligent people on nairaland. when I used to read through posts before I joined, there used to be loads of insults and childish banter here. I must say, I'm impressed.

posakosa:

If he's a LOSER at 32 , wow! I suggest you find someone else. Pleease!


He'll be 40 in couple of years,

Simply cos he has no job at 32 is not enough justification to call him a loser, i have friends who i attended school with - we graduated from uni together like 10yrs ago and they still are searching for work. Word of advice, ask him to stop waiting for a job and start a trade or something. . . He can take a loan and start from somewhere small time, there are many things he can do, but in a few yrs time his business will mature if well managed.

@whitelexi,
tanx bro, u sure understand that one is not a failure unless he see's himself as 1.
if he is making an effort, then try to be supportive than bringing his bussiness here for NL to decide.

@poster to ur question - It honestly takes the grace of God to be the "MAN" financially in any relationship whether in terms of marriage or not! its only natural that u wld be frustrated at some point especially when you also ve pressing issues to deal with! ure only human, your fears are totally understandable! you begin to wonder is this ever going to end? is this how life would be when we get married?? some many questions & doubts & of course fear sets in! also considering the demands of his family & YES it can be overwhelming!

Its so important for both parties to bring to the table especially when marriage is involved! It all ends with U! if you say you love him & he loves you too!!!!! & you can keep at it at least till he gets something stable going on! then thats fine but if you feel the pressures is getting out of hand & you cannot cope then u also have an option to opt out of the relationship! ultimately its UR decision! & nobody has the right to criticize you for it!

You're turning 32, never ever feel pressured to be married at a certain age becos its what the "society" expects! you re an intelligent young woman! kill that mentality immediately! MEN can smell desperation from afar!!!!! i wish you the best in whatever decision you decide to take

Efficacy_c,

The only question you ask yourself is do you really love him? If you really do, than go for it! At times, when you want to have happiness, you really have to work your way up for it despite what happens.

The other day I was in church and a pastor was telling me about his love life. He told me that in his life, he respects his wife more than anyone else in the world. When they both were young, he comes from a poor background and his wife comes from a wealthy background. His nwife was the person that bought the house, the car, paid the bills to begin with cause she was in a better position to do so. And than his wife work together with him on a business and now he is running the business with the help of his wife. He said since than, he had always sworn to God that he would never hurt his wife. He would always stay faithful to her and will always love her more than he loved himself. Till this date, they have been married for 32 years. Their children had grown up and had successfull careers and one of their daughter took over the business and he became a pastor.

Let me tell u a story about my aunt. She is an Egyptian woman and she got married to my uncle. We are not blood related but I called them my second parents its because they have really helped my family alot through good and rough times. . . (Long story there due to religion). Anyways, my aunt was in LOndon when she studied for her degree and she met my uncle there. My uncle was basically broke. Anyways, they both fall in love and they got married and she paid for the wedding. And she had to work 3 jobs cause she wanted her husband to get a Masters Degree in Psychology and he did. IMAGINE! She work for his education, she work for the bills, she work for the marriage and she work for the family. That time they had one daughter. And after he graduated, they came back to Malaysia and because of his qualification, he became a General Manager for Shell. But something happen. . . Someone fraud him and he was decalred as bancrupt. Than my aunt had to work once again for the family and soon she told my parents about this and my father now took him as his business consultant. My father and his wife help him cleared up his bancruptcy. By next year his name should be cleared up and he will than be a politician of the country. The next thing he knew is that by next year, he will have alot of money and property and what did he do? He went to a lawyer and put everything under his wife and children's name and none for him its because he really appreciated them and he love his wife to the fullest for being with him through good and rough times.


So my dear, I hope these two stories would inspire you than intoday's modern society, its not the guys fault when he does not make it or when he has no money. At times, we the females have to know when to stomp in our feet and be with our man (thats if we really love and trust and want to have a fuiture with them). Good luck in your future endeavors and may God bless you through the right path of life. Stay bless sweety

@ poster
@kunbee
@hauwa
@chaircover

You can't eat your cake and have it, yeah it is true that the girl was with Mr lola for a long time, but at a point she made up her mind to leave, why? not because lola was abusing her, not because lola was cheating on her, not because lola was not serious about her but because it was becoming impossible for lola to get a sustainance.
Now tell me, what happens if further down the line God forbids lola looses his job, precedence shows that she will take a stroll again after careful consideration.
Its unfortunate but she failed the test.
And i think that is the problem with the poster, if she had a better option now, she most likely will leave her "lover" but because there is no better alternative she is struggling because she knows that there is a likelyhood of her man experiencing lola's fortune.
My take is, if you decide to leave a man or woman for any reason, then stick to it and don't start running back when tides change becaus that just shows how materialistic and covetous you are.

@lola
I hope you consider your relationship with the lady with a lot more objectivity rather than a nursed vendata

@poster,
Sincerely ,i'm speechless cos my elder sister is in this kind of situation but hers is a lil bit different from yours in that she was warned seriously after being given prophecy b4 going into the marriage but she kept saying time wasnt on her side and now she is regretting for taking such steps.You can have everything in life that you want if you will just help enough other people to get what they want.
Pls pray abt it.who knws,u might nt meant to be(just suggesting oo ).when u get to a crossroad and there seems to be no way,just call for divine intervention of "His Royal Majesty"
MyWord u hv, I hv spoken