Greetings to all. I have read so many related post on this forum and found this forum a forum for people with very constructive and analytical skills. I have an issue that has almost ruined my relationship of four years with my girl friend at the verge of getting married. right before we got dating, i had told her every thing about my family background, my position in the family and everything she needs to know about me. i also told her i will be very open to enable her know me better as i never had any bad intention towards her. i started dating her at 18 and now she is 22yrs while am 29yrs. i have three younger ones staying with me presently as my dad is late, one in ss2 preparing to write his waec next year, the second in jss3 which will go to budding school next yr and the last studies nursing about to graduate. my younger ones are very peaceful and love her so much. i have no doubt about her love for me and i soomuch love her as well but it happened that she called me from school one day and she told me that she asked more than 7 married women if living with me and my siblings was going to be a good idea and she never got any favorable response from them.as a result she cant get married to me in the near future unless they are grown ups. there was a time she affirmed again that i should never discuss anything that has to do with me getting married to her with any of her family member as she assumed we are just whiling away time because quiting the relationship was going to hurt her so much. there was a time we had issues and she said she was no longer interested in the relationship and i said she is free to go and later she called me to apologize. the story kept going on and on... she had to travel out out of the country and she came to spend days with me, she spent three weeks and one week was left for her to go. at that time my younger ones also had to resume school and she suggested i allow them stay with my elder brother until she leaves. how could i when my house was closer to their school and they already got prepared to resume their schools? i pleaded with her to understand as i already acknowledged my elder brother bringing them to my house. at the night before they came, she cried all through the night that she would have to go in the morning as their coming would affect her privacy which i pleaded with her and she insisted. we acted so much dramer to the extend that i carried her stuffs in the car to drive her to the park. later she considered it and changed her mind but said that i wont enjoy her week of staying with me and my siblings. i thought it was a joke but i witnessed all manner of attitude. getting upset with my younger ones at every little chance and with myself. 3 days into the week she started behaving better and we got talking. she told me that i should chose between her and my family if we must continue this relationship, also if we get married my siblings are only allowed to come spend holidays in our house but living with us was not going to be allowed. i told her am going to digest that and we talk about it. we never visited the case again until she had to travel, while taking her to the airport she reminded me and i told her we could discuss that on phone. just two days ago, we had a chat and she told me we could do a court wedding pending when we are ready to do church wedding. that she could come back and we have that done with a lawyer friend of mine secretly between us as she has being very nervous she could disappoint me. i asked if there was any body asking her fr a relationship and she said no. so i told her its a wonderful thing i should be happy about but would she be ready to live with me, my responsibilities considering the recent challenges she had staying with my siblings. her response was that she thought that's over because coming to stay for hols wont b a problem for her but living with us, she is not going to be part of that and if that's the case she is going to quit now with so much pains, tears ......... i have high tolerance for people, i am accomodating, very patient and calm. i have always hold her at high esteem and do my best to make her happy and feel loved but at this point, its going to be a full time quit that even if she wants to come back like she has always done AM NOT GONNA ACCEPT IT. Pls am i being selfish for not considering her suggestion? am i on the right path? i need your candid counsel pls.

Let her go bruv.. its literally your own family you should fight for them

I don't really blame her though, meanwhile take your decision and stick to it.

One thing u niggaz must understand is that, in as much as u have ur own principles & code of conducts so is ur partner. However what makes ur relationship interesting is the ability to adjust & be flexible

think about this.....you are all ur family has and one girl wants to take you away from them, that alone sir is wickedness.


for the sake of ur younger ones (whose future depend solely on u) pls reconsider this ur relationship. I believe ur parents, younger and elder ones have all made scrifices for the sake of the family, urs might be to walk away from this girl. This girl is up to no good and my humble opinion dnt even think of a court wedding..screet or open

Bros. Dont marry her because it would be a big issue after you are married

One thing u niggaz must understand is that, in as much as u have ur own principles & code of conducts so is ur partner. However what makes ur relationship interesting is the ability to adjust & be flexible...

Try & see beyond the obscurity of love.

Both of you don't have the same ideology when it comes to family. She has every right to live her life and her marriage the way she deems fit and you have every right to want to stay with your siblings. Neither of you is selfish, the best way out is to quit this relationship to avoid future nasty occurrences.

This is the problem i have with people, she is telling you what she wants and showing you who she is, same with you but y'all just acting like
it 's a situation that is going to solve itself.

I don't see this relationship working even if she agrees today just so she won't lose you, something will still come up.

All these by force relationships.
She doesn't want to live with relatives, you want to live with relatives.
Both of you are not married yet, so what's the confusion there?
Please, each person should go their separate ways if you both can't come to a compromise. Its not rocket science.
You'll both end up resenting each other if anyone coerces the other to give way by force.

See most of those u ppl ask advice on this NL are young without much life experience. I don't knw how u expect them to give u matured advice

While I completely understand her need for privacy, I don't endorse her asking you to choose between your family and her. Family, for me comes first.

Op, if you value your happiness and peace of mind, free her. It is better these things are propping up now because they will definitely be a big problem in marriage. Go your separate ways.

Let he who has ears listen

It's a genuinely tough one...feel for you bro',you sound so sincere, and committed to marriage. In the first instance, I actually agree with her - a newly married woman deserves privacy with her husband if at all possible.

You are equally committed to your family - and fulfilling your duty as elder and patriarch, I troway salute. At this point your family comes first, but if you decide to marry her, then she does.

I don't see how you will reconcile this unless she gives ground. And if she doesn't and you go ahead, it will only worsen after the formalities. What you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg.

Indeed, even if she agrees now, she can change, and I suspect she has an aversion to a closeness between you and your blood relatives that will surface long-term whatever the situation.

At best you may be able to arrange a long-term solution whereby they stay with someone else, and you give financial support. I wonder if this will go down well with her. I suspect she will not be happy for your money to be utilised in that way either.

Does she have any competing responsibilities/demands from her own family? Finally I will caution you to think hard about this. Are there other things that give you cause for concern. Don't let this issue blind you to other things, there may well be some.

I'm not comfortable with this one. Seek Gods face if you believe.


Best wishes
TV

86Vision:
Greetings to all. I have read so many related post on this forum and found this forum a forum for people with very constructive and analytical skills. I have an issue that has almost ruined my relationship of four years with my girl friend at the verge of getting married. right before we got dating, i had told her every thing about my family background, my position in the family and everything she needs to know about me. i also told her i will be very open to enable her know me better as i never had any bad intention towards her. i started dating her at 18 and now she is 22yrs while am 29yrs. i have three younger ones staying with me presently as my dad is late, one in ss2 preparing to write his waec next year, the second in jss3 which will go to budding school next yr and the last studies nursing about to graduate. my younger ones are very peaceful and love her so much. i have no doubt about her love for me and i soomuch love her as well but it happened that she called me from school one day and she told me that she asked more than 7 married women if living with me and my siblings was going to be a good idea and she never got any favorable response from them.as a result she cant get married to me in the near future unless they are grown ups. there was a time she affirmed again that i should never discuss anything that has to do with me getting married to her with any of her family member as she assumed we are just whiling away time because quiting the relationship was going to hurt her so much. there was a time we had issues and she said she was no longer interested in the relationship and i said she is free to go and later she called me to apologize. the story kept going on and on... she had to travel out out of the country and she came to spend days with me, she spent three weeks and one week was left for her to go. at that time my younger ones also had to resume school and she suggested i allow them stay with my elder brother until she leaves. how could i when my house was closer to their school and they already got prepared to resume their schools? i pleaded with her to understand as i already acknowledged my elder brother bringing them to my house. at the night before they came, she cried all through the night that she would have to go in the morning as their coming would affect her privacy which i pleaded with her and she insisted. we acted so much dramer to the extend that i carried her stuffs in the car to drive her to the park. later she considered it and changed her mind but said that i wont enjoy her week of staying with me and my siblings. i thought it was a joke but i witnessed all manner of attitude. getting upset with my younger ones at every little chance and with myself. 3 days into the week she started behaving better and we got talking. she told me that i should chose between her and my family if we must continue this relationship, also if we get married my siblings are only allowed to come spend holidays in our house but living with us was not going to be allowed. i told her am going to digest that and we talk about it. we never visited the case again until she had to travel, while taking her to the airport she reminded me and i told her we could discuss that on phone. just two days ago, we had a chat and she told me we could do a court wedding pending when we are ready to do church wedding. that she could come back and we have that done with a lawyer friend of mine secretly between us as she has being very nervous she could disappoint me. i asked if there was any body asking her fr a relationship and she said no. so i told her its a wonderful thing i should be happy about but would she be ready to live with me, my responsibilities considering the recent challenges she had staying with my siblings. her response was that she thought that's over because coming to stay for hols wont b a problem for her but living with us, she is not going to be part of that and if that's the case she is going to quit now with so much pains, tears ......... i have high tolerance for people, i am accomodating, very patient and calm. i have always hold her at high esteem and do my best to make her happy and feel loved but at this point, its going to be a full time quit that even if she wants to come back like she has always done AM NOT GONNA ACCEPT IT. Pls am i being selfish for not considering her suggestion? am i on the right path? i need your candid counsel pls.

ur wife can leave u wen you dont expect but family wil always be there for you.shes being selfish anf self centred. she lacks wisdom.

86Vision:
Greetings to all. I have read so many related post on this forum and found this forum a forum for people with very constructive and analytical skills. I have an issue that has almost ruined my relationship of four years with my girl friend at the verge of getting married. right before we got dating, i had told her every thing about my family background, my position in the family and everything she needs to know about me. i also told her i will be very open to enable her know me better as i never had any bad intention towards her. i started dating her at 18 and now she is 22yrs while am 29yrs. i have three younger ones staying with me presently as my dad is late, one in ss2 preparing to write his waec next year, the second in jss3 which will go to budding school next yr and the last studies nursing about to graduate. my younger ones are very peaceful and love her so much. i have no doubt about her love for me and i soomuch love her as well but it happened that she called me from school one day and she told me that she asked more than 7 married women if living with me and my siblings was going to be a good idea and she never got any favorable response from them.as a result she cant get married to me in the near future unless they are grown ups. there was a time she affirmed again that i should never discuss anything that has to do with me getting married to her with any of her family member as she assumed we are just whiling away time because quiting the relationship was going to hurt her so much. there was a time we had issues and she said she was no longer interested in the relationship and i said she is free to go and later she called me to apologize. the story kept going on and on... she had to travel out out of the country and she came to spend days with me, she spent three weeks and one week was left for her to go. at that time my younger ones also had to resume school and she suggested i allow them stay with my elder brother until she leaves. how could i when my house was closer to their school and they already got prepared to resume their schools? i pleaded with her to understand as i already acknowledged my elder brother bringing them to my house. at the night before they came, she cried all through the night that she would have to go in the morning as their coming would affect her privacy which i pleaded with her and she insisted. we acted so much dramer to the extend that i carried her stuffs in the car to drive her to the park. later she considered it and changed her mind but said that i wont enjoy her week of staying with me and my siblings. i thought it was a joke but i witnessed all manner of attitude. getting upset with my younger ones at every little chance and with myself. 3 days into the week she started behaving better and we got talking. she told me that i should chose between her and my family if we must continue this relationship, also if we get married my siblings are only allowed to come spend holidays in our house but living with us was not going to be allowed. i told her am going to digest that and we talk about it. we never visited the case again until she had to travel, while taking her to the airport she reminded me and i told her we could discuss that on phone. just two days ago, we had a chat and she told me we could do a court wedding pending when we are ready to do church wedding. that she could come back and we have that done with a lawyer friend of mine secretly between us as she has being very nervous she could disappoint me. i asked if there was any body asking her fr a relationship and she said no. so i told her its a wonderful thing i should be happy about but would she be ready to live with me, my responsibilities considering the recent challenges she had staying with my siblings. her response was that she thought that's over because coming to stay for hols wont b a problem for her but living with us, she is not going to be part of that and if that's the case she is going to quit now with so much pains, tears ......... i have high tolerance for people, i am accomodating, very patient and calm. i have always hold her at high esteem and do my best to make her happy and feel loved but at this point, its going to be a full time quit that even if she wants to come back like she has always done AM NOT GONNA ACCEPT IT. Pls am i being selfish for not considering her suggestion? am i on the right path? i need your candid counsel pls.

ur wife can leave u wen you dont expect but family wil always be there for you.shes just selfish nd self centred.

I don't kno why some ladies behave dis way. Whereas, dey can neva treat their own family lik dat. Dey lik creating problems for demselves.Ur siblings are your priority now, if she can't cope with dat, she's free to go.Any1 dat values family bond and been brot up frm good family background can not detest oda family.

Let her GO

This one is not easy, both of you have valid points. This is not a who is right or wrong issue.

I guess this is an example of irreconcilable differences.

If you are the praying type you can pray.









Why suggesting a secret wedding? that part confused me a bit.

Is she coming to build your family or to divide your family? If she can't accommodate your younger ones now that both of are still dating, what will happen when both of you becomes married? Please think of these questions before you finally make your decision of continuing with her or calling it a quite.

in yoruba land,you don't marry the spouse alone,you marry the entire family.

this is a glaring problem, why not solve it once, than believing it Will solve itself.

if she can't live with your family for the time being,let her take a walk.

blood most time is thicker than alcohol.

Bros why the secret court wedding? Don't fall for that biko.

Secondly, no one should make u choose between them and your family. She should know what she is walking into, it's either she accepts it or walk away.

There are some people like that, they don't do family. They are not being wicked. It's just who they are. Let her go, you will find someone who understands you and is ready to accept you and your family.
Getting married to her means unhappiness for both of you.

And I don't think she is matured enough to grab the full perception of marriage and it's attachments. Probably because of her age. You need a matured wife, cos of the role you are playing in your siblings life.
Don't let those kids down.

It is not wise to have relatives live with you permanently after marriage.
No matter the love, they will have some days of disagreement and those days they may not handle it as they will treat their own blood siblings.

You're not even accommodating one person but three. Haba you think am.
If three of her siblings come to stay with you guys permanently will you like it?
Don't think the marriage is all about you.

If you can get them accommodation elsewhere, then better do it. Or if you can wait like she said until they move out (which you don't know when it will be), then wait. But if not, let her go if she wants to go.

Once you guys get married, she becomes your number one family. And when you guys start your own family with your kids, trust me it will be a crowd. Nobody wants that.

And you're right to want to take care of your siblings since you're their oldest one.
Tough to be you but you have to decide.

P.S it will be hard for you to find a lady who is willing to start her new marriage with that kind of crowd.

Go with what you think is the priority for you now.

D lady in questn is still very young, so she's bound 2 reason dis way. If I were in ur shoes, nothing can seperate me 4rm my siblings. Dey're d only one's I love on dis planet earth.
I'll do anything 4 dem.

@86vision come to think of it, it's not even advisable to have people around like in the first year of marriage unless otherwise because it's like an advance form of courtship. You guys are going to use the bonding of that period to weather storms in the coming years.

Secondly, three people at once is too much for any one handle at a time. Please note that she loves you so the reason she wants that 'me and you time'.

You have your life to leave. I will advice you take a decision on what you can handle at the moment. From what I see you will have to stall any marriage plans and work towards settling your siblings and then marriage.

*No matter how tight your bond may be, you cannot all be together forever*

This is a serious one. Find a way of talking this out with her,find out what exactly she's afraid of and convince her that there won't be any problem. I'm very sure she has her reasons. Mine was third party interference and family secrets jumping around but when my husband assured me that there won't be any of such, I lovingly took 2 of my inlaws in and it has been wonderful living with them.

My case is just as the person i quoted. Op I suspect ur fiancee must have heard a lot of negativities concerning inlaws living with a newly wed couple. I dnt blame her tho but I bet to differ that not all cases are similar. Her case may be different if she sees it from another perspective. I'm surprised it was never an issue for her until she went seeking peoples opinion, too bad. If u on ur part can dissuade her fears, good for u but if it appears she's not, give her a long period of time to think things tro, see reality in its entirety b4 u decide on what next to do. Mind you make her understand how she would feel if she were to be in ur shoes and u are making demands of this nature on her.

toyeem:
This is a serious one. Find a way of talking this out with her,find out what exactly she's afraid of and convince her that there won't be any problem. I'm very sure she has her reasons. Mine was third party interference and family secrets jumping around but when my husband assured me that there won't be any of such, I lovingly took 2 of my inlaws in and it has been wonderful living with them.

...@op i actually feel for you cos i understand your love for your family.You can end the relationship and look for someone else though,its your call.

..but i can assure you that you will be hard-pressed to find a lady (not impoosible,but difficult cos most will pretend)who will be comfortable to have THREE of her husbands siblings liviing permanently with them from the get-go of the marriage.As in no privacy whatso-ever even if its for a year or two??..na wa .

....I personally wouldnt want THREE of my siblings on my husbands neck like that indefinately.It does not seem fair to me.We are not talking about holidays here,but permanent abode.

.,Anyway goodluck to you.

Waooo!! very wonderful contributions from every1. I value all your opinions. I understand the Guy that said some ladies are like that which is her place. she happens to be the last born of her family and elder ones all grown up. Also she likes clinging to me all the time and she feels having siblings around me would be distraction. she also believes frowning at my siblings could cause issues. though I respect both parties and when there issues, I don't react. I had rather speak to both parties differently at a quiet time. In all, I respect her views and as well don't blame her. she has sacrificed a lot for me and I have done more. I so much respect my views and believe as well. I feel bad she is badly hurt. same to me but QUIT is best to avoid future pains. let me settle my sibs. day wey go good d start from morning!!! thanks BRODAZ

I've been there and I must say that it wasn't a good experience.

op, please let her go, I truly understand her plight. It's good she told you cos most ladies will pretend and six months into the marriage will start having issues with you and your siblings.

Truly truly, three is a crowd
but u won't throw them away, so let her be. U can split them to other family members while you still take care of their financial needs.

cococandy:
It is not wise to have relatives live with you permanently after marriage.
No matter the love, they will have some days of disagreement and those days they may not handle it as they will treat their own blood siblings.

You're not even accommodating one person but three. Haba you think am.
If three of her siblings come to stay with you guys permanently will you like it?
Don't think the marriage is all about you.

If you can get them accommodation elsewhere, then better do it. Or if you can wait like she said until they move out (which you don't know when it will be), then wait. But if not, let her go if she wants to go.

Once you guys get married, she becomes your number one family. And when you guys start your own family with your kids, trust me it will be a crowd. Nobody wants that.

And you're right to want to take care of your siblings since you're their oldest one.
Tough to be you but you have to decide.

P.S it will be hard for you to find a lady who is willing to start her new marriage with that kind of crowd.

Go with what you think is the priority for you now.

i love your response....its easier said dan done...I love my privacy..I can't allow 3 of my husbands siblings to live with me..I can still allow maybe 1..starting a new marriage with that kind of a crowd?? u won't even be comfortable and teenagers of nowadays can be tasking....I can still make do with dem spending d holidays thou..but three of them staying I can't accept dat..especially with d way d economy is.

hyeeshat:
i love your response....its easier said dan done...I love my privacy..I can't allow 3 of my husbands siblings to live with me..I can still allow maybe 1..starting a new marriage with that kind of a crowd?? u won't even be comfortable and teenagers of nowadays can be tasking....I can still make do with dem spending d holidays thou..but three of them staying I can't accept dat..especially with d way d economy is.

The question is that do they have anywhere else to live?

These kids did her no wrong and she had no issue with them until she went seeking opinions outside.
Those kids are going to the boarding school according to the OP, they are gonna be around for the holidays in which they might not even spend all the holiday time with them. The third is in the school of nursing, that one will definitely have little or no time to come home sef...

I think if one has been in a situation where your elder ones are your only source of stability, then you will understand how scary it is to pull those kids out of that place.

Those kids need their elder brother, they lost their dad already.

Everybody is saying let her go which is probably best,I just want to give you a flip side to salvage your love.
You see,my family is or was pretty much like what you are about having. my dad was the eldest and all his siblings took turns to live with us like you and my mum tried to understand. My point is I understand her fears,firstly its going to be a new marriage and when push comes to shove,you would take your siblings' side as she would be like the odd one. Its the natural thing to do unlike if its just two of you and they visit,she would feel a sense of entittlement.
That said ,I think she needs to be assured of her position when heads start to roll, that you would not put your siblings first, that you would support her when there is agrument and not stay on the fence like you say you do. She needs authority!! So bro,you have got work to do. Believe me,her reaction is normal.