The similarities between a penis and a woman are profound. For example, sometimes they will get in the way, and sometimes they will embarrass you. And of course, whenever you take advice from them it ends in trouble. You always think yours is more attractive than anyone else’s, yet you can’t help glancing at another guy’s to compare, regardless of the fact that there is no way you’d touch. Sometimes they change shape and size for no apparent reason. They can make you so happy, but can also be fickle at exactly the wrong time. Their relations are nuts, but we tolerate them as a job lot, despite them being near enough to arseholes. They can be difficult first thing in the morning and as they get older sometimes can’t handle the piss. They can spit like a snake or splutter unimpressive dribble, you can never really anticipate which it will be. Some can be closer to your wallet than your heart, but they all like a good massage on a regular basis. In fact, at times they seem to be obsessed with being touched and fussed over, and really, some guys will obligue way too often. Wankers… They come in all shapes and sizes, the virtues of which are touted to ad nauseam, usually by people with a vested interest. But one thing we can all agree on is that it is better to have one than to not. So for these poor guys, there is no amount of pity that can be expressed. It makes you grateful for what you have, and makes you want to tell yours that you are glad they are with you, and that you will always care for them.