Before I Self Destruct (Then Days Went By)

I woke up at 5am, I got on my knees
I prayed, and said Amen, then felt for my D's
I look, I don't see you, I paused to review
I remembered pecking you, that was true

Your side of the bed, is unusually cold
Felt like you haven't slept, you aren't home
I scrambled to get my phone, I make a dial
I feel chills down in my bones, I force a smile

Your phone rings thrice, you wouldn't pick
I rubbed my eyes and blinked twice, I'm still asleep
I tried to recall midnight; I feel so weak
The goodnight kiss feels nice, I go to sleep

I called your mother, she said call later
Then she said don't bother, about my daughter
I called her other, he called me a gold chaser
Who talked was your brother, like a man oughta

I thought we was the best, opinions differ
I brought the gun to my chest, smoked a reefer
The gin I had laid to rest, I downed a litre
Some words off my chest, before I click the heater

You said I was secure, you only leave when you die
His intentions were pure, then days went by
You're all I had ever loved, I wish you well
Before I Self Destruct, see you in hell


©Jigs

Opinion loadiog

Joseph1832
Timpaker
Texanomaly
Firestar
noble4d
oahray
et all


criticise brutally please
need to sharpen my pen

timpaker:
Another good one from Jigs!
My brutal opinion. Lolz.

First, I don't understand the word "Ds" .

i meant D**k lol

Secondly, I believe the change in secondary rhymes in your second verse is intentional. I also observed you wrote as if the event has occurred and yet you used present tense(s) notable in verse 2 & 3 (especially verse 2 line 3 & 4).

I was trying to let the reader see what I was seeing in the shortest way possible. I think I should use present tenses all through. you?

Thirdly, I think there is a typo in verse 4 line 3, I guess you meant to write "brother" huh?

I meant other. her(mother) other is supposed to be her husband

Lastly, the poem depicts a heartbroken fella, lonely and depressed that his lover left him... But seeing her in hell is suicidal....... Oops! Yeah, before I self destruct..... I get it.

Extra: I so much love your poetry collections on " Before I Self Destruct" and your writing style is dope and hood!

tuale Boss!

Before I Self Destruct (Then Days Went By)

Woke by 5am,
And got on my knees
Prayed and said Amen,
Then felt for my D's
I search, but don't see you,
I paused to review
Remembered pecking you,
That was true

Your side of the bed,
Is unusually cold
Felt like you haven't slept,
You aren't home
I scrambled for my phone,
I made a dial
I felt chills down to my bones,
And forced a smile

Your phone rings thrice,
You wouldn't pick
I rubbed my eyes,
And blinked twice,
I'm still asleep
Tried to recall midnight;
I felt so weak
The goodnight kiss felt nice,
I went to sleep

I called your mother,
She said call later
Then she said don't bother, about my daughter
I called her other,
He called me a gold chaser
Who talked, was your brother, Like a man oughta

I thought we were the best,
But opinions differ
Brought the gun to my chest, Smoked a reefer
The gin I had laid to rest,
I downed a litre
Some words off my chest, Before I click the heater

You said I was secure,
You'll only leave when you die
His intentions were pure,
Then days went by
You're all I had ever loved,
I wish you well
Before I Self Destruct,
See you in hell





© Jigs

My critique.

Nice Jigs. I noticed you used internal rhymes, rather than your usual end or slant rhyme. Why the change?

joseph1832:
Nice Jigs. I noticed you used internal rhymes, rather than your usual end or slant rhyme. Why the change?

checking if I still had that rhyming skill