Dusk
The day has suddenly become Dusk. Like an eclipse in midday. How fast bad news travels,like the speed of light, bellowing into homes like the roaring thunder, announcing the death of Rose, my sister. She was just ten. A rose plucked before her bloom, she was cursed by the epileptic lord,chosen to serve his selfish needs, but my sister often disobeyed, rebelled and the god would go berserk, throw Rose into a fit of nervous disarray, her body betrays her, twisting like a cobra in a disjointed ball, that would make even the most daring gymnast green with envy, her eyes would roll back into the socket as if, hiding from the monster that seeked to claim her soul, her teeth clenching, holding back profanity else her pain be made worse.
I had known instantly that our playful embrace had gone sour, her nails were digging into my little spine, drawing blood and pain but I didn't mind, for I knew that the demon was at it again,
"Rose... Rose", I called my voice echoing the desperation, I felt. I watched as she wriggled in pain, her face twisted like squeezed tissue paper, her pain was tangible, I could almost touch it,
"Yeptka... No.. Tatakoo, no.. ", Rose murmured, her words incomprehensible, but her pain had its own voice, stifling her breath like noose on a condemned.
I reached towards her, held her with all my strength just like papa had taught me, but my 7year old arm couldn't hold her down, it was as though she possessed the strength of a million men.
She was jerking convulsively,she kicked the table, the jug came crashing, water splashed on the tiled ground, as though following its trail, Rose edged towards the stairs and went gliding down the stairs,I was screaming at the top of my lungs, running right behind her, I held her sleeves, but like someone destined to drown, she slipped off, crashing through metal rails and concrete stairs and rolled into the waiting arms of papa.
Her teeth were clenching, papa was screaming.
"Someone get me spoon ", papa roared. I collided with mama in the frantic haste to reach the kitchen, but by the time, we got back in split seconds, papa had already ducked his index finger into Rose's mouth, anything to prevent her teeth from clasping. Mama was sprinkling red oil on rose's forehead as she was offering prayers to the Virgin Mary. I was looking at rose's face, something was different,gravelly wrong. I just felt it, like a part of me leaving, I saw rose's eye become lifeless, goosebumps enveloped me, casting a shadow of grief on my young memory, mama was crying bitterly now, hope was clearly lost, papa's finger was cut off, he was bleeding profusely, the other part was buried behind the clasped teeth of my sister, if papa felt any pain, he didn't show it, he just sat nodding as neighbors offered their condolences,refusing offers, to have his finger bandaged.
It was strange how moments can separate life and death, I looked at my wrist, it was still there, the red bracelet, Rose had given me moments ago, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I didn't even know how I still stood, how my knee could still hold me, I wondered how my heart could still beat or how my nose could breathe, life is supposed to end today, every single one of us, it is either death or we fight this epileptic lord and get my sister back.
It was when mama's hand reached for me, I held on to her like a dying man holding the tiniest shred to reality, I walked into her embrace and together we cried brokenly, mourning our Rose crushed under the heels of the epileptic god.
With love,
Chioma Ngaikedi.

I don't know why I read this at midnight. No, it's not horrific, it's just funny how darkness fuels grief. I can only hope, ngaz, that no part of this piece will fail to be fiction. Shock me, did this happen? I've heard a lot about epileptic seizures but this is the first time I'll witness one. Your descriptions are just as vivid as it would be if I watched one two yards away from where I stand, if they are not a little bit more.

I'd have loved to point out a few things I noticed that you might want changed if you did too, but I feel morally obliged not to do that until I have your permission. This might just mean so much more to you than commas and full stops.

@llaykorn it's my immense pleasure that you read my work and even more so, you appreciated it. I am blown away.

However, I have been told alot of times that I have more to learn especially in grammatical construction and I am ready to learn because I want to go a long way in literature.

Kindly, point out my errors. And if the stars smile on me, take me up as my tutor to teach me how to be a better writer.

I have gone through your works. You are truly talented. I fight daily to sieve my admiration of every envy. Lolz. One love.

nice one bαe.....

llaykorn:
Your descriptions are just as vivid as it would be if I watched one two yards away from where I stand, if they are not a little bit more.

thats how it always be whenever one is reading a well creative(i mean fiction base on reality)story with full perticepation of the mind.every carracter and action reading by yourself begins to form image just like watching a movie.thats one of the reason why i like reading books.

You really write well.. nice one

Ngaz

'm sorry this is coming late; I've had a busy week. I wish I could organize it better, though. Let me know when you get this so I can modify.



The day has suddenly become Dusk. Like an eclipse in midday. How fast bad news travels, like the speed of light, bellowing into homes like the roaring thunder, announcing the death of Rose, my sister. She was just ten. A rose plucked before her bloom, she was cursed by the epileptic lord, chosen to serve his selfish needs, but my sister often disobeyed, rebelled and the god would go berserk, throw Rose into a fit of nervous disarray,

(I recommend a full stop there.)

her body betrays (betrayed) her, twisting like a cobra in a disjointed ball,

(no comma: there is no need for a comma after the relative pronouns. Eg, This is a book which will make me not sleep. There is no need for a comma after 'which'.)

that would make even the most daring gymnast green with envy,

(I recommend another full stop here. A reader would think you're deliberately trying to be stingy with sentences. Lol. Bringing up a new subject (her eyes), I think, necessitates a new sentence. If you want to combine into one compound sentence, 'and' could be used instead of the comma.)

her eyes would roll back into the socket (their sockets) as if, hiding from the monster that seeked to claim her soul, her teeth clenching, holding back profanity else her pain be made worse.

(There is no need for a comma after 'as if', really. And I think it's more correct to come up with the subject again after using 'as if'. So that would be: "as if SHE WAS hiding". Glance through the examples here:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/as-if-though)


I had known instantly that our playful embrace had gone sour, her nails were digging into my little spine, drawing blood and pain but I didn't mind, for I knew that the demon was at it again. "Rose... Rose", I called my voice echoing the desperation, I felt.

(I was hesitant to assume you had a special love for the comma, lest I choke on false beliefs. You just confirmed it. Lol. Imagine I walked up to you and said, 'This is the book I bought', inserting a slight pause between 'I' and 'bought'. That sure would sound awkward. Separating the object from the verb and subject with a comma is equivalent to inserting the pause up there. This is all about the comma between 'desperation' and 'I felt'.)

I watched as she wriggled in pain, her face twisted like squeezed tissue paper, (I recommend a full stop here and starting another sentence with 'her pain') her pain was tangible, I could almost touch it.
"
Yeptka... No.. Tatakoo, no.. ", Rose murmured, her words incomprehensible, (full stop) but her pain had its own voice, stifling her breath like noose on a condemned.

I reached towards her, held her with all my strength just like papa

('papa' should start with a block letter. It's actually a proper noun)

had taught me, but my 7year old arm couldn't hold her down, it was as though she possessed the strength of a million men.

('it was as though' should be the start of another sentence. It is another idea being expressed.)

She was jerking convulsively, (full stop or 'and) she kicked the table, (full stop) the jug came crashing, water splashed on the tiled ground, (no comma before introducing 'as though' and no comma after it) as though (it was) following its trail, Rose edged towards the stairs and went gliding down the stairs, (full stop) I was screaming at the top of my lungs, running right behind her, (full stop)I held her sleeves, but like someone destined to drown, she slipped off, crashing through metal rails and concrete stairs and rolled into the waiting arms of papa. (Papa)

(The same note about commas. Create compound sentences with conjunction and not a cluster of commas if you're that writer who hates short sentences. I feel they're cute, anyway.)

Her teeth were clenching, papa was screaming.

"Someone get me spoon ", papa roared. I collided with mama in the frantic haste to reach the kitchen, but by the time, we got back in split seconds, papa had already ducked his index finger into Rose's mouth, (semi colon) anything to prevent her teeth from clasping. Mama was sprinkling red oil on rose's forehead as she was offering prayers to the Virgin Mary. I was looking at rose's face, something was different,gravelly wrong. I just felt it, like a part of me leaving, (full stop) I saw rose's (Rose) eye become lifeless, (and or full stop) goosebumps enveloped me, (full stop) casting a shadow of grief on my young memory, (full stop) mama was crying bitterly now, (and, full stop or semi colon) hope was clearly lost,(you know) papa's finger was cut off, (hahahah, full stop again) he was bleeding profusely, (and) the other part was buried behind the clasped teeth of my sister, (full stop) if papa felt any pain, he didn't show it, (full stop) he just sat nodding as neighbors offered their condolences,refusing offers, (no comma)to have his finger bandaged.

(Firstly, the verb 'clench' is a transitive verb and cannot be used without an object. 'She clenched her teeth' work fine and replacing the verb with an intransitive one like 'contract' would work too. Secondly, your usage of the past continuous tense for both verbs is quite unusual. It's more common to use the past tense for both parts of the sentence, or the past continuous tense for the first verb, and the past tense for the second part. The same thing applies to 'I was LOOKING at Rose's face'. If it's not for the sake of answering a question that was asked with the past continuous tense, it's very strange to narrate an incident using the past continuous tense alone. It would have been correct if something happened while you looked, and that would come with the past tense.)

It was strange how moments can separate life and death, (full stop) I looked at my wrist, it was still there, the red bracelet, (no comma) Rose had given me moments ago, (full stop) my heart was breaking into a million pieces, (full stop) I didn't even know how I still stood, how my knee could still hold me, (full stop) I wondered how my heart could still beat or how my nose could breathe,(full stop) life is supposed to end today, every single one of us, it is either death or we fight this epileptic lord and get my sister back.
It was when mama's (Mama's) hand reached for me, (no comma) I held on to her like a dying man holding the tiniest shred to reality, (no comma) I walked into her embrace and together we cried brokenly, mourning our Rose (insert a relative pronoun) crushed under the heels of the epileptic god.

Once again, this is a captivating story. It's the kind that never fails to win short story contests (I've been in many; never won one). You'll just have to do some work on punctuation, and you're there, gbam! I've just added a thousand pages to my book of thrilling expressions from reading this. Keep writing!

joanee20:
You really write well.. nice one

Thanks dearie

llaykorn:
Ngaz

'm sorry this is coming late; I've had a busy week. I wish I could organize it better, though. Let me know when you get this so I can modify.



The day has suddenly become Dusk. Like an eclipse in midday. How fast bad news travels, like the speed of light, bellowing into homes like the roaring thunder, announcing the death of Rose, my sister. She was just ten. A rose plucked before her bloom, she was cursed by the epileptic lord, chosen to serve his selfish needs, but my sister often disobeyed, rebelled and the god would go berserk, throw Rose into a fit of nervous disarray,

(I recommend a full stop there.)

her body betrays (betrayed) her, twisting like a cobra in a disjointed ball,

(no comma: there is no need for a comma after the relative pronouns. Eg, This is a book which will make me not sleep. There is no need for a comma after 'which'.)

that would make even the most daring gymnast green with envy,

(I recommend another full stop here. A reader would think you're deliberately trying to be stingy with sentences. Lol. Bringing up a new subject (her eyes), I think, necessitates a new sentence. If you want to combine into one compound sentence, 'and' could be used instead of the comma.)

her eyes would roll back into the socket (their sockets) as if, hiding from the monster that seeked to claim her soul, her teeth clenching, holding back profanity else her pain be made worse.

(There is no need for a comma after 'as if', really. And I think it's more correct to come up with the subject again after using 'as if'. So that would be: "as if SHE WAS hiding". Glance through the examples here:
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/as-if-though)


I had known instantly that our playful embrace had gone sour, her nails were digging into my little spine, drawing blood and pain but I didn't mind, for I knew that the demon was at it again. "Rose... Rose", I called my voice echoing the desperation, I felt.

(I was hesitant to assume you had a special love for the comma, lest I choke on false beliefs. You just confirmed it. Lol. Imagine I walked up to you and said, 'This is the book I bought', inserting a slight pause between 'I' and 'bought'. That sure would sound awkward. Separating the object from the verb and subject with a comma is equivalent to inserting the pause up there. This is all about the comma between 'desperation' and 'I felt'.)

I watched as she wriggled in pain, her face twisted like squeezed tissue paper, (I recommend a full stop here and starting another sentence with 'her pain') her pain was tangible, I could almost touch it.
"
Yeptka... No.. Tatakoo, no.. ", Rose murmured, her words incomprehensible, (full stop) but her pain had its own voice, stifling her breath like noose on a condemned.

I reached towards her, held her with all my strength just like papa

('papa' should start with a block letter. It's actually a proper noun)

had taught me, but my 7year old arm couldn't hold her down, it was as though she possessed the strength of a million men.

('it was as though' should be the start of another sentence. It is another idea being expressed.)

She was jerking convulsively, (full stop or 'and) she kicked the table, (full stop) the jug came crashing, water splashed on the tiled ground, (no comma before introducing 'as though' and no comma after it) as though (it was) following its trail, Rose edged towards the stairs and went gliding down the stairs, (full stop) I was screaming at the top of my lungs, running right behind her, (full stop)I held her sleeves, but like someone destined to drown, she slipped off, crashing through metal rails and concrete stairs and rolled into the waiting arms of papa. (Papa)

(The same note about commas. Create compound sentences with conjunction and not a cluster of commas if you're that writer who hates short sentences. I feel they're cute, anyway.)

Her teeth were clenching, papa was screaming.

"Someone get me spoon ", papa roared. I collided with mama in the frantic haste to reach the kitchen, but by the time, we got back in split seconds, papa had already ducked his index finger into Rose's mouth, (semi colon) anything to prevent her teeth from clasping. Mama was sprinkling red oil on rose's forehead as she was offering prayers to the Virgin Mary. I was looking at rose's face, something was different,gravelly wrong. I just felt it, like a part of me leaving, (full stop) I saw rose's (Rose) eye become lifeless, (and or full stop) goosebumps enveloped me, (full stop) casting a shadow of grief on my young memory, (full stop) mama was crying bitterly now, (and, full stop or semi colon) hope was clearly lost,(you know) papa's finger was cut off, (hahahah, full stop again) he was bleeding profusely, (and) the other part was buried behind the clasped teeth of my sister, (full stop) if papa felt any pain, he didn't show it, (full stop) he just sat nodding as neighbors offered their condolences,refusing offers, (no comma)to have his finger bandaged.

(Firstly, the verb 'clench' is a transitive verb and cannot be used without an object. 'She clenched her teeth' work fine and replacing the verb with an intransitive one like 'contract' would work too. Secondly, your usage of the past continuous tense for both verbs is quite unusual. It's more common to use the past tense for both parts of the sentence, or the past continuous tense for the first verb, and the past tense for the second part. The same thing applies to 'I was LOOKING at Rose's face'. If it's not for the sake of answering a question that was asked with the past continuous tense, it's very strange to narrate an incident using the past continuous tense alone. It would have been correct if something happened while you looked, and that would come with the past tense.)

It was strange how moments can separate life and death, (full stop) I looked at my wrist, it was still there, the red bracelet, (no comma) Rose had given me moments ago, (full stop) my heart was breaking into a million pieces, (full stop) I didn't even know how I still stood, how my knee could still hold me, (full stop) I wondered how my heart could still beat or how my nose could breathe,(full stop) life is supposed to end today, every single one of us, it is either death or we fight this epileptic lord and get my sister back.
It was when mama's (Mama's) hand reached for me, (no comma) I held on to her like a dying man holding the tiniest shred to reality, (no comma) I walked into her embrace and together we cried brokenly, mourning our Rose (insert a relative pronoun) crushed under the heels of the epileptic god.

Once again, this is a captivating story. It's the kind that never fails to win short story contests (I've been in many; never won one). You'll just have to do some work on punctuation, and you're there, gbam! I've just added a thousand pages to my book of thrilling expressions from reading this. Keep writing!

I read your piece as I was eating dinner,i almost choked on my food,hahhahahaha. You should be on stage with basketmouth and I go dye.

I totally agree with you, I have this special live for comma. You see, a certain writer that I respect advised me recently to include commas in my works, na him, I come overdo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hahahhahaha.

Also for the past continuous and past tenses mix up, hmm. I don't even know how to begin to correct that one, when these stories come, I am often too eager to capture it as it comes.

Until some three months ago, I used to think that writing was only about a fantastic plot.. And as a filmmaker, I went into my chamber and began to search for dramatic stories.
Now,i have been made to understand that writing has volumes of rules that separates amateurs from experts. And trust me, I don't want to be an amateur,and learning all the rules will take me years. # crying.

So much for wanting to be like chiamanda and Margaret Atwood, they didn't mention that their achievements no be beans.

So, this cross is heavy o. The rules are much. I have over 40 opened site on my phones,all on grammatical rules for creative writing, I am dialogue tag rules, tenses, punctuation etc. My head is aching sef.
I just wish I can find an editor, let the person Handle the hard stuffs, but that would make me half baked, right?

I will keep learning. Keep growing and praying. And I will be glad if you will help me in this journey..
Thanks alot.

ngaz:


Thanks dearie

You welcome