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Funniest Jokes Ever - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

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Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 3:11pm On Nov 01, 2016
I wonder how people can be this funny...
Imagine two guys fighting and i tried to make things right.

But when i hear the cause of the fight i couldn't help it... HOW WILL YOU BORROW YOUR FRIENDS CLOTHE AND SLIM FIT IT

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Josephnice: 3:17pm On Nov 01, 2016
This is truly funny
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 3:27pm On Nov 01, 2016
ME: Hi cutie

HER: Hi

ME: I think You are cute

HER: Thank you

ME: can i go out with you on Friday ?

HER : What do you do for a living?..

ME: I analyze and invest in risky business opportunities that has possibility of high returns..

HER : Wow, that's amazing..so like stock exchange or Something like that?.

ME: Bigger than that, I deal with international investment, analyzing and investing in business opportunities around England, Spain, Germany just to mention a few..

HER : ​smiling​ OK, that explains your good looks all through!..

If only she knew i was talking about Bet9ja

3 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 3:33pm On Nov 01, 2016
FIFA POST ON FACEBOOK*
*'Messi, Neymar and Ronaldo are the 3 finalists of this years BALLON D'OR.'*
*Zlatan Ibrahimovic,Luis Suárez and 3,510,945* others likes this.
*ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC*: LOL, Ronaldo again will sit in front to watch messi receive it.
*MARIO BALOTELI*: haha Zlatan, just like the way you get invited to watch others receive the PUSKAS AWARD.
*WAYNE ROONEY:* Why always you Balotelli? Why always talk shit?
*JAMIE VARDY*: LOOL and some people are paid £300k per week to say only that? Waste of me.
*EDEN HAZARD*: Lool, Vardy,it took you 28 years to come up with that?
*LUIS SUAREZ*: is that you hazard? I thought you were better than Ronaldo? You should be in that list.
*PATRICE EVRA*: No racism please.
*IVANOVIC*: Suárez sucks, like for real, he sucks, ask Chiellini.
*DAVID DE GEA:* LOOL, Ivanović you sound a bitter man,guess you still mourning over the sacking of your bitch,EVA CARNEIRO.
*KARIM BENZEMA:* LOOL, De Gea, do you still eat taccos? hehe you ate taccos till you forget you were supposed to sign for Madrid, hehe time waits for no man. Anyways its none of my business.
*ASHLEY YOUNG:* HAHA, Benzema,its none of your business,we all know your business, you selll sextapes.
*JACK WILSHERE:* Ashley Young you DIVED on my comment. Was about to say that.
*DIEGO COSTA*:HAHAHA sick people cant think of their own comments. Get well soon Jack Wilshere.
*ANGEL DI MARIA*: hey Costa, be a human even for once. you like throwing silly things at everyone. its not a fight. take it easy.
*GERARD PIQUE:* some people who are controlled by their wives like Di Maria should not contribute in men issues.
*DALEY BLIND:* haha Pique,.Shakira controls you like a kid,we all see that everyday.
*MESUT OZIL:* LOOL, Blind,so you can also see things?
*ROBIN VAN PERSIE:* OZIL always the generous one,always assisting other,now you want to assist blind with part of your big eyes?
*ARSENE WENGER:* LOOOOL, Van Persie is that you,how old is the little boy inside you this days? Is he still crying?
*JOSE MOURIHNO*: I was waiting for the specialist in failure, always whining about nothing.
*VAN GAAL:* MOURIHNO are you complaining or blaming someone?
*PEP GUARDIOLA:* HAHAHA i was just PASSING AROUND,then i saw Van Gaal's comment,i PASSED out, anyway let me pass on.
*DAVID MOYES*: i have no clue what is going on here. is there any vacant club? am jobless.
*ROMAN ABRAMOVICH:* hey moyes, hit my inbox pap,we talk business.
*BRENDAN ROGDERS:* I too, am looking for a club.
*STEVEN GERRARD:* hahaha who will employ you?
*JOHN TERRY*: ouch gerrard, you so mean,but guess that SLIPED from your head too.
*WAYNE BRIDGE*: hey guys tell your girlfriends to log off, john terry is here.

2 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 3:40pm On Nov 01, 2016
Hey hey hey
TYPES OF SLAPS:
There are 6 major types of slaps, they are:
1)TAKE AWAY SLAP: This is a situation where someone gives you a dirty slap and all you do is hold your face and walk away, this kind is normally received by newly born again Christians.

2)RESOUNDING SLAP: This is when after you're hit, u keep hearing some funny sound in your brain like wiiiiiiiiiii, and voices and your head singing skelewu.

3) FORMATTING SLAP: This is the type that makes someone forget instantly what he or she was doing, you find yourself asking questions like " what did I do?" " who slapped me? This type is very common, it is a slap from guys who are stronger than you.

4) EXPLANATION SLAP: When someone gives you this kind, you find yourself explaining the situation to the nearest person out of your own accord. E.g.. Bros, abi you dey watch? I no do anything o, I just dey pass go my somewhere. This is a slap from soldiers that have missed promotion for a long time.

5) FIXED DEPOSIT SLAP: When you receive this kind, all you do is just stand right where you are and watch the person walk away. This is slap from elder brothers.

6)RHETORICAL SLAP: The moment you download this slap u start asking questions that don't need reply " you slapped me?..
Don't Ever Be a Victim To Any!!

2 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Edwinmason(m): 3:59pm On Nov 01, 2016
the football joke very funny.

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 9:51pm On Nov 01, 2016
​10 Annoying Things People Do In A Whatsapp Group​

1. The Copy and Paste Masters: 
These set of people, would remain silent in the group waiting for a message to paste. All those annoying messages that ends with "send to 20 people and you will receive good news next week in your life" As if God now have a Whatsapp account. 

2. THE NUMBER STEALERS :
These set of people, won't even do the courtesy of " hi" or "sup" they will just go to group info and start collecting number of opposite sex with cute D.P.
Then you will receive a message like this "hi, am Dapo, I got your number from yoruba STUDENTS GROUP" as if that explain why you should collect my number in the first place. 

3. INTERNET PREACHERS: 
These set of people are the holier than thou people, all they do is to send a long sermon with different Bible verse and a prayer at the end. 
Knowing fully well that 95% of the Group participants won't read their epistle talk less of bringing out their Bible to read the verses.

4. GROUP COMPLAINERS : 
these set only type something in the group to inform you that you people are finishing his/her MB or that you people are killing his/her Battery.

5. PICTURES GURUS: 
These set of people, you find almost in every Whatsapp Group. they won't chat, they won't greet, they post only pictures in the group then they leave. Next day they come online they post another picture then they leave again.

6. OBSERVERS CLUB: 
These are the people that no matter what, they will never type anything in the group. If you like call their names a thousand times, they won't reply, yet they are in the group, year in year out. And they read virtually everything that happens there.

7. ANTI GROUP: 
these set of people are against anything called a group page, once you include them in a group, its like you have stabbed them in the heart. 
The first and last thing they will say in the group is "who created this group self" then next thing you will see is 08031391*** left.

8. BOSSY ADMIN: 
how I hate these set of Admins, as if Whatsapp pays them for the job they are doing. Always giving orders here and there. And they don't fail to let you know that they can remove you from the group.

9. ONLINE MARKETERS: 
Sometimes I wonder how much they make from disturbing people with fake links like "learn how to make 200,000 monthly by just pressing your phone" or " get 10gig for just N1000 " as if na their Papa get MTN 

10.UNNECESSARY CHATS 

This to me is the most annoying of them all, these set of people mostly two or three persons, and they will start discussing matters that are private or personal to them in a group page, matters that no matter how hard you try you won't understand because you were not there when the incident happened. Yet they will bring such discussion to[color=#990000][/color] a group page.

*Please which Set are you angry

2 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Nobody: 11:18am On Nov 02, 2016
[quote author=hardeife3 post=50691208]​10 Annoying Things People Do In A Whatsapp Group​

1. The Copy and Paste Masters: 
These set of people, would remain silent in the group waiting for a message to paste. All those annoying messages that ends with "send to 20 people and you will receive good news next week in your life" As if God now have a Whatsapp account. 

2. THE NUMBER STEALERS :
These set of people, won't even do the courtesy of " hi" or "sup" they will just go to group info and start collecting number of opposite sex with cute D.P.
Then you will receive a message like this "hi, am Dapo, I got your number from yoruba STUDENTS GROUP" as if that explain why you should collect my number in the first place. 

3. INTERNET PREACHERS: 
These set of people are the holier than thou people, all they do is to send a long sermon with different Bible verse and a prayer at the end. 
Knowing fully well that 95% of the Group participants won't read their epistle talk less of
Hahahahahaha. Nice one.

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 1:34pm On Nov 02, 2016
That moment when your phone
ba3 is on 3%...then Nepa brings the light
around 1:00am and you wake up coincidentally
and then you plug it to your socket.
Then you wake around 8:00am and diaz still
light and you check your phone it's still on 3%
Bcus you didn't switch the socket O
[color=#000000][/color]As u switch it on...den Nepa Na takes the
light. My Friend u need dry fasting grin

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 1:40pm On Nov 02, 2016
Letter from Sikira Ibadan Bae to her boo

Dear Michael, longs time low see. If they say is water that will cook fish finish, I will not belif it. Is this how other lofers are behafe to their Bae ? U haf refus to call me for the past one mount. and if I tries ur number, mtn will be say your numba is unreach, is unreach.

You refus to fisit me me efen when u ear that my father haf contract guinea worm. Is this how to treat ur in-laws? I know we haf not marry but I know uer my horseband from heafen. Efri day when I am wake up, uer the first person I see. Roshida tell me for last week that she see u with one girl in front of Mr big. She efen tell me that u hug together. If u think u can leaf me uer decive urself. Michael, Michael, how many times I call u? It will not be better for anybody that wan to scatter our middle.


Any way the mane purpose of my letter is to tell u that I haf tooken in for u. I go for testing yesterday to confarm it. My grandmoomi talk that it be like am carrying twins. I haf been fery fery happy since yesterday. I haf give the twins name o......sifau and musibau. I don't sure if u like it. Come n see me tomorrow because I am fery weak now.

Silifa, my younger sister, cames home with her boyfriend yesterday.if u see d boy,very beautiful but not up to you sha.he also get a swagger. I want u to get one too.

Left I forget, please dont forget to send the money for the aso-ebi for anti taiba's naming o. The color is red and yellow.Red for the 'buba', and yellow for the 'iro'. They said we can use any color for the 'gele'. But me I want to use blue. I will now wear that my green curf shoe. I cannot wait to send you the photo.

My lof, ten is happening in this world o. dont say I am the one that tell you o.i hear that it's not anti taiba's horseband that gif her the belle that she use to born the pregnancy. True true, the baby is not resemble him. But what consign me?
I have tell efribody that my boyfriend is a dokto and they eager to see u.

Yours frightfully. .Sikira

2 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 1:41pm On Nov 02, 2016
HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER IS A NIGERIAN;
.
1) When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!"

2) When you ask her where you should drop something and she
says, “Drop it on my head."
.
3) When she brings food
wrapped in a nylon bag from a party.
.
4) When you say, ''Mummy, I have fever.” And she replies you, “Why won't you have fever when you press
phone every night”
.
5) When you say, “Mummy I took 2nd in my class.” and she replies, “So the person that took first has two heads abi?”
.
6) When she takes the DSTV remote to work, just to punish you.
.
7) When you are watching television with her and then she sleeps off and still doesn’t want you to change the
channel.
.
cool When you tell her you are going to a friend's place to play and she asks, ''When last did that friend come here to play with you?
.
9) When she asks you if the food she served you is enough, and you reply no, and she says, come and eat my own with yours.
.
10) When she tells you, if I hear Peem, you will hear Ween.
.
11) When she touches hot pot comfortably without a cloth or
paper.
.
12) When she tells you, ''I didn't kill my mother, so you will not kill me''.
.
13) When she calls you from your room upstairs and then sends you back upstairs to bring her purse.
.
14) When you ask her to refund the money she borrowed u and she tells you, "All the food you have been eating in the house nko? Which money did you think was used in
buying them?''

Our Mothers are wonderful.

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 1:42pm On Nov 02, 2016
#2000 RECHARGE CARD for each question u
answer correctly.
1. Who was Nigeria's first wheel barrow pusher?
2. Who was the first indigenous woman to fry
Akara and Yam?
3. What is the full name of the first Nigerian tout
(Agbero)?
4(a). How much in total did Anini steal during his
lifetime as an armed robber?
(b). How much did he give to the masses?
(c). How much did he give to his mother?
5. Who was the first child to trek to school?
6(a). Where was the first indigenous madman/
madwoman from?
(b). What was his/her name?
7(a). What is the full meaning of the acronym
SUYA?
(b). Who invented it?
(c). Who was the first customer to buy it?
8(a). Who was the first woman to spend the
#1000 naira note?
(b). Where?
(c). When?
(d). What did she buy?
9. As at April 2013, how many mosquitos
are in Aso Rock? (give your answer in binary
form)
10. Who was the first Nigerian to drink Garri
without Sugar?
(b). Who was the first Nigerian to drink Garri
with sugar

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 1:44pm On Nov 02, 2016
Stealing meat from the pot is cool
The problem is when u can't remember if the
spoon was inside or outside the pot. Good afternoon beautiful and handsomes

3 Likes

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by MrObontami(m): 7:40pm On Nov 02, 2016
All the jokes are drier than dust

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 10:14pm On Nov 05, 2016
Dat ugly moment when your girlfriend throws you on the bed, trying to be sexy, but you hit your head on the bedstead and die...
hell fire straight.....
That Awkward moment......... When u are laffin so hard with ur crush.... Den a HEAVY CATARRH jump out of ur nose...
FADALURD TAKE MY SOUl
There's nothing scarier than using the toilet at
your crush's place and it refuses to flush. You'll
just be staring at your shit like. . . Please go, i'm
begging you in the name of God, just go. . . .
happy Weekends
#HARDEIFE CARES

1 Like

Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by hardeife3(m): 7:52am On Nov 06, 2016
I miss Jonathan ooo. Now that Buhari is the president , his wife hadn't made Nigerians laugh and forget their sorrows like first lady Dame Patience does? This woman has increased the life span of an average Nigerian.

Examples of her "award winning speeches"
include:

1- * Nigeria is a great CONTINENT.

2- * My husband and Sambo IS good people.

3- * I rather KILL myself than commit SUICIDE.

4- * My fellow widows.

5- * I travelled to abroad to rest in peace.

6- * My husband is the best couple on earth.

7- * The doctors are responding to treatment.

8- * For those who said I speech bad English, I
left them for God.

9- * Ojukwu is dead, but his Manhood still lives
on.

10- * Na only you waka come?

11- * Chai ! Chai !! Chai !!! This blood we are
"sharing"

12- * diaris God o...

13- * on behave of N2million I donate my family.

14- HAPPY baiday to my Husband your days are numbered

15- *To all those who think Goodluck Jonathan has failed, I have a question for you. When a child fails an exam, isn't the child supposed to be repeated?

Please support and honour Nigeria first lady by sharing this with all your contacts

Don't laugh alone.
Chei ! Chei !! Chei !!! Dis message "we are reading" "diaris god o"
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by satisfysys(m): 5:01pm On Sep 10, 2019
hardeife3:

I wonder how people can be this funny...
Imagine two guys fighting and i tried to make things right.

But when i hear the cause of the fight i couldn't help it... HOW WILL YOU BORROW YOUR FRIENDS CLOTHE AND SLIM FIT IT
immagine
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Victorblinks56(m): 9:09pm On Jul 27, 2020
Love This
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Victorblinks56(m): 9:20pm On Jul 27, 2020
Funny
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by Jamesarua: 3:06pm On Jul 29, 2020
too funny
Re: Funniest Jokes Ever by chanda83560: 3:39am On Jul 30, 2020
cheesy

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