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Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right - Family - Nairaland

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Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by ima1(f): 4:12am On Nov 03, 2009
I see no reason why a married man will decide to involve his family in decisions that should be between him and his wife. I had an argument with my hubby, it all started when we went out shopping for a 2nd tv, since we both watch different shows on tv, after deciding what we needed we brought it back home and a few mins after we came home he went out came back in and the next thing i heard was, "my sister said we should have bought a cheaper tv stand" and i am like wtf, why should every decision we make involve your baby sister, (this is not the first, second, third or fourth time this has happened) last time it happened was on a decision that affected both of us, after talking and coming to a conclusion, he went to talk to his sister about it ( i don't have any issue with that) but his sister suggested an idea i was against and i had to explain to him that going that route will not work for both of us, he went back to his sister to talk again and she changed her mind, and this pissed me off because its supposed to be our decision not involving a third party, i mean watever decision he makes will affect me and him and not his sister or other family members. i never expressed my feelings at first until last night with the tv thing.

the next thing i am being accused of trying to drive a wedge between him and his sisters, and not wanting him to talk to his sister and it pissed me off the more because why in the world would i want that when i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers i talk to on a daily basis, the difference is that i do not involve my siblings in my marital decisions, it makes me wonder what else he has been talking to his sister about. for christ sake i married the man and not his entire family, i like my life private, i am ok with involving extended family but not in every freakin decision. i mean if his sister were in my shoes and her hubby goes to his family for every decision he wants to make, will she be happy with it. (Just to clarify i have no issues with his family, i try to mind my own business)

what do you guys think, am i over-reacting or do i have a valid reason to be pissed off.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by mohawkchic(f): 4:20am On Nov 03, 2009
[size=13pt]~You've got a valid reason to be pissed off! [/size]
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by lostgirl: 6:05am On Nov 03, 2009
OMG! I feel your pain on this one. The man I am soon to be divorced from did the same exact thing. His baby sister was his number one confident. He told her everything and involved her in anything and everything that had to do with us. Right down to what we wore on our wedding day. He involved his family in everything. I had no privacy whatsoever and when I spoke up I was told the same thing that you were. That I was trying to drive a wedge between him and his sister. Looking back on it, I see his dependance on his sister and involving his family in all our most intimate situations as a strong sign of weakness. A real man should be an independant thinker and the head of his household. He should not have to constantly seek advice from his sister or anyone else. Tell him if he can't keep his mouth shut that you will keep your legs shut until he learns, lol. Seriously, that is a habit he needs to break. I talked to my ex's sister in an effort to make her realize that her advice on any of our personal situations and matters was not needed nor was it welcome. She understood to some degree and spoke with him in regards to coming to her for advice. We were slowly working out the kinks. Just talk to both of them. You deserve respect and privacy.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by chosen04(f): 12:22pm On Nov 03, 2009
mohawkchic:

[size=13pt]~You've got a valid reason to be pissed off! [/size]


I thought you are a moderator! Pls learn to do the right thing. Learn to post what fellow Nlers can see without much difficulty. You can be creatively/boldly different.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by chosen04(f): 12:40pm On Nov 03, 2009
The truth is that you married a "Man-Woman"(no insult intended). A real MAN will never go telling his family members whatever happens in his home. Its even more disgusting when the TV set has already been bought, If he had told the Sister before Buying, one may assume that he was seeking for a second opinion.

The story should encourage ladies to date and marry only REAL MEN. If not they will become "tales by moonlight story topic" within their Husband's family.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by lorebobo(f): 1:11pm On Nov 03, 2009
you have every reason to be pissed off. just talk it over with him and like what lostgirl said, you can talk it over with his sister. you don already marry am so try to work it out. kpele.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by emiemi(f): 1:32pm On Nov 03, 2009
No, it is absolutely wrong for your man to do this. But, wait a min, you mentioned that
he has been doing this a long time now. I guess you knew this was gonna go outta
hand but you tried to keep cool. You need to give him a very serious heart-to heart
on this. tell him how exactly it makes you feel, to have no secret between you. It's
a bad trait, bad enuf for a woman much more for a MAN. You shd also talk to the sis,
let her put herself in your shoes and say if she'll enjoy hearing ''my sista said'' from the
hubby.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by tglaz(m): 1:41pm On Nov 03, 2009
the husband should have married his sister. shocked shocked
he isn't just man enough.
i am pretty sure he tells his baby sister whenever he sleeps with his wife too.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by otukpo(f): 1:52pm On Nov 03, 2009
U have evry right to be pissed off. I cant imagine that, such attitude in a man is disgusting.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by desthan(m): 2:08pm On Nov 03, 2009
tglaz:

the husband should have married his sister. shocked shocked
he isn't just man enough.
i am pretty sure he tells his baby sister whenever he sleeps with his wife too.

how are we sure this sister in question is really his sister undecided
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by agitator: 2:20pm On Nov 03, 2009
i believe the signs must have been obvious, while you were still dating.  most women make the mistake of thinking when they marry a man they can change him. It's not easy to change a man's ideology.  As a man i don't discuss issues with my family members except when i really need a third party advice, but not after discussing/concluding with my woman.  It's too degrading to the woman.  Also the sister will not have respect for the wife's decision in the house
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by kalmebad(f): 2:28pm On Nov 03, 2009
My dear,

This is the time to set the cloc'k right, but hey,how long have u guys been married for??

No woman will want to take that and am sure not even the so called sis would.

Does he take  or seek anyone's permission when he wants to make love to you??

Only a silly man (forgive me) would not have a mind of his own but rather seek for third party opinion, yes in some cases but not in all things

Sincerely i keep wishing to marry kind of men like my brothers who set boundaries between the two and which one that comes first at what point

Gurl, please put them in their places now and not later, Goodluck
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by lostgirl: 3:03pm On Nov 03, 2009
@ Tglaz My ex did tel his "sister" when we slept together and how it was. She was always pouted after he told her. I found out later why she pouted. read below.

@ desthan, When I realized that he was telling his"sister" everything and she was pouting and putting her two cents in, that is when I started to doubt that she was even his sister. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. something for the poster to think about as well. I still don't believe this chic was his sister. I just refer to her as that.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by sayso(m): 3:10pm On Nov 03, 2009
@poster just a question,have you ever suggested something for a friend/family etc?
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by dramenda(f): 3:20pm On Nov 03, 2009
s
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by ima1(f): 3:28pm On Nov 03, 2009
thank ya'll for your replies

Truth is when we started dating it was just the both of us, no third party involved atleast that was what it seemed to me. this stuff all started months after we got married ( been married close to 2 years) it was fine at first but everytime is not something i can continue to deal with. I learned from my parents not to involve family in your marital affairs, so when my parents call and ask if everything is fine i say yes and my dad once accused me of pushing everyone away since i got married but i told him he should remember the advice he gave me. when family is involved in everything the wife's opinion no longer matters and i am not going to stand for that, but he fails to realize what he is doing and i am tired of hearing my sister said this my sister said that.

i told him to ask his friend or his older sister if it was okay for him to keep doing that, i'm sure no woman would love that, but he does not listen and i'm tired of trying to explain my point of view when it gets pushed away.

@sayso yes i have suggested something to a friend or family but there are limitations and boundaries, n i always try to respect that.

the thing is if i say something now he'll prolly go tell them and you know how news spreads within family members, thats what i am trying to avoid
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by Helivesinm(f): 4:00pm On Nov 03, 2009
My dear Ima 1. U ve every right 2 over react and 2 b pissed off. First thing u must do and should ve done is 2 really talk wit ur husband when u both started dating on matters dat would involve other members of both ur families. Supposing if he had gone n reported what you jus said he told his sister to ur parents or ur brother then would u b that pissed?Maybe not. Try this, call ur husband or surprise him by takin him out 2 somewhere cozy n ve a nice non argumentative chat wit him on rules that u both must embrass and abide in wit constant prayers that u both would not resort to in involving a 3rd party in ur marriage becos most of whom amongs them outrightly would b envying u both on what u both ve now as husband and wife and what u would both have in future. I was told when i was younger that its only d wise @heart knows that life is worth living esp if u live that life 2 b of a positive influence 2 d other. Yes we easily resort 2 anger but remember what it does 2 ur emotions, ''U R A VIRTOUS WOMAN OF GOD''.Keep in d right track.
Then ask him 2 learn 2 keep marital issues btw d both of within himself instead of telling his sister. And pls ensure u both learn 2 speak about ur marital issues in private and show more love that u ve 4 urselves 2 ur family members in order 4 them give u both ur privacy. Most pple love their families around esp thosee dat would give them their respect. wink[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]
[/size][size=8pt]
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by abhosts(m): 4:00pm On Nov 03, 2009
@Poster,

If only you could look at this issue from a spiritual perspective, it would have been a solved issue a long time ago. This scenario is called a soul-tie. It is more rampant between Mother and Son in this part of the world. With the right kind of prayers (In Christ), such bond can be broken.

I wish your marriage well.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by Nezan(m): 4:07pm On Nov 03, 2009
Marriage can be very difficult at situations like this. Your extended family feeling that your wife is coming in between you and them, and your wife thinking you are letting them come too close. I think the best thing to do is to draw the demarcating line so that it will be obvious to everybody. What concerns you and your wife is strictly out of bounds to the extended family.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by Nobody: 5:24pm On Nov 03, 2009
Your marriage will work no matter what you are passing through. I want to tell you that a successful marriage is always worked out. Successful marriage is not by chance. I am sure that there were signs of all these things during your dating period but you decided to over looked them either because they were trivial then or that you felt you can handle the issue in marriage. Like I said, your have to stand up and reclaim your marriage. the first thing you should do is to give your life to Christ if you have not yet done so. look for books on relationships and marriage and begin to get knowledge. Its very vital. Get books by Bimbo odukoya, Sarah Ogbueli, Praise George and co. No matter how frustrating it may look, Christ is able to return bliss to your home and your hubby will love you again. remember, there is no divorce in the body of Christ. Wish you well.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by glamourtop: 5:49pm On Nov 03, 2009
YOU have every right to be pissed off, Your husby is a boy in dad's suit (No insult is intended pls)a matured man don't discuss his marriage with family, he should be capable enoughto handle his marriage, And u its a pity u fall in love instead of working into it and study wel before entrying it, right from when u were dating u should have noticed this but becos of falling into love u swept such under carpet now it has became rat that is eating ur marriage gradually, its better u take it easy especially when it comes to family of a thing, apply divine wisdom hence you wil be named among the family, then the sister too should watch out and try to know what the Bible called LAW OF KAMAR - Even if her brother is bring his family matter to her a wise sister will tell him BROTHER THAT'S WHY U ARE A MAN, I should not be the one to tell you what to do especially when it comes to your marriage, etc Madam there is nothing u can do for now than to pray and apply wisdom as I said until the sister go to her own husband, gud day
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by igbonla(m): 6:10pm On Nov 03, 2009
@ poster,

And taking your marriage concern to a public forum is right? You should be sitting down talking to your husband, that's where your concerns and feelings should be expressed.

All the best!
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by SweetT1: 6:26pm On Nov 03, 2009
lostgirl:

@ Tglaz My ex did tel his "sister" when we slept together and how it was. She was always pouted after he told her. I found out later why she pouted. read below.

@ desthan, When I realized that he was telling his"sister" everything and she was pouting and putting her two cents in, that is when I started to doubt that she was even his sister. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. something for the poster to think about as well. I still don't believe this chic was his sister. I just refer to her as that.

shocked shocked shocked
OMG! I can't stop laughing. May be he's trying to teach her sister how to move her hips when she sleeps with her man. Or how not to move her hips.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by SweetT1: 6:28pm On Nov 03, 2009
ima1:

I see no reason why a married man will decide to involve his family in decisions that should be between him and his wife. I had an argument with my hubby, it all started when we went out shopping for a 2nd tv, since we both watch different shows on tv, after deciding what we needed we brought it back home and a few mins after we came home he went out came back in and the next thing i heard was, "my sister said we should have bought a cheaper tv stand" and i am like wtf, why should every decision we make involve your baby sister, (this is not the first, second, third or fourth time this has happened) last time it happened was on a decision that affected both of us, after talking and coming to a conclusion, he went to talk to his sister about it ( i don't have any issue with that) but his sister suggested an idea i was against and i had to explain to him that going that route will not work for both of us, he went back to his sister to talk again and she changed her mind, and this pissed me off because its supposed to be our decision not involving a third party, i mean watever decision he makes will affect me and him and not his sister or other family members. i never expressed my feelings at first until last night with the tv thing.

the next thing i am being accused of trying to drive a wedge between him and his sisters, and not wanting him to talk to his sister and it pissed me off the more because why in the world would i want that when i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers i talk to on a daily basis, the difference is that i do not involve my siblings in my marital decisions, it makes me wonder what else he has been talking to his sister about. for christ sake i married the man and not his entire family, i like my life private, i am ok with involving extended family but not in every freakin decision. i mean if his sister were in my shoes and her hubby goes to his family for every decision he wants to make, will she be happy with it. (Just to clarify i have no issues with his family, i try to mind my own business)

what do you guys think, am i over-reacting or do i have a valid reason to be pissed off.

Again, i thought you kicked her out last year or year b/4 when she tried to ruin your marriage? Did you let his sister back in. And i thought your hubby was in medical school, what is he doing watching tv shows?
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by posakosa(m): 7:34pm On Nov 03, 2009
chosen04:

The story should encourage ladies to date and marry only REAL MEN. If not they will become "tales by moonlight story topic" within their Husband's family.

Well said Chosen


Don't marry a man so that you can brag to your friends that you have a husband. grin grin grin grin grin
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by posakosa(m): 7:35pm On Nov 03, 2009
Sweet T:

Again, i thought you kicked her out last year or year b/4 when she tried to ruing your marriage? Did you let his sister back in. And i thought your hubby was in medical school, what is he doing watching tv shows?

grin grin grin grin grin grin grin

chaaiiii, see NL investigators at work.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by inme: 8:01pm On Nov 03, 2009
its very wrong for your hubby to go to that extent. Your wife should be your companion, ur friend, ur mother, father, brother and sister. If he cannot confide in you in makin decisions, then i wonder what was his reason for marriyin u. Pls talk to your hussy, i believe u can still talk to him to make him understand why you guys r Husband n Wife, Maturity is one of them,
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by snowdrops(m): 10:58pm On Nov 03, 2009
bringing your domestic affairs to a public forum is one way not to solve it.
trust me, many of the respondents are no saints and have husbands/wives that are far far worse than yours. no man is perfect. accept him for who he is.
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by olalekan1(m): 12:08am On Nov 04, 2009
snowdrops:

bringing your domestic affairs to a public forum is one way not to solve it.
trust me, many of the respondents are no saints and have husbands/wives that are far far worse than yours. no man is perfect. accept him for who he is.
gud answer
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by adconline(m): 12:59am On Nov 04, 2009
hope u can hold yourself to the same standard? Are u telling ur mum and family what's going on in your family as well?
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by SmashingM(f): 8:15am On Nov 04, 2009
abhosts:

@Poster,

If only you could look at this issue from a spiritual perspective, it would have been a solved issue a long time ago. This scenario is called a soul-tie. It is more rampant between Mother and Son in this part of the world. With the right kind of prayers (In Christ), such bond can be broken.

I wish your marriage well.

Does everything have to be spiritual? Must you attribute to satan what he has not done thereby glorifying his name? The problem is black and white and needs a black and white solution. Either the man makes personal decisions with his wife or makes it with his sister. Period!
Re: Involving Extended Family In Decisions - Is It Right by chidichris(m): 10:46am On Nov 04, 2009
this is a modern day nigerian girl/woman. this is common whenever the woman sees her husband as the bread winner.
madam, are those suggestions detrimental to your position as a wife or are u acting from the discussion with your friends?
does it cost anything to be in good terms with everyother member of your husband's family?
nigerian women will always quote that part of the bible that says a man shld leave the parents for a woman he calls wife even if they do not know anyother part of the bible.
generally, women loves those who give their husbands and hate those who they see as burden to their marriage forgetting that giving is divine.
i do not support interfferance in marriage but i have personally seen where a wife and her husband's mother took side fight her husband just for the benefits of the marriage. imagine a mother fighting her own son just for a stranger in the name of daughter inlaw but that is the power of relationship.
make friends with your husband's family as they be there for you and your children even when ur husband is no more.

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